Oct 7, 2010

Today Was THE Day

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Since my dad moved in, I've been wondering when my mom's ashes were coming. I had mentioned it to him before and he never really gave me a definite answer, nor did I press him for one. Apparently the day was Tuesday when he came back from Lil Sis' house. Although......I wasn't aware of this until this morning when I was downstairs talking to him. I was sitting on the floor petting the dog and ca, talking to dad, I look over at the coffee table and there it is. My mom's urn. The one Dirty and I bought and I held in my lap from the crematorium to the church the day of her funeral. I couldn't breathe, let alone finish my sentence. I stammered a few "ummms" and "uuuhhhhs" and finally finished whatever I was saying, which now I can't really remember. I didn't get up and run upstairs, but I excused myself before I started to cry. I still can't cry in front of my dad, the look on his face will break my heart, I just know it.

I was texting Danielle and told her what I just saw. Let me just tell you how amazing she is! She said all the right things and handled my grief and shock great! Seriously, I can't thank her enough. I know it's really difficult to handle another person's grief. You never know what to say and always question if what you said was right or not, but Danielle? She has always been great, especially today. She told me to breath and encouraged me to talk to Dirty. And I did just that.

My voice was shaky as were my hands and I really was having a hard time catching my breath but I told him what was going on. Having my mom here now, as physically as she can be, is rough. I can't really pretend that all of this didn't happen when there is hard core evidence that she is dead. All I have to do is go downstairs and see her urn. She's here.

I'm a little shell shocked but I know that I am OK. This is the last step for me. The last step in true acceptance of my mom's death. Right now, in this moment? I am sad. I miss my mom so much right now that it hurts. But I can also look at it that we are all together again, as a family; just like Dirty said. I haven't lived with my parents in years, and I never thought I would again. If I had thought about it, I sure wouldn't have thought this is how it was going to be, but it is what it is.

So far I've told four people (thank you Heather for your love) and while it isn't any easier each time, I feel my heart open a little each time. Every word I've typed I get a little more light into my soul. I've lived in the darkest place for so long that the light can be blinding and scary for me. It's a slow process but I know that moving to the warmth of the many that love me is what I need to do. I NEED that warmth, I NEED those kind words, warm hugs and the encouragement that this is right. The hiding and being scared isn't. Yes, the books tell you that talking to your family and friends is a very good thing. Hell even my therapist said that too, but I just couldn't let go and give my fragile soul to others. I felt the NEED to protect myself from more pain, despite KNOWING the people that I am talking about (YOU) will not hurt me.

I'm falling into the arms of love and basking in the warmth. There will be times when I will run back to my dark place, but I know, now, that I am much happier in the light of my family and friends. I'm taking deep breaths and embracing the helping hand.

13 friends have commented:

Miss Ruby on October 7, 2010 at 3:55 PM said...

It's good that you have that support network to fall back on hon and they ARE there for you. Sometimes in situations like these, talking is the step that will break the darkness and allow the light in but it can be a hard step to take, especially when you're used to living in that darkness.

I envy you my friend, I'm still very much encased in darkness.

Big hugs


nancy on October 7, 2010 at 4:10 PM said...

Oh hunny. ~hugs~ We are here for you. Everyone loves you.

My name is Andy. on October 7, 2010 at 5:16 PM said...


kate on October 7, 2010 at 6:38 PM said...

Wow, what a powerfully emotional time this must be for you. I'm glad you are able to feel some sense of acceptance, some peace with having your mom's ashes in your house. This is a good thing, and I think Dirty's on track by feeling that you are all together again as a family.

I'm sending you a ton of hugs and love and peace right now!!!

Kristin on October 7, 2010 at 6:57 PM said...

Oh sweetie...I can only imagine how hard it must have been and still is. My thoughts are with you and I wish I was close enough to give you a hug. Remember I am only a phone call or text message away.

Quiet Dreams on October 8, 2010 at 8:26 AM said...

Many, many hugs. I can't imagine what you must be feeling.

I hope that the time comes when her "presence" is a comfort to you.

Danielle on October 8, 2010 at 12:06 PM said...

I can not say enough times how proud of you I am. I am so very proud of the way you handled things and the way you opened up. Each day you prove to me what a strong woman you are. I am blessed to have you as a friend and you will always have my support 100%! Much much love!!!!!

Mrs. Gamgee on October 8, 2010 at 5:29 PM said...

I think you handled a tough and surprising situation very well! Sending many hugs and prayers!

JJ on October 8, 2010 at 7:48 PM said...

Do you get tired of me saying how incredibly awesome you are :) Cause you are! You are a strong, strong woman!

~Jess on October 9, 2010 at 8:01 AM said...

I can only imagine the shock and pain that was brought to the surface for you again...hopefully you will be able to creep back into the light and as another poster said have her presence, and that of all your family, be a comfort to you.

Jamie on October 9, 2010 at 8:02 PM said...

What a powerful, emotional moment. I can see how it would catch your breath in your chest!

You deserve nothing less than love, encouragement and warmth. You are a wonderful, strong woman. There is no rulebook or guidelines for how to grieve the loss of your Mom or how you're supposed to live your life without her. I know she would be so very proud of you.

Joy on October 11, 2010 at 8:08 AM said...

Sending you big hugs.
I have had my moms ashes since she passed and they actually comfort me. We all have our separate keepsake urns we all got to choose and then my dad chose a spot that she loved and we scattered the rest there. Sometimes, when I miss her so much I hold her urn next to my hear and it's almost (almost!!) like giving her a hug.

xoxoxox stay strong.

Mischief Maker on October 16, 2010 at 3:23 PM said...

So jealous of the tattoo! Love you miss you!

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