Real Quick....

...because I'm suppose to be studying. Today is my final FINAL!!! Awwww yeah! I have a whole! week! off! before I start summer school. I'm hoping the classes I chose are pretty low key so I will be able to have some sort of summer, if not....oh well. I've had a lot of summers off, it's time to not have a summer off.

As of yesterday, I have an A in two classes. I took my medical terminology final on Tuesday, got an A on it and an A in the class...w00tz! Thursday was my math final and I was crawling out of my skin all day long! I was going over my notes, reworking equations, and freaking out. As I was taking the test my mind went blank, I didn't panic, took some deep breaths and did what I knew and the others came to me. Not as much as I would have liked, but a B+ on a math final is just fine with me. Honestly I could have gotten a D on that test and still ended up with an A, thankfully that didn't happen and I secured a 94%...not to bad, I say!

I'm going to switch topics here real quick because I'd like to know what ya'll think. There is a little boy Kyron Horman, 7 years old who went missing almost a week ago and there is a state wide search for this little guy. He's 7 years old and his school didn't notify his parents he wasn't in class, so nobody knew he was missing until almost 4PM. Obviously there are rumors flying around about his disappearance, but that isn't what I want to discuss. I've heard a lot of talk about blaming his school, his mother, his step mother, and many many others. I can't blame anyone, I don't know what happened to this little boy. What I do know, is that this whole situation is making me sick to my stomach. I can't even tell you how many times I've cried watching the news or reading FB updates. I don't want to turn this into "what if that were my kid", but I also can't help it.

Kyron is about the same age as Zilla and this could EASILY, too easily, be my kid. Not only because of Kyron's and Zilla's age, but because he went missing at school. That almost happened to us not very long ago when we found Zilla in the parking lot at his school. When I raised a stink about it, I wasn't taken seriously. I ended up dropping it because nobody was helping me and Dirty and I just made sure to tell Zilla to stay by the front of the school and be there to pick him up before it got to crowded at the school. We've had many conversations with Zilla about who he's to go home with and who he isn't, especially since he's been asking about Kyron.

The one thing I do know is that the school screwed up, not only with Zilla but also with Kyron. It IS the school's job to make sure the children that attend there are safe. I get it, they have a lot of children, believe me I get that. That doesn't take away the fact that the schools are responsible for the children while they are in attendance there. They are responsible for their safety during school hours and to make sure they have a safe way to get home. If a child walks home, the teachers should be aware of that, if a child is being picked up by a parent or someone else in a vehicle, the teachers should know this as well. The children should have a designated area to wait and if they are 6 years old, they should NOT be walking around the DAMN parking lot. Obviously this is my view on it, but no only because I found my kid almost in the parking lot, but because of Kyron. Do you KNOW how easily it would have been for someone to take my son? Nobody would have know until I couldn't find him. That thought right there makes me want to throw up. Ya'll would be seeing me and Dirty on every damn news channel begging for my child to come home. I don't want that to be me or my life, obviously. But the similarities are just TOO close for me to just ignore them. Here's where I need your help, I need you to tell me if this thought is a rational one or if I'm overacting. I want to write the principal at Zilla's school an email. I want to tell him the reason why I freaked out on them December was because bad stuff can and DOES happen to children. I want to tell him that the way his school does pick up is ridiculous, its unorganized and nobody knows where they belong. I'm almost tempted to have someone who isn't on Zilla's pick up list to get him from school, but I'm pretty sure that would just back fire in my face. I already shot myself in the foot one time, don't really need to do it again. All I want is for the principal that his school is immune from this shit because it isn't. Just because we live in a small city doesn't mean we don't have perverts living here, because sadly we do. All I know if something happens to one of my kids and the school could have done something to prevent it, ya'll are gonna see my on the national news...

So do you think I should write the email or am I over thinking this whole thing? Be honest, brutally even. OK, I'm off to study for my final. I will be back later and read through and comment on blogs! OMG I am SO behind. Miss ya'll!
*HUGS*

Let's Have a Little Chat, Shall We?

WHEW has it been awhile since I've been here! And it looks SO different! Thank you Heather for revamping my blog. I love it! It's been a very busy, crazy, and wild few weeks. School is going well....could be going better but I'm not failing anything, so there's that. I'm getting 3 A's and a B; oddly enough the B is in my writing class. I am having THE worst time in this class. I am NOT a very good persuasive writer, but I've got one more essay to write and I'm feeling pretty good about it. OK enough about that, lets get to the good stuff...

