Just For the Shock Value and Because I'm Curious

I went out with a couple of friends on St. Patrick's day to celebrate that The Hardest Term Evah was OVER and to drink some green beer, of course. I'll leave out the part where SOMEONE didn't go even though SHE said she would...for the third time in ONE week. (totally gonna kick your ass for that, btw) Of course there were a bunch of youngins there getting all drunk and hitting on us "older big city girls". Those 21 year old boys are just SO damn cute when they think they're line is going to work. They are just so full of confidence, makes me smile and want to ruffle their hair ;o)

Anyway, there was this one kid who was talking about sex (cuz that's what drunk 21 year old kids do when they're trying to impress us, apparently) and I really wanted to pick his brain and ask him some off the wall questions. I LOVE asking questions, I annoy Dirty with my questions all the time, and I really wanted to know how a 21 year old guy gets a chick. My first question was "so how exactly do you pick up a chick in a bar? Do you have a line that works or do you just fly by the seat of your pants?" His answer cracked me up! He said "Sometimes I buy her a drink, but I usually compliment her on her hair or something". Smart guy! That'll definitely get you somewhere if she's willing. The he started talking about his sex techniques and we all rolled our eyes because really? Who are you trying to impress, dude? Oh yeah, us...lol He was going on how AMAZING (!) he is in bed, I thought of another question. I asked "what's your feeling on having sex with an older woman? You're only 21 but if you see a woman in her 30's would you think twice about sleeping with her?" This is when his friends came over and tossed in their two cents, they all agreed that sleeping with an older woman is MUCH better then sleeping with a woman their age. Hmmm interesting. They all said "sleeping with an older woman is better because she'll tell you what she wants. Girls our age are fun, but you don't really know if you're doing something they like or not". I'm glad that random older women are giving us a good name!

After that conversation, I was at the bar and an older man came over to talk to me. I use the term "talking" because this man was DRUNK! His first line to me was "what is a girl like you doing here?" Yes, it was a small town bar but what EXACTLY is THAT suppose to mean?! What the hell kind of woman does this guy normally talk too? I said "I'm just here hanging out with my girls and having a few drinks". Then he said "WOW! You're really pretty, you don't belong here!" Ummmm ok? Is he not use to women who use a brush or something? He totally confused me! I said "Where exactly do I belong?" As soon as that sentence came out of my mouth, I wanted to take it back! I figured he'd come back with "my bed" or something lame like that and I would've totally deserved it, too! Thankfully he was too drunk to see his opening and forgot he was talking to me when his buddy came over to take him home. WHEW! Close one.

After that encounter, I really wanted to ask more questions or screw with someone. Seriously, how much fun is it to mess with drunk people?! My next victim came over and asked to buy me a beer. Of course I accepted, wouldn't want to be rude ;o) We were drinking our beers and talking and after about the third round, he dropped his bomb! He asked "hey you want to come home with me?" "No thanks, I have a home of my own" was my reply. To his credit he didn't stop there, which just gave me more fuel for me fire, poor guy didn't know what was coming. He laughed a bit, took another sip of his beer and asked again and my reply was the same. Then he said "Why won't you come home with me? Do you have a man at home?" My response was PRICELESS! I wish I could've take a picture of the look on his face when I said "why do you have to ask questions and make me lie to you? Where having a good time here" lol he had NO idea what to say. His beer must have kicked in because he asked me AGAIN! So I said "there ya go asking questions again and making me lie to you. Why do you do that? We're having a good time talking and you buying me drinks. Why do you have to go and ruin it?" He still didn't know what to say! It took everything I had to not crack up and keep my "serious/innocent" face on. He finally gave up and walked away confused. It didn't stop him from coming over and sitting at our table, but at least he stopped asking me to come home with him. Maybe next time he thinks asking some random woman at the bar to go home with him is a good idea, he'll remember what I said. I doubt it, but I can only hope my smartassness is changing one douche bag at a time.

I need more questions for the next time we go out. Anyone have any burning questions you want me to ask some random drunk person? I'll totally do it! It's really fun, try it some time ;o)

Yep, I Still Have Issues.

I am determined to organize this house during spring break! I've done a pretty good job, too. There is no school for the kids, or myself and NO doctor's appointments at all this week! So I can actually start on a project and finish it! Sadly, this excites me.

I started on my kitchen yesterday and I found the perfect home for my beloved Kitchenaid and our slicer. We don't use them very often, but they still need to be out! They're cool appliances that are meant to be on the counter, dammit! Plus I've LUSTED over a Kitchenaid for years and sometimes I like to just stand in the kitchen and look at it. Now that my hand is pretty much healed, other then needing to work that damn tendon, I can do a lot more thins around the house. Anyway, the kitchen looks pretty and I think everything has its place, which is nice.

