What is This Feeling?

I'm feeling very excited about going back to school. It's all moving so quickly, I don't even have time to second guess what I'm doing. Once the emails came in, I just reacted. I didn't think, I just did it. After the replies were sent is what I sat back wide eyed and said "WOW, I really just did that!". I'm really excited, the nervousness is being replaced by getting as much information as I can. I'm not as scared as I was before, I know this is the right choice. I'm not even stressed out about it. That's what's telling me this is the right decision to make. If not for the future of our family, then for ME! I've never really worked since we had the children. I've been very lucky that I was either able to take them with me to work or stay at home. This step I am taking is just for me. It's a very strange thing for me to do after taking care of everyone for so long. I'm very proud of myself for doing this.

I have been telling people and I've gotten great feedback. My MIL said she is so proud of me. She also advised me on separating myself from my work. That is going to be tough, but I'll do what I can when that comes up. My dad is a huge cheerleader, of course. He is very proud of me and keeps wondering why I'm so scared. I haven't told him that I wish mom were here. Although, I'm sure he knows. Graduation day is going to be a tough day for us, I think. Everyone is so excited for me and I'm feeling very thankful for that. At the same time, I feel like I need to hide it or play it down with some in my life. I'm not sure why that is, though. Maybe because I don't want them to feel bad for not taking the steps to do what they said they were going to do? The fact that I was thinking about going to school, was a huge secret. I didn't tell Husband for months. Then I finally told him and it took me weeks to even take the step forward. And there are a few people in my life who've talked about it and gone as far as filling out paperwork and then stalled. I'm not sure of the reasons, but I think frustration and life were major factors.

In the midst of getting accepted for the grant and accepted for the school (yesterday I got my acceptance email!) there has been a huge upheaval in our home. Roomie got into a car accident. Thankfully she's well and her CT scan didn't find any internal bleeding. She's looking for a new truck and is healing nicely. She's still sore, of course, but the scary part is over. It was really hard seeing her in so much pain and so miserable, but I was so glad I could help her! I was so happy to be able to get her water, make sure she has her meds and such. Plus it was good practice ;o)

Then Peaches' aunt had a stroke and they ended up having to take her off life support yesterday morning. Her aunt held on until after everyone left the hospital around 1AM. The family is devastated over the death of their aunt but Peaches seems to be acting different then I would accept. Peaches went to the hospital where her aunt was the day (Sunday) she had the stroke. She was gone all day and night. She came back on Monday because it was her daughter's birthday and she wanted to take her to the beach. The came home, took showers and then left. She didn't really say much to me. I figured she didn't want to talk about it. Then she went out that night and didn't come home until the next morning. I wasn't home, I was at the hospital with Roomie getting her CT scan. Husband said she wasn't in a bad mood or seemed really sad. He told her three times where Roomie and I were and Peaches didn't say anything. She texted me asking me about Roomie and that was it. Then she came home to grab her stuff because she got a phone call her aunt was dying. I only know this because I texted her to ask her what was going on. She came home sometime early this morning and when I woke up, she went to my bed. I didn't go to her, thinking she needed to sleep. I know it's very stressful being at the hospital with a sick/dying relative.

I talked to her once she woke up and she told me her aunt passed away. We talked a bit about that and then that was it. She changed the topic to something else. Then her friend picked her up and they left. I asked where she was going and all I got was "I'm leaving with Bob for a few days". I don't know if it's the grief that's making her act so off or if it's something else. I think I'm just going to let her be and if/when she wants to come to me, then I'll be here. I guess.

I don't mean to sound harsh or uncaring, but right now, I don't have time to chase her around and ask her whats wrong or drag any answers out of her. I don't have the want to do this. It's time to take care of me and my needs. Right now, my needs are going to school. I can't babysit anyone anymore. I've done it for way to long and when I need some babysitting, nobody is found.

