I'm trying, I really am and I may even be succeeding...if only on the outside. On the inside, not so much. I'm a truly living up to my name "Beautiful Mess" these past few weeks. Mother's day *sigh* I am not a fan. My first mother's day without my mom was tough, but I dealt with it. And by "dealt with it" I mean Peaches and I made many batches of margarita and we drank them all. Not a very good way to deal with something, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I didn't cry one time, thank you very much Patron, I was a happy drunk. The next year I didn't want to acknowledge the day at all. I wanted it to be any other day, but that wasn't an option. So I allowed Dirty and the children to do their thing while crying when the children weren't around. Last year was rough too, but a dear bloggy friend organized "OMG You Rock" and I was able to focus my energies on someone else and look forward to open my gift. It worked and the day wasn't so horrible. This year is the exact opposite. I hear or see a commercial for Mother's Day and I get angry. I've even gave the TV the middle finger, I'm oh SO mature.
I know it's selfish but I want to scream at the TV "not everyone wants to celebrate Mother's Day, assholes!" I can't escape the day, no matter how hard I try. And apparently I'm not pulling off the "I'm fine" front I'm trying to pass off. Dirty told me yesterday he wasn't sure what to do for Mother's Day. He knows I want to forget it and do nothing, but can't. I just want Sunday to pass as quickly as possible so I can get out of this damn funk I've been in for two weeks.
I'm not sure what's in store for Sunday. I do know that Zilla has something for me he made at school and I'm so very appreciative he was able to make something for me. He also has a flower to give me, if only it wasn't a mum, that might not make the tears flow so easily. I don't know what Dirty and Nae have planned and I'm really hoping it isn't something huge. I am just not ready to celebrate this day. All the other holidays, I can deal with. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and all the rest, I can get through without wanting to throw something at my TV or hide in bed for hours, but not this one. Yes, I am SO grateful for my family and the fact that they want to show appreciation for me on this day, despite it not sounding that way. I am perfectly aware there are women who would like nothing more than to have a mum given to them by their child. Right now, in this moment, I can't get over the fact that I can't celebrate with my mom.
I always spoiled my mom on Mother's day. I would get her flowers, a sweet card and something nice. Something that was just for her, something that she didn't have to share with anyone else, something to celebrate her womanhood and how amazing she is. I haven't been able to do that in four years and that hurts, a lot. Thinking about our past mother's days, just makes me sad. Thinking that if I bought her a card right now, she wouldn't be able to enjoy it and I wouldn't be able to see the tears of gratitude in her eyes, that just breaks my heart.
I know I'll get through this and the other side is a nice and calm place to be, but at this moment that place seems very far off. I'll get there, it'll take some tears and some hissy fits, but I'll get there.
May 8, 2010
May 1, 2010
Project What If
I debated on posting this all week. I am a HUGE supporter for all my beautiful, amazing Bloggy friends going through infertility, but I always feel like a fake when I say we struggled with infertility, too. Not that our struggles don't mean anything or "count", but what we went through was NOTHING compared to what some of you go through on a daily basis. My biggest fear when joining the ALI group on Mel's blog roll was offending someone who is struggling. That, THANKFULLY, has never happened. Not that I'm aware of at least. I know that the pain of infertility isn't a pissing contest, nor would anyone look at me and say "you don't belong", but still! The thought of offending someone or causing someone pain with my words, makes me want to cry and run away from my blog. I'm a compassionate woman, and I feel horrible for those still struggling. I know that NIAW is an important week to all of us and we (even me) should make infertility something everyone can talk about. I posted a status update on FB and got a lot of support and after reading MANY of the posts, I have decided to do my own.
You can read more What If's at Mel's place in her comment section. They are all so beautifully written with such emotion. You can also go to Resolve's website and see what YOU can do to help spread the word.
WHAT IF....
What if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Nae? What would my life look like now?
What if I hadn't gotten an infection in my uterus, thus causing scarring?
What if the scarring hadn't caused my first miscarriage?
What if my mom never told me about hers? Would I know what was happening to my body?
What if I hadn't had my second miscarriage? Would that child been a girl or a boy?
What if I had both those children I miscarried? Would I have 4 alive children, or would we have stopped at two?
What if my BIL allowed us to adopt his son, before I got pregnant with Zilla? Would we have still tried to have another?
What if we had stopped at two? Would the second be just like Zilla?
What if I didn't know my body so well and didn't realize I was having another miscarriage in December 2008?
What would have happened if I was able to carry that child to term?
What if I hadn't made the decision to take charge of my body and have my tubes tied after Zilla?
What if I was able to carry a child to term without medication or fear? Would we have more?
