May 26, 2008

In life, comes joy and pain

Musings of A Beautiful Mess

As, I'm sure we all know all to well, life can be joyous and life can be painful.

In my short 32 years on this planet I have had A LOT of joy. I have had pain, as well, but you can't have one without the other. I have watched my parents struggle to give my sister and I an education. I watched my dad work 2 jobs to get us through private school, pay bills, AND have a great Christmas. I was younger and didn't appreciate the situation they were in. I've watched my older sisters struggle with drug use and put our mother and my father through hell. I watched my older brother abandon his son after a few years because of drugs. I also watched those same people blame MY mother and father (their step dad) for the way THEY lived their life. My dad, not only took them in and treated them as his own biological children, but he also gave them as much as he gave to my little sister and I. He did this because he loved my mom and the children that came with her. In turn, for his kindness he was lied to, stolen from, taken advantage of, and told he treated them different then he did my little sister and I. If he did treat them differently it was only because they were SO much older them Adrianna and I. Not, because he loved them any less. My father in a kind man. He would never do anything but treat them well. Even when they told him horrible things, he would still love them. He still loves them, even though they think differently.

I watched my family fall apart when my mother died. I also watched us rally together and help each other grieve and accept this tragedy. I watched our extended family support my family with love and support.I witnessed how important events in lives bring families together. I saw our family fly from other parts of the country to be with us. I saw people that didn't know my mom, send cards, emails or flowers to us. Something beautiful happens, even in the darkest hours of our lives.

I watched my husband's family grieve when their Rock passed on. I watched my husband grieve and feel guilty for his Grandfather's passing. I watched my mother in law lose her father. I sat next to her mother during the funeral and could FEEL her sadness even though people said "she doesn't really understand". It doesn't matter how lucid one is or not, you always know when your spouse passes on. I watched this strong woman with the strong mind, albeit frail body, give her grand kids kind words of support. I learned from her and my mother in law. I learned to believe in the power of prayer and forgiveness. I also learned to be thankful for each and every day that I wake up breathing and the times I can help Nana understand why her body won't work anymore.

I watched the face of my husband as his daughter came into this world. I watched the tears of joy stream down his face. I also watched his eyes sigh with relief when our daughter came into this world a healthy girl. I watched the eyes of everyone who held her. I could see the thoughts and the hope of this new life in our sometimes dark world.

I saw that our lives take turns we don't expect. I looked at the "plus" sign on that pregnancy test after I thought I was never going to see one of my own again and cried tears of joy. I watched my belly grow, I watched my daughter as she got the nursery ready for her baby brother. I remember SO clearly, as he was coming into this world, looking into my mother's eyes and her knowing EXACTLY what I was going through at the time. I don't remember any pain in that moment, it was just my mother giving me the courage as another mother whom did the same thing not too long ago.

Everyone's lives will have tears of joy and tears of pain. We've had a lot of tears of joy. We have, also had tears of pain. Thank God we have had more joy then pain in our lives. Although, I think the time has come for the tears of pain again. I'm not looking forward to the pain that will come with any changes in our lives that may come. I am looking forward to showing my children that no matter what happens, we will help each other through the tragedies and be stronger in the end.

I pray for the strength to be there for my husband and our family when the time comes. I have a feeling the time will come sooner rather then later. I am not fragile, I am strong. I will be emotional, but that doesn't mean I am weak. I won't break. I will bend, but NEVER break! I will be there for my mother in law when she looks around at her life and sees that both of her parents have passed on. I know, she will do the same for me.

Heres to the tears of joy and the tears of pain. I wish for more tears of joy then pain, but life is life.
Take care

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