Oct 30, 2010

Dear Sister

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
My dad won't let me call her, he thinks it won't do any good. So instead I'll write her a letter here and vent to my dad and Dirty about how I feel, despite them knowing and feeling pretty much the same way.

Dear Sister,
As much as I don't look at you as a sister anymore and don't think that word fits you, calling you a "meth whore" right from the beginning will not only stop you from reading this letter. And I NEED you to read this letter.

When I was little, I thought you and the rest of my older siblings, were SO cool. Y'all got to go to the park by yourselves and went to a big school. Y'all didn't have to have mom and dad take you everywhere. Soon, however I realized how not cool you all were. Tim was old enough to have a job, but never worked. Lori was old enough to work and of course didn't, either. You were suppose to go to school, but you were always skipping. You three were always downstairs doing your thing, while Lil Sis and I were upstairs playing Barbies or listening to music. When MY dad would go on his business trips, he would always bring you guys something back too. But that was never good enough for you. You were bound and determined to make him feel bad when he got home for whatever reason. While you never harmed Lil Sis or myself, it was very clear you didn't like us. The good thing is we were too young to realize it and still looked up to you three.

As I got older, I could see what type of person you were. Not just you, the others as well. I know Tim stole MY dad's camera, I know he also stole my necklace that Dirty gave me when he was in the Navy. I've also heard that you and Lori treated MY dad like shit. Which, btw, I will NEVER understand because he is the most gentle man in the world. He came into your life when you were 5, basically rescued you and our mom from an abusive man, yet you treated him like shit almost every day. It was and is not his fault your dad was a douche bag. It is also not my fault that we have different fathers and mine is a better man then yours could ever be.

Anyway when you had your son, we really had a connection. We spent that whole summer before together, it was so fun! We planned, shopped, and laughed so much. Then the newness of having a baby wore off and the reality set in. You got a job, so you said, and were gone more then you were home. Mom, dad, Lil sis, and I raised him while you were working. Granted I don't know what it's like to be a single mother and I could be wrong here, but I doubt it. I don't think you were working, I think you were out with your friends while all of us tended to your baby. Then you changed because you met Scott. You two got married and had a great life, on the outside. On the inside there was a lot of drinking, drugs, and infidelity. It wasn't ALL your fault, I'll give you that but it wasn't all his fault either. Once you left him, everything went to hell. You went off your God damn rocker! You left your son with Dirty and I for 2 days, we had NO idea where the fuck you were, nor did we have his asthma medication. Thank God you have an amazing family, if not, I don't even WANT to think what would have happened to that sweet innocent blue eyed little boy. You did have great timing and picked great people to leave him with. Dirty and I didn't have children yet and mom and dad were able to watch YOUR son, so between the 4 of us, we did a damn good job.

When I got pregnant with Nae you were very judgmental and condescending, you couldn't BELIEVE I was pregnant so young. When I told you the first words out of your mouth were "is this a joke?!" Really? I wasn't really THAT young and I had been with Dirty for about 3 years at the time. Anyway, that's not really a big deal, compared to everything else you've done. The conversations Dirty and I had about parenting because of you are what made us the parents we are today. I guess I should thank you for that, but I won't because I shouldn't have to learn how NOT to be a parent from my own sister.

What has pissed me off the most is when I had to tell Nae that she wasn't allowed to spend time with you anymore because of your drug use. You had borrowed mom and dad's car and didn't bring it back when you were suppose too. Mom and dad got pissed off, rightly so, and you all got into it at Nae's 3rd birthday party. Mom and dad took it downstairs so as not to upset Nae but the damage had already been done. From that point on, Dirty and I decided you weren't going to be spending ANY time with Nae. The conversation we had to have with YOUR niece was horrible. 10 years later, I can't still remember her words and the look on her face. She was devastated that she couldn't spend time with her "Tante Tricia" anymore. After that conversation Dirty and I had with her, we vowed to keep you and your shit far, far away from her and any future children we might have.