I don't have the answer to ANY of these questions. I do my best not to dwell on the what if's of life, they tend to make me sad. Instead I try to find the joy and beauty in what I have NOW.
Right now I have a family. It isn't the one I saw myself having when I was a child, but its the one that's perfect for me now.
I vow to make a difference in the way people look at infertility. I will do my best to make people knowledgeable about the subject. I will continue to work toward my goal of being a fertility RN. I will talk about infertility in my classes and educate as many people as I can.
You can read more What If's at Mel's place in her comment section. They are all so beautifully written with such emotion. You can also go to Resolve's website and see what YOU can do to help spread the word.
Apr 29, 2010
Sugar Doll
Kristin gave me an award! WOOOHOOO thanks doll! This is perfect because I have eleventy billion things bouncing around in my head but none of them are related. Here is The Low Down of what I am suppose to do.... I have to say 10 things about myself and then I need to give this award to 10 fellow bloggers
1) I have a secret that I've only told a few people but I'm going to spill my guts here. It isn't THAT much of a secret, but it's huge to me. I want to be a nurse (that's not it) but I don't want to be just any nurse, I want to be a fertility nurse! I believe I have the ability to do it, I'm just unsure of the logistics of it. The closest clinic to me is about an hour away. The biggest hospital for training is almost 2 hours away. I might end up going to nursing school there, anyhow so it might be a doable goal. Only time will tell, but there it is. It's finally out in the open. I'm both terrified and excited!
2) When Dirty has his anxiety attacks, I have to confess I have thoughts in my head that aren't very nice or supportive. I never say them out loud and I know I am entitled to my thoughts, but I still feel bad for having them.
3) When someone else cleans my kitchen, it takes everything I have to thank them. They live here too, why do I need to thank them for cleaning up after themselves?
4) I am a HORRIBLE house keeper! I'm not even exaggerating when I say this, my house is usually a disaster of unfolded laundry and school books laying around. You don't even want to know the state of my kitchen floors and bathroom, it's embarrassing.
5) My children and 13 and 6 and I STILL check to see if they're breathing ever night.
6) I go out with my friends usually once a week and despite being told many times I should stay at home with my family because apparently I'm not allowed to have a life outside my home, I enjoy it and always have a good time.
7) When I do go out with my friends, I am usually with more men than women and sometimes I get a ride from a man(!) Walking into wherever we end up with another man this isn't my husband causes a lot of whispers and I get way TOO much enjoyment out of it.
8) I am LOVING my Human Sexuality class. I've read more chapters in that book than I need to, but it's SO interesting!
9) I've never mowed a lawn in my life! I always told Dirty that I'd mow the lawn if we got a house, looks like I might have to mow a lawn this summer. Which I won't mind because that means WE'LL HAVE A HOUSE!!!
10) I have decided that pay a little bit more for clothing is worth it. I've gotten 2 shirts and a dress at WalMart and all of the have a hole in the seem. ANNOYING!
Alright, now who to pass it on to....
JellieBraden. I met this BEAUTIFUL woman on twitter and her blog is AMAZING, as are her tweets! Go check her out.
WannaBeMom. Another BEAUTIFUL woman I met on twitter. She just started a blog, go check it out! She is a wonderful, supportive friend!
Sass. She is in the dreaded two week wait right now. She could use a lot of distraction, and as always some love.
Kristal. Her oldest just had her 15th birthday, go over and wish her a happy birthday!
Heather. She is having a hell of a week! She told me yesterday that she was so bored, she was thinking about eating her own face. I reminded her how much of a mess that would be, thankfully she changed her mind.
Raelene. Not only is she AWESOME and totally deserves this award, but she lives in an amazing town that rallied for their neighbors. the story is both heartbreaking and heart warming.
Jamie. She needs to be flooded with love right now. Plus she gave me her phone number! I can now stalk her..YAY!!!
Ellen. Obviously she's awesome, but her last post was a cliff hanger! Soooo not cool. hopefully this will get her blogging again ;o)
Gabby! She won't have time to write anything because she just had her babies! Go over and give her a hug!
Katiepie. She is awesome, amazing, AND beautiful. she's going through some MAJOR stuff right now and could use something to make her smile.
Thanks again, Kristin, I really appreciate it!
**not sure why my spell check decided to KEEP the words highlighted, but it did.**
*And now Heather fixed it*
Apr 27, 2010
Negativity Breeds Negativity
I don't hold the key to happiness nor do I know what it is. What works for some, might not work for me and vise verse. What I do know is that if someone walks around with a cloud of doom hanging over their head and blaming everyone else for their depressing life, they can't be happy. Yes, we all have life issues we deal with, but generally we do our best to slap a smile on our face and get through the tough times. There are certain circumstances that make us fall into a hole of nothing but blackness, but speaking from experience, it's noway to live life. When I was depressed last year, it took me awhile to get out of it. Once I opened up my heart and mind to my family and friends, I was able to come out of it pretty quickly. That's not to say it was easy or a walk in the park, it was hard and it royally sucked! Even while I was in the midst of my depression, never had it occurred to me I could blame someone else for my problems. Wasn't even aware that was an option!
