Dec 4, 2010

Who's The Real You?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I was asked this question by someone on Twitter a few weeks ago. My answer always was "I'm many things. Although you won't know the real me on Twitter." For me, Twitter is my place to be fun, silly, talk obscenely, drink wine on Friday nights at #wineparty, be inappropriate, sexual, emotional, supportive, flirty..all sorts of things. Its my place to bitch about my sister and her dogs coming for Thanksgiving, it's my place to say whatever the hell I want. My blog is for that as well, but this blog is more the emotional, softer side of me. The place where I'm more vulnerable, where I let my guard down and actually show others that I am not a cold hearted bitch, that I do have feelings and they do get hurt and I do in fact cry. Not many people know that I cry, even less have actually SEEN me cry. Not that "this is such a happy moment" cry, but the "ugly cry" where your face gets all contorted into odd shapes you could never recreate unless you were in the "ugly cry" state. I've thought about changing up my blog because it is SO damn depressing but I can't. I don't want to not write about something because it's depressing and just be happy all the time because I do enough of that in real life, I need to let it out somewhere. That somewhere is here. Obviously everything I write isn't going to be depressing, but if so? There's nothing wrong with that!

As far as knowing who I am, I still don't know. I know that I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I'm a daughter, a sister, a student, a friend, and a bunch of other things but who do I see myself as? That's what I don't have the answer too. I do know that I am stressed to the maximum and am SO overwhelmed! I have SO much on my plate that I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know what to tackle first. I am the only source of income and when we are broke, I feel responsible. I do the laundry, so when someone doesn't have something, I feel responsible. Same thing goes for the cleaning of the house, dinners, and everything else. I am responsible for WAY too much and I am beginning to not care about anything. I was in such a funk Tuesday, on the brink of tears all day long because I was feeling the "I don't give a fuck" feeling. This feeling is synonymous with my dark hole of depression. I don't want to go back there, even just the thought of being there makes me have a bit of a panic attack. I ended up talking to Dirty about it, thanks to Danielle who made me promise to talk to him, and he helped me a lot. We came to the conclusion that I am so scared of being depressed that I sort of make myself depressed. Its a vicious cycle and I'm not sure how to stop it. I need to balance these emotions and tasks and am unsure how to do that. I do know that asking for help is HUGE, as is reaching out and while I'm not perfect at it, I'm doing better. There are just some things I have no control over and continuing stressing about those things, isn't doing me favors. On the other hand there are things that I do have control over and that's where asking for help comes in. I'll feel better if I let go a little bit. I'm tying. That's the best I can do.

Another thing that has me going is the situation with my older sister. After I wrote my letter, my dad got her address and said I could send it to her. He suggested I leave out the part about her dad and I agreed. It was a low blow and it was just mean. I didn't need to physically send it to her because she tried to add me to Facebook. That is a little to close and I do NOT want her access to pictures of my kids or my life. She made the choice to love her drugs instead of her family despite us trying to help her. That was her choice, not mine. So I ended up sending her my letter via Facebook and it wasn't well received. Not that I expected anything less, I just didn't expect the shit storm it caused. She didn't reply to me personally, but she sent it to our other siblings and my dad. One of my other sisters sent me a reply basically telling me that I am a spoiled judgmental brat who lives in a  fantasy world. It was not nice at all and frankly, took me by surprise. I didn't expect anyone to remember the events the way I remembered them, but I thought maybe they'd see some of it my way? I don't know exactly what I expected but it was as hell wasn't what I got. The sister I sent the letter to did not reply to me, but she replied to my dad, which really pissed me off. I wrote the letter, if she had something to say about it, and she did, she should have sent it to me. According to her, Dirty is a lazy, controlling piece of shit who wouldn't watch his own kids so I could see my mom when she was sick. She also said that my kids are her niece and nephew and when they get older she will have a relationship with them if they want it. They won't, I've raised them better then that.

She is also confused as to why all of this is coming out now. She blames me for her son hating her and is not taking ANY responsible for anything. I knew she wasn't going to take any responsibility for anything, but I wasn't aware I was to blame for her son hating her. The best part of this whole thing? Is when she said "if and when I decide to get clean, that will be my business". She just admitted to still being on drugs! Knowing that, does she really think I want to have any sort of relationship with her? Or have my kids anywhere near her? I don't know what it's like to be addicted to drugs, so I can't relate but she HAS to know that I will not let her around my teenager! I just wish I could shake the shit out of her and allow her to see what she is doing to this family, even living a state away. She is STILL effecting our lives and I just want her to go away! I had hoped for some sort of closure after sending the letter but it's only frustrated me more. She'll never get it and I need to realize that and let it go.

In better news, my birthday is tomorrow and I plan on have a great day! I will not be grumpy, stressed, and will be happy! I will also let my family spoil me with adoration because dammit I deserve it!

6 friends have commented:

Kristin on December 4, 2010 at 5:54 PM said...

I am so sorry the letter stirred up such a shit storm.

On a happy note, I hope you have a truly amazing birthday. You deserve all things wonderful!

WiseGuy on December 5, 2010 at 12:07 AM said...

Happy Birthday, girl!

You have SO much going on really, and your druggie sister is craptastic. But I am also surprised at what your other sister had to say.

Guess what? To each one's own. I hope your Dad understands that you are genuinely concerned here...

JJ on December 5, 2010 at 3:50 PM said...

Ooo happy birthday, sweet lady!! Didnt realize it was today! Hope youve had a FANTASTIC day--other than some drama earlier, huh?!

Really sorry the family issues are still lingering--you are being a fantastic person through all of it!

Danielle on December 6, 2010 at 11:47 AM said...

Aaaah lover! I think we all have different "real" you places. Obviously we don't act the same around friends as we do our in-laws? Or co-workers. I mean the "real" you changes to adapt to the environment, in my opinion.

You know my feelings about your sister. She can whine and cry all she wants, but you know you and your family are better off not giving in to her and not having her around. You know what is good for your kids (and yourself) and she DEFINITELY isn't!

So proud of you for how you handled things and that you talked to Dirty! You're showing progress and that's amazing!!

Love you TONS!!!

Reckless Sarcasm on December 6, 2010 at 5:53 PM said...

Ok so I have to say first that I'm not a parent, but what I see from parenting (obviously from TV ;)) is that all you can do is talk to her and let her know what is and isn't ok and let her know that you have rules and if they're broken that there are consequences.

Quiet Dreams on December 12, 2010 at 2:23 PM said...

I have a feeling that all of the things you've mentioned here (including the Twitter fun and the mess with your sister) are all a piece of who you are. A more complete picture (of any of us) is something few people have the privilege to see. I'm glad I've gotten to see the pieces that I have. :)

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