Sep 18, 2009

Stumbling

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
"Life is a race. You are racing against yourself. You'll stumble a few times, you might even fall. BUT you will ALWAYS get up, ALWAYS. Know why? Because you are strong."

Dirty said that to me last night after I told him I was feeling fragile and wounded. He didn't just bust out with it, he's amazing and all but not THAT amazing. Why am I have such a hard time right now? I'm not quite sure. I've felt stressed for about a week. Tuesday was bad. Very bad. I totally lost my temper and told Zilla to shut up. I NEVER tell my kids to shut up. I felt like such a bully as soon as it came out of my mouth. I still feel like an asshole. I'm sure he's forgotten about it by now, but I still feel horrible! He's six, he interrupts me, that's what six year olds do, right? *sigh* I feel like an asshole, though. Thank Goddess for email and bloggy friends. I was emailing Busted Tube back and forth and totally vented to her! Of course my timing sucks because she's having her own stuff to deal with, but she was amazing. Thank you for letting me vent, Enna. I truly appreciate it! Mostly, thank you for not telling me how horrible I am.

For the past week or so, I've been feeling "off". I couldn't quite understand what was going on. I figured it was the back to school craziness. Getting back into the routine of getting both of them to school, learning everything there is to learn about Zilla's new school, Nae's homework load, volleyball practice, what's for dinner, grocery shopping and of course, there's the damn laundry. I talked to Dirty the other night, Tuesday actually, after had my FREAK out moment. And I told him, I was having separation anxiety. Really silly because you would think I would have had it LAST year. But no, it's this year. We talked some more and finally pinned it down to Zilla's new school. It's just SO different then his old school. Probably because it's our first year here, rather then our 4th. It isn't a bad school, it's just not "home". After that conversation, I felt better. Then the same fragile feeling came back yesterday. I was exhausted, the thought of making dinner threw me into a "I want to go to bed and ya'll are having cereal for dinner" mood. I got my feelings hurt over silly things and all I wanted to do was run away so I wasn't being hurt anymore.

Dirty and I went to bed and I told him "I'm feeling really fragile and it's just so SILLY!" In the end we got down to the root of the fragile feeling and I'm feeling a bit better today, but still a little "wounded". I'm stumbling right now because I'm going to get a pedicure done with MIL, SIL, and Nae on Sunday. As soon as it was planned, I had a picture in my head of how the day was suppose to look. My mom in a chair, MIL in a chair, SIL in a chair, her mom in a chair, me, and then Nae in our chairs. Obviously that can't happen and the image quickly vanished as soon as it came, but it left me with a sense of loss all over again. I've been mourning this image ever since. I want to go and I will go, but I'm not quite sure where this image came from. It's not like my mom and I use to get pedicures all the time. We never went together, I'm not even sure she ever HAD a pedicure. This, as usual, all came out of nowhere.

I was feeling very frustrated and angry with myself for stumbling and feeling sad, but Dirty talked me out of that. When I start to get sad, I immediately think of my lowest point in my grief and I get scared because I think I might go back there. Dirty and I had gotten into a fight because I wasn't telling him how sad I was. I kept telling him I was "fine". That hurt his feelings because, basically I was lying to him. He wanted to help me though the process but I wouldn't let him in. I wouldn't let anyone in, actually. Finally after HOURS of arguing, yelling, screaming, I finally collapsed onto the floor. I was sobbing holding onto our bed skirt saying "I don't know who I am anymore. I'm lost, I feel like I'm an orphan. I'm a mom and a wife, but I'm not a daughter anymore." After I said this, I looked up and saw the look on Dirty's face. It was a look of concern, worry and fear. Fear for me, he wanted to help me and he was worried about me. He didn't feel burdened by my grief or my tears, He was asking how I was because he cared, not because he wanted to gauge my mood for the day. That was about 2 years ago. It took me a LONG time to climb up the hill and I'll climb it forever. Some days will be better then others and right now is not a good day.