Today was the hall closet. It really isn't a closet, it's more of someone wanted a closet so they cut out a space in the wall, tossed some shelves in there, but no doors. It's interesting, to say the least. But it works for towels and such. The only problem is that things get tossed in there or someone else besides me (yeah right) does laundry and doesn't put the towels away nicely. I'm not OCD (sadly), but I do like the towels too look orderly when they're on the shelves in there. OK getting off topic..in the closet is the box I have of some of my mom's things. Things I can't throw away, such as nail files (I know weird), the program from her funeral, and the memorial fliers we made. There's also the jammies she use to wear before she was in the hospital that she gave to Nae. Nae wore them for awhile, but the have a hole on the seem on one of the legs and I can't sew. I also have a bouquet of flowers I made from all the flowers that were sent to use for her funeral. These things I've held onto since she died four years ago and I'm OK with having them. I feel it's healthy for me to have them and I don't open the box often because I just cant. I've opened it up once a year since she died except for this year. I'm not ready to open it this year, not yet. Maybe soon?

As I was cleaning off the shelves today I had to take the box down, as well as the rest of her things. They were dusty and the flowers are falling apart. I don't like those jammies getting dusty and I don't like the flowers falling apart, either. But I don't know what to do with them. I don't have a memory box, I need one but I don't have one. I did look for one today and I had to stop. Typing in the words "memory boxes" was just a bit much. I did look at a few, but didn't find what I'm looking for. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, but I know I'll find it when I see it. Just like the urn I bought, I knew it was prefect as soon as I saw it. Well, as perfect as a container for my mom's ashed could be. I'll keep looking, but I don't think I'll be able to do anymore searches. I'm healthy but I'm not THAT healthy...yet.

I'm also not healthy enough to have a conversation about death and wills. Dirty and his mom had a conversation about that Saturday. He wanted to know what their wishes were for their belongings and such. Which is good, he wants to honor his parents' wishes, but I can't deal with that, so I just walked away. Just like that, got up and walked into the other room. they continued to talk and probably thought I was being rude, but I don't care to talk about this subject just yet. I know I'll need to have the exact same conversation with my dad soon, but..no..just no. I can't even THINK about not having my dad around anymore, nor can I think about Dirty's parents not being around. His mom has really been there for me since my mom died and we've gotten a lot closer in the years. It's just not something I want too or can think about it right now. Maybe some day or when I have no choice, but right now I do have a choice and my choice is no thanks.

I don't look at this as not healing or healed, because I don't think I'll EVER be healed, but instead I look at it that I know myself. I know what will make me feel sad and I avoid those situations. It's who I am and what I do ;o)

Finals!

I have my last final of the term at 3:00 today...EEK! Totally freaking out! I really have NO idea why I'm freaking out, either. I have an A in the class and even if I don't get an A on this final, I'll still get an A...lets just calm down a touch!

Last night in psychology Peaches was acting odd. Since our falling out (her acting like a spoiled brat and moving out without a thank you or many words spoken between us) we've been cordial to each other. We had two classes together this term and will have two classes together next term. It was awkward to be in the same room with her AND sitting together (creatures of habit) but we made it work. There was always small talk like "how's your hand doing?" (her) and "is your brother still in jail from his DUI?" (me) Last night was different. We were chatting and joking with each other just like we use to. There was even a point where she put her arms on my shoulders and gave me a hug...ODD! We made plans to go out tonight with some people from class and I'm just not sure about it. I want to go out and celebrate that this term is OVER(!) but I don't know if I'm ready to go out with HER. Dirty thinks I should go out and have a good time but just keep in mind that Peaches is Peaches and she'll never change.

I would like to be friends again, but I also know that we'll never be close like we use to be. Since the day she moved out and the distance between us has grown, I'm happier. I'm happier without all of her drama in my life. I'm more at peace without her poison in my life..BUT...dammit if I don't miss the good times.

I think I will go out and CELEBRATE and if I'm not having fun, I'll just come home. I also need to keep in mind that no matter how she acts NOW, she'll always be who she is. 12 years of friendship has shown me that she won't change.

Here's to the end of a very stressful term! Goodbye winter term! I can't say it was much fun, but I did learn some things. Hello spring term, lets have some FUN!

Round Two, But With a Different Ending

Last year when I hit rock bottom, spiraling down into the depths of depression, it was because something had triggered it. Something I didn't realize until Dirty and I talked about it. I didn't want to admit he was right at first because I felt like a horrible person. My trigger was a friend's wife got jealous and he had to stop talking to me.