Awhile back I had asked ya'll about sexual fantasies and husbands. Dirty has been picking my brain and wants to know what I'm thinking. Which normally isn't a bad thing, but some things are just for me. Ya'll agreed and so I decided not to tell him EVERYTHING, but just a few things. Since I turned 30 my libido has been THROUGH the roof! (think of a cat in heat) We've been both having all kinds of fun with this the past 4 years or so, but lately? Oh goodness! I don't know if it's that I'm out doing things like school and reliving the college years I never had and taking time for myself or what but things in the bedroom area haven't calmed down and from the way he accosts me when I pass him, it doesn't look like they will any time soon. Which, obviously, I am OK with. Since I love to analyze things, I decided to analyze why we've been acting like he just got home from boot camp. Here's what I came up with...

~My confidence is a lot higher than it was before. I'm not at home all the time doing laundry, cooking meals, worrying about who has to be where and what time. I'm actually out doing things for myself. It may be just going to the school for my math class, but for those 2 hours, all I'm thinking about are equations and the idiot in the back who keeps interrupting the professor. This time is my time. Me time does wonders for my libido, apparently.

~I'm not depressed anymore. Obviously this is a no brainier. Being depressed will do NOTHING for ones libido. Kind of hard to have sex when you're crying and sleeping all the time. Least it was for me. Coming to terms with my mom's death and what it meant for me was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, thus far, but well worth it.

~Going out with my friends. It could be looked at that I do this too much, but I disagree. I did nothing with anyone for about 10 years after I had Nae and Zilla. I wasn't a hermit, I was just very focused on them and other stuff. The nights when I go out with my friends is just for fun and to let all the stress go from school and home. Even if going out on a Thursday with a friend and his brother (which isn't not a great idea because guys LOVE to play drinking games and I lose) and being hung over the next day is "frowned" upon by others, I don't care. This is my life and I'll get away when I can.

~Spoiling myself. I've been buying myself things that I don't "need" but did it anyway because, dammit I deserve it! Spoiling myself with a new pair of jeans or even a new bra makes me feel good, which makes Dirty feel good, if you know what I mean.

~Getting good grades. This is a confidence things because the 2 terms of getting a 4.0 is all ME, but it makes me feel proud of myself and I'm happy We all know a happy woman means a happy rest of the world.

~My hand isn't broken anymore and I don't foresee any surgeries in my future. Being without pain is always a plus.

I don't have time for everything I want to do, but I am getting better at organizing my schedule and that makes me less stressed out. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do the best I can.
Spring term ends in 2 weeks and summer terms starts about 2 weeks after that. Hopefully financial (no) aid will hold up their end of the bargain and I'll be able to attend a few classes over the summer and then start again full time in the fall. If not, then I'll be busy painting and organizing the new house. If THAT doesn't happen, we'll figure something out. We should close June 15th, but nothing has gone according to plan, so I'm not putting any money on anything just yet. I'm hoping I'll be back to blogging and reading blogs with some regularity soon. In the mean time, my nose will be stuck in a book studying for my FINALS!

Hanging on by a Thread

I'm trying, I really am and I may even be succeeding...if only on the outside. On the inside, not so much. I'm a truly living up to my name "Beautiful Mess" these past few weeks. Mother's day *sigh* I am not a fan. My first mother's day without my mom was tough, but I dealt with it. And by "dealt with it" I mean Peaches and I made many batches of margarita and we drank them all. Not a very good way to deal with something, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I didn't cry one time, thank you very much Patron, I was a happy drunk. The next year I didn't want to acknowledge the day at all. I wanted it to be any other day, but that wasn't an option. So I allowed Dirty and the children to do their thing while crying when the children weren't around. Last year was rough too, but a dear bloggy friend organized "OMG You Rock" and I was able to focus my energies on someone else and look forward to open my gift. It worked and the day wasn't so horrible. This year is the exact opposite. I hear or see a commercial for Mother's Day and I get angry. I've even gave the TV the middle finger, I'm oh SO mature.

I know it's selfish but I want to scream at the TV "not everyone wants to celebrate Mother's Day, assholes!" I can't escape the day, no matter how hard I try. And apparently I'm not pulling off the "I'm fine" front I'm trying to pass off. Dirty told me yesterday he wasn't sure what to do for Mother's Day. He knows I want to forget it and do nothing, but can't. I just want Sunday to pass as quickly as possible so I can get out of this damn funk I've been in for two weeks.

