She Did it AGAIN!

This child! She is going to give me a heart attack, I swear! She ran away again on Saturday. I was at my friend's house, taking a 2 hour break. I was only gone for 2 hours! She told her dad she was doing laundry, which I had told her to do while I was gone. So it wasn't suspicious that she went downstairs. She wrote a note and bolted. We didn't realize she was gone for about 3 hours. She had made her bed so that it looked like she was still sleeping in it. She had been pouting and sleeping since we brought her home Friday. When I went in there to tell her dinner was ready, I realized she was gone. Dirty and I went back down to the police station and filed ANOTHER runaway report. The officer was very kind and said he wouldn't put her into the computer as a runaway until he checked out her boyfriend's house. We drive around a bit, Dirty dropped me off at home so to make sure Zilla didn't know what was going on and to give my dad an update. Dirty went over to the boyfriend's house and waited for the police instead of running into their house and scaring them away. Nothing, she wasn't there and his mother didn't know where he was either. At this point, we're positive their together, but aren't sure where they could be. We tried to get some sleep and when we woke up we started the whole thing over again. Instead of alerting her friends, I contacted every adult I knew. I told them all that Nae had runaway again and to either call me or the cops if she is seen. I even sent out a mass FB message with her photo attached to anyone that lives in town. I figured the more adults that knew, the better our chances of finding her.

The boyfriend's mom stopped by with Nae's things. She was over there Thursday AND Saturday but the mom didn't know she was a runaway so she didn't think anything of it. After the police talked to her, she went up to his room and found a drawer of Nae's stuff and then went driving around looking for them but didn't find them. She did tell me that they might be hanging out with another boy that drives and gave me his name and description of his vehicle. As soon as she left, I called the police and told them I had new information. Dirty Googled that kid and found his parents' names and address and then got in the car and drove over there. Nobody was home so he talked to a neighbor, told him what was going on and asked him to give our number to the father and have him call us.

On Dirty's way home, he drove by a park and there she was! He blocked her in so she couldn't run and she willingly got into the car. He told the children she was with that Nae was a runaway and if they help her runaway again or hang out with her knowing she had run away, he will sue their parents for custodial interference. Of course, the children don't know the laws and what custodial interference is and that we can't ACTUALLY sue their parents, but whatever keeps Nae out of trouble!

She walked in the door crying and gave me a hug. I bawled like a baby just SO happy to have her back. Then after about 15 minutes I was PISSED! I asked her why she kept doing this and why she thinks her life is so bad that she needs to run away. She didn't have any answers for me. Then I said "there are children out there who get beat and raped by their parents, THOSE kids deserve to run away. There are children who don't know where their next meal is coming from, not just that they want Mac and Cheese instead of chicken enchiladas for dinner. THOSE kids deserve to run away. You have two parents that love and care for you, yet you choose to run away. Hell, I don't even have a mom and you're treating me like shit! This has got to stop! We need to figure out what the hell is going on with you!" Low blow, but she needs to see what this is doing to us. It isn't just about her and how "unfair her life is", she is doing this to ALL of us. She cried harder and kept apologizing, but I just don't know. I do think she was remorseful and I do think she feels bad for making us worry, but I still don't think she gets it. In the end she is still a teenager and thinks everyone is out to get her.

As of right now, she is home. Her attitude has been pleasant the past few days, so that's a plus. She isn't getting much freedoms, well NO freedoms. We gave her the choice to go to school this week to take her finals WITH me tagging along or have us reschedule them for after school where she can be monitored by someone who knows what is going on and myself. She chose the latter of the two.

So we will see, I guess. This is going to be a long road to rebuild but I'm hopeful that we're in the rebuilding process. I still won't give her much room to prove me wrong. I still can't and don't trust her. The trust won't be there for awhile.....

Where Did I Go Wrong?

We were happily chugging along in life. There were some trials and quite a few bumps but I felt we did a good job of navigating our family through all of them. I emailed teachers, talked to parents, talked to her, told her our reason for punishment and praised her when she was doing good. I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought I was raising a daughter who would eventually make the right decisions and get back on the right track. There was yelling, but no physical punishment (no matter how much my hand was itching to make contact with her cheek), I knew it would do no good to lay my hands on her. Once the heat of the moment passed, we all took deep breaths and talked as calmly as possible. We wiped the slate clean, the past was the past. We accepted her boyfriend, despite not liking him. We went to bat for her at school and in the courtroom. We didn't make excuses for her actions or her behavior, but we as her parents stepped up to the plate. All this while I'm trying to graduate from college. Have you ever had to schedule a final around your daughter's court date? It isn't easy, I don't recommend it. The shit storm of having a rebellious teenager died down and she was polite, fun to be around, helpful, got her grades back up, and was generally being a NICE person. I actually enjoyed being around her and wanted to spend time with her. We were getting good reports from her teachers, not just about her grades but about her attitude. She was being respectful and kind to her teachers. "We have turned a corner! She is doing so well. That was a shitty year, hopefully Zilla learns from this and won't put us through this." That's what we thought, we were high fiving each other and commending our parenting skills because clearly we rock. Then Thursday June 7 happened. There was a period of 26 hours that I didn't know where my daughter was. My 15 year old daughter was not home, nor did I know where she was when I went to sleep that night.

I filed a runaway report that night, I knocked on her boyfriend's door, I had the police call his mother, I called and sent a text every single one of her friends trying to get ANY information as to where my daughter was. I woke up the next morning and started calling people and schools right away. I was in contact with her boyfriend all day and he told me he didn't know where she was, yet I'm being told by a few different sources that she IS with him. I went back to his house and his older sister tells me she has no idea where my daughter is. I resorted to telling them that she is a missing child at this point and there is an Amber Alert out for her. Yep. I lied to get that damn kid to tell me where my kid was. This whole time, we never heard from the boyfriend's mother. WTF?! Where is she?! Why isn't she answering her door and her phone at 11 PM and if my daughter is in her house, why does she think I would be OK with this?!

Finally at noon, on Friday, I found her. It was pure luck that I did find her, but she was safe. Pissed off at the world, but safe. The officer came and she got cited with a few things, but that really isn't on my top priority list of worries right now. My biggest worry is how do I get through her?! How do I tell her that I am not against her? I am not the enemy here, I am WITH her! I want her happy, I want her to have friends, I want her to do stupid teenage things (not illegal) and have stupid stories to tell when she gets older. I do not want her to run away, nor do I want her to die. I want her safe, healthy and happy, clearly that is too much to ask at the moment.

Where did I go wrong? Was I too overprotective? Did I not give her enough space to learn to do things on her own? I thought I was doing all the right things, how how wrong I was.

Still Here and Still Crazy

So...I've had the urge to blog for awhile now, but whenever I sit down to actually type out a post, my brain goes crazy. There was SO much going on the past few months that it feels like I am running on place, getting exhausted and getting NOWHERE.

The situation with Nae got WAY worse and is now (I think) getting better. About a week after Christmas, she decided to go over to her boyfriend's house with her friend, she neglected to tell us that part. We found out where she was and when she got home there was a HUGE blow up between her Dirty and myself. We followed through with her punishment as we had stated when she got into trouble the first time. Well, the LAST time, not the first time. I wish! She had to take EVERYTHING off her walls, hand over her phone, iPod, and anything else that was considered a luxury. We also took the door off her room, which may sound a bit harsh but we couldn't trust her to not be watched ALL the time. As we were in the midst of telling her what we wanted her to do, there was a lot of yelling and her saying how unfair her life is. Dirty and I were up until 2 AM talking, crying and thinking. We found out a lot of things one never wants to find out about their child. She was smoking pot, skipping school AND taking pictures and posting them online of all these activities. We shut down her Facebook acct, Twitter, emails, and Tumblr accounts. That wasn't the worst of it. We woke up the next morning and Nae had run away. We assumed she was at her boyfriend's house but wasn't sure. So we went down to the police station and filed a runaway report. We had to give them a recent photo of her and fill out paper work stating that if she wasn't found within 24 hours, we would have to bring down a sample of her hair for DNA and they needed her dentist's number for dental records. All very scary and I wasn't handling it well.