I had my mom in my life for 31 years and she's been out of my life for almost 4 (wow!) years. I had her for 99% of my life. It will take time to adjust not having her to call or see. Four years is a blink of an eye compared to 31.

Today, I'm feeling sad, fragile and wounded. Which is OK. It's normal and I need to treat myself as I would treat anyone having a day like this. Chocolate and a walk are on the agenda.

36 friends have commented:

Suzy on September 18, 2009 at 11:23 AM said...

I'm so sorry you are feeling that loss all over again. I lost my Dad 11 years ago. Sometimes it feels like yesterday.

I hope you're able to enjoy the pedicure and the time with family.
xoxo

MoxieMamaKC on September 18, 2009 at 11:24 AM said...

Chin up! You don't have to be perfect (or completely emotionally balanced) every single second of every single day. It's ok to stumble every so often. Dirty is very right. You will always get up. Hang in there!

Morgan on September 18, 2009 at 12:02 PM said...

One word- Zanex! It does wonders! LOL!

I'm really sorry you are feeling these feelings. I just lost my Grandmother, and although a grandma is different than a mother, my grandma and I were very close. The hardest part is breaking the habits...calling, having lunch everyday..things like that. I can't imagine losing my mother, and I am so sorry you are having to deal with this all right now. Even though it's been 4 years, the memories will never go away..nor will the moments of thinking "if only mom could be there". I guess it's just something people have to deal with, and it SUCKS big ones. Anyways, just wanted to drop by and tell ya I'm thinking about you! Big hugs!

Caitlin on September 18, 2009 at 12:48 PM said...

Oh D...the feeling of being "off" is something I'm completely familiar with lately. And plain and simple...it SUCKS.

I'm sorry you are still mourining your mother. I can't imagine that will change anytime soon...it's hard to get "used to" someone being out of your life for no good reason. You are so blessed to have Dirty in your corner. He sounds like such a trooper! I hope things perk up for you soon...the chocolate should help a little. ;)

(((hugs)))

natalie on September 18, 2009 at 12:53 PM said...

I'm sorry you're feeling like this at the moment, but it sounds like you have a very strong supporter in Dirty. Thank goodness for him! I think you are still your mother's daughter...it's just different. And I know all too well, the wishing that takes place after my father passed away 12 yers ago. Enjoy your pedicure this weekend :)

Becoming Whole on September 18, 2009 at 2:42 PM said...

I guess that the pic on my blog really spoke to us both, huh?

It ebbs and flows and ebbs and flows. Grief does not move in a straight line.

(((hugs)))

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) on September 18, 2009 at 2:43 PM said...

I'm so sorry. :( I can relate to those fragile wounded feelings. Be gentle to yourself, Lovely!

SassyCupcakes on September 18, 2009 at 5:30 PM said...

*hug* Take care.

Busted Tube on September 18, 2009 at 7:29 PM said...

I'm so glad that my email skillz came in handy! I'm always happy to listen!
Great that you're taking yourself on a walk and feeding yourself chocolate. Sometimes it is hard to remember to be gentle with ourselves, but it is really important! Take care.

Bec on September 18, 2009 at 7:43 PM said...

Oh honey. I understand what you mean about automatically thinking of the worst of the grief (or in my case depression) and thinking you might end up back there.Please take care of yourself xx

Sunny on September 18, 2009 at 7:57 PM said...

Chocolate and a walk sound like the perfect medicine. I'm sorry you are feeling fragile right now. You have a lot of adjustment and stress right now, and naturally you want your mom. Which stirs up the grief pot, and it keeps going in a circle. Hang in there, rely on your wonderful husband, and you'll feel stronger again.

IF Optimist, then... on September 19, 2009 at 1:59 AM said...

Oh Beautiful--you have every reason to feel off and a little fragile. Things are moving fast in life and a lot is changing. Thinking of your Mom is hard, but I'm sure she will be with you as long as you carry her in your heart. I'm so glad your husband is so wonderful and caring, give him a big hug from the ALI community and tell him we think he's wonderful.