I'm not sure what's in store for Sunday. I do know that Zilla has something for me he made at school and I'm so very appreciative he was able to make something for me. He also has a flower to give me, if only it wasn't a mum, that might not make the tears flow so easily. I don't know what Dirty and Nae have planned and I'm really hoping it isn't something huge. I am just not ready to celebrate this day. All the other holidays, I can deal with. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and all the rest, I can get through without wanting to throw something at my TV or hide in bed for hours, but not this one. Yes, I am SO grateful for my family and the fact that they want to show appreciation for me on this day, despite it not sounding that way. I am perfectly aware there are women who would like nothing more than to have a mum given to them by their child. Right now, in this moment, I can't get over the fact that I can't celebrate with my mom.

I always spoiled my mom on Mother's day. I would get her flowers, a sweet card and something nice. Something that was just for her, something that she didn't have to share with anyone else, something to celebrate her womanhood and how amazing she is. I haven't been able to do that in four years and that hurts, a lot. Thinking about our past mother's days, just makes me sad. Thinking that if I bought her a card right now, she wouldn't be able to enjoy it and I wouldn't be able to see the tears of gratitude in her eyes, that just breaks my heart.

I know I'll get through this and the other side is a nice and calm place to be, but at this moment that place seems very far off. I'll get there, it'll take some tears and some hissy fits, but I'll get there.

Project What If

I debated on posting this all week. I am a HUGE supporter for all my beautiful, amazing Bloggy friends going through infertility, but I always feel like a fake when I say we struggled with infertility, too. Not that our struggles don't mean anything or "count", but what we went through was NOTHING compared to what some of you go through on a daily basis. My biggest fear when joining the ALI group on Mel's blog roll was offending someone who is struggling. That, THANKFULLY, has never happened. Not that I'm aware of at least. I know that the pain of infertility isn't a pissing contest, nor would anyone look at me and say "you don't belong", but still! The thought of offending someone or causing someone pain with my words, makes me want to cry and run away from my blog. I'm a compassionate woman, and I feel horrible for those still struggling. I know that NIAW is an important week to all of us and we (even me) should make infertility something everyone can talk about. I posted a status update on FB and got a lot of support and after reading MANY of the posts, I have decided to do my own.

WHAT IF....

What if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Nae? What would my life look like now?

What if I hadn't gotten an infection in my uterus, thus causing scarring?

What if the scarring hadn't caused my first miscarriage?

What if my mom never told me about hers? Would I know what was happening to my body?

What if I hadn't had my second miscarriage? Would that child been a girl or a boy?

What if I had both those children I miscarried? Would I have 4 alive children, or would we have stopped at two?

What if my BIL allowed us to adopt his son, before I got pregnant with Zilla? Would we have still tried to have another?

What if we had stopped at two? Would the second be just like Zilla?

What if I didn't know my body so well and didn't realize I was having another miscarriage in December 2008?

What would have happened if I was able to carry that child to term?

What if I hadn't made the decision to take charge of my body and have my tubes tied after Zilla?

What if I was able to carry a child to term without medication or fear? Would we have more?

I don't have the answer to ANY of these questions. I do my best not to dwell on the what if's of life, they tend to make me sad. Instead I try to find the joy and beauty in what I have NOW.

Right now I have a family. It isn't the one I saw myself having when I was a child, but its the one that's perfect for me now. 

I vow to make a difference in the way people look at infertility. I will do my best to make people knowledgeable about the subject. I will continue to work toward my goal of being a fertility RN. I will talk about infertility in my classes and educate as many people as I can.

You can read more What If's at Mel's place in her comment section. They are all so beautifully written with such emotion. You can also go to Resolve's website and see what YOU can do to help spread the word.

Sugar Doll

Well that was annoying..apparently Blogger won't let me add pictures to me blog directly from my computer anymore. Anyway....


Kristin gave me an award! WOOOHOOO thanks doll! This is perfect because I have eleventy billion things bouncing around in my head but none of them are related. Here is The Low Down of what I am suppose to do.... I have to say 10 things about myself and then I need to give this award to 10 fellow bloggers


1) I have a secret that I've only told a few people but I'm going to spill my guts here. It isn't THAT much of a secret, but it's huge to me. I want to be a nurse (that's not it) but I don't want to be just any nurse, I want to be a fertility nurse! I believe I have the ability to do it, I'm just unsure of the logistics of it. The closest clinic to me is about an hour away. The biggest hospital for training is almost 2 hours away. I might end up going to nursing school there, anyhow so it might be a doable goal. Only time will tell, but there it is. It's finally out in the open. I'm both terrified and excited!


2) When Dirty has his anxiety attacks, I have to confess I have thoughts in my head that aren't very nice or supportive. I never say them out loud and I know I am entitled to my thoughts, but I still feel bad for having them.


3) When someone else cleans my kitchen, it takes everything I have to thank them. They live here too, why do I need to thank them for cleaning up after themselves?


