Ignorance is Bliss

..That is unless you're the one who is being subjected to the ignorance. Then, it's frustrating!

I voted the other night! I did my research on the candidates, all of em! I looked at the arguments for and against all the measures on the ballot and I think I did really good job of thinking about how a "yes" or "no" vote would effect my life. My daughter even got into it. They've had a few "elections" at her school and has told us many times who she would vote for. Not just for president, either. I don't know if it was "legal" or the "right" thing to do, but her and I voted together. The votes were all mine, but we read through each measure and discussed. She had a lot of questions, which I thought was AWESOME! I love that she was so interested in whom I was voting for and why. Some of her questions, I had a tough time answering, but thank Goddess for Google!

There were a few measures about school, garbage bills and such, but none on health care. I was disappointed by this because I have some experience in the health care field. Not only did I work in the field, I've also been on the receiving end of bad health care.

When I was first diagnosed with PID *Pelvic Inflammatory Disease* about 10 years ago, it was TERRIBLE! I had never had a bladder infection before that, nor did I ever have a kidney infection. I am very aware of my body. I know when things aren't "right". I know when I'm getting a bladder infection and I know how to get rid of it before it gets too bad. I can usually heal myself with over the counter remedies or natural remedies. SO that night that Husband took me to the hospital because I was in so much pain and they found blood in my urine and the stupid nurse held up the vial and said "oh that's not good", I was scared! I started crying hysterically and Husband got rid of that nurse and he wasn't allowed back into my room. I went to get an ultrasound and they left me int he room, in the dark, in a wheelchair by myself as my pain meds wore off. I remember doubling over in pain laying on the cold floor crawling to the door needing help. Why Husband wasn't there, I don't remember. Now he is there with me ALL the time!

Once we got the diagnosis and my meds, we still didn't really have an answers. For the next 2 years or so, we dealt with bladder infections, kidney infections, ALL kinds of anti-biotics to get me better. NOTHING was working! Finally they got to the root of the problem. I had an infection in the LINING of my uterus. That infection was screwing everything else up in that area. None of the medication they gave me for the bladder and kidney infections touched the OTHER infection. FINALLY we got rid of it and all was well. I was left with a "touchy" reproductive system and a fragile immune system.

During the time when I was TRYING to fix all these female problems, I'd go to doctors, specialist and seen about every doctor in my area that