The Unproductive One on September 19, 2009 at 2:22 AM said...

Oh honey I'm so sorry you've been feeling the way you have :-(

To go from having your dear Mum in your life for 31 years to not having her for near on 4 years is a big adjustment, on you will overcome in YOUR own time...

Meanwhile 31 + 4 means you're 34 going on 35 or already 35, gee you're an ole bugger!! JUST JOKING!! Hope that made ya laff tho!

Much love my friend
xxxxxxx

Jenn on September 19, 2009 at 5:04 AM said...

My sweet sweet friend,

You are entitled to feel how you feel whenever you feel it- no explanation needed.

Grief is such a funny thing - there really is no rule book for it. No matter how long has passed, it seems there will always be things that open the door to it and invite it in.

You are where you are - plain and simple. The depth of you missing your mom is a true indicator of just how special your relationship was and will always be!

You are allowed to stumble along in this crazy life my friend - we all do.

It's such a blessing that you have dirty and all your bloggy friends here to pick you up and dust you off!

Just know when you go for that pedicure this weekend that your Mom will be watching over you - smiling!

Love ya much - ((((Beautiful)))))

Nel on September 19, 2009 at 10:31 AM said...

I am SO sorry you have been feeling like this. I think you should know that its ok and that 4 years means nothing in terms of grieving. There isn't a point when you just decide that you feel better. You will always miss her, but you will learn how to deal with it effectively.

Keep writing about it....that always helps.

cysteract on September 19, 2009 at 11:06 AM said...

I didn't want to just read and run, sorry your having a difficult patch right now.

**Hugs**

I do hope the could lifts a little for you to enjoy your pamper day.

Thinking of you xX

Kristin on September 19, 2009 at 7:30 PM said...

I wish I lived close enough to give you a big hug. You'll make it sweetie.

alicia on September 19, 2009 at 8:26 PM said...

oh no! hugs! I love how in touch with yourself you are, I know you were keeping it in, but that you are able to articulate your feelings so well and pinpoint exactly the cause, that is a gift! And I am so glad you have a partner who cares so deeply for you and who so longs to be involved with every part of you, that is truly an special, awesome relationship!

It will be hard to get through tough days, and you summed it up right saying you had 31 years with her, so healing from losing her will take a while, but chocolate and walks and your loving family will defiantly help! So will all us bloggy friends! hugs

My name is Andy. on September 20, 2009 at 4:39 AM said...

{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}
I'm sorry you are having a rough time right now.

CappyPrincess on September 20, 2009 at 5:44 AM said...

Hugs, GF! Life has it's ups and down but you ARE strong! Dirty is so right about that. Roll with the punches, eventually you'll be on the upswing. Until then you have a whole community of people pulling for you and understanding and loving you.

Parenthood For Me on September 20, 2009 at 6:33 AM said...

Hugs to you Dani. You are strong and you deal with your emotions so well. Hope the chocolate and walk sooth you a bit.

Phoebe on September 20, 2009 at 5:07 PM said...

I'm glad you found the root of your trigger to the grief of losing your mom. The grief never goes away, does it? It just doesn't grip us 24/7 the way it used to. Allow it to come and know that it will not take your life over (it just feels that way).

About Zilla - have you thought about apologizing? I think it is a very good thing to model for kids - having an adult apologize to them. Then, they will learn how to do it when they grow up. Hmmmmm, I'm having a deja vu back to your last post and my comment there! Remember how I said how I act out my grief?

Hugs!!

JamieD on September 20, 2009 at 6:46 PM said...

I am so sorry, sweetie. It is hard when those things pile up and make us feel fragile because it is so hard to get back on top of the game again. I know you will do it, though, because you ARE strong.

I hope the chocolate helped!!

Chayce's Momma on September 21, 2009 at 11:06 AM said...

