Nov 2, 2010

She Would've Been 68 Today

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Its been almost 5 years, still can't believe it! Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and then again sometimes it feels like it was so long ago. So many events have been celebrated without her, how can we celebrate without her? How is it possible that I'm still breathing and living? How did I move into my house without her helping me with my kitchen, without her making spaghetti? I can't believe I did it.

This morning I woke up feeling ok, I knew what day it was but I was determined to make it a good day. Then Facebook happened and my sister and my dad posted a video and my friend sent me a message saying she remembered and was here for me. After that, everything kind of turned into a blur and the whole breathing thing became difficult. I really did NOT want this to happen today, clearly I have no choice, but still! I just wanted to have a happy day while remembering her and eat cake. So when I reminded Dirty what day it was, he suggested I stay home and just have a day to myself. I protested a bit because I feel like I should be productive one of these years on her birth and death day, but this year isn't going to be it. Maybe next year, or maybe not. We'll see.

So far this morning, I've cried a few times, made a cake, got SO much support from everyone and listened to her song and cried some more. I just want the pain to lessen a little bit more. In time I suppose.

Happy birthday mom, I'll raise my glass to you tonight, sing you happy birthday, and eat some cake all the while thinking about what a great mom you were and are. Thank you for the 30 years you gave me. They were perfect in every way, just like you.
Love and miss you!

18 friends have commented:

Joy on November 2, 2010 at 10:27 AM said...

Thinking of you. I understand how you feel. It would have been my moms birthday nov 8, I wonder what I should do for that day. She would have been 55.
xoxo-Raelene

PS- I love that you made a cake.

Suzy, Not a Fertile Myrtle on November 2, 2010 at 10:28 AM said...

Hugs sweetie. Enjoy the cake in honor of your Mom.

My Dad's birthday is next month and I understand how difficult these things can be.

Lots of love to you and your family today!!

Miss Ruby on November 2, 2010 at 10:40 AM said...

Sending you big squishy hugs my friend. I know how painful days like today are and know that you're not alone as you remember her, we're all here for you in every way possible.

Your Mum would be so so so proud of you.

Love you

xxx

Quiet Dreams on November 2, 2010 at 12:13 PM said...

Hugs, hugs, and more hugs. Much love going out to you and your family. Happy Birthday, Dani's mom. Thank you for giving us Dani.

Summer {Bisfor...} on November 2, 2010 at 12:14 PM said...

i am so sorry. i dread the holidays and his birthday when it comes. maybe we can still throw him a 60th?

Danielle on November 2, 2010 at 12:16 PM said...

I am so proud of the steps you're taking today. It's ok to cry and it's ok to miss her. It is also ok to celebrate her and smile! She gave the world an amazing person (YOU) and we should all be thankful to her for that! Love you tons honey!!!

JJ on November 2, 2010 at 1:42 PM said...

Thinking of you all today--lots and lots of hugs!

My name is Andy. on November 2, 2010 at 5:34 PM said...

What a beautiful tribute.
{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}

Kristin on November 2, 2010 at 8:15 PM said...

{{{Hugs}}} my friend...thinking of you and celebrating your mom.

Stacie on November 2, 2010 at 10:07 PM said...

Sending loads of love your way. These days are so hard...

Thinking of you and your family. I'm especially thinking of your mom and what an amazing woman she had to have been to have such an amazing daughter. She would be so proud of you!

WiseGuy on November 3, 2010 at 1:19 AM said...

Hugs, D.

I hope your mom has eternal peace.

I also read the letter you wrote to your dudhead sister, and I think it expresses its point well...if only your sis could actually read the shit she has been serving to everybody around her.

Jamie on November 5, 2010 at 12:53 PM said...

Hugs to you. I think the pain will lessen. Of course it will always hurt, but I hope for you not as bad as time passes. Gradually the hurt will be replaced by a celebration of the time you had with your Mom and what an amazing mother and role model she was for you and your family.

Dolli-Mama on November 5, 2010 at 8:52 PM said...

Beautiful. Hugs.

CanadianMama on November 8, 2010 at 5:29 PM said...

Eat cake and take care of yourself today! Big Hugs friend :)

Serendipity on November 9, 2010 at 4:17 AM said...

been thinking of you all week, sending you loads of love.

xxx K

raisingmiles on November 9, 2010 at 1:17 PM said...

Happy Belated Birthday Mom.

Dora on November 13, 2010 at 7:12 PM said...

Soooo behind on my blog reading. Never mind that I have zero time to read my Twitter feed.

I'm glad you did what you needed to get through the day. I know this is really painful for you, but I so love reading about your relationship with your mom. I have such a difficult one with mine, and was nervous about the whole mother/daughter thing with Sunshine. You make me feel more confident that I can build a lasting close relationship with my girl. Mwah!!

Mama Melissa on November 15, 2010 at 7:26 PM said...

Hey girlie!!! How are you doing? How's school?

How did you spend the day remembering your Mom's birthday? I hope you are ok!!!!

HUGS,
Melissa

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