I don't say this to brag about my awesomeness or to say "if you just do as I do, you'll be oh so happy!" I say it because I know someone who I swear loves to live her life in a constant state of pity. She'll say things like "I have no friends. People only call me when they need something. never to just hang out". She'll blame others for things or put herself into situations that she KNOWS will make her life miserable. She never says no to anyone, despite not wanting to do the favor. She really is a piece of work. I can't figure out if she has this view on life because of her age or just who she is. I try to reason her attitude with all sorts of things while I try to help her out. The problem with trying to help her out is that it drains me. Not to mention she doesn't want my help, she just wants to whine and complain. I swear it's what feeds her. She makes horrible choices but will not take responsibility for them.
I've tried many times to talk her though bad relationships and reason with her about things, but nope it doesn't work. Now I just let her do her thing and move on. Yesterday she was upset because she had no friends and nobody would answer her calls or text messages. When she told me that her cousin's wife told her "we're going to spend some time together, it's been a really long time since we've gotten to spend any amount of time together", she got pissed off! She said she is starting to dislike her cousin's wife for this reason. I tried to tell her that they're newly married and it's hard being married to someone in the military, give them some time. Didn't work. When she was complaining about not having friends, I suggested she find different friends. Friends that aren't ALL about going to the bar and getting shit faced, nope, didn't work either. She actually told me "would you just let me whine and feel sorry for me?!" ".....*blink blink* ummm k?" So I did just that, didn't make her feel any better but it wasn't my problem anymore since she made it very clear to me that she isn't wanting to fix her problems, she just wants to whine about them.
This combined with the revelation I had about leading by example lead me to the conclusion that some people just like to wallow in their gunk. I will not feel guilty for staying positive and not allowing negativity to taint my life. I've done my time in the depression hole and I like things out of the hole MUCH better. I can NOT and will not go down that road again. Selfish? Perhaps some will view it as such, but my choice all the same.
This does not mean I won't give advice or help a sister out when she needs it, because I totally will. I'm patient and I love deeply and will do everything in my power to make one feel better, but there comes a time when I hear myself saying the same things over and over again to the same person. When this happens, it means it's time for me to move on. Not cut that person out of my life, but direct my energies elsewhere.
I don't say this to brag about my awesomeness or to say "if you just do as I do, you'll be oh so happy!" I say it because I know someone who I swear loves to live her life in a constant state of pity. She'll say things like "I have no friends. People only call me when they need something. never to just hang out". She'll blame others for things or put herself into situations that she KNOWS will make her life miserable. She never says no to anyone, despite not wanting to do the favor. She really is a piece of work. I can't figure out if she has this view on life because of her age or just who she is. I try to reason her attitude with all sorts of things while I try to help her out. The problem with trying to help her out is that it drains me. Not to mention she doesn't want my help, she just wants to whine and complain. I swear it's what feeds her. She makes horrible choices but will not take responsibility for them.
I've tried many times to talk her though bad relationships and reason with her about things, but nope it doesn't work. Now I just let her do her thing and move on. Yesterday she was upset because she had no friends and nobody would answer her calls or text messages. When she told me that her cousin's wife told her "we're going to spend some time together, it's been a really long time since we've gotten to spend any amount of time together", she got pissed off! She said she is starting to dislike her cousin's wife for this reason. I tried to tell her that they're newly married and it's hard being married to someone in the military, give them some time. Didn't work. When she was complaining about not having friends, I suggested she find different friends. Friends that aren't ALL about going to the bar and getting shit faced, nope, didn't work either. She actually told me "would you just let me whine and feel sorry for me?!" ".....*blink blink* ummm k?" So I did just that, didn't make her feel any better but it wasn't my problem anymore since she made it very clear to me that she isn't wanting to fix her problems, she just wants to whine about them.
This combined with the revelation I had about leading by example lead me to the conclusion that some people just like to wallow in their gunk. I will not feel guilty for staying positive and not allowing negativity to taint my life. I've done my time in the depression hole and I like things out of the hole MUCH better. I can NOT and will not go down that road again. Selfish? Perhaps some will view it as such, but my choice all the same.