This guy and I aren't like BEST friends nor have we known each other since childhood, we're just friends. For some reason we just clicked when we first met. He's a funny guy, totally gets my humor, and was one of the few that was actually there when I was running from the pain of my mom's death. He's a lot like Dirty, they both know me better then I know myself. Our relationship (for lack of a better term) consisted of text messages, beer at the bar, or coffee, totally casual. Apparently his wife didn't know we were friends and when she saw a text message from "Princess" (me. A nickname I've had since Dirty and I started dating) she freaked OUT! I could be blamed for being friends with a guy who's wife didn't know, true. But it's HIS life and marriage, not mine AND not my place to pass judgment. In order to save his marriage, our friendship had to end. I totally get that and told him as much. I'd do the exact same thing.

A few days later my whole world went colorless. I couldn't figure out what the hell happened. I was walking along my merry way and then all of the sudden, I couldn't see colors anymore. I was sad, missed my mom, and was a permanent fixture on the couch. Once Dirty said this all started because Hanks and I couldn't be friends anymore, I got defensive. There was NO way I'm THIS sad because a friend of mine who isn't THAT important in my life said we can't hang anymore! "What kind of person does that make me?" I seriously questioned EVERYTHING! I questioned my marriage, my feelings for Dirty, my feelings for Hanks, my mom's death, myself, everything! I wondered if I had some serious feelings for Hanks that I didn't know about. It wasn't easy but I told all of this to Dirty. I felt if something was going on with me, he had to know. This is our future! He took it well, probably because I was so pathetic and crying and knew exactly what was going on. He let me spill my guts and then told me, that and Hanks "breaking up" was just a trigger. "You two are friends, you guys text and hang out, it's a loss, even if it's a small one. But this is triggering the feelings of your mom's death." Well hell! I didn't even think about it that way and why would I? My mind was just blank and I felt so dead inside.

After months of being depressed and going through all my crap, I came out on the other side. I fought my way out of that black hole and fought HARD! I won the battle, maybe not the war, but I OWNED that battle!

During the summer Hanks and I reconnected. Once again, I didn't question anything and just went about my life. We'd occasionally text and such but never saw each other. When my dad and sister were here and went out, they bumped into him. Hanks recognized them because my sister looks a lot like me, said hi and passed along hellos to me. It was like old times after that encounter. His texts cracked me up after my surgery, or it was the medication, but both Dirty and I were laughing at them. He answered a few questions I had about school and such. Once again, totally casual. Then we went out the other night with a few friends. It wasn't a planned get together, but we ended up talking all night and drinking beer with our friends. It was fun and I thought maybe we'd be able to be friends again, but no.

Apparently he got home later then he was suppose too and his wife checked his phone and saw my number in there and got pissed. Rightly so, I might add. I'd get pissed too if I saw some random bitch's phone number in Dirty's phone. I don't understand her dislike for me, but whatever. It's not my marriage and some people may feel threatened by their spouse having friends of the opposite sex. It was his choice not to tell her that we're friends and he needs to deal with all that. It just sucks that he and I can't be friends and that he just can't say "Beautiful Mess and I are just friends!" But once again, not my life. My marriage is different then a lot of others and what works for Dirty and I may not work for someone else. That's cool, I get it.

So this time, this "break up" scared me a little. I know last time was a trigger for all the emotions I was running from, but I'm still a little gun shy. I talked to Dirty about it and he really calmed my fears. While I don't feel the same way I did last time, I'm still a little bummed out about it. I really REALLY do not want to fall back into the hole I fell into last year, that fear is what's causing my over analyzing of the situation. When Dirty and I talked he convinced me I'm a lot healthier then I was last year and assured me that won't happen. He's right, I AM stronger then I was last year. I dealt with a lot of emotions and feelings last year that had NOTHING to do with Hanks.

Now that I know where I stand and I know that I don't have some crazy weird feelings for another man, I feel OK with Hanks and I not being friends. I'm sure I can be blamed for a lot of this, after all I was friends with a married man who's wife didn't know about me. I'm sure some wouldn't agree with my choices, but in my defense, it really is/was innocent. At least on my end. I can't speak for Hanks, but from what I can tell, it's innocent on his end too.

What Was I Gonna Say Again?

Do you hear that? That would be my brain exploding! The damn thing is SO full of stuff. Stuff like quadratic equations and formulas from math class. The formulas that our professor might or might not let us bring to class. Hey thanks, Roger! Wouldn't want you to make things easier for us or anything. Good thing is that I brought my grade up from a 90% to a 95% in that class! WHEW! You would think that knowing that little bit of info would allow me to calm down about my final, but no. It doesn't matter, I'm still FREAKING out about the final. He says I'd have to get a 10% on the test for it to impact my grade, but STILL! So, I've been studying with a tutor, poor guy, I feel bad for him. Nobody should have to dumb things down THAT much when they're smart. He's been my dirty little secret the past few weeks. I go over to his house every Friday and we study. Well I study, he does a lot of sighing and repeating things. This must be what it's like to have an affair...interesting.