4) I am a HORRIBLE house keeper! I'm not even exaggerating when I say this, my house is usually a disaster of unfolded laundry and school books laying around. You don't even want to know the state of my kitchen floors and bathroom, it's embarrassing.


5) My children and 13 and 6 and I STILL check to see if they're breathing ever night.


6) I go out with my friends usually once a week and despite being told many times I should stay at home with my family because apparently I'm not allowed to have a life outside my home, I enjoy it and always have a good time.


7) When I do go out with my friends, I am usually with more men than women and sometimes I get a ride from a man(!) Walking into wherever we end up with another man this isn't my husband causes a lot of whispers and I get way TOO much enjoyment out of it.


8) I am LOVING my Human Sexuality class. I've read more chapters in that book than I need to, but it's SO interesting!


9) I've never mowed a lawn in my life! I always told Dirty that I'd mow the lawn if we got a house, looks like I might have to mow a lawn this summer. Which I won't mind because that means WE'LL HAVE A HOUSE!!!


10) I have decided that pay a little bit more for clothing is worth it. I've gotten 2 shirts and a dress at WalMart and all of the have a hole in the seem. ANNOYING!


Alright, now who to pass it on to....


JellieBraden. I met this BEAUTIFUL woman on twitter and her blog is AMAZING, as are her tweets! Go check her out.
WannaBeMom. Another BEAUTIFUL woman I met on twitter. She just started a blog, go check it out! She is a wonderful, supportive friend!
Sass. She is in the dreaded two week wait right now. She could use a lot of distraction, and as always some love.
Kristal. Her oldest just had her 15th birthday, go over and wish her a happy birthday!
Heather. She is having a hell of a week! She told me yesterday that she was so bored, she was thinking about eating her own face. I reminded her how much of a mess that would be, thankfully she changed her mind.
Raelene. Not only is she AWESOME and totally deserves this award, but she lives in an amazing town that rallied for their neighbors. the story is both heartbreaking and heart warming.
Jamie. She needs to be flooded with love right now. Plus she gave me her phone number! I can now stalk her..YAY!!!
Ellen. Obviously she's awesome, but her last post was a cliff hanger! Soooo not cool. hopefully this will get her blogging again ;o)
Gabby! She won't have time to write anything because she just had her babies! Go over and give her a hug!
Katiepie. She is awesome, amazing, AND beautiful. she's going through some MAJOR stuff right now and could use something to make her smile.


Thanks again, Kristin, I really appreciate it!


**not sure why my spell check decided to KEEP the words highlighted, but it did.**
*And now Heather fixed it*

Negativity Breeds Negativity

I don't hold the key to happiness nor do I know what it is. What works for some, might not work for me and vise verse. What I do know is that if someone walks around with a cloud of doom hanging over their head and blaming everyone else for their depressing life, they can't be happy. Yes, we all have life issues we deal with, but generally we do our best to slap a smile on our face and get through the tough times. There are certain circumstances that make us fall into a hole of nothing but blackness, but speaking from experience, it's noway to live life. When I was depressed last year, it took me awhile to get out of it. Once I opened up my heart and mind to my family and friends, I was able to come out of it pretty quickly. That's not to say it was easy or a walk in the park, it was hard and it royally sucked! Even while I was in the midst of my depression, never had it occurred to me I could blame someone else for my problems. Wasn't even aware that was an option!

I don't say this to brag about my awesomeness or to say "if you just do as I do, you'll be oh so happy!" I say it because I know someone who I swear loves to live her life in a constant state of pity. She'll say things like "I have no friends. People only call me when they need something. never to just hang out". She'll blame others for things or put herself into situations that she KNOWS will make her life miserable. She never says no to anyone, despite not wanting to do the favor. She really is a piece of work. I can't figure out if she has this view on life because of her age or just who she is. I try to reason her attitude with all sorts of things while I try to help her out. The problem with trying to help her out is that it drains me. Not to mention she doesn't want my help, she just wants to whine and complain. I swear it's what feeds her. She makes horrible choices but will not take responsibility for them.

I've tried many times to talk her though bad relationships and reason with her about things, but nope it doesn't work. Now I just let her do her thing and move on. Yesterday she was upset because she had no friends and nobody would answer her calls or text messages. When she told me that her cousin's wife told her "we're going to spend some time together, it's been a really long time since we've gotten to spend any amount of time together", she got pissed off! She said she is starting to dislike her cousin's wife for this reason. I tried to tell her that they're newly married and it's hard being married to someone in the military, give them some time. Didn't work. When she was complaining about not having friends, I suggested she find different friends. Friends that aren't ALL about going to the bar and getting shit faced, nope, didn't work either. She actually told me "would you just let me whine and feel sorry for me?!" ".....*blink blink* ummm k?" So I did just that, didn't make her feel any better but it wasn't my problem anymore since she made it very clear to me that she isn't wanting to fix her problems, she just wants to whine about them.