I have gotten really good at expressing my feelings about things and telling exactly how I feel about losing my mom. I've been really good at asking for help when I need it. I even told Peaches, Roomie AND Husband about clicking on the wrong button while filling out the grant information.

It's a lesson in the making. I'm not sure if I'll ever do what I'm "suppose" do to where my friends' lives are concerned, but I am trying. It'll be really easy not to get so involved, when I'm eyeball deep in homework and classes. Like I said, this is the right decision and I don't regret it for one second. I just hope that my friends know that I won't be there to pick them up, like I was before. Time for my little chicks to leave the nest!

I Found an Amazing Giveaway!

And as much as I would like to keep th is giveaway to myself, I shouldn't. It's not right. I found Summer B and her blog tonight while I was finishing up the ICLW list. (WHEW it was a hard one this month! I did it though, iron commenter AGAIN! W00T!) Anyway, so I came upon Summer B's blog and she just had her 300th post! Way to go, girl! Not only is she having a giveaway but she's having a pretty cool giveaway! Pop on over to her bloghouse and check it out. It's like a whole basket of goodies!

When I woke up this morning, I felt TONS better then I did last night. Then reading all the comments on my last post, made me feel so strong, loved and humbled. Thank you so much for that!

I was a rough weekend. My roommate, got into a car accident on Friday. A woman ran a stop sign and Roomie hit her. It wasn't Roomie's fault, but that doesn't make one feel much better, especially when the driver of the other vehicle is in her 80's. Poor thing, both of them!

I got a phone call from Roomie's mom saying that Roomie was in an accident, didn't know how bad it was but could Husband go down there and get her because Mom was stuck at the shop. I tell Husband, he grabs his keys and flies out of the driveway. My phone rings and it's Roomie asking me where Husband was and if he could come down there, they're taking her to the hospital. As I'm about ready to say he'll be there in a few, she tells me he's there and hangs up. Then my phone rings AGAIN and it's Roomie's mom asking where the accident address is. Once again, as I'm on the phone, she finds it and says "oh this is bad, there's a lot of crap going on down here" and hangs up. I'm doing really well and not having a panic attack. Totally got my death issues in check on this one! w00t!

Husband gets home to get me so I can go to the hospital because Roomie was asking for me. I tell him that her mom was on the phone with me when she came up on the accident. We decide not to go, figuring her mom and dad could handle it. Plus I didn't want to get in the way. I tend to be a bit over helpful in situations like that. Roomie finally gets home and has a broken wrist, a few bruised-possibly cracked ribs, a BUNCH of bruising, but nothing TOO serious. We get her settled in her bed and her mom leaves. I immediately go into "annoyingly helpful mode". I'm asking her if she needs water, when she's taken her last dosage of pain meds and making sure she's doing what she's suppose to be doing. She finally goes to sleep and then Husband and I go to sleep too. It was an exhausting day.

Saturday was a bit better. Roomie was still pretty sore, but was up and moving around. I go to the grocery store and when I get home, my kitchen was clean! I am so very grateful that she cleaned the kitchen but for the love of God, her wrist is broken! Back to bed, she goes! I get her all settled, drug her up on her meds and tell her to stay put! She did fairly well. Up and down a few times but at least I was right there with her making sure she didn't do anything stupid like try to carry her laundry basket! *slaps head*

Sunday wasn't too bad, either. She was more sore, but in better spirits. Her mom came and picked her up and they went and did a few things and she came home and took a nap. I, once again, made sure she had all of the things she needed and she was thanking me over and over again. "You're welcome, this is what friends do", was my reply every time.

Today she went to the doctor and they're concerned about her liver and/or spleen being cut and causing internal bleeding. Her bruising is spreading on her stomach and they're getting darker. They ordered a CT scan for first thing in the morning. Now that the doctor's appointments are made, she's sleeping, the children are in bed, this is when I'm start to get scared. I'm going to the hospital with her in the morning and hopefully we'll get the results and I'm sure all will be fine, but I keep playing the "what if" game. What if the scan reveals a lot of internal bleeding and they go in to fix it and she doesn't come back? What do I do then? I know I'm jumping the gun a bit, but it's what I do. Like I said, I'm sure if the doctor thought it was that bad, they had admitted her today when she was in her office. I'm just a little bit worried.