This does not mean I won't give advice or help a sister out when she needs it, because I totally will. I'm patient and I love deeply and will do everything in my power to make one feel better, but there comes a time when I hear myself saying the same things over and over again to the same person. When this happens, it means it's time for me to move on. Not cut that person out of my life, but direct my energies elsewhere.
Apr 25, 2010
Leading by Example
Things are changing rapidly around here. Not only because there is a big move in our future, but also because that's what life does, it changes.
Nae will be 13 Monday (tomorrow) and we are all very excited about this. Her more than us, but lots of excitement nonetheless. We already got her an early birthday present, but tomorrow will be a "Nae day". We will be having breakfast for dinner, as per her request and I'm going to attempt to make a rainbow cake. Hopefully the cake looks and tastes fantastic. If not, I know it'll at least taste fine. Lots of fun self gratifying for a 13 year old, for sure.
As she gets older, I'm finding that me telling her what to do, how to act, etc isn't enough, I must show her by my actions as well. This was proved by our conversation about her eating habits the other day. I've told her many times about my history with poor eating habits and how it isn't safe, but clearly that wasn't enough. I'm not TOO worried about her eating as I've seen her eat many times since our conversation, but I am still concerned with her way of thinking. I decided that I am going to make some changes in the hopes that she will see and follow suit or at the very least change the way she is or was thinking. I don't want her to ever think she is less than beautiful. Obviously there will be days when she won't feel beautiful, but I want to give her a good solid foundation. I also want her to know how important it is to get an education. She is a great student and has never gotten anything lower than a B and has always made the honor roll, but I still want her to realize it is very important.
Me going to school and getting great grades is a huge factor in showing her how important school is. Yes, I went back to school late, but I am going and she sees that. She also sees me doing my homework, as well as Dirty and I switching rolls in our home. She knows a woman can stay at home if she chooses to and she knows that a man can do the same. Zilla sees this too, but ummm he isn't quite getting it just yet.
I also want to her to know that the way she carries herself and the way she speaks is important. I have always loved words. I love to listen to my dad and his side of the family speak Dutch and Indonesian because it's just so beautiful to me. I also love that my dad made a point to teach my sister and myself how to speak properly even though English wasn't his first, or even third language. Speaking properly and with respect was always a must when we were growing up. I always felt that my vocabulary wasn't all that vast nor great. I feel that me saying certain words, no matter how much I love them, sound so phony coming out of my mouth. That is no longer the case. I have found myself using words I normally wouldn't use and the kids are picking up on this. Today I used "proper" and "improper" and both the kids used them correctly a few times! I was so proud of them and myself. Obviously those aren't big words, but they aren't words I've heard 13 or 6 year old use. Proof that showing by example is working better than just talking to her, or them. I always knew that I needed to lead by example, but now it is VERY important.
I need to show Nae that I am happy with my body, but if there are improvements to be made, I will do them in a healthy way. Since I hurt my hand in January, I have gained probably about 10 pounds and I am unhappy with my body. I don't mind the weight so much, I do mind the lack of tone I have. I know it's from months of sitting on the couch and not being able to do much. Added in the fact that it rains here like non stop and school, I just didn't have time. Now that i see how my behavior has effect Nae, I have decided to do something about it. I have deiced I am going to track my caloric intake, but in a healthy way. I am not limiting myself to low calorie foods only, but I will be accountable for what I put in my body. I have control of what foods I put into my body and what foods are better for me than others. I am also becoming more active. last weekend Nae and I went on a walk to get our hair done and today the kids and I went on a LONG walk to get some ice cream. We walked probably about 4 miles total, and we had a blast. Neither of them whined about the distance, either!
I'm hopeful that these changes I'm making will impact her life, as well as mine in a positive way. I hope that I'm not sending her the wrong message, but showing her how to take your health into your own hands. I also intend to make them and her, more accountable for things around the house. No more leaving backpacks and shoe lying around the house for me to pick up. It is time for them to be responsible for their belongings and their surroundings. I know these changes won't be easy, but when is change EVER easy?
Nae will be 13 Monday (tomorrow) and we are all very excited about this. Her more than us, but lots of excitement nonetheless. We already got her an early birthday present, but tomorrow will be a "Nae day". We will be having breakfast for dinner, as per her request and I'm going to attempt to make a rainbow cake. Hopefully the cake looks and tastes fantastic. If not, I know it'll at least taste fine. Lots of fun self gratifying for a 13 year old, for sure.