The police ended up finding her at her boyfriend's house in car because they were on their way to the mall in a different town. If that had happened? We wouldn't have found her for at least a day. I told Dirty if that would have happened, he was going to have to medicate me, 3 hours was bad enough, I can't imagine have to go OVERNIGHT not knowing where she was or what she was doing.

So now, she's grounded, still. She is earning her privileges and our trust back slowly, but I don't know how long that is going to take. We've talked about family counseling, but I still just don't know. honestly, I'm a little shocked and have no idea what to do about it. She does seem better now, but she only gets out of the house when she goes to school. She really has no time to do the activities she was doing before.

Part of me feels like a failure for allowing her to get this far away. I know that teenagers are jerks and will do whatever they want and that their brain hasn't fully developed which leads to impulsive behavior and rash decision making. Knowing all of that doesn't really make me feel any better, though.

Aside from the teenage drama issues, Dirty has a few issues of his own and I am drained! I am finding myself bitter toward him even though I know his issues are chemical (anxiety) and he is trying to overcome them. I am just tired of feeling like I am carrying this family. I don't know if I ACTUALLY am, but it sure as hell feels like it. Sometimes, I just want to run away. Not the most mature idea I've ever had, but it is the truth. I won't run away though, not yet anyway.

I'm going to do my best to blog more regularly in the hopes that, that will help me feel less alone.

TOO MUCH!

I can't even begin to tell you how much is going on! I seriously long for the days when it was just school that was hard. Throw in some teenager antics and life, I feel like, is nearly impossible to handle.

Yeah math is hard. Yeah chemistry is hard. Yeah it has been difficult to balance everything, but I would MUCH rather try to balance school and normal home life.

It all started the last week in September. I got a call from the school saying there was an altercation with Nae and another student and I needed to come get her and talk to the vice principal. Dirty and I jump into the car, totally shocked that Nae had gotten into a fight. Once we got all the details, it turned out that Nae had defended herself. Granted, she didn't do it in a timely manner and instead of standing up for herself IN the moment, she waited until lunch. We have always taught her to defend herself, we never made it clear to do it AT the time. She knows now, as does Zilla. So, she was suspended for a FULL week because of the aggressiveness of her actions and the other girl was "only" suspended for 3 days. We felt grounding her wasn't the way to go so we gave her many talks and went about our business. Her nose was pretty swollen and by Monday when the swelling had gone down, we noticed it was crooked. Dirty took her to the hospital while I went to class. Sure enough, it was fractured. SON OF A BITCH! And of course, the only ENT in our network was out until November and we needed to get her nose fixed BY the 10 day park of the injury, otherwise she would have needed a FULL rhinoplasty. I take her to the only ENT in our area and he suggested surgery. It is only called "surgery" because she was going to have to be put under and it will be done in an actual operating room. This was all on a Wednesday. The surgery/procedure had to happen BY Monday, otherwise, real surgery was going to be the only way to fix it. Of course, our insurance didn't feel the need to jump right on the request to have an out of network doctor do something, that would have made things far too easy. Friday afternoon/early evening, I FINALLY got the call that everything was a go. Thank you universe! Monday we all wake up at the ass crack of dawn and drive to the hospital, get her nose fixed and then go home. She missed the next week of school because her nose was so fragile and if she got bumped again, her nose could cave and obviously we didn't want that. So, that's 2 weeks off of school, so far. She was doing her homework and I was in contact with her teachers the whole time.

The Monday she goes back to school, she goes to hang out with her friends and I get a phone call from the kid's mom saying the 2 were involved in a car accident!!!! Nae is fine and her son probably has a broken hand. We go to the hospital AGAIN to pick her up and find out what the fuck was going on. I wasn't aware she was in a vehicle with this kid, not only was she NOT suppose to be in his car but she told me he had fell and broke his hand that way, via text messages. I was pissed, Dirty was angry but chalked it up to her being a teenager. His way of thinking was that when he acted up as a teenager, he got all his freedoms and EVERYTHING taken away and it didn't matter, he just got more angry and acted out more. I never did this kind of shit as a teenager, so I was allowing him to make the final decision on punishment. Ahhh so cute how naive I was! So, instead of grounding her for the rest of her life, we decided to go with the "you almost DIED today" route. Which is true, I saw the condition of the vehicle after the accident and had there not been airbags, I would be telling a COMPLETELY different story. That is a very scary thought! And on that hasn't been far from my mind since I got the phone call. So yeah....scary.

We kept her home from school on Tuesday because she was pretty sore and banged up from the accident. therefore, she wasn't able to get into any trouble on Tuesday. Wednesday, we found out that on Monday, she wasn't just late to class, but she ended up missing the last 2 periods AND is failing one of her classes. I try to direct Dirty on how to approach this, but he's just so convinced that "coming down hard" on her wasn't the right way to go. I'm telling him "we've given her a lot of freedoms and I think we need to reign her in". He keeps going to the whole "if my parents had just talked to me instead of punished me and took away all my shit, I think it would have been better", finally I have to blurt out that our daughter is having sex and is not making good choices right now. He proceeds to freak the hell out, rightly so and wants to ground her for the rest of her life. I try to tell him that we can't ground her for having sex, but we do need to get her back on the right track. She gets home and we all talk and she gets lectured for 2 hours, informed that she is grounded and she isn't allowed to leave the house unless she's going to school. Her friends were allowed to come over to help her finish up any homework they are doing together, but they do not leave the house. We also informed her how close she came to dying, we even brought up the guilt factor and asked Zilla what he was thinking when we had to run to the hospital to get her. He cried and said 'Nae I was so scared, I thought you died, please don't die!" SOOOO sad! She cried harder and they hugged, it was cute and sweet. The rest of our evening went on, we were a happy little family and Dirty and I are patting each other on the backs for such great parenting. But...no.

Thursday one of my friends saw Nae walking home from school SMOKING a cigarette! She and her friend get home and I ask them what they were doing on their way home, I gave Nae every opportunity to come clean, she didn't. She gave me some bull shit story. I asked my friend if that's what she could've seen, hoping SO hard it was. It wasn't, apparently Nae had been smoking for a full block, so her story of "I was just holding it for so and so" was not true. Weird, I know. So after getting the real story from my friend, we confront Nae again and she comes clean. Pissed off once again. She got ALL her stuff taken away. No TV, no cell phone, no stereo, and no PS2...its all gone! She also has to ride the bus to and from school, no hanging out after school with her friends. Last weekend was the first weekend of her sentence and it was hard. It sucked for everyone. I don't like being mean and neither does Dirty, no matter how much we know it's for her own good. It still sucks!

Now, we just don't know what to do. We can't ground her forever, although that does sound pretty sweet, but there is going to come a time when we have to allow her to make her own decisions, no matter how stupid they are. We haven't even reached the one week mark and Dirty wants to cave. Thankfully we both want to cave at different points, so hopefully, there's no chance of caving. I just don't know exactly how to go about this. I'm not the great parent I was, I feel like an idiot now. I'm embarrassed, disappointed and pissed off! If only I knew for sure she had learned her lesson. If only.....

Its Been Awhile....

So...hello there! Clearly I've been super busy. I had math last term, as many of you know, and while I worked my ass OFF, it didn't end well. I didn't fail it, which is good, but I didn't get a C either. I got a D..OUCH! Apparently trig isn't my thing. I even asked and begged for help, but for some reason I was behind in the understanding from day one. The good thing is that when I retake it, it'll be mostly a review. Hopefully the second time around, I'll be able to pick things a bit easier and quicker. This term isn't as busy but still busy. I'm taking a technical writing class, which I love but it's tough! We have a research paper due at the end of term that's going to be about 10 pages long, SINGLE spaced. ACK! Of course I picked a difficult and controversial topic, embryo donation, but so far, I've gotten quite a bit of information. We'll see how all this pans out. I'm hoping for an A in the class and if I keep up the work I've been doing, I'll do just that.