I'm doing really well keeping these emotions and feelings in check. And I'm not THAT scared, just maybe a bit shook up. I'm worried for Roomie, I hope she's OK. She's in pain and I can't do anything but be there for her right now. I know that's important and I will continue to do that, I just hope we breathe a big sigh of relief tomorrow.

In a few years, however, I'll be able to help her more. Want to know why? BECAUSE I GOT APPROVED FOR MY GRANT! *shocked* I got the email today and I registered for the fall term for pre-nursing school! Holy shit! This is really happening! I have no idea what I'm doing as far as the registering process goes, but I assumed I did it right. I should have word within a few days. If I read the small print correctly this grant is per term. So I need to reapply for the winter term and I think I get the same amount. I'm not sure. I'll ask questions as I go, I guess. All I know is that I have an account with my name on it and my pin number attached it (that I can NOT under ANY circumstances give to anyone) with a certain amount of money in it to give to my financial office at school. *deep breath* this is REALLY happening! I am in shock, I can NOT believe it! I may be going to school in a few WEEKS.....

Taking A flying Leap....

More like I was pushed off the ledge of fear!

I've been thinking about going back to school for months. I haven't told anyone, I wasn't sure if I wanted to go or not. I knew that we could, as a family, do it. I knew that any schedule change could be worked with. I knew my husband could step in with volunteering at the school, if I was busy. I have NO worries about Husband becoming a house husband. He's done it before and it was GREAT! I was afraid of FAILING! That is not me at all! I usually don't fear anything and if I do, I face it. It may take me awhile, but I'll do it. I see fear as a weakness in myself. I don't like to feel weak.

I finally told Husband. I felt like a little girl telling someone a HUGE secret. He's told me many times I should go to nursing school. I always shrugged it off as "meh, maybe someday". He encouraged me and thought it was a great idea but didn't push me, he knows better. Not a dumb one, he is! He'd bring it up every now and then asking if I'd made a decision or if I have looked into anything. I didn't. Once again, he left me alone to come to a decision.

I told another friend and she was completely on board with the idea. She totally encouraged me and even wanted to go herself. With every person I told (2), it got less scary. Still scary, but a little less. Then I FINALLY got the balls to email Aunt Becky who went to nursing school. I asked her how hard it was and if she thought I could do it. I basically put my future in her inbox and she replied with a "JUMP OFF THAT LEDGE, YOU CAN DO IT!" And so....I did!

I got online just a few hours ago and signed up for grants for nursing school. *sigh* I am terrified. Not because I am going back to school at 33, that I can handle. I'm doing the right thing by going back to school. I'm scared of failing at this. I'm not dumb, but I don't have above average intelligence. I'm not having a pity party or asking for anyone to say "you ARE smart and you CAN do this". I'm just laying it all out there. I'm afraid I won't be able to "get" the book learning of it. I know how that sounds, I really do! But it's true. I know that if I study, I can pass the tests and I will learn things as I go. All of this I know, yet still, I am terrified!

As I was filling out the forms today, I hit the wrong button and was asked a bunch of questions about my parents. I was asked if they were married/divorced/widowed. I clicked "widowed" *sigh* Then they wanted to know when the parent died and I had to get into my box of things to make sure I had the correct date in my head. Of course I had the correct date in my head! Why did I feel the need to go to the closet and get THE box and look at all the memorial fliers from her funeral?! What in the hell compelled me to do that?!