As she gets older, I'm finding that me telling her what to do, how to act, etc isn't enough, I must show her by my actions as well. This was proved by our conversation about her eating habits the other day. I've told her many times about my history with poor eating habits and how it isn't safe, but clearly that wasn't enough. I'm not TOO worried about her eating as I've seen her eat many times since our conversation, but I am still concerned with her way of thinking. I decided that I am going to make some changes in the hopes that she will see and follow suit or at the very least change the way she is or was thinking. I don't want her to ever think she is less than beautiful. Obviously there will be days when she won't feel beautiful, but I want to give her a good solid foundation. I also want her to know how important it is to get an education. She is a great student and has never gotten anything lower than a B and has always made the honor roll, but I still want her to realize it is very important.
Me going to school and getting great grades is a huge factor in showing her how important school is. Yes, I went back to school late, but I am going and she sees that. She also sees me doing my homework, as well as Dirty and I switching rolls in our home. She knows a woman can stay at home if she chooses to and she knows that a man can do the same. Zilla sees this too, but ummm he isn't quite getting it just yet.
I also want to her to know that the way she carries herself and the way she speaks is important. I have always loved words. I love to listen to my dad and his side of the family speak Dutch and Indonesian because it's just so beautiful to me. I also love that my dad made a point to teach my sister and myself how to speak properly even though English wasn't his first, or even third language. Speaking properly and with respect was always a must when we were growing up. I always felt that my vocabulary wasn't all that vast nor great. I feel that me saying certain words, no matter how much I love them, sound so phony coming out of my mouth. That is no longer the case. I have found myself using words I normally wouldn't use and the kids are picking up on this. Today I used "proper" and "improper" and both the kids used them correctly a few times! I was so proud of them and myself. Obviously those aren't big words, but they aren't words I've heard 13 or 6 year old use. Proof that showing by example is working better than just talking to her, or them. I always knew that I needed to lead by example, but now it is VERY important.
I need to show Nae that I am happy with my body, but if there are improvements to be made, I will do them in a healthy way. Since I hurt my hand in January, I have gained probably about 10 pounds and I am unhappy with my body. I don't mind the weight so much, I do mind the lack of tone I have. I know it's from months of sitting on the couch and not being able to do much. Added in the fact that it rains here like non stop and school, I just didn't have time. Now that i see how my behavior has effect Nae, I have decided to do something about it. I have deiced I am going to track my caloric intake, but in a healthy way. I am not limiting myself to low calorie foods only, but I will be accountable for what I put in my body. I have control of what foods I put into my body and what foods are better for me than others. I am also becoming more active. last weekend Nae and I went on a walk to get our hair done and today the kids and I went on a LONG walk to get some ice cream. We walked probably about 4 miles total, and we had a blast. Neither of them whined about the distance, either!
I'm hopeful that these changes I'm making will impact her life, as well as mine in a positive way. I hope that I'm not sending her the wrong message, but showing her how to take your health into your own hands. I also intend to make them and her, more accountable for things around the house. No more leaving backpacks and shoe lying around the house for me to pick up. It is time for them to be responsible for their belongings and their surroundings. I know these changes won't be easy, but when is change EVER easy?
Apr 24, 2010
Touchy Discussions
The other day, in class, Peaches told me that her daughter told her that Nae had said something about not eating because she didn't want to get fat. I usually tend to take what Peaches' daughter says with a grain of salt because she tends to exaggerate the truth or lie completely. Which is one of the reason her and Nae don't spend much time together. it's sad and I would love for them to be great friends, but Captain (Peaches' daughter) is a very angry girl and is very jealous of Nae. Anyway.....I figured even if Captain was stretching the truth, it was a topic that needed to be discussed.
I got home from class and asked Nae if she had eaten that day and what. I tried to keep it casual, but failed miserably. I usually ask her what she had for lunch and if she ate something that wasn't crap before track, so it wasn't unusual for me to ask her if she had eaten that day. What was unusual was for me to sort of drill her about her eating habits. I let my fear take over instead of keeping a cool head. Poor Nae and Dirty were so confused as to why I was asking these questions. It was too late to backtrack and play it off like I was just concerned, so I had to spill the beans and tell them what I had heard. I hadn't meant to throw Captain under the bus, all I was trying to do was figure out what the heck was going on with Nae.
Once Nae knew I had good information she started crying and said it was true. I was DUMBFOUNDED! I've always been honest and upfront with her about my battle with Anorexia in high school. I thought for sure if I told her all about it, she would learn from my mistake and not repeat it. Apparently I was wrong. In the end, we found out she isn't not eating, but limiting her food intake so as not to become fat. It broke my heart to think that there had been days when she wasn't eating much because she thought she was fat. We told her it wasn't a concern for her to have, but if she felt it was a problem, there are better ways than not eating.
She's a very active child and is in fine health. I think we got through to her by explaining how her body is different from Captain's and if we felt there was a need for a change, WE would make it. She is NOT to limit her food intake because she doesn't want to gain weight. She can limit the funk food she puts into her body, make better food choices, but not eating at all is unacceptable. We were kinder about it, but that was the gist of our conversation with her.