The kiddos are doing well, too. Nae has been ungrounded for over a month now and not once has she screwed up! I'm really hoping that she learned her lesson and realized how stupid she was acting. I highly doubt we're at the end of all the insanity, but I know we can get through anything. Zilla is just as crazy as he's always been. That kid's energy level is through the roof! He also has a bit of an attitude, that I am consistently adjusting for him. I'm told this is normal, I have my doubts. Personally, I think he's trying to drive me crazy, but that's just me.

And NOW for the heavy shit. I'm pretty sure my dad has a girlfriend or something. Not sure what to call her because I think it's mostly online and phone calls. I don't know how they "met" or anything like that. I do know that they have talked on the phone a few times and post things on Facebook that make me want to throw up and scream. It sounds silly, me overacting over an "online" thing, but this is all new for me. I don't know how to act or if I have any reason to act a certain way. I haven't talked to him because I don't know what to say and I don't really want to talk to him about this. He deserves to me happy and if he is, that's great! I'll get over it, I'm sure, even if it turns out to be "something".

Right now, I'm just trying to be honest with my emotions and with myself. Ahhh how I love these little doses of reality.

Short but sweet post for now.

Dear Nae

Things are SO much better. Thank you for all of your advice and kind words. I'm still pretty confused and scared for Nae but overall things are tons better. I want to write her a letter to get it out of my head and then MOVE ON! I feel like I'm dragging this out and we ALL (especially me) need to move on.

Dear Nae,
Hey sweetie, I know 13 is a rough age, hell ALL ages are, but I can respect that this particular time in your life is pretty rough on you. I get that you are confused about EVERYTHING and you just don't understand why we won't let you do certain things while your other friends' parents let them. Yes, we're more strict, but believe me when I say "it's for your own good". It's not just something stupid us parents or adults say. It is the truth. I want you to fly, baby, I really do, but I want you to be safe! That has always been my goal in life, to make sure you are safe. I can't even begin tell you how much I love you and how much you've changed my life in the 13 years you've been in it.

It kills me that I have to let go and let you learn these lessons, but I know I have too. I know in the end you will be a beautiful (inside and out) woman, but right now, I need you to be kind to yourself. Please, be nice to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a friend. When those nasty thoughts pop into your head about your thighs, tell them to go away. When you feel like running away, remember it IS ok to feel that way, we all do, but it's all temporary. Remember when a boy says "don't you love me?" that love isn't conditional. Love is given freely and opening. It's not a bargaining chip to use to get what you want.

Renee, my beautiful mini me. You are perfect just the way you are! Nothing will ever change how I feel about you. I know this crap we're going through won't be the last time, but I have faith in our family, that we'll get through this. On the other side is a different relationship, it'll be a more even one. One where I'm not telling you what to do all the time. One where we will be more equal. I can't wait to share that with you. I can't wait to share the rest of your life with you.

I love you! Pink says it way better than I ever could...this is for you, love.

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that..?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby..!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less thank f*kin' perfect,
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're perfect to me...

Love,
Mommy
P.S. The part about beer doesn't apply ;o)

God, This Sucks and An AWARD!!!!

First, good news! Kimbosue gave me an award! How sweet is THAT?! Thanks, hon!

Here's the deets, yo:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

Hmmm 7 things...pretty sure y'all know everything about me, but it's been awhile so let's do THIS!
1) I am doing HORRIBLY at math this term. Seriously. Karma is a bitch. It's what I get for being so damn cocky in my other math classes *sigh*

2) I am least talented person I know. I can't sing, can't draw, can barley cook, can sorta dance. The "talent" gene that EVERYONE else in my family has, skipped me.

3) This thing with Nae is really killing me.

4) Zilla slept in my bed last night because he had a bad dream and when I went to wake him up for school this morning, I got all choked up. I am too damn emotional right now.

5) Have a class of death, dying and transition on Fridays is SUCH a buzz kill!

6) My ethics class is my FAVORITE class! I often take the least popular side of the argument just to be a shit. So much fun!

7) I'm a texting whore! I literally text Danielle all day long just about every day. She says she loves it, but I'm not so sure ;)

Now 15 (!) bloggers to pass this on to. How about we just pass it on to a "few" bloggers. I think 15 is a bit too many.

Danielle because she puts up with my insane amount of texts and dramatics. Love ya girl!

The fabulous and beautiful Miss Ruby! You should go check out her blog, she just revamped it and it looks AMAZING!

The funny Sass and not ONLY because she's wearing hammer pants but also because she's my slutty wifey <3

Jamie because she needs a little pick me up right now.

Jules because she NEEDS a reason to blog, clearly! And since I've had a few posts in a row, I can nag her.

We Have Angel Wings because she didn't get to see her little one today because she was released from her RE to her OB! Great news, but she obviously wants to see her little bun. 

OK, 6 will do! If you want to do this, JUST DO IT! Let me know so I can pop on over and read what ya got.

Alright now to the "God, this sucks" portion of this post. My weekend was full of tears, texting friends, talking to anyone that would listen and getting a lot of great advice and support about Nae. I know she's 13 and all of this is going to happen, but I feel like she's going down a path she isn't ready for. I have never had a problem with her having friends that are boys, but if she's willing to lie to us to go over to a boy's house? That's sending up HUGE red flags in my mommy brain. We never checked up on her before because we never had a reason too. Of course there was meeting parents before she'd stay the night at a friend's house, but she had a lot of freedoms. I never went through her messages or emails, I never wanted to actually. More importantly, I felt like I didn't HAVE too. I trusted her. I've had many conversations with her about language, about sex, about EVERYTHING! I also know that the things kids are doing these days are A LOT different than when I was her age, but that doesn't mean it's still OK!

I went through her messages last night and it sucked SO much! I did not want to do it at all! I knew I had too, but that didn't mean I liked it. I felt like I was going through her diary, it was awful. Her and I had a talk after and I was very calm despite finding out some things that were a bit disturbing. There were a lot of tears on her part and lots of loving words coming from me. She, of course, has body image issues. I told her that it is normal to feel this way and validated her feelings while telling her how much I loved her. I don't think I'm being a "softy", I do think this is a tricky place to be in our relationship and the way these conversations go could effect our future relationship, so I'm trying to be stern, yet showering her with love. I'm honest with her about her punishment by telling her she's going to be grounded for awhile but also telling her that we can fix this but it is up to her. She lost our trust and it's going to take a long time to get that back. I really do not think she understands the impact of her choices yet. I don't even know if she should at 13. All I know is that this is a BIG deal and I do feel we're dealing with it appropriately, even though she might disagree.

I also think I may be over reacting a touch. I know I am taking it WAY too personally and I shouldn't, but I can't help it. A friend told me yesterday this "she's lying because she knows what she's doing is wrong. You're a good mama!" That made me feel better because I feel like SUCH a failure. I feel like I've done everything "right" and I think that's why this came as such a shock. I am questioning everything I'm doing. Am I going out too much? Should I quit school? Does she need me more? Am I being to easy on her? Where did I go wrong?! Am I setting a bad example for her by having a glass of wine? These thoughts are killing me! I just don't know what to do, or even if there is ANYTHING I can do! I'm staying strong, when she's around. When she isn't, I'm a mess of these awful swirling thoughts and worry.

If anyone has any advice or words of encouragement, I'll gladly take them! Personal experience from when you were young, something a friend went through and how it was dealt with, ANYTHING, I'm seriously at a loss. All I ask is that you PLEASE don't attack my mothering, I feel enough of a failure as it is. Thank you!

What Happens Now?