This combined with the revelation I had about leading by example lead me to the conclusion that some people just like to wallow in their gunk. I will not feel guilty for staying positive and not allowing negativity to taint my life. I've done my time in the depression hole and I like things out of the hole MUCH better. I can NOT and will not go down that road again. Selfish? Perhaps some will view it as such, but my choice all the same.

This does not mean I won't give advice or help a sister out when she needs it, because I totally will. I'm patient and I love deeply and will do everything in my power to make one feel better, but there comes a time when I hear myself saying the same things over and over again to the same person. When this happens, it means it's time for me to move on. Not cut that person out of my life, but direct my energies elsewhere.

Leading by Example

Things are changing rapidly around here. Not only because there is a big move in our future, but also because that's what life does, it changes.

Nae will be 13 Monday (tomorrow) and we are all very excited about this. Her more than us, but lots of excitement nonetheless. We already got her an early birthday present, but tomorrow will be a "Nae day". We will be having breakfast for dinner, as per her request and I'm going to attempt to make a rainbow cake. Hopefully the cake looks and tastes fantastic. If not, I know it'll at least taste fine. Lots of fun self gratifying for a 13 year old, for sure.

As she gets older, I'm finding that me telling her what to do, how to act, etc isn't enough, I must show her by my actions as well. This was proved by our conversation about her eating habits the other day. I've told her many times about my history with poor eating habits and how it isn't safe, but clearly that wasn't enough. I'm not TOO worried about her eating as I've seen her eat many times since our conversation, but I am still concerned with her way of thinking. I decided that I am going to make some changes in the hopes that she will see and follow suit or at the very least change the way she is or was thinking. I don't want her to ever think she is less than beautiful. Obviously there will be days when she won't feel beautiful, but I want to give her a good solid foundation. I also want her to know how important it is to get an education. She is a great student and has never gotten anything lower than a B and has always made the honor roll, but I still want her to realize it is very important.

Me going to school and getting great grades is a huge factor in showing her how important school is. Yes, I went back to school late, but I am going and she sees that. She also sees me doing my homework, as well as Dirty and I switching rolls in our home. She knows a woman can stay at home if she chooses to and she knows that a man can do the same. Zilla sees this too, but ummm he isn't quite getting it just yet.

I also want to her to know that the way she carries herself and the way she speaks is important. I have always loved words. I love to listen to my dad and his side of the family speak Dutch and Indonesian because it's just so beautiful to me. I also love that my dad made a point to teach my sister and myself how to speak properly even though English wasn't his first, or even third language. Speaking properly and with respect was always a must when we were growing up. I always felt that my vocabulary wasn't all that vast nor great. I feel that me saying certain words, no matter how much I love them, sound so phony coming out of my mouth. That is no longer the case. I have found myself using words I normally wouldn't use and the kids are picking up on this. Today I used "proper" and "improper" and both the kids used them correctly a few times! I was so proud of them and myself. Obviously those aren't big words, but they aren't words I've heard 13 or 6 year old use. Proof that showing by example is working better than just talking to her, or them. I always knew that I needed to lead by example, but now it is VERY important.

I need to show Nae that I am happy with my body, but if there are improvements to be made, I will do them in a healthy way. Since I hurt my hand in January, I have gained probably about 10 pounds and I am unhappy with my body. I don't mind the weight so much, I do mind the lack of tone I have. I know it's from months of sitting on the couch and not being able to do much. Added in the fact that it rains here like non stop and school, I just didn't have time. Now that i see how my behavior has effect Nae, I have decided to do something about it. I have deiced I am going to track my caloric intake, but in a healthy way. I am not limiting myself to low calorie foods only, but I will be accountable for what I put in my body. I have control of what foods I put into my body and what foods are better for me than others. I am also becoming more active. last weekend Nae and I went on a walk to get our hair done and today the kids and I went on a LONG walk to get some ice cream. We walked probably about 4 miles total, and we had a blast. Neither of them whined about the distance, either!

I'm hopeful that these changes I'm making will impact her life, as well as mine in a positive way. I hope that I'm not sending her the wrong message, but showing her how to take your health into your own hands. I also intend to make them and her, more accountable for things around the house. No more leaving backpacks and shoe lying around the house for me to pick up. It is time for them to be responsible for their belongings and their surroundings. I know these changes won't be easy, but when is change EVER easy?