Feb 21, 2009

Show and Tell: Memory Box

Musings of A Beautiful Mess



For Show and Tell this week, I decided to get a little brave. I have a box containing cards, letters, and the like from my mom's funeral. I've mentioned before that this box lives in my hall closet. I walk by it every day, sometimes I look at it, but generally I walk by it without looking at it.

I don't think I'm to the point in my journey to acceptance, to have this box in my room or out in the open. I don't think I am ready to have that box within my reach. I've looked into this box a few times. Sometimes it's to put something in, I want to keep as a remembrance. And sometimes it's to look through the papers in the box. I looked at it in January when I got home from church, on the anniversary of her death. I, of course, cried my eyes out like I do every time I look into that box.

Every time I open that box, I lose my breath. I have to remind myself to breath. I have to take a deep breath. I sit on the bed and I look and read through every thing in there. I read the poem we picked out to go over her picture on her memorial booklet we had at her funeral. I read the cards I got from people wishing me well after her death. I look at her picture, and I cry. It's so hard to look at that box, but SO much harder to look IN that box. It brings back the day she died and it beings back the day of her funeral. It makes my heart to break to realize that all these questions I have, will never be answered by MY mother. Yes, I have a MIL, but it's not the same. Yes, I have my father, but once again, it's not the same.

It's a small and unassuming box, but to me, it's whats left of my mom. I hope one day, soon maybe, I will be able to have a shelf in my house and be able to put it up on there. I kind of feel bad that it's just sitting in a dark closet that holds towels and such, but for my mental health, it can't be out in the open. Not right now, at least.

Go on over to Mel's blog and see what everyone else is bring to Show and Tell.


19 friends have commented:

angrycanrn on February 21, 2009 at 7:27 PM said...

I have the same kind of memory box for my husband. It is in the back of my walk in closet in the master bedroom. Every now and then I look at it when I am selecting rarely worn clothes..... but I know it is there when I am ready to go through it again.
I'm sorry for your loss and your pain.
Kathy

Lollipop Goldstein on February 21, 2009 at 7:42 PM said...

What a beautiful box and what a beautiful post. I am so sorry that you don't have your mother here.

Liv on February 21, 2009 at 8:08 PM said...

A very good post my dear. I can understand not being able to have it out in the open.

But, having it there and sharing that with us is a great way to honor your mother. I appreciate you sharing it.

Take care,

The Steadfast Warrior on February 21, 2009 at 10:42 PM said...

I think it takes a lot of courage to post this. Thank you. I'm so sorry you lost your Mom. I hope you do find a day where you can have that beautiful box out in the open.

TSM_Oregon on February 21, 2009 at 11:09 PM said...

I have a friend. A friend I love with a MAJOR portion of my heart. He lost his mother 9 years ago this month. He has a box, too. And he hasn't opened it.

When I read things like this, I feel a horrible sense of guilt. You see, I am estranged from my mother. Sure, my teen years were hard on her, but we reconciled. We just don't talk. She doesn't make an effort, and in retaliation, neither do I. It's silly, and given the potential for losing the chance to reconnect, it's tragic.

So many would give anything for one more chance. I wish I could give them that one chance.

Best wishes...

PS-How did you find me? I was wondering that the other day :)

michelle on February 22, 2009 at 5:00 AM said...

wow, what a touching post....and I understand why you wouldn't be able to have it out in the open...so many memories...so hard...

I'm so sorry you lost your Mom
take care

M :)
thanks for visiting my blog...I"m glad I found yours!!!

Kristin on February 22, 2009 at 5:13 AM said...

I'm so glad you have the box but I'm sorry you have to have it (if you know what I mean). I hope you heal enough to have the box out in the open some day my friend.

'Murgdan' on February 22, 2009 at 5:47 AM said...

It will be there when you are ready to look at it...until then you have the memories that live in your heart.

infertilityrocks on February 22, 2009 at 5:52 AM said...

So very sorry you lost you mother so soon. I was very moved by your words and honesty.

Jendeis on February 22, 2009 at 7:24 AM said...

Here from ICLW. So wonderful that you have this memory box. You are truly doing a great job of trying to take care of yourself and loving yourself. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Mo and Will on February 22, 2009 at 7:38 AM said...

Thank you for sharing this in your post. It's a beautiful box. I'm sorry for the loss of your mother.

Mo
ICLW
Thanks for stopping by my blog earlier.

Mrs. Olson on February 22, 2009 at 9:09 AM said...

I have a similar box from my grandfather's funeral, etc. I completely understand about not having it out in the open. I keep his in the spare bedroom closet, and I take it out every now and then when I want to feel close to him. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Tiffanie on February 22, 2009 at 10:53 AM said...

i'm sorry that your mother is no longer with you, but that box is a great way to remember her. it's nice to have something dedicated just to her that you can go to when you are missing her.

Elana Kahn on February 22, 2009 at 11:04 AM said...

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. I lost my father in Nov 2005 and it's taken some time to grieve, even though I had time to say goodbye. Time heals all wounds and eventually you will reach the point where you can look at the memory box and smile at the memories. *hugs* ICLW

Lori on February 22, 2009 at 5:56 PM said...

I have no soothing words. Just know I am here and I am thinking about you and your mom and the beautiful legacy she leaves.

Cassandra on February 22, 2009 at 6:33 PM said...

Thanks for sharing the box and your feelings.

I had a photo along those lines (which I actually am planning for a Show and Tell soon) that I thought I could never look at. Then one day it wasn't a big deal at all, and now it's on the wall. Most days I don't even notice it, but when I do, it doesn't hurt anymore.

I hope that day comes for you soon.

KimboSue on February 23, 2009 at 6:39 AM said...

What a beautiful box. Thanks for sharing.

WiseGuy on February 24, 2009 at 4:51 AM said...

You are so correct. Mothers are irreplacable. The box's exterior may be simple, but I know that its contents are absolutely special to you. Love.

natalie on February 25, 2009 at 6:30 AM said...

This is a very touching post. My father passed away when I was 16 and I still have all the letters and such from his funeral also. It's absolutely amazing the feelings that come over you when you read those things again, but you will when you're ready. I'm so sorry for your loss.

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