Nae has turned into a full fledged teenager and I am so upset, crushed, hurt, and scared.

She lied to us yesterday.

She was ungrounded for exactly 5 days. What. The. Hell?!

She wanted to go over to her friend's house and told Dirty that her friend's step-mom was home and his dad was going to be home around 1:00. Dirty thought it was a little strange that she made a point of telling him that her friend's dad is going to be home at 1:00. (Side note: this is a boy, yes but not a boy friend. She's been friends with this boy since 2nd grade and has been over there many times to hang out). We took her over there and Dirty told Nae he wanted to see a parent wave at us, she went to the door, came back to the car and said "his step-mom is in the shower", Dirty said "OK, we'll just wait". Oh man! You should have seen the look on her face! She paled, her eyes got a little shifty, and I'm pretty sure she was sweating. After a few minutes Dirty asked her if there was even an adult there, her answer was no and she knew it the whole time. WHAT?! I seriously lost my shit! Not for ONE second did I think she was lying and knew this kid's mom wasn't home. That was the last thing I expected, even after her sneaking out last month. I was so shocked, Dirty was pissed, Nae was crying, and Zilla was like "hey, what's going on", kid is so oblivious. We took her phone away, AGAIN, she's lost any privileges she had, and she's on chore duty. Good part is, my house has never been so clean, bad part is, my heart is broken.

Sneaking out was bad enough, but I sort of understand. Who doesn't want to go out at 1:00 and see what it's like? It is pretty thrilling. Of course, I didn't tell her that because she disobeyed the rules and broke a law. So, she was punished, This? This feels differently. I don't know if it's because she JUST got out of trouble from her antics in December or what, but I am taking this one hard. I feel like I'm losing her. I am questioning every conversation we've ever had, wondering if she was telling me the truth. If she lied about this, what else has she lied about that we didn't know? Has she had alcohol, done drugs, had sex? She's told me no, but I don't know what to believe anymore.

When my niece lied about almost being abducted by a stranger, it was for attention because her parents were getting a divorce. That kind of shit is expected and understood when a huge upheaval happens in a family, but we haven't had any sort of upheaval to make Nae think she needs attention. Dirty and I do the right things. We talk to her about her day, we listen to her, we have family dinners and all of us converse about the day, we joke with her, we have family movie nights, we give her some space, so I have NO idea what the hell is going on with that kid! We don't go out and leave the children alone for hours at a time, she doesn't have to raise her little brother, nor does she have a laundry list of chores to do because we're too lazy to do them. Seriously, this isn't your typical teenager needs attention and is acting out.

I am just so confused, hurt, and scared. I don't know what to think or do. I know I am taking this very personally but I don't know how else to do it. I know I'm a good mom to her but what happens now? Where do we go from here? I feel like I lost my little girl and I don't know how to get her back or if that's even possible.

I'm not a stupid mom. Naive? Very! Which is why I didn't think she was lying to us. I don't even know how long it is going to take for her to win our trust back, but it won't be any time soon. In the mean time, I have no idea what to do. I know I'm probably being all over dramatic about this and I know it could be SO much worse, but the thing is, I don't WANT it to get or be so much worse. This is bad enough.

She's FINE!

I didn't want to post an update on Nae until we got a definite answer from someone who didn't study only a term of the heart. We took her to her follow up appointment on Monday and he confirmed that her heart looked great. No structural problems, no irregular heart beats, all is good! WHEW good news! We did find out that her blood pressure is on the lower side of normal, so she just needs to make sure she's NOT locking her knees and is aware if/when she gets tunnel vision. And if she does start seeing spots or gets tunnel vision, she needs to LAY DOWN! That way she won't smack her face on the floor and get a pretty bruise on her face and a concussion.So all is well there.

I know a lot of bloggers have posted already about Wise Guy and her little Lola but I just can't NOT post as well. I know from reading a lot of blogs that this loss has hit us all very hard. I know it has hit me very hard. I cried many tears when I learned that Lola was on a ventilator. I sent out texts to various bloggers and we all sent TONS of love. But we were SO hopeful! So much hope. Come to find out that Lola passed away was a HUGE blow to me. I cried, I asked why, I was in disbelief. The first words that came out of my mouth were "NOOOO!" I felt and still kind of do feel betrayed, I just don't know why. Not that knowing why would make any difference, but still! I didn't know what to do with these emotions. I, of course, cried, said a prayer for Wise Guy and her family, but what can I do with these emotions? I went to her blog and I read all her comments that so many people have left and it made me feel a little better. There are NO words that can describe the pain Wise Guy is going through, but I HAVE to believe she can feel the love we are all sending her. So, that's what I'm doing. I am sending Wise Guy all the love I have. In addition to that, I am also sending love to everyone else that knows Wise Guy.

Wise Guy, we love you and we'll be here for you always and forever. Lola is in our hearts and that will never change.

Oh! Why Hello There!

Well, look at that! It's been quite a long time since I last wrote here. So much has happened, both good and bad. Let's see...Nae is still grounded, she's awfully happy about that too. She does, however, have her phone and computer back. She was allowed to go over to her friend's house without Dirty or myself last weekend, she was good and didn't do anything stupid (that we know of) and came home on time. She says she's learned her lesson, but she's 13, so I highly doubt it. I'm, sure she's sorry (that she got caught) and is scared shitless. Both are good. As of right now, she is earning back our trust and as we see fit, she'll get her privileges back. She is taking her punishment very well. No slamming of doors, no telling us she hates us or any of that. She's a smart kid, she knows she screwed up. So yeah, that's good! YAY Nae!

So the bad is that I did send my older sister the letter. She didn't take one word I said as anything but an attack. Not only did she share the letter with the rest of our siblings, she also told anyone who would listen that it was my fault that she doesn't have a relationship with her son. Ummm actually, no, not true. She doesn't have a relationship with her son because she does meth every day(!), not because I said something to him. But, once again I can't control her reactions, all I can is control mine. Which is what I did. I did not reply to her email, no did I try to defend myself to anyone. It's frustrating but you can't argue with crazy, or drugs addicted crazy.

Another good thing that happened was on Saturday. It was the 5 year anniversary of my mom's death and I did GREAT! I didn't cry, nor did I spend the whole day in bed. I didn't even have the urge to want to stay in bed. I WANTED to see the day and I wasn't faking it, either! That was pretty cool. It was very strange knowing what the day was and not bawling, but it felt good. I was trying to explain to Heather and Danielle how it felt and they said they got it, hopefully they did. I was and am very proud of myself. I never though that day would come. It did!

Another bad...once again with the teenager, but this time she didn't do anything wrong. She passed out at school on Friday and Dirty had to go get her. She said she started seeing spots during PE and went into the locker room and passed out, smacking her face on the floor. Once she came to, her battery had come out of her phone and she was trying to put it back in, standing up (because she hasn't learned that you shouldn't stand up) and passed out again. Once again, smacking her face on the floor. We think she might have hit her head on the lockers on the way down because she had a bump on the top of her head, as well as a swollen cheek and a bruised eye. Poor kid. She was pretty shook up and confused. She doesn't remember anything while she was out, obviously, and that scares her. We took her to the doctor on Monday and he ordered a full panel blood test. they took 2 vials of blood and are checking her for EVERYTHING! He also wanted her to have an echo cardiogram, which is on Thursday, and while I know he's being overly cautious because this isn't her first time passing out, I'm still freaking out. I was totally fine with the whole situation until I called the hospital to pre-register her. Now all I can think of is "what if"...not good!

I'm sure it's nothing and this is all to rule out the structure of her heart being "abnormal" but STILL! My little 13 year old is going to get an ultrasound of her HEART on Thursday and that sorta kinda freaks me out! I keep going back to when I was pregnant and they said there was a shadow on her heart. I keep wondering if we should have pushed harder to get it rechecked after birth or if we should have done something more the first time she passed out in 5th grade. Not a good place for my mind to go. I'm, once again, the strong one for Dirty and Nae but on the inside I am pretty scared. If y'all could spare some good JUJU to Nae, i would really appreciate it.