So here I sit with this weight on my chest. A weight of knowing I did something so scary, but right. And knowing my mom won't watch me graduate from nursing school. It's a bitter sweet pill to swallow. I'm sure tomorrow the things my inner Polly Anna are saying will make me feel better. "You clicked the wrong button because mom IS with me. She knows I'm going to school and is proud of me. Mom will watch me graduate, she is always with me." But right now, I just wish I could call her and say "You're NEVER going to believe what I just did!"

This feeling isn't a good feeling. It isn't a feeling I've had for a long time. It isn't a feeling I've had since I've come to terms with her death. I'm sad. I'm having a "I want my mommy moment". While I know this feeling will go away tomorrow *hopeful* right now, it's hard to walk with this weight on my shoulders.

Show and Tell: Heaven Scent Boutique

Have you heard that Tara over at The Johnson's Have Angel Wings opened up an Etsy shop?! Did you ALSO hear that Heather gave her a brand new beautiful web page, too?! You can get WONDERFUL smelling scrubs and body frosting. She calls them body frosting because they are thick and oh so lovely on your skin.

This one is Butt Naked Whipped Body Frosting. Her description of it is: "Butt Naked is a wonderful blend of marshmallow, sugar, sweet heliotrope, honeydew, and vanilla….an exciting blend of pineapples, and tropical fruits." Her description is SPOT on! The smell is like tanning oil and it goes on SO smoothly. It did not leave me feeling greasy at all. When I put this one on, my husband immediately told me I smelled "sexy". SCORE!

This one is Celestial Waters. This one caught my eye right away! I love a fresh, clean and crisp smelling lotion and this one did NOT disappoint! She described it as: "Celestial Waters is a fresh ozone spiked with grapefruit, freesia and various sweet citrus essential fragrances. It will remind you of a relaxing day at the beach sipping on cocktails, soaking up the sun."

This beautiful pink one is Rockin Body Butter in Pink Champagne. This was one of my first choices because I LOVE pink and champagne is one of my favorites, as well. And the thought of combining the two had me bouncing up and down in my chair and rubbing my hands together in excitement. Her description is : "Pink Champagne is a soft fluffy strawberry scent with hints of a sparkling Champagne. One smell of this beautiful fragrance will have you longing for a girls night out on the town. Watch out, the boys might nibble on you!" When I opened this one my husband said "the whole room smells fruity. It's nice". I think that's man speak for "that smells really good on you. If I were a woman, I'd put it on".

And THEN I got a sugar scrub, too! It's called Sweet Sugar Scrub- Vanilla Buttercream Frosting. Her description is "Vanilla Buttercream Frosting is a soft buttery, vanilla scent that will remind you of your favorite frosting on a sweet vanilla cupcake." This stuff is AMAZING! When I opened up my box of goodies this one is the one that I smelled right away. I didn't even have to open any of the containers to smell them, the WHOLE box smelled good! This smell was what hit me first. I couldn't WAIT to take a bath and try it.

I've never used a sugar scrub before, only a salt scrub and I have to say that I MUCH prefer a sugar scrub. The sugar melts INTO my skin and made it feel SO soft. So soft, in fact, I emailed Tara and asked her if she put oils in it because my skin was so soft. Not oily, but so soft. She told me she did put some oil in it.

I also got two smaples in the box *YAY*. This one is Cinnamon Sugar Cookie. Her description is : "Cinnamon Sugar Cookies – Warm and fresh from the oven. This scent is a sweet and spicy blend of cinnamon and sugar with notes of vanilla frosting sneaking up to the top notes. Making these cookies delicious in every bite. Oh, wait a minute, these aren’t cookies! But it smells so good you’ll wish you had some milk." This one I have to hide from Peaches because she said she wants to smell like a sugar cookie all the time! I do share on occasion, but I am hording these for MYSELF! It REALLY does smell like a cinnamon sugar cookie!