Part of me thinks that Captain might have exaggerated the situation a touch, but clearly there was an issue there. One that I wasn't aware of and that disturbs me. As she gets older, I'm realizing that I don't know as much as I did before. She has friends I don't know and does things I am not aware of. Not bad things, she is a good kid, but her "play dates" don't consist of playing at the park with me and apple juice and graham crackers, anymore. Now she goes to the movies with her friends or goes downtown ("downtown" is a relative term here, this is a VERY small town) and gets some pizza after school. All of which I am OK with, but it's hard to know when to tighten the reigns or loosen them a bit.
Monday she'll be 13 (God help me) and I know things will get more difficult as she gets older, but I hope I'm level headed enough to deal with the teenage years. At least I am able to listen to stories about children her age and learn from what their parents did or didn't do. I'm not TOO concerned about her doing terrible things, but ya never know. I'll be aware, even more now, and hope I do it right.
I got home from class and asked Nae if she had eaten that day and what. I tried to keep it casual, but failed miserably. I usually ask her what she had for lunch and if she ate something that wasn't crap before track, so it wasn't unusual for me to ask her if she had eaten that day. What was unusual was for me to sort of drill her about her eating habits. I let my fear take over instead of keeping a cool head. Poor Nae and Dirty were so confused as to why I was asking these questions. It was too late to backtrack and play it off like I was just concerned, so I had to spill the beans and tell them what I had heard. I hadn't meant to throw Captain under the bus, all I was trying to do was figure out what the heck was going on with Nae.
Once Nae knew I had good information she started crying and said it was true. I was DUMBFOUNDED! I've always been honest and upfront with her about my battle with Anorexia in high school. I thought for sure if I told her all about it, she would learn from my mistake and not repeat it. Apparently I was wrong. In the end, we found out she isn't not eating, but limiting her food intake so as not to become fat. It broke my heart to think that there had been days when she wasn't eating much because she thought she was fat. We told her it wasn't a concern for her to have, but if she felt it was a problem, there are better ways than not eating.
She's a very active child and is in fine health. I think we got through to her by explaining how her body is different from Captain's and if we felt there was a need for a change, WE would make it. She is NOT to limit her food intake because she doesn't want to gain weight. She can limit the funk food she puts into her body, make better food choices, but not eating at all is unacceptable. We were kinder about it, but that was the gist of our conversation with her.
Part of me thinks that Captain might have exaggerated the situation a touch, but clearly there was an issue there. One that I wasn't aware of and that disturbs me. As she gets older, I'm realizing that I don't know as much as I did before. She has friends I don't know and does things I am not aware of. Not bad things, she is a good kid, but her "play dates" don't consist of playing at the park with me and apple juice and graham crackers, anymore. Now she goes to the movies with her friends or goes downtown ("downtown" is a relative term here, this is a VERY small town) and gets some pizza after school. All of which I am OK with, but it's hard to know when to tighten the reigns or loosen them a bit.
Monday she'll be 13 (God help me) and I know things will get more difficult as she gets older, but I hope I'm level headed enough to deal with the teenage years. At least I am able to listen to stories about children her age and learn from what their parents did or didn't do. I'm not TOO concerned about her doing terrible things, but ya never know. I'll be aware, even more now, and hope I do it right.
Apr 20, 2010
The Queen of Random Strikes Again
First of all I need to address something that I've never really touched on before. I did a few times (?) in passing, but I don't think I've ever stated a disclaimer. Sadly, I believe it is time for one. So...here goes...it has been brought to my attention that some of the people I see on a regular basis are reading my blog and Tweets. While it's a free country and the Internet is for everyone, even those that should stay FAR away from the World Wide Web, this space here is MINE. If you know me in real life and I did not give you the URL to my blog, you may not question me on what you read here. I use this space for support from my Bloggy Gals and to give support. I also use this place to get things out of my head so I don't take anything I say personally. I won't bash you, but I might mention you as it pertains to me and my life. If you don't like what you read, you may click that cute little red 'X' over there in the corner.