Talk to ya soon! I miss you all!

HELP!

I seriously need some advice here. Even just your thoughts anything, just give me SOMETHING!

Nae is finally the teenager I have dreaded having. She stayed the night at her friend's house last night and they decided to sneak out of the house. They got caught by the cops and had to call us to get her at 2:00 in the morning! Thankfully we didn't have to go get her at the police station but at the school they were at, but STILL! She's grounded from her phone, her computer, her iPod, and her friends for awhile, not sure exactly how long, a month maybe? We just don't know! We've never had to do this before with her, she's always been a great kid. We want to make an impact on her that this shit isn't going to fly, but also we don't want to punish her TOO much. Not sure if there's such a thing as "too much" at the moment, but I just don't know what's the appropriate punishment. My thought was she would get her phone when she went back to school on Monday, but Dirty thinks if she gets grounded from it, that's it. I didn't agree with him until I read her facebook messages. Her and her friend were sneaking out to go see a boy. Apparently he left his door unlocked so they could get in? That's what I'm getting from the messages, I could be wrong, but I doubt it. As if that's not bad enough, she sent that message this morning from her iPod when she was grounded! She doesn't know I read her messages, neither does Dirty. I just read them. When I asked her why they were sneaking out, her answer was "we wanted to know what it was like to sneak out". That's a bullshit answer, I knew that even before I read her messages. Now I have confirmation of it, so I just don't know what to do with this information.

Any thoughts, advice, anything would be appreciated. I'm at a loss as what to do here. I know she's a good kid and teenagers do stupid stuff, but I don't want this to become a normal thing nor do I want to lose her.

Who's The Real You?

I was asked this question by someone on Twitter a few weeks ago. My answer always was "I'm many things. Although you won't know the real me on Twitter." For me, Twitter is my place to be fun, silly, talk obscenely, drink wine on Friday nights at #wineparty, be inappropriate, sexual, emotional, supportive, flirty..all sorts of things. Its my place to bitch about my sister and her dogs coming for Thanksgiving, it's my place to say whatever the hell I want. My blog is for that as well, but this blog is more the emotional, softer side of me. The place where I'm more vulnerable, where I let my guard down and actually show others that I am not a cold hearted bitch, that I do have feelings and they do get hurt and I do in fact cry. Not many people know that I cry, even less have actually SEEN me cry. Not that "this is such a happy moment" cry, but the "ugly cry" where your face gets all contorted into odd shapes you could never recreate unless you were in the "ugly cry" state. I've thought about changing up my blog because it is SO damn depressing but I can't. I don't want to not write about something because it's depressing and just be happy all the time because I do enough of that in real life, I need to let it out somewhere. That somewhere is here. Obviously everything I write isn't going to be depressing, but if so? There's nothing wrong with that!

As far as knowing who I am, I still don't know. I know that I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I'm a daughter, a sister, a student, a friend, and a bunch of other things but who do I see myself as? That's what I don't have the answer too. I do know that I am stressed to the maximum and am SO overwhelmed! I have SO much on my plate that I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know what to tackle first. I am the only source of income and when we are broke, I feel responsible. I do the laundry, so when someone doesn't have something, I feel responsible. Same thing goes for the cleaning of the house, dinners, and everything else. I am responsible for WAY too much and I am beginning to not care about anything. I was in such a funk Tuesday, on the brink of tears all day long because I was feeling the "I don't give a fuck" feeling. This feeling is synonymous with my dark hole of depression. I don't want to go back there, even just the thought of being there makes me have a bit of a panic attack. I ended up talking to Dirty about it, thanks to Danielle who made me promise to talk to him, and he helped me a lot. We came to the conclusion that I am so scared of being depressed that I sort of make myself depressed. Its a vicious cycle and I'm not sure how to stop it. I need to balance these emotions and tasks and am unsure how to do that. I do know that asking for help is HUGE, as is reaching out and while I'm not perfect at it, I'm doing better. There are just some things I have no control over and continuing stressing about those things, isn't doing me favors. On the other hand there are things that I do have control over and that's where asking for help comes in. I'll feel better if I let go a little bit. I'm tying. That's the best I can do.

Another thing that has me going is the situation with my older sister. After I wrote my letter, my dad got her address and said I could send it to her. He suggested I leave out the part about her dad and I agreed. It was a low blow and it was just mean. I didn't need to physically send it to her because she tried to add me to Facebook. That is a little to close and I do NOT want her access to pictures of my kids or my life. She made the choice to love her drugs instead of her family despite us trying to help her. That was her choice, not mine. So I ended up sending her my letter via Facebook and it wasn't well received. Not that I expected anything less, I just didn't expect the shit storm it caused. She didn't reply to me personally, but she sent it to our other siblings and my dad. One of my other sisters sent me a reply basically telling me that I am a spoiled judgmental brat who lives in a  fantasy world. It was not nice at all and frankly, took me by surprise. I didn't expect anyone to remember the events the way I remembered them, but I thought maybe they'd see some of it my way? I don't know exactly what I expected but it was as hell wasn't what I got. The sister I sent the letter to did not reply to me, but she replied to my dad, which really pissed me off. I wrote the letter, if she had something to say about it, and she did, she should have sent it to me. According to her, Dirty is a lazy, controlling piece of shit who wouldn't watch his own kids so I could see my mom when she was sick. She also said that my kids are her niece and nephew and when they get older she will have a relationship with them if they want it. They won't, I've raised them better then that.

She is also confused as to why all of this is coming out now. She blames me for her son hating her and is not taking ANY responsible for anything. I knew she wasn't going to take any responsibility for anything, but I wasn't aware I was to blame for her son hating her. The best part of this whole thing? Is when she said "if and when I decide to get clean, that will be my business". She just admitted to still being on drugs! Knowing that, does she really think I want to have any sort of relationship with her? Or have my kids anywhere near her? I don't know what it's like to be addicted to drugs, so I can't relate but she HAS to know that I will not let her around my teenager! I just wish I could shake the shit out of her and allow her to see what she is doing to this family, even living a state away. She is STILL effecting our lives and I just want her to go away! I had hoped for some sort of closure after sending the letter but it's only frustrated me more. She'll never get it and I need to realize that and let it go.

In better news, my birthday is tomorrow and I plan on have a great day! I will not be grumpy, stressed, and will be happy! I will also let my family spoil me with adoration because dammit I deserve it!

She Would've Been 68 Today

Its been almost 5 years, still can't believe it! Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and then again sometimes it feels like it was so long ago. So many events have been celebrated without her, how can we celebrate without her? How is it possible that I'm still breathing and living? How did I move into my house without her helping me with my kitchen, without her making spaghetti? I can't believe I did it.

This morning I woke up feeling ok, I knew what day it was but I was determined to make it a good day. Then Facebook happened and my sister and my dad posted a video and my friend sent me a message saying she remembered and was here for me. After that, everything kind of turned into a blur and the whole breathing thing became difficult. I really did NOT want this to happen today, clearly I have no choice, but still! I just wanted to have a happy day while remembering her and eat cake. So when I reminded Dirty what day it was, he suggested I stay home and just have a day to myself. I protested a bit because I feel like I should be productive one of these years on her birth and death day, but this year isn't going to be it. Maybe next year, or maybe not. We'll see.

So far this morning, I've cried a few times, made a cake, got SO much support from everyone and listened to her song and cried some more. I just want the pain to lessen a little bit more. In time I suppose.

Happy birthday mom, I'll raise my glass to you tonight, sing you happy birthday, and eat some cake all the while thinking about what a great mom you were and are. Thank you for the 30 years you gave me. They were perfect in every way, just like you.
Love and miss you!

Dear Sister

My dad won't let me call her, he thinks it won't do any good. So instead I'll write her a letter here and vent to my dad and Dirty about how I feel, despite them knowing and feeling pretty much the same way.

