Its been almost 5 years since my life changed forever. Its been almost 2 years since I finally stopped running away from the pain. Its been a long time since I've felt anything but pain. It feels like I am on the road to healing, or maybe closer to actually BEING healed.
After spending some time with my thoughts and feelings about my mom being here, in my house, I am OK. It's good that she's here, I accept it. I accept her death, now. My heart knows that she won't come back and I won't be able to physically see her again. This doesn't mean that I won't have moments of sadness, but after this weekend, I feel OK. I think my soul has healed a little. Nothing can ever heal the part of my soul that was damaged the day she died, but I know I can soften the sting a bit.
Saturday I went to the coast with Peaches and her roommate. We had a great time shopping, laughing, and getting poured on. We got a little bummed when neither of us could find a purse at Coach and decided on a whim to get tattoos! At first I didn't want a tattoo, I wanted to get my nose pierced. The more I thought about it, the more I did want a tattoo. I wanted to get a tattoo for my mom. Not a memorial tattoo per se, but something that means something to me. Nothing huge but something simple. I had thought about getting a lung cancer ribbon, but then Peaches asked me "wouldn't you rather get something that reminds you of your mom rather then of her death?" She made a really good point. I need to remember her and not her death. Her death does not define her life, no matter what caused her death. She and her life are more then lung cancer and the strokes.
Last week was a very emotional week but I think I made HUGE progress. I'm very proud of myself for facing these blocks and going past them instead of allowing them to hold me back. I did do some crying Saturday night, but it felt good to let those tears out. I never feel good crying, but I did after I got home. Best part? My dad approved! I thought for sure he was going to hate it, but he really likes it!
I did good!