Alright, now that I got that out of the way, time for some randomness *throws confetti*
Here's a question for ya'll...Dirty and I got new phones WITH Internet capabilities *WEEEE* and while I use mine for cool stuff like, getting cool new themes and checking FaceBook (ya know, important stuff) Dirty uses his for...other things. It doesn't bother me that he looks at "stuff"; (I'm not trying to be cute or coy by using code, I'd just rather my blog not come up when teenage boys search for something to look at when they're cleaning their weapons) I actually find that it improves our intimate time. What kind has got me is that he wants me to share my fantasies with him, like every one of them. Ummm no thank you, those are mine! Since he is in overdrive, he wants both of to be in overdrive and wants to know what is going on in my head. I am thankful that after almost 17 years we still finds me attractive and wants to share things with me, but sometimes, the things that go on in my head, are just for me. I did end up telling him a few things and it did work out to my benefit ;o) but somethings I'd rather keep to myself. Am I being selfish or do a lot of women have certain fantasies they like to keep to themselves? I did ask one friend and she agreed with me, but that's the only one I've asked. So I'm asking YOU, should I divulge everything or keep somethings to myself?
NEXT! I did something on Saturday I thought I would NEVER do! I bought a pair of "high end" jeans *hangs head in shame* I blame Kristin for this. Why? Because she posted a link for THIS company and I have been stalking and drooling over those jeans ever since. I do know a few girls who swear by these jeans but I refuse to pay over $100 for a pair of jeans. I'm cheap, can't help it. I really have no need for these jeans, other then I need something to cover my bottom half when I'm out in public. The jeans I got at another store work just fine for this purpose, but when I walked into the boutique down the street from my house, I fell in love. The saleswoman was so kind to me and never pressured me once. I don't know what came over me but I walked out of that store with a pair of jeans that are very flattering, but also cost more than I have ever spent on a pair of jeans.
When I came home, I sent both Heather and Ellen a text telling them about my bout of insanity. Not to brag, mind you, but to get yelled at so I'd take them back. They did not do that. Ellen wanted pictures, so I obliged and she convinced me to take the tags off and keep em! That is exactly what I did! I took the tags off, threw em in the garbage so I can't return them and OWNED the fact that I just bought these jeans. So I am a proud owner of a fancy new pair of jeans. All I have to say is that they DAMN well better last a long time, or I will be PISSED! I will not feel guilty or ashamed of my purchase any longer. I may not have "deserved" these jeans, but I am in a place where I am able to buy them and splurge, so why not? It's been years since I've splurged on myself and the past few months I've done some splurging and it feels really great! I forgot how much I enjoy doing things just for myself. Going to school is not only for me, but for my family as well. My laptop was for school. My jeans and itouch are for me and that is OK!
NEXT! We had conferences for Zilla last week and he is doing well. Not "great" but he's keeping up. He still needs some extra help on math and his handwriting, but I'm proud of him for leveling up as much as he has in his reading. He's reading level 13 books now and we're hoping to get him at 20 by the end of the year. If not, he'll be damn close! His teacher did suggest summer school for him. Not because he is behind, but because he is "at level" and could use an extra push. My heart sank when she suggested that, but after talking to Dirty I don't feel that way anymore. When she told me about this, I had already planned that he was going to go because she said he needed to go. I felt I didn't have a choice, mommy guilt and all. Once I talked to Dirty, I reclaimed my power as Zilla's mother. I don't think that summer school is right for him. Yes it might give him an advantage, but at what cost? He'll miss part of his summer vacation and I don't have the heart to do that to him. He isn't like Nae who LOVES school, he would be miserable every second of every day. Summer time is suppose to be "fun time", not "boring time". Plus if we get that house, he won't be there to help us with painting and such. It may seem like a silly reason, but we really want to do things as a family with this house. I don't want him missing out on any of it. As Zilla's mom, I am saying "no thank you" to summer school and I know this is the right choice.
NEXT! The house *sigh* Our Realtor is an idiot and how she's been selling house for 15 years, is beyond me! She knew nothing about the credit we get if the contract is signed before April 30th and she showed us a house that wouldn't work for us at all! When we told her it wouldn't work, she kept trying to sell it to us! My dad, Dirty and myself were all standing outside talking while she was inside telling my aunt and uncle all the "great" things about the house. We totally checked out within five minutes of seeing the house because we knew it wouldn't work for us. The house we put an offer on, is still in the works. We're in escrow...again, but the last time we were in escrow there were complications with inspection. I'm hoping that everything has been resolved and we will sail through escrow, get the contract signed by the end of April and take possession in mid May. I'm trying to be low key about it, but I am really really for really reals SO excited about it! I'm keeping my excitement in check, but I am praying this is IT.It just seems like the perfect house for all of us. *crossing fingers*
And that is all! Thank you all SO much for the kind words about my mom's picture and my Omi's passing. Every word helped me stay above the tide that was trying to pull me down. I appreciate your help and support.