Writing class is going well. I got my last essay back and it was an A! I have NO idea how it was an A, that professor must have been drunk or tired when he read it. I didn't think it was a very good essay, but I'm not going to complain! All I have left is to get my final back we took on Monday and I'll know what my final grade is there. I think it's an A, but we shall see. I got all A's on my essays so I should be able to get an A, but I'm not saying for sure until I see it for myself!

Psychology class is an A, since I've gotten 100% on every assignment. I'm not sure if its even POSSIBLE to not get an A in that class, it was THAT easy. The class I'm unsure about it my women's history class. I think I brought my grade up from a B+ to an A, but I don't know yet. Its not my favorite class and strangely has been the hardest to keep up with because of my hand. If I don't get an A I won't beat myself up over it. Its been a rough term and I did the best I could and that's all I can ask for.

Speaking (typing) of my hand, it's doing really well! I've been graduated from physical therapy twice a week to once a week...w00tz!!! I apparently am really good at growing scar tissue and he's working on trying to break that up. He said it should be a lot better in a few months. I can't wait until I have FULL movement of my hand back! It'll be so exciting! Ahhh the small things that excite me ;o)

I'll be back to real life soon enough. I just have to get that math final out of the way and then I'll be FREE...for a week until spring term starts.

I am a ROCKSTAR!

So besides being The Awesome Beautiful Mess that I am, I am also a rock star because....are ya ready for it?.....I made a fist last night! Don't go thinking I'm crazy "cuz DUH anyone can make a fist", because I haven't been able to make a fist since January 7 right before I moved that damn box. Before surgery that pesky little bone was stuck in my knuckle and I couldn't make a fist nor could I straighten my finger. After surgery, I had a fist full of stitches and couldn't do much with my hand. After the stitches came out, my hand was SO swollen and the tendon was stiff from not using it for almost a month, that I couldn't make a complete fist. So off to therapy I went, skipping and singing just like a good lil patient.

My physical therapist is amazing! I lurve him! He puts my hand in this thingy with warm air blowing through ground up corn husks and it feels SO good! Then he massages my hand with lotion to soften up the scar tissue. After he's teased me with the spa like treatment, he starts the stretching. This actually does feel good...at the time. Afterward? Not so much. But that is OK because all this torture and spa like treatment has worked! All the pain I've been in for the past 2 months has FINALLY come to an end. I may not have all my strength back, YET, but I will! AND I can make a fist now! I can't straighten it all the way back, but it's close! My scar tissue is still pretty thick but in about 3 months it'll be a lot softer.

Who the hell would have thought that moving a damn box full of damn dishes would have caused all this much trouble?! I can't say it was all worth it because frankly, it hasn't been. I can't say I've learned something new about myself, because I don't think I have. I can't say I know who my real friend are because I learned that a LONG time ago. See? Being old DOES have perks ;o) What I can say now is "yes I have had stitches AND surgery" because I have. And you know what? I ROCKED physical therapy's ass! Told ya I'm a rock star!

Sock It To Me Take 2

SOCKS!!! I love them! I love the ankle socks, knee high socks, thigh high socks, funky socks, "proper" socks, ANY kind of socks! I have a basket full of socks! So, OF course I signed me up for SITM round 2! What's better then getting socks? Buying the PERFECT pair for your buddy! I hope my sock buddy liked her socks. I know I LOVE mine!

It's no secret that things have been a little bit rough for me since that lovely day in January (the 7th, to be exact) when I decided to move a box of dishes by myself and broke my damn knuckle. I've been through doctors poking and prodding at my hand, asking me "how EXACTLY did you do this, again?!", a few needles full of the yummy numb juice, and of course surgery to fix the damn thing. Through all of the whinnying and bitching, ALL of you have been there. Not one person told me to stop complaining, but instead loved me through the whole thing.

The day I got my stitches out, I was nervous because I didn't know what to expect. I had gotten a package in the mail from Stacie that morning and my SOCKS WERE IN IT!!! I immediately tore open the package and squealed with delight to see not one but TWO pairs of socks! I took off my shoes and socks and put on a pair of my SITM socks and felt a calm. Stacie was going with me to my appointment :D I made it through the removal of my stitches without incident and I thought of Stacie and everything she's been through. I conjured her strength through my socks. I thought of all the support I've received from this AMAZING community. Ya'll have been there to celebrate the good times and allow me to use your shoulders when I need them. These socks are concrete proof of all of that proof.

Thank you Stacie, you picked out great socks! If wearing my SITM socks can help me not pass out during stitches removal 2010, then your socks can help you go through anything you're going through!

Go on over to Kym's blog, our lovely hostess, and read the other SITM posts. You will NOT be disappointed!