Still Here and Still Crazy

So...I've had the urge to blog for awhile now, but whenever I sit down to actually type out a post, my brain goes crazy. There was SO much going on the past few months that it feels like I am running on place, getting exhausted and getting NOWHERE.

The situation with Nae got WAY worse and is now (I think) getting better. About a week after Christmas, she decided to go over to her boyfriend's house with her friend, she neglected to tell us that part. We found out where she was and when she got home there was a HUGE blow up between her Dirty and myself. We followed through with her punishment as we had stated when she got into trouble the first time. Well, the LAST time, not the first time. I wish! She had to take EVERYTHING off her walls, hand over her phone, iPod, and anything else that was considered a luxury. We also took the door off her room, which may sound a bit harsh but we couldn't trust her to not be watched ALL the time. As we were in the midst of telling her what we wanted her to do, there was a lot of yelling and her saying how unfair her life is. Dirty and I were up until 2 AM talking, crying and thinking. We found out a lot of things one never wants to find out about their child. She was smoking pot, skipping school AND taking pictures and posting them online of all these activities. We shut down her Facebook acct, Twitter, emails, and Tumblr accounts. That wasn't the worst of it. We woke up the next morning and Nae had run away. We assumed she was at her boyfriend's house but wasn't sure. So we went down to the police station and filed a runaway report. We had to give them a recent photo of her and fill out paper work stating that if she wasn't found within 24 hours, we would have to bring down a sample of her hair for DNA and they needed her dentist's number for dental records. All very scary and I wasn't handling it well.

The police ended up finding her at her boyfriend's house in car because they were on their way to the mall in a different town. If that had happened? We wouldn't have found her for at least a day. I told Dirty if that would have happened, he was going to have to medicate me, 3 hours was bad enough, I can't imagine have to go OVERNIGHT not knowing where she was or what she was doing.

So now, she's grounded, still. She is earning her privileges and our trust back slowly, but I don't know how long that is going to take. We've talked about family counseling, but I still just don't know. honestly, I'm a little shocked and have no idea what to do about it. She does seem better now, but she only gets out of the house when she goes to school. She really has no time to do the activities she was doing before.

Part of me feels like a failure for allowing her to get this far away. I know that teenagers are jerks and will do whatever they want and that their brain hasn't fully developed which leads to impulsive behavior and rash decision making. Knowing all of that doesn't really make me feel any better, though.

Aside from the teenage drama issues, Dirty has a few issues of his own and I am drained! I am finding myself bitter toward him even though I know his issues are chemical (anxiety) and he is trying to overcome them. I am just tired of feeling like I am carrying this family. I don't know if I ACTUALLY am, but it sure as hell feels like it. Sometimes, I just want to run away. Not the most mature idea I've ever had, but it is the truth. I won't run away though, not yet anyway.

I'm going to do my best to blog more regularly in the hopes that, that will help me feel less alone.