Dear Sister,
As much as I don't look at you as a sister anymore and don't think that word fits you, calling you a "meth whore" right from the beginning will not only stop you from reading this letter. And I NEED you to read this letter.

When I was little, I thought you and the rest of my older siblings, were SO cool. Y'all got to go to the park by yourselves and went to a big school. Y'all didn't have to have mom and dad take you everywhere. Soon, however I realized how not cool you all were. Tim was old enough to have a job, but never worked. Lori was old enough to work and of course didn't, either. You were suppose to go to school, but you were always skipping. You three were always downstairs doing your thing, while Lil Sis and I were upstairs playing Barbies or listening to music. When MY dad would go on his business trips, he would always bring you guys something back too. But that was never good enough for you. You were bound and determined to make him feel bad when he got home for whatever reason. While you never harmed Lil Sis or myself, it was very clear you didn't like us. The good thing is we were too young to realize it and still looked up to you three.

As I got older, I could see what type of person you were. Not just you, the others as well. I know Tim stole MY dad's camera, I know he also stole my necklace that Dirty gave me when he was in the Navy. I've also heard that you and Lori treated MY dad like shit. Which, btw, I will NEVER understand because he is the most gentle man in the world. He came into your life when you were 5, basically rescued you and our mom from an abusive man, yet you treated him like shit almost every day. It was and is not his fault your dad was a douche bag. It is also not my fault that we have different fathers and mine is a better man then yours could ever be.

Anyway when you had your son, we really had a connection. We spent that whole summer before together, it was so fun! We planned, shopped, and laughed so much. Then the newness of having a baby wore off and the reality set in. You got a job, so you said, and were gone more then you were home. Mom, dad, Lil sis, and I raised him while you were working. Granted I don't know what it's like to be a single mother and I could be wrong here, but I doubt it. I don't think you were working, I think you were out with your friends while all of us tended to your baby. Then you changed because you met Scott. You two got married and had a great life, on the outside. On the inside there was a lot of drinking, drugs, and infidelity. It wasn't ALL your fault, I'll give you that but it wasn't all his fault either. Once you left him, everything went to hell. You went off your God damn rocker! You left your son with Dirty and I for 2 days, we had NO idea where the fuck you were, nor did we have his asthma medication. Thank God you have an amazing family, if not, I don't even WANT to think what would have happened to that sweet innocent blue eyed little boy. You did have great timing and picked great people to leave him with. Dirty and I didn't have children yet and mom and dad were able to watch YOUR son, so between the 4 of us, we did a damn good job.

When I got pregnant with Nae you were very judgmental and condescending, you couldn't BELIEVE I was pregnant so young. When I told you the first words out of your mouth were "is this a joke?!" Really? I wasn't really THAT young and I had been with Dirty for about 3 years at the time. Anyway, that's not really a big deal, compared to everything else you've done. The conversations Dirty and I had about parenting because of you are what made us the parents we are today. I guess I should thank you for that, but I won't because I shouldn't have to learn how NOT to be a parent from my own sister.

What has pissed me off the most is when I had to tell Nae that she wasn't allowed to spend time with you anymore because of your drug use. You had borrowed mom and dad's car and didn't bring it back when you were suppose too. Mom and dad got pissed off, rightly so, and you all got into it at Nae's 3rd birthday party. Mom and dad took it downstairs so as not to upset Nae but the damage had already been done. From that point on, Dirty and I decided you weren't going to be spending ANY time with Nae. The conversation we had to have with YOUR niece was horrible. 10 years later, I can't still remember her words and the look on her face. She was devastated that she couldn't spend time with her "Tante Tricia" anymore. After that conversation Dirty and I had with her, we vowed to keep you and your shit far, far away from her and any future children we might have.

After we had Zilla, we allowed you to come over to see him because you had gotten your shit together, for the moment. Then mom got sick and we all rallied together as a family to help dad and make sure dad could get to the hospital or the nursing home to see her. When that became just TOO much for you to do, you thought stealing their car would be a good idea. Classy move. But my favorite? Was when you basically stole from my dad while our mother was in the hospital dying of cancer. Yep, that was pretty low of you. It was then and there I realized, or rather, it became more obvious that you will never change. So when we had to make the decision to take mom off life support, you were bawling and freaking out, I, your LITTLE sister by 7 years stood up and took charge. I did everything from telling the nurse our decision to buying the urn. I didn't do it for you, I did it for MY dad. I did it because it's what needed to be done and I am OK with it. I don't want you to say thank you, nor do I want a pat on the back for doing what family does for one another. I just want you to know how every one of your fucked up decisions have effected every one's life as well.

Going through mom's jewelry was hard enough, but you telling me most of it was "costume jewelry"? That was IT! We kind of got into it that night, but I still held my tongue because we were in my dad's house holding and looking at his DEAD wife's jewelry. Going off on you would have only made things worse for him, even though you totally fucking deserved.

I could go on and on for pages upon pages but rehashing all of your fuck ups won't make them any better. It won't serve any other purpose other then making you feel bad, which is a bonus, but it won't last for long. I know you too well. So let me say it simply so you don't get confused.

I don't want you in my life. I don't even CARE if you get clean and want to make amends, I will not accept it. Yes I know family is suppose to be there for each other all the time, well I'm breaking that rule. I don't want your poison anywhere near me or my children. Yes, MY children, not your "babies". You don't even KNOW Zilla and haven't seen either of them in YEARS. Even if I were to leave out my children and my husband, there would still be my dad. I don't want you anywhere near him, either. But mostly this is for me. If I never speak or see you again, I will be just fine with that. Harsh? Probably so. Mean? Oh I am sure of it. But ask me if I care? The answer is no. You have hurt me, Lil Sis, mom, my dad, and everyone else too many times for me to take the chance on you again. There is TOO much to lose. I will protect this family till I die and if that means writing you off, I'll do it with a fucking smile on my face. Trust me on this Tricia. Stay away!

~Your little sister that once thought you did no wrong, but now knows the truth.

So Pissed!

I don't even have the words for how pissed off I am. All I know is that I am shaking with rage and I would love to direct this anger at the person that deserves it, but I don't think it will do any good at all.

Before my mother met and married my father, she was married to a complete asshole. An asshole that beat her, wouldn't allow her to nurse her babies, one that cheated on her, plus many other horrible things. In that marriage they had 3 children together and one he brought from a previous relationship. Every single one of those children are fucked up. They've all been in jail, were or are doing drugs, stole and manipulated both my parents. They blamed my mother for leaving their father. They blamed my dad for everything and anything they could think of. There is a 7 year gap between the youngest child of that marriage and myself. That's a very large gap, but there was a time when we were close. Not anymore. In fact, I am not close with ANY of them at all. If I never speak to any of them, it will be too soon.

I could go on and on about all the horrible things my older sister did to my parents but I don't have that kind of time and frankly there is just TOO much to say. I will say that when my mom was in the hospital, DYING of cancer, my older sister took their car to do something and sold their handicapped sticker. She stole jewelry, money, their checkbook, my money, she lied about being raped, just to name a few. I'm sure you get the picture. She is NOT a nice person. It may be the drugs that are helping her do this shit, but that's only an excuse. She's been a user (of people) since I can remember.

Since we moved and my dad came into his money, shes popped back up on our radar, weird right? She's asked him for money because she needs food and OF course she isn't doing drugs anymore, so the money isn't for drugs. What the fuck ever! Nobody believes your bull shit. The worst part? Is she is making MY dad feel bad.

He went to California with my Lil Sis and they were going to meet here, my dad even paid for a bus ticket for her, but she made excuses to not show up. One of her excuses was that it was raining and she couldn't get to the bus station. Oh? Really? The rain prevents you from getting to the bus station? I get that you live in California and probably aren't use to the rain like we are here in Oregon, but I promise you, it wasn't enough to keep you from your father and little sister. But whatever, clearly it wasn't important enough.