And last but DEFINITELY not least, is another sample of Pink Sugar Cupcake. OH MY WORD! It smells SO good! I k now I've said that about eleventy billion times in this post and I'm GUSHING about these products, but it's TRUE! She described it as "Pink Sugar Cupcake is a sugary aroma that comes from ingredients you remember from your childhood. Made with hints of vanilla, caramel, and cotton candy along with a creamy, sugary vanilla frosting." Once again, she's 100% on her description. It smells WONDERFUL!

I seriously couldn't thank her enough for making these products because they are honestly the best lotions and scrubs I've ever used. I have NO idea how she makes these products, but she does and she does a damn good job! I don't like lotions or body butters that make me feel greasy. I hate lotions I get at the grocery store because they make my hands and legs feel like I have a layer of gunk on them. Plus *this is a really lame excuse* I have a touch screen phone and if my fingers are greasy, my phone won't work! My "touch" won't register on the phone and I won't get to the screen I need to go to. Tara's body frostings and body butters passed the phone test. After I used them, I could still use my phone. And since I use my phone ALL! THE! TIME! I was very very very happy.

I want to say a thank you to Heather. She Twittered me and TOLD me, not asked me, to pick out a product I wanted from Tarah's new shop. I agreed with her and said I was going to buy some, but she was not taking no for an answer. This went on for about 4 messages and then I finally caved. She put in my order and when I got the confirmation email, I told her it was TOO much! Noway could I accept all of that. She didn't email me back...either she disagreed with my thinking or was just too busy to retract her order ;o) I am on my knees with gratitude and humbled beyond belief because of Heather's act of kindness. Not because I didn't expect Heather to be so kind, but because I didn't DO anything to receive such a gift. She disagreed with me when I told her that. All I can say is thank you to Heather for being so kind and compassionate and to Tarah for making such wonderful products. You both are amazing and I am lucky to have friends like you!

OK, now that I'm done gushing go over to Mel's bloghouse and see what everyone else is bringing to class and then go to Tara's site and order yourself some goodies!

P.S go over to Heather's blog and enter her giveaway for a tub of your VERY own Whipped Body Frosting in the scent of Heavenly!

Body Images

I've read some GREAT posts on body image and I wanted to tell my story. It started when I read Tracy's post. She did a video blog WHILE buying a bikini. It's an amazing post and video and I urge you to watch it and read it. She's an amazing writer, as well. Plus she's my NEIGHBOR! *waves, Hi Tracy* Then Kristin did a post that made me want to jump through my screen and kiss her! She had me with the title of her post: "You Are Beautiful". Finally I read Erica's post and was nodding my head and saying "YES, ME TOO!" the whole time. These are just a handful of bloggers that I love and think the world of. I'm sure there are more posts out there about body issues, but these three are the ones that stood out to me. Here's my story...

I use to have MAJOR body issues...who hasn't OR doesn't, right? This moment in my life, I'm pretty happy with my body. I could do more crunches (invented by the devil, I am SURE) but I don't. I could run more, but I don't. I'm not lazy, I walk just about everywhere I go, but I could do more. I was running just about every day, but I got frustrated with what it was doing to my thighs. They became "bulky" and the shorts and jeans that fit me BEFORE, no longer fit me. The whole "my vagina is hungry and is eating my shorts" look wasn't for me. I know why my thighs are rubbing together and it looks like my vagina is munching on my shorts, but nobody else knows that! It would look like my shorts no longer fit me and I need to get new ones. Which, in a sense, is true, but not really. I know I am making no sense and I realize that NOW, but as I'm walking down the street doing the "shuffle to get the shorts out of my crotch" it made perfect sense to just stop running because it wasn't working for me.