After we had Zilla, we allowed you to come over to see him because you had gotten your shit together, for the moment. Then mom got sick and we all rallied together as a family to help dad and make sure dad could get to the hospital or the nursing home to see her. When that became just TOO much for you to do, you thought stealing their car would be a good idea. Classy move. But my favorite? Was when you basically stole from my dad while our mother was in the hospital dying of cancer. Yep, that was pretty low of you. It was then and there I realized, or rather, it became more obvious that you will never change. So when we had to make the decision to take mom off life support, you were bawling and freaking out, I, your LITTLE sister by 7 years stood up and took charge. I did everything from telling the nurse our decision to buying the urn. I didn't do it for you, I did it for MY dad. I did it because it's what needed to be done and I am OK with it. I don't want you to say thank you, nor do I want a pat on the back for doing what family does for one another. I just want you to know how every one of your fucked up decisions have effected every one's life as well.

Going through mom's jewelry was hard enough, but you telling me most of it was "costume jewelry"? That was IT! We kind of got into it that night, but I still held my tongue because we were in my dad's house holding and looking at his DEAD wife's jewelry. Going off on you would have only made things worse for him, even though you totally fucking deserved.

I could go on and on for pages upon pages but rehashing all of your fuck ups won't make them any better. It won't serve any other purpose other then making you feel bad, which is a bonus, but it won't last for long. I know you too well. So let me say it simply so you don't get confused.

I don't want you in my life. I don't even CARE if you get clean and want to make amends, I will not accept it. Yes I know family is suppose to be there for each other all the time, well I'm breaking that rule. I don't want your poison anywhere near me or my children. Yes, MY children, not your "babies". You don't even KNOW Zilla and haven't seen either of them in YEARS. Even if I were to leave out my children and my husband, there would still be my dad. I don't want you anywhere near him, either. But mostly this is for me. If I never speak or see you again, I will be just fine with that. Harsh? Probably so. Mean? Oh I am sure of it. But ask me if I care? The answer is no. You have hurt me, Lil Sis, mom, my dad, and everyone else too many times for me to take the chance on you again. There is TOO much to lose. I will protect this family till I die and if that means writing you off, I'll do it with a fucking smile on my face. Trust me on this Tricia. Stay away!

~Your little sister that once thought you did no wrong, but now knows the truth.

10 friends have commented:

Miss Ruby on October 31, 2010 at 2:27 AM said...

Feel better? Writing does wonders for the soul - even if she never reads it or you never send it, it's out there now and no longer bottled up.

It hurts when family fucks you over.

Big hugs my friend


xxx

My name is Andy. on October 31, 2010 at 6:25 AM said...

{{{{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Jamie on October 31, 2010 at 7:42 AM said...

That has to feel good to get that all out on paper.

I can understand why your Dad doesn't want you to call her but I still wish you could get some closure. And I still think ending this relationship would be the best for your whole family.

Sending you much love, sweetie.

Serendipity on October 31, 2010 at 8:54 AM said...

*hugs* sending loads of love your way xxx

Mama Melissa on November 1, 2010 at 9:09 AM said...

big hugs.... our families can be so messed up, huh? but then we have to create our new lives...surround ourselves with love, like you've done. and that helps. it doesn't erase the pain, and we've got to deal with that. and i'm glad you are.

much peace and hugs,
melissa

Mrs. Gamgee on November 1, 2010 at 1:03 PM said...

Family can be so challenging. Sending many hugs your way!

Quiet Dreams on November 1, 2010 at 2:31 PM said...

Writing these kinds of letters has always been really helpful to me.

The truth is, even if you called her, it might not change anything. It's so frustrating when so much is out of your control.

Once A Mother on November 2, 2010 at 10:10 AM said...

sending loads of hugs your way, and hoping that with every word you typed, you felt the burden that your sister has put on you lift a bit. Some people can't be helped, and it is not your job to drown trying.

also, please know I am thinking of you as you remember your mom on her birthday.

xx

Danielle on November 2, 2010 at 12:14 PM said...

I sure hope this letter makes it to her somehow. As I have told you before, I think you are doing the best thing my not letting her around your children. They do not need that negativity in their lives. You are a strong, strong woman and you do not deserve to get hurt over and over by someone who does not care! You do what you have to to protect your family!!! Keep at it hone!!

JJ on November 2, 2010 at 1:45 PM said...

Im so sorry this has been such a negative situation for you! Hoping it all gets resolved in the best way possible!

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