The latest news is that she texted my dad tonight and said "daddy I'm desperate, I need to get out of here". She wants to come here! Uhhh no. Apparently she has some court date but is willing to miss that "just to come home". Well her "home" isn't here anymore. Not because she left us and didn't contact us for years after my mom died, but because she is a person I don't want in my life, sister or not. This isn't only just about me, its about my kids, Dirty, AND my dad. I am SO sick of her using my dad for her benefit. She treated him like shit when he never did anything wrong. He never treated her differently. He didn't treat her like she wasn't his blood, he accepted her. Even when she stole from his dying wife. He still treated her like he would me or my Lil Sis.

I'm SO tempted to call her and tell her to get the hell out of our lives. She has never done any of us any good by being in it. I know that's harsh, but it's true. I've been hurt by her before, but that pain has been replaced with anger. And I will protect my dad and my family in any way I feel the need too. And if that means giving her a call, I'll do just that.

Let The Healing FINALLY Begin

Its been almost 5 years since my life changed forever. Its been almost 2 years since I finally stopped running away from the pain. Its been a long time since I've felt anything but pain. It feels like I am on the road to healing, or maybe closer to actually BEING healed.

After spending some time with my thoughts and feelings about my mom being here, in my house, I am OK. It's good that she's here, I accept it. I accept her death, now. My heart knows that she won't come back and I won't be able to physically see her again. This doesn't mean that I won't have moments of sadness, but after this weekend, I feel OK. I think my soul has healed a little. Nothing can ever heal the part of my soul that was damaged the day she died, but I know I can soften the sting a bit.

Saturday I went to the coast with Peaches and her roommate. We had a great time shopping, laughing, and getting poured on. We got a little bummed when neither of us could find a purse at Coach and decided on a whim to get tattoos! At first I didn't want a tattoo, I wanted to get my nose pierced. The more I thought about it, the more I did want a tattoo. I wanted to get a tattoo for my mom. Not a memorial tattoo per se, but something that means something to me. Nothing huge but something simple. I had thought about getting a lung cancer ribbon, but then Peaches asked me "wouldn't you rather get something that reminds you of your mom rather then of her death?" She made a really good point. I need to remember her and not her death. Her death does not define her life, no matter what caused her death. She and her life are more then lung cancer and the strokes.

So....I got a tattoo on the inside of my left wrist. It's on the small side and I absolutely LOVE it! It's perfect. I got an outline of a forget-me-not, one of her favorite flowers and one that's always reminded me of her. I might get it colored in later, but as of right now, I am 100% happy with it. I feel very at peace with my decision, I feel settled. It was the right thing to do.

Last week was a very emotional week but I think I made HUGE progress. I'm very proud of myself for facing these blocks and going past them instead of allowing them to hold me back. I did do some crying Saturday night, but it felt good to let those tears out. I never feel good crying, but I did after I got home. Best part? My dad approved! I thought for sure he was going to hate it, but he really likes it!

I did good!

Today Was THE Day

Since my dad moved in, I've been wondering when my mom's ashes were coming. I had mentioned it to him before and he never really gave me a definite answer, nor did I press him for one. Apparently the day was Tuesday when he came back from Lil Sis' house. Although......I wasn't aware of this until this morning when I was downstairs talking to him. I was sitting on the floor petting the dog and ca, talking to dad, I look over at the coffee table and there it is. My mom's urn. The one Dirty and I bought and I held in my lap from the crematorium to the church the day of her funeral. I couldn't breathe, let alone finish my sentence. I stammered a few "ummms" and "uuuhhhhs" and finally finished whatever I was saying, which now I can't really remember. I didn't get up and run upstairs, but I excused myself before I started to cry. I still can't cry in front of my dad, the look on his face will break my heart, I just know it.

I was texting Danielle and told her what I just saw. Let me just tell you how amazing she is! She said all the right things and handled my grief and shock great! Seriously, I can't thank her enough. I know it's really difficult to handle another person's grief. You never know what to say and always question if what you said was right or not, but Danielle? She has always been great, especially today. She told me to breath and encouraged me to talk to Dirty. And I did just that.

My voice was shaky as were my hands and I really was having a hard time catching my breath but I told him what was going on. Having my mom here now, as physically as she can be, is rough. I can't really pretend that all of this didn't happen when there is hard core evidence that she is dead. All I have to do is go downstairs and see her urn. She's here.

I'm a little shell shocked but I know that I am OK. This is the last step for me. The last step in true acceptance of my mom's death. Right now, in this moment? I am sad. I miss my mom so much right now that it hurts. But I can also look at it that we are all together again, as a family; just like Dirty said. I haven't lived with my parents in years, and I never thought I would again. If I had thought about it, I sure wouldn't have thought this is how it was going to be, but it is what it is.

So far I've told four people (thank you Heather for your love) and while it isn't any easier each time, I feel my heart open a little each time. Every word I've typed I get a little more light into my soul. I've lived in the darkest place for so long that the light can be blinding and scary for me. It's a slow process but I know that moving to the warmth of the many that love me is what I need to do. I NEED that warmth, I NEED those kind words, warm hugs and the encouragement that this is right. The hiding and being scared isn't. Yes, the books tell you that talking to your family and friends is a very good thing. Hell even my therapist said that too, but I just couldn't let go and give my fragile soul to others. I felt the NEED to protect myself from more pain, despite KNOWING the people that I am talking about (YOU) will not hurt me.

I'm falling into the arms of love and basking in the warmth. There will be times when I will run back to my dark place, but I know, now, that I am much happier in the light of my family and friends. I'm taking deep breaths and embracing the helping hand.

Frustrated by the Lack of Information

When Dirty lost his job, almost 2 years ago, I immediately applied for health care for Nae and Zilla. That was the one AND only thing I cared about. There was NO way I was NOT going to have health care for them. Since Dirty was getting fairly good unemployment benefits, I assumed we would be paying something. Turns out, we didn't have to. Oregon has a program that every child gets health care benefits no matter what. BONUS! I wasn't concerned about health care for us, just the children. When I broke my hand, health insurance would have been nice, but because I am a college student, I qualified for grants to pay for surgery, doctor's appointments and physical therapy. That was HUGE, because my surgery ALONE was almost $10,000...EEK! Anyway, because Dirty was unemployed and I wasn't working or going to school at the time, we were able to get some food stamp benefits. That helped out a lot, even though it kind of sucked, the reality of it.

I started school last year and was told that loans aren't considered income so I didn't have to report that to them. When I went in for my yearly intake appointment last week, I told them anyway. I should've told them before, but it would have effected our benefits in OUR favor, so I didn't get in trouble for it. When I DID tell them I was going to school full time, I was told that I won't be included in the benefits unless I had a part time job or was in the federal work study program. Didn't make ANY sense to me, but OK? My case worker told me to bring in information on the work study program and he could include me in the benefits and we would be able to get insurance and maybe more food stamps. I wasn't in a hurry to give him the paperwork because the jobs don't get handed out until October 15, so I had no idea if I had a  job through the school or not. I thought I was doing the right thing. Plus? We don't actually need more benefits, we're doing well with what we have. I didn't want to take anything that could be used for someone else. I'm aware the state doesn't work like this, but it didn't feel right to ME, and Dirty agreed. I was wrong :-| I got a phone call Friday from my case worker telling me I needed to give him that information and until I did so, our application was suspended. What...WHAT?!

He made it sound like it wasn't a "required" document, but then his phone call stated differently. I got the information and turned it in as soon as I got out of class on Friday. After talking to some people about all of this, I find out that I might qualify for cash benefits because I am a full time student and Dirty isn't working. I found this out through OTHER people, not from someone who works for the state. Shouldn't this have been information offered to me before? When I asked about it, I was told that this particular benefit is only for women who are in a life threatening situation or a family that has had their house burned down, etc. That is NOT the correct information! I am a full time student and ANY full time college student qualifies for this benefit. Apparently it's been around for awhile, because a few people have told me about it after I started asking around.

