Oct 11, 2010

Let The Healing FINALLY Begin

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Its been almost 5 years since my life changed forever. Its been almost 2 years since I finally stopped running away from the pain. Its been a long time since I've felt anything but pain. It feels like I am on the road to healing, or maybe closer to actually BEING healed.

After spending some time with my thoughts and feelings about my mom being here, in my house, I am OK. It's good that she's here, I accept it. I accept her death, now. My heart knows that she won't come back and I won't be able to physically see her again. This doesn't mean that I won't have moments of sadness, but after this weekend, I feel OK. I think my soul has healed a little. Nothing can ever heal the part of my soul that was damaged the day she died, but I know I can soften the sting a bit.

Saturday I went to the coast with Peaches and her roommate. We had a great time shopping, laughing, and getting poured on. We got a little bummed when neither of us could find a purse at Coach and decided on a whim to get tattoos! At first I didn't want a tattoo, I wanted to get my nose pierced. The more I thought about it, the more I did want a tattoo. I wanted to get a tattoo for my mom. Not a memorial tattoo per se, but something that means something to me. Nothing huge but something simple. I had thought about getting a lung cancer ribbon, but then Peaches asked me "wouldn't you rather get something that reminds you of your mom rather then of her death?" She made a really good point. I need to remember her and not her death. Her death does not define her life, no matter what caused her death. She and her life are more then lung cancer and the strokes.

So....I got a tattoo on the inside of my left wrist. It's on the small side and I absolutely LOVE it! It's perfect. I got an outline of a forget-me-not, one of her favorite flowers and one that's always reminded me of her. I might get it colored in later, but as of right now, I am 100% happy with it. I feel very at peace with my decision, I feel settled. It was the right thing to do.

Last week was a very emotional week but I think I made HUGE progress. I'm very proud of myself for facing these blocks and going past them instead of allowing them to hold me back. I did do some crying Saturday night, but it felt good to let those tears out. I never feel good crying, but I did after I got home. Best part? My dad approved! I thought for sure he was going to hate it, but he really likes it!

I did good!

11 friends have commented:

Anonymous said...

What a great way to honor your mom!

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) on October 11, 2010 at 12:25 PM said...

I love the tattoo! beautiful. And what a great memorial. I'm so happy for you that you're finding some deep healing and finding beautiful ways to keep the memory of your mom and her beauty and her love always with you. xoxoxo!

nancy on October 11, 2010 at 3:07 PM said...

I'm glad that the pain is softening a bit for you. That's huge for your road to recovery.

A huge YAY for your tattoo. I love it! :)

Miss Ruby on October 11, 2010 at 3:52 PM said...

Just beautiful!

I've got a memorial tatt of sorts on my inner right arm for my Dad, who also died of lung cancer.


Sheliza on October 11, 2010 at 5:52 PM said...

Very sweet tatt for a sweet woman. I mean that.

Quiet Dreams on October 11, 2010 at 7:18 PM said...

Perfect. I hope it brings you joy every time you see it.

Serendipity on October 13, 2010 at 4:46 AM said...

the tattoo is beautiful, it's a beautiful way to remmber you mum. I'm so glad you're finding more and more peace xxx

CanadianMama on October 13, 2010 at 10:06 AM said...

Hey, it's like your mom is now your right hand man...except on your left wrist! Okay, lame jokes aside I love the tattoo and I'm so happy for you! I just always think you are so amazing and when my mom passes I hope I can handle it in such a healthy way!

Mama Melissa on October 13, 2010 at 12:34 PM said...

love it!!! :)

i lost a newphew (at 1.5 year old) and i have a butterfly tattoo (same as my sister's) in rememberance...

let the healing continue. :)


Joy on October 14, 2010 at 9:39 AM said...

It's beautiful :)

Jamie on October 18, 2010 at 6:54 PM said...

I love it!!

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