My body issues started when I was in high school. BIG surprise, no? I had a boyfriend who told me I was fat. Yes, I'd love to see him now and tell him where he can shove his comments, but then it made a HUGE impact upon my life. I was NOT fat then. Not even a little bit. I had athletic thighs from softball and hips, but not fat. He told me this and I decided to "fix" it. It wasn't a conscious decision (that I can remember), but it happened. I became anorexic. I stopped eating. I can't stand to throw up, so I could NEVER be a bulimic. But not eating? No problem! I would seriously live on one meal a day, if that! I would eat like a bird. Everyone thought this was so cute, at first. Then it became apparent there was a problem. The problem was that I was passing out A LOT. A few times in school, once at work, and a few times at home. The time it became apparent there was a problem was when I got up in the middle of the night to pee and passed out on the toilet. I could have just came too and gone back to bed and nobody would have known, but my head was stuck between the tank and the wall. So I had to be rescued......by my parents *sigh*. I was embarrassed but more concerned that they were going to ask why I was passing out all the time. About a week before, I had passed out in school. The last thing I remember is sitting in math class and the room going dark. Then I was waking up on the floor.

I did my best to let convince everyone I was just stressed out. Prom was coming up, finals, mid-terms..anything I could come up with. Finally they all realized something was wrong. My parents thought something was really wrong with me and we went to many doctors and many specialists. Ironically enough, it turned out I had a mild case of epilepsy. Which, I'm sure was due to my not eating. Who knows...all is well now.

The last straw was when I passed out at work. I was working for a grocery store and was the bottle counting chick *sexy*. That's where I met my husband, actually. We had been dating at this time and I had gotten my weight down to MAYBE 100 pounds. I'm 5'2" and I looked horrible! (to everyone else. To me, I thought I looked great) Husband had gone into the Navy by this time and once again, I was obsessed with my weight. The obsession would come and go. There were times when I could allow myself to eat and times I would not allow myself to eat.

So, I'm doing my bottle counting thing when I start to feel light headed. I grab onto a cart and down I go. Thankfully my dad was there returning his bottles and cans and pushed everyone out of the way to get to me so I wouldn't smash my head on the concrete floor. Not to mention bury my face in a puddle of stale beer and soda..GROSS! He and my supervisor carried me into the back room, cleared off a desk and laid me down. I remember this as a dream, I was in and out of consciousness., still. I went home and slept the rest of the day. I think my parents told my *now* in-laws because somehow Husband knew about it.

From then on out, my eating habits were scrutinized. I was asked many times if I had eaten and what I did eat. Even Husband got in on it and he was either in San Diego or in Japan. Doesn't matter where in the world he was, if I got a phone call from him, his first words were "did you eat today? What did you eat? You HAVE to eat!" Dinner time was horrible for me. I knew I had to eat, but having everyone stare at me and watch me, just made me NOT want to eat. My older sister threatened to force a sandwich down my throat. She made good on that threat, too. She sat on my chest and forced me to eat. Oh I was SO pissed off at her!

After years of not eating and not taking care of myself, I realized being 100 pounds is not OK. It's not how my body is meant to be. Rarely if ever do I have a regression. A little over a year ago, I remember looking at our laxatives and thinking "I could take those and lose a quick 5 pounds". I didn't take then, but the thought alone was enough to scare me. I told Husband about it and my mom. I didn't and don't want to go back to where I was back then. I won't lie and say I don't want to be 100 pounds, because I do. I just know that it is not healthy. It is not how my body was made to look. I have hips and breasts, weighing 100 pounds does nothing but make me look sick.

Today I am still 5'2", but I weigh 140 pounds. I've tried healthy eating, which works. I've tried exercising, which works as well. These work in the way that they make me feel good, they don't make the scale move, however. I'm not even sure why. I seriously ran a mile every day, ate healthy for a month and that damn scale never moved. I was more annoyed, then upset. I try not to diet as I know it will bring me back to that place. Actually, I NEVER diet. I am against dieting. I will never be an advocate of it. I will, however, be an advocate of exercising and eating healthy, but NEVER dieting.

I realize that if I choose to put healthy foods in my body and become more active, then I am setting a good example for the young girls in my life. I realize that I will NEVER love my body 100% of the time. I also realize that I do love my body. It is mine. The little scars, stretch marks and such that pepper my body are mine and they tell a story of my life of 33 years. Most importantly, I don't need anyone to tell me that I am beautiful because I can feel it. It might be stronger on some days then others, but it is there.