So, this morning, I filled out MORE paperwork for this cash assistance. As I was in the office talking to yet ANOTHER case worker, I see a lot of information on free health care and dental clinics for adults. There are at least 5 clinics in the area that either have hours where they take patients who don't have insurance or a clinic specifically for people who don't have health insurance. I also saw information on low cost medication for people without health insurance. I KNEW NONE OF THIS! It would have been great information to have when I broke my hand or even before. Just in case Dirty or I got sick and needed to go to the doctor. Right now if one of us gets sick, we have 3 choices; we go to the ER and have to pay a $200 detectable PLUS whatever the ER visit costs  OR we suck it up and hope it isn't anything serious that needs antibiotics, or we can treat with home remedies. Why wasn't I given this information when I signed up the children for state insurance? They asked me if I had insurance, I told them no and they put our names in a lottery for insurance, but we didn't get picked. Maybe they could have given me a packet in information with all these names and numbers so we could go to the doctor if needed instead of going to the ER and paying an extraordinary amount or even not paying it at all (because the ER is EXPENSIVE)?

This all just seems SO back-ass-wards! Not to mention the fact that there are SO many more options for people on food stamps then just going to the grocery store and buying food there. Farmer's markets take food stamps! And so do some crop share programs, as does Costco. Once again, I didn't find out any of this information from the state, I got it from one of my professors last term.

In this state, if you're on WIC, (I have no idea about other states, since I live in Oregon) you have to go to some classes to make sure you're feeding your baby the right foods, help with breast feeding, and general care of your new infant. Granted, taking care of a baby is important and a lot of women need that, but shouldn't that be the same for the food stamp program? Shouldn't there be a class you have to go to and LEARN who takes food stamps and what foods are healthy and aren't? It seems like a no brainer, but there are people out there who don't KNOW! These classes could teach people how to eat and buy healthier foods, maybe even a cooking class? I'm sure I'm probably being a Polly Anna about this, but if there's funding for certain programs, there should be "how to" classes to go along with them?

It feels like if I wasn't going to school and neither Dirty or myself were working, we would be getting a lot more help, through the state, but because that's not the case, I'm having to DRAG information out of other people. So, because I am trying to do the right thing, I am having to jump through hoops while the woman down the street with a truck load of children and no job, gets everything handed to her. I can totally see why people use the system, it's so much fucking easier!

I'm frustrated and fed up. I'm not doing ANY of this for myself, I am doing it for my family. So my kids can go to the doctor when they need too. So when they ask me "can you get some yogurt at the store?" I can say "yes, no problem". And when they want to do a sport, I don't have to figure out where that $60 is going to come from. I wouldn't expect anyone to make this easy on me, I don't want it to be easy, but maybe a little forthcoming with information would be nice.

Is this an Oregon thing, or do other states have screwed up "help", too? Am I asking for too much? Should I just shut my mouth and be thankful for what I even have? Which I am, but frustrated as well.

Identity

I am not sure who or what identify with anymore. I have always identified myself as a woman, obviously, because I am one. I try not to identify myself solely on being a mother, wife, sister, daughter or friend. All of those are amazing things to be, no doubt, but I don't want to be known as "Beautiful Mess, Dirty's wife" or "Beautiful Mess, Nae and Zilla's mom". It's not that I am ashamed of being a friend, mother, wife, sister, or daughter, I just feel I am MORE then that. I am also a nursing student, but more importantly I am ME. The only problem is, who is "me"?

Today in psychology class we were talking about wearing masks throughout your life. Sometimes those masks are needed, such as when you're at work vs when you're with your friends. Most of the time, you can't act the same in both places. So when you're at work or with your friends you wear the appropriate mask. Those are, apparently, "healthy masks". I raised my hand and asked "what are unhealthy masks?" I knew the answer already, if I had just sat and thought about it I would've figured it out, but I was too quick to get an answer. Or maybe it was just something that I needed to hear, rather then think. He said "an unhealthy masks is one you wear after a trauma, emotional or physical. Sometimes it becomes second nature and you don't even think about it anymore, it becomes a part of you. Eventually though, your two worlds collide and your unhealthy mask will fall and your healthy mask will prevail." I just laughed to myself because could he be reading my mind or know my situation any more? I mean, really? Trauma? Unhealthy masks? Apparently I am, in fact, a cliche.

So, I'm still wearing my unhealthy mask and right now? That's comfortable for me. I know I can't wear this mask forever and I can already feel my two worlds getting closer and closer. I'm sure they'll collide soon, I don't think it'll happen in days, but within a matter of months, MY mask will overcome the mask I've been wearing since my mom died.

I'm not sure who I'll be after my unhealthy masks falls, but I know I won't be the same "happy go lucky" woman I was. On the other hand, I won't be the "everyone is going to go off and die on me" woman I am now. A combination of the two, maybe? Can the two me's reside in one person? I'm sure they can, but I am a little bit afraid to find out who the new person I will end up being. I'm sure I will still have the same qualities I possessed before, as well as the cautious nature I have now. It will be awfully interesting to see how the people who didn't know me before my mom died react, but I can't do anything about their reactions. I'm sure my family will be happy to see more of the "before me" come back. And the people who don't know me yet will not know the difference. That's the part that blows my mind. Right now my life is split into two categories "the people that knew me before and the ones that know me now". There's never EVEN been a thought of the third part, so I guess that's progress? Once again, only time will tell how all of this will pan out. I'm not ready for the change, but I am ready to start THINKING bout the change.

Maybe the collision of my two worlds won't be as dramatic as I think it's going to be. Maybe, just MAYBE it's a gradual collision and it won't leave me with more trauma. Because frankly? I don't think I can handle anymore trauma.

New Day, Different Emotions

The comments from my last post? AMAZING! Thank you ALL so much. I truly value each and every one. As always, every word made me feel tons better.

Dirty was gone for most of the day helping his dad cut down a tree, we opted not to go because the children would have been bored. Dealing with bored children at my in-laws house didn't sound very appealing in the least. Instead, I took a nap (YAY) and the three of us cleaned the house. I also got to watch Mamma Mia and cried through most of it. I don't know why but that movie makes me cry happy and sad tears. Anyway, since Dirty was gone all day, I was able to reflect on my mood and our fight from last week. I thought about my post and the beautiful words that were left in the comments. I realized that it is OK to feel overwhelmed by everything, including a move that is suppose to be positive. Also? Dirty was gone from 7AM-3PM and the "OMG I haven't heard from him all day, he's dead" thoughts didn't start until 1:00. PROGRESS!

I did talk to Dirty tonight, after he started the conversation with me. I'm STILL not quite to the point where I can start off a deep conversation about what's going on inside my head. I'm getting there, though. I told him how I'm scared of being depressed and getting to where I was before. The more I thought about it and talked to him, the more I think it's the FEAR of being depressed then actually BEING depressed. I may have been going into that dark place or it may have been just another wave of grief. Or  maybe the two are the same? I'm not sure and I don't think it matters. What does matter is that I (along with a lot of support and help) got out of it the first time and I can do it again.

I use to never have a problem with change, but apparently that has changed. A lot has changed since the day my mom died. Every new event that happens in our life is always peppered with thoughts of "mom should be here". From small things to big things, mom should be part of them. She should have been the one helping me put my kitchen together, I shouldn't have had to do it by myself. But the reality is that she isn't here experiencing them with us and there is nothing I can do to change that. My feelings are my feelings and there is nothing wrong with having them, no matter how long it's been since she died. I'll, most likely, never get over her death. Am I even suppose too? I doubt it very much.

This is my new reality and even though its been almost 5 years, it's still so new. I don't know how to live a life without my mom in it. I'm a slow learner, but at least I'm learning?