Alright, now that I got that out of the way, time for some randomness *throws confetti*
Here's a question for ya'll...Dirty and I got new phones WITH Internet capabilities *WEEEE* and while I use mine for cool stuff like, getting cool new themes and checking FaceBook (ya know, important stuff) Dirty uses his for...other things. It doesn't bother me that he looks at "stuff"; (I'm not trying to be cute or coy by using code, I'd just rather my blog not come up when teenage boys search for something to look at when they're cleaning their weapons) I actually find that it improves our intimate time. What kind has got me is that he wants me to share my fantasies with him, like every one of them. Ummm no thank you, those are mine! Since he is in overdrive, he wants both of to be in overdrive and wants to know what is going on in my head. I am thankful that after almost 17 years we still finds me attractive and wants to share things with me, but sometimes, the things that go on in my head, are just for me. I did end up telling him a few things and it did work out to my benefit ;o) but somethings I'd rather keep to myself. Am I being selfish or do a lot of women have certain fantasies they like to keep to themselves? I did ask one friend and she agreed with me, but that's the only one I've asked. So I'm asking YOU, should I divulge everything or keep somethings to myself?
NEXT! I did something on Saturday I thought I would NEVER do! I bought a pair of "high end" jeans *hangs head in shame* I blame Kristin for this. Why? Because she posted a link for THIS company and I have been stalking and drooling over those jeans ever since. I do know a few girls who swear by these jeans but I refuse to pay over $100 for a pair of jeans. I'm cheap, can't help it. I really have no need for these jeans, other then I need something to cover my bottom half when I'm out in public. The jeans I got at another store work just fine for this purpose, but when I walked into the boutique down the street from my house, I fell in love. The saleswoman was so kind to me and never pressured me once. I don't know what came over me but I walked out of that store with a pair of jeans that are very flattering, but also cost more than I have ever spent on a pair of jeans.
When I came home, I sent both Heather and Ellen a text telling them about my bout of insanity. Not to brag, mind you, but to get yelled at so I'd take them back. They did not do that. Ellen wanted pictures, so I obliged and she convinced me to take the tags off and keep em! That is exactly what I did! I took the tags off, threw em in the garbage so I can't return them and OWNED the fact that I just bought these jeans. So I am a proud owner of a fancy new pair of jeans. All I have to say is that they DAMN well better last a long time, or I will be PISSED! I will not feel guilty or ashamed of my purchase any longer. I may not have "deserved" these jeans, but I am in a place where I am able to buy them and splurge, so why not? It's been years since I've splurged on myself and the past few months I've done some splurging and it feels really great! I forgot how much I enjoy doing things just for myself. Going to school is not only for me, but for my family as well. My laptop was for school. My jeans and itouch are for me and that is OK!
NEXT! We had conferences for Zilla last week and he is doing well. Not "great" but he's keeping up. He still needs some extra help on math and his handwriting, but I'm proud of him for leveling up as much as he has in his reading. He's reading level 13 books now and we're hoping to get him at 20 by the end of the year. If not, he'll be damn close! His teacher did suggest summer school for him. Not because he is behind, but because he is "at level" and could use an extra push. My heart sank when she suggested that, but after talking to Dirty I don't feel that way anymore. When she told me about this, I had already planned that he was going to go because she said he needed to go. I felt I didn't have a choice, mommy guilt and all. Once I talked to Dirty, I reclaimed my power as Zilla's mother. I don't think that summer school is right for him. Yes it might give him an advantage, but at what cost? He'll miss part of his summer vacation and I don't have the heart to do that to him. He isn't like Nae who LOVES school, he would be miserable every second of every day. Summer time is suppose to be "fun time", not "boring time". Plus if we get that house, he won't be there to help us with painting and such. It may seem like a silly reason, but we really want to do things as a family with this house. I don't want him missing out on any of it. As Zilla's mom, I am saying "no thank you" to summer school and I know this is the right choice.
NEXT! The house *sigh* Our Realtor is an idiot and how she's been selling house for 15 years, is beyond me! She knew nothing about the credit we get if the contract is signed before April 30th and she showed us a house that wouldn't work for us at all! When we told her it wouldn't work, she kept trying to sell it to us! My dad, Dirty and myself were all standing outside talking while she was inside telling my aunt and uncle all the "great" things about the house. We totally checked out within five minutes of seeing the house because we knew it wouldn't work for us. The house we put an offer on, is still in the works. We're in escrow...again, but the last time we were in escrow there were complications with inspection. I'm hoping that everything has been resolved and we will sail through escrow, get the contract signed by the end of April and take possession in mid May. I'm trying to be low key about it, but I am really really for really reals SO excited about it! I'm keeping my excitement in check, but I am praying this is IT.It just seems like the perfect house for all of us. *crossing fingers*
And that is all! Thank you all SO much for the kind words about my mom's picture and my Omi's passing. Every word helped me stay above the tide that was trying to pull me down. I appreciate your help and support.
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