By comparison, here is a picture of me in my in late teens (19-ish) when I was around 100 pounds. Don't mind the kick ass curly fro I've got going on but do note the collar bone sticking out. And how my shirt doesn't fit because I couldn't find an extra small. I can see my bones! That's not how I thought I looked back then!


And here I am now..ish. This was taken about a year ago, but i don't have any other full body shots that I'm not in some slutty cop costume ;o) Not much has changed since this picture was taken. My hair is longer, I'm not chewing bubble gum and I don't have that ipod anymore. Other then that, that's me now. However, since running, those jeans don't fit me. They are my favorite jeans, too! I haven't tried them on in months, but I'm pretty sure they won't be fitting me again. *sigh* oh well! There will be other jeans, I will fallin love with.

The funny thing about these pictures is that in the first one I had NO boobs. Now...I've got ALL kinds of boobs. I have NO idea how that happened, but I am NOT complaining!

So, dear friends, what's your story? Do you have a body image story? Do you have a tale to tell about how you hated yourself and thought you were fat or whatever, only to realize you looked great back in the day? Or how you were young and dumb and thought diet pills were the cure to all your woes? If so, I'd love to hear it! Let me know either in the comments or with a link to your blog.

Please come back tomorrow when I show you what I got in the mail. Hint:

It Went Really Well!

Please for the love of God and everything that is holy, do NOT submit these pictures to Cake Wrecks! I am proud that I did this cake. However I am NOT going into cake decorating business ANYTIME soon. I'll leave that to the experts such as Sassy and KimboSue. And anyone else who can decorate a cake better then I...such as ANYONE!

It started on Saturday when I baked both layers, with a cake mix. I totally cheated because I knew I was going to be STRESSED out with the fondant and if I had made a cake from scratch, I would've gone CRAZY! I baked them, let them cool and put a layer of icing on them. The icing I made came out a bit thin, so I put it in the fridge for a bit and it was fine. It wasn't as thick as I would have liked it for in between the layers, but it was going to work. The cake came out totally lopsided, which actually worked out in my favor, as we were doing a construction cake and I needed a "hole" to put some mud in. I was planning on baking just a cupcake and putting that on the side, but I didn't have to do that, since part of the cake sunk. Totally not freaking out at this point...that's later.

Then I put the whole cake in the fridge while I rolled out the fondant and BEGGED my husband to go to the store and get frosting so I wouldn't have to make more and have it be "runny" again and stress out *some more*. Thankfully, he took pity on me and went to the store. I should've started drinking at this point, I might have been more calm.

Rolling out the fondant wasn't as bad as I had thought it was going to be. Although, cleaning up powder sugar off my counter is NOT as easy as cleaning off flour from a pie crust, but whatever. It rolled out pretty well and it didn't break when I put it on the cake. Which, I totally expected it to do. I probably could have rolled it out a bit thinner, but for my first time, not so bad. Since I chickened out and didn't have the courage to dye the fondant, we had a "snow scene construction site" cake...lol I did find the correct mixture of colors to make brown, which is NOT what was suggested by Master Baker Google when I Googled it. Equal parts of blue, red, and yellow do NOT make brown. I can't even remember what ended up being brown, it was those three colors, but it was not equal parts.

Once it was covered in fondant and it was time to put the trucks on it and the chocolate frosting, is when I started to stress the FUCK out! I had a picture of what this cake was going to look like in my head and it was NOT turning out the way I had pictured. Finally, I let it go. Husband, thankfully, talked me off the ledge and gave me "permission" to screw up this cake. Worst case scenario, we'd go to the grocery store before Zilla's birthday party and get another cake. Once again, wine would have helped me here ;o)

I opened up the frosting and Zilla and I went to town on the cake! He told me where he wanted his trucks and how he wanted one to "look like it crashed, with mud ALL over it". The "tracks" in the "snow" were Husband's idea. We drove the trucks through and cut out the fondant with a knife. It worked really well and when we pulled off the fondant, it REALLY did look like the truck had drove through it! I was really pleased at how it was coming together.

