Jan 31, 2011

God, This Sucks and An AWARD!!!!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess

First, good news! Kimbosue gave me an award! How sweet is THAT?! Thanks, hon!

Here's the deets, yo:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

Hmmm 7 things...pretty sure y'all know everything about me, but it's been awhile so let's do THIS!
1) I am doing HORRIBLY at math this term. Seriously. Karma is a bitch. It's what I get for being so damn cocky in my other math classes *sigh*

2) I am least talented person I know. I can't sing, can't draw, can barley cook, can sorta dance. The "talent" gene that EVERYONE else in my family has, skipped me.

3) This thing with Nae is really killing me.

4) Zilla slept in my bed last night because he had a bad dream and when I went to wake him up for school this morning, I got all choked up. I am too damn emotional right now.

5) Have a class of death, dying and transition on Fridays is SUCH a buzz kill!

6) My ethics class is my FAVORITE class! I often take the least popular side of the argument just to be a shit. So much fun!

7) I'm a texting whore! I literally text Danielle all day long just about every day. She says she loves it, but I'm not so sure ;)

Now 15 (!) bloggers to pass this on to. How about we just pass it on to a "few" bloggers. I think 15 is a bit too many.

Danielle because she puts up with my insane amount of texts and dramatics. Love ya girl!

The fabulous and beautiful Miss Ruby! You should go check out her blog, she just revamped it and it looks AMAZING!

The funny Sass and not ONLY because she's wearing hammer pants but also because she's my slutty wifey <3

Jamie because she needs a little pick me up right now.

Jules because she NEEDS a reason to blog, clearly! And since I've had a few posts in a row, I can nag her.

We Have Angel Wings because she didn't get to see her little one today because she was released from her RE to her OB! Great news, but she obviously wants to see her little bun. 

OK, 6 will do! If you want to do this, JUST DO IT! Let me know so I can pop on over and read what ya got.

Alright now to the "God, this sucks" portion of this post. My weekend was full of tears, texting friends, talking to anyone that would listen and getting a lot of great advice and support about Nae. I know she's 13 and all of this is going to happen, but I feel like she's going down a path she isn't ready for. I have never had a problem with her having friends that are boys, but if she's willing to lie to us to go over to a boy's house? That's sending up HUGE red flags in my mommy brain. We never checked up on her before because we never had a reason too. Of course there was meeting parents before she'd stay the night at a friend's house, but she had a lot of freedoms. I never went through her messages or emails, I never wanted to actually. More importantly, I felt like I didn't HAVE too. I trusted her. I've had many conversations with her about language, about sex, about EVERYTHING! I also know that the things kids are doing these days are A LOT different than when I was her age, but that doesn't mean it's still OK!

I went through her messages last night and it sucked SO much! I did not want to do it at all! I knew I had too, but that didn't mean I liked it. I felt like I was going through her diary, it was awful. Her and I had a talk after and I was very calm despite finding out some things that were a bit disturbing. There were a lot of tears on her part and lots of loving words coming from me. She, of course, has body image issues. I told her that it is normal to feel this way and validated her feelings while telling her how much I loved her. I don't think I'm being a "softy", I do think this is a tricky place to be in our relationship and the way these conversations go could effect our future relationship, so I'm trying to be stern, yet showering her with love. I'm honest with her about her punishment by telling her she's going to be grounded for awhile but also telling her that we can fix this but it is up to her. She lost our trust and it's going to take a long time to get that back. I really do not think she understands the impact of her choices yet. I don't even know if she should at 13. All I know is that this is a BIG deal and I do feel we're dealing with it appropriately, even though she might disagree.

I also think I may be over reacting a touch. I know I am taking it WAY too personally and I shouldn't, but I can't help it. A friend told me yesterday this "she's lying because she knows what she's doing is wrong. You're a good mama!" That made me feel better because I feel like SUCH a failure. I feel like I've done everything "right" and I think that's why this came as such a shock. I am questioning everything I'm doing. Am I going out too much? Should I quit school? Does she need me more? Am I being to easy on her? Where did I go wrong?! Am I setting a bad example for her by having a glass of wine? These thoughts are killing me! I just don't know what to do, or even if there is ANYTHING I can do! I'm staying strong, when she's around. When she isn't, I'm a mess of these awful swirling thoughts and worry.

If anyone has any advice or words of encouragement, I'll gladly take them! Personal experience from when you were young, something a friend went through and how it was dealt with, ANYTHING, I'm seriously at a loss. All I ask is that you PLEASE don't attack my mothering, I feel enough of a failure as it is. Thank you!

6 friends have commented:

kimbosue on January 31, 2011 at 11:31 AM said...

Sounds like me and my parents when I was that age and older. I lied about everything because I knew it was things they wouldn't approve of if I just asked. Apparently had I asked, they would have said yes (or so they said). Good luck to you!

And you're welcome for the award!

Danielle on January 31, 2011 at 12:27 PM said...

Thanks honey! And I'm serious when I say I love your texts!!!

You are an AMAZING mother! Teenagers will test their limits and like I've already told you, you and Dirty just have to make sure she's aware of the consequences!

I know when I was young I was TERRIFIED of my mother. I didn't get in trouble because I was afraid of her! No, we didn't have the best relationship when I was young, but now that I'm an adult we are best friends!

You know how to balance being her mother and being her friend. I agree that showering her with love is necessary! But if it happens again, be prepared to be a little more aggressive!!

Love you TONS!!!!

Jamie on January 31, 2011 at 5:16 PM said...

First - thanks for the award!! MUAH!!

I don't have any 'mother' experience in this area (but I'll be coming to you for that in 12 years!) but without a doubt I can definitely say that 14 was my worst year. Body image, boys, friends that turned out not to be friends, thought my parents hated me, thought my teachers hated me. If I could erase any year from my life it would be 14. And now I adore my Mom. Above all things, remember this is a phase.

One of the many difficult things about parenting, it trying to do it in this day and age. When I was younger, there were no such thing as cell phones (and cell cameras! Thank God!!), texting, FB, internet, etc, etc. It makes keeping track of your kid and what their up to EXTREMELY difficult. Hell, I haven't even been able to control my husband.

I don't think your being too soft. This is a hard, hard, hard age for girls. But DO keep nosing around a little. You've got to try to keep one step ahead of her in case she makes a mistake that can't be taken back.

CanadianMama on January 31, 2011 at 5:40 PM said...

Oh gosh, how could anyone attack your mothering! The thing is you are doing everything right. Nae has to go through this in order to know what is right and wrong. Just like we put a two year old in time out for hitting - this is the equilivent for a teen. It's her job right now to test the limits and to try to get away with things. It's your job to set boundaries and consequences when she crosses them!

I know, so easy to say right!! But you ARE doing the right things. You are telling her you love her but what she is doing is not okay. She will figure it out - promise!

Love ya so much!!

like.thunder on February 1, 2011 at 7:21 PM said...

I don't think you should quit school at all! When I was 13, I would pretty much spend all my time alone in my room talking on the phone, doing homework. My mom was always at home and she didn't bug me too much, and I'm thankful for that.

Don't dare think that you're a failure!! You have to consider how messed up some kids already are at 13. Some moms don't put any effort into raising their children at all! It sounds to me like you're putting your all into raising Nae properly and it'll pay off :)

Quiet Dreams on February 10, 2011 at 10:58 AM said...

You are definitely NOT a failure. Developmentally, Nae is at a stage where she is trying so hard to figure out who she is and how she fits with the rest of the world. It sounds like you are doing a good job. You will get through this time!

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