You can not help the way you feel, but you are extremely lucky to have someone there for you that wants to help you feel better! A lot of people don't have that.

I hope that you start feeling better. Chocolate and a walk are always good medicine!!!

kate on September 21, 2009 at 12:17 PM said...

Ah. It is so hard sometimes to let our significant others into our heads, especially when they are filled with hurt. I like that you guys seem to be able to talk things out. My husband is so difficult to get things out of sometimes, and I get so frustrated, but I think I can be the same way, too, sometimes.

Except that unlike you, I freak out over something tiny and pick and pick and pick at H until he yells back at me, and then I get mad at him, and then, 30 minutes later, we get to the heart of the matter, and I can explain why I was *really* feeling so sensitive. (Of course, lately, that reason why is typically called Stupid Lupron...)

Anyhow, I'm sorry that this is all coming at you right now. I'm sending you giant peace vibes...

KimboSue on September 21, 2009 at 12:29 PM said...

(((BIG HUGS))). Chocoate and wine always help me. Hope this week is better.

Belle on September 22, 2009 at 8:05 AM said...

I'm so sorry for you. It's really really sweet though that you have a husband that cares enough to make you talk through it.
Chocolate AND a drink. :)

nancy on September 22, 2009 at 10:08 AM said...

What an honest post. And I really believe that is what makes you so strong - the fact you can feel and recognize what you are feeling.

I have something private to talk to you about. I need to email you. If it's in your profile, I'm going to write to you now.

nancy on September 22, 2009 at 10:11 AM said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Flying Monkeys on September 22, 2009 at 1:49 PM said...

I'm sorry I've been so wrapped up I'm late to this, as if my being here makes it better. LOL! I think that's the cycle of grief, and I think that wishing your mom could be there with you on your spa day is normal. You love her and you miss her.
It's okay to stumble and it's okay to use Dirty to brace you when you need it.
I hope you had a nice time at your pedicure.

ryanandjoesmom on September 23, 2009 at 11:32 AM said...

I wish I had some words of wisdom for you or could tell you that these feelings will stop, but I don't and I can't. I am keeping you in my thoughts and sending you a huge virtual hug. Take care of yourself!

Carrie on September 23, 2009 at 2:07 PM said...

Oh that is a terrible feeling, like something is WRONG and you don't know what it is. D is right- you are strong (!) and will live to fight another day.

A walk sounds like a marvelous idea. Breathe deeply out there.

awomanmyage on September 28, 2009 at 11:35 AM said...

When you suffer a loss like that, it isn't something you ever really get over - the trauma of losing your mum can lost many, many years. My old psychologist once did this EMDR technique on me, to help me lessen flashbacks of my trauma; you can google it. It might be of some use to you. In the meanwhile a walk and some chocolate always soothes the nerves. Also try introducing Omega 3 supplements, B 12 vitamins or foods, it helps even out moods.

prashant on September 29, 2009 at 12:05 PM said...

It's ok to stumble every so often. Dirty is very right. You will always get up. Domain registration india

Clio on October 4, 2009 at 2:27 PM said...

I'm not sure i said this to you before here, but a friend of mine once said that we only become adults when we lose our parents. So I guess it is a difficult process to find yourself being the elder, the adult all of a sudden. Good that Dirty is helping you to work through your grief. it's nice when we are able to let the ones we love inside. This last month has been extremely dificult for me. i'm going through the worst things, all bundled together. DH has helped me a lot, but the best he did for me was to get me to a psychiatrist, because i just wasn't able to deal with the whole crap on my own. Grief can be overwhelming sometimes. I love the start of your post. It was good to read and reaffirm that we always get up no matter what. Life goes on, doesn't it?

Poltzie on October 5, 2009 at 9:05 PM said...

Sorry this comment is SO late. It's taken me forever to catch up from my vaca.
I think it's "normal" too. Your hubby sounds so great. I'm glad he's so sweet to you otherwise I would come over and make you some soup!
Big Hugs!!

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