Zilla HAD to have his name on his cake and his age. So I did that...and THAT'S where it went downhill! I bought the correct icing but didn't even THINK to buy tips *slaps head*. So, his name came out like he wrote it. Sadly, he probably could have done a better job, but oh well, I tried. the best part was that Husband came in as I was feeling all disappointed about how it turned out and suggested I use the yellow icing to outline his name. I told him he was MORE then welcome to try that. So he did and it didn't work! So, I felt a little victorious that the one who has NO artistic talent at all *me* didn't do any better then the one who does *him*. Childish, I know, but STILL, made me feel better. Which is why there is a little random "happy birthday" decoration that doesn't even match on the cake. That's where Husband tried to use the yellow icing. Couldn't really erase it, so we just covered that little mistake up...lol Nobody knows about that..shhhhhh


The best part of the whole thing is when all of Zilla's friends came over, he took them directly to the fridge and showed them his cake. He was very proud of it and was very proud that his mom made it.

Everyone was very impressed with it and thought it looked really great. Even if they were being nice, it was good to hear. Dinner was a success, even though MAYBE two of the six kids that were here, ate it. All of the adults really liked my lasagna and I got LOTS of compliments on it. I'm always a bit too critical of my cooking, so I thought it wasn't as good as the last time.

The in-laws didn't go insane with all the extra WILD boys running around. They got Zilla cool toys and my FIL was very pleasant to be around. Probably because they had just bought a new car and he was either in shock, or on a "new car smell" high.

I still have a whole box of fondant left over and I might try to dye some of it. Maybe I'll even bust out another cake and it'll look super cool! I might even go as far as to buy tips for my icing next time. It was a learning experience that could have turned out A LOT worse. I'm happy with how the cake turned out and the events of the day. I am MORE happy that it's over and I can go to bed soon...ahhh my bed is calling me name!

ACK It's Going to be a Busy Day!

Today I'm going to be cleaning the house and making a cake! And I am TERRIFIED! Not terrified of the house cleaning, that I can do. I don't WANT to do it, but I can. It's the making of the cake that I'm terrified of. Somehow I got it into my head (with help from Husband) that I can make a "Cake Boss/Ace of Cakes" cake. At first I was like "oh hell yeah I can do that!" Now? Not so much.

I've got the cake mixes. There is NO way if I'm using fondant for the first time, I'm making a cake from scratch! I bought the pre-made fondant...at Walmart no less! I was not expecting them to have it. I was going to make my own and called around of glycerin and it was $20 for 18 ounces of it! Oh hell no! First of all, I don't need 18 ounces of it, second of all, I'm not paying $20 for something I don't think I'm ever going to use again! Now all I have to do is bake the cakes today and decorate them tomorrow. I'm scared!

I've got a pretty good idea of how it's SUPPOSE to look in my head. And I've enlisted help from Tracy, but I'm pretty nervous. I'm not quite sure how this is going to turn out.

Tracy says it'll be easy. Husband says it'll be easy. Peaches say it'll be easy. Me? Still not sold on the idea. Any fancy cake decorators want to come to Oregon and help me with this cake? You can sign your name on the side! I'll pamper you before and after the cake is done. I'll let you boss me around. Whatever you want! I'll even kick Peaches off the couch and you can sleep there. I make REALLY good omelets and coffee, so we can have a wonderful breakfast. Any takers? Please?! *sigh* didn't think so.

OK, off I go to attempt to make this cake. Hopefully I'll be able to update ya'll tomorrow with pictures of a BEAUTIFUL cake and hilarious stories of how it all went down....