Stumbling

"Life is a race. You are racing against yourself. You'll stumble a few times, you might even fall. BUT you will ALWAYS get up, ALWAYS. Know why? Because you are strong."

Dirty said that to me last night after I told him I was feeling fragile and wounded. He didn't just bust out with it, he's amazing and all but not THAT amazing. Why am I have such a hard time right now? I'm not quite sure. I've felt stressed for about a week. Tuesday was bad. Very bad. I totally lost my temper and told Zilla to shut up. I NEVER tell my kids to shut up. I felt like such a bully as soon as it came out of my mouth. I still feel like an asshole. I'm sure he's forgotten about it by now, but I still feel horrible! He's six, he interrupts me, that's what six year olds do, right? *sigh* I feel like an asshole, though. Thank Goddess for email and bloggy friends. I was emailing Busted Tube back and forth and totally vented to her! Of course my timing sucks because she's having her own stuff to deal with, but she was amazing. Thank you for letting me vent, Enna. I truly appreciate it! Mostly, thank you for not telling me how horrible I am.

For the past week or so, I've been feeling "off". I couldn't quite understand what was going on. I figured it was the back to school craziness. Getting back into the routine of getting both of them to school, learning everything there is to learn about Zilla's new school, Nae's homework load, volleyball practice, what's for dinner, grocery shopping and of course, there's the damn laundry. I talked to Dirty the other night, Tuesday actually, after had my FREAK out moment. And I told him, I was having separation anxiety. Really silly because you would think I would have had it LAST year. But no, it's this year. We talked some more and finally pinned it down to Zilla's new school. It's just SO different then his old school. Probably because it's our first year here, rather then our 4th. It isn't a bad school, it's just not "home". After that conversation, I felt better. Then the same fragile feeling came back yesterday. I was exhausted, the thought of making dinner threw me into a "I want to go to bed and ya'll are having cereal for dinner" mood. I got my feelings hurt over silly things and all I wanted to do was run away so I wasn't being hurt anymore.

Dirty and I went to bed and I told him "I'm feeling really fragile and it's just so SILLY!" In the end we got down to the root of the fragile feeling and I'm feeling a bit better today, but still a little "wounded". I'm stumbling right now because I'm going to get a pedicure done with MIL, SIL, and Nae on Sunday. As soon as it was planned, I had a picture in my head of how the day was suppose to look. My mom in a chair, MIL in a chair, SIL in a chair, her mom in a chair, me, and then Nae in our chairs. Obviously that can't happen and the image quickly vanished as soon as it came, but it left me with a sense of loss all over again. I've been mourning this image ever since. I want to go and I will go, but I'm not quite sure where this image came from. It's not like my mom and I use to get pedicures all the time. We never went together, I'm not even sure she ever HAD a pedicure. This, as usual, all came out of nowhere.

I was feeling very frustrated and angry with myself for stumbling and feeling sad, but Dirty talked me out of that. When I start to get sad, I immediately think of my lowest point in my grief and I get scared because I think I might go back there. Dirty and I had gotten into a fight because I wasn't telling him how sad I was. I kept telling him I was "fine". That hurt his feelings because, basically I was lying to him. He wanted to help me though the process but I wouldn't let him in. I wouldn't let anyone in, actually. Finally after HOURS of arguing, yelling, screaming, I finally collapsed onto the floor. I was sobbing holding onto our bed skirt saying "I don't know who I am anymore. I'm lost, I feel like I'm an orphan. I'm a mom and a wife, but I'm not a daughter anymore." After I said this, I looked up and saw the look on Dirty's face. It was a look of concern, worry and fear. Fear for me, he wanted to help me and he was worried about me. He didn't feel burdened by my grief or my tears, He was asking how I was because he cared, not because he wanted to gauge my mood for the day. That was about 2 years ago. It took me a LONG time to climb up the hill and I'll climb it forever. Some days will be better then others and right now is not a good day.

I had my mom in my life for 31 years and she's been out of my life for almost 4 (wow!) years. I had her for 99% of my life. It will take time to adjust not having her to call or see. Four years is a blink of an eye compared to 31.

Today, I'm feeling sad, fragile and wounded. Which is OK. It's normal and I need to treat myself as I would treat anyone having a day like this. Chocolate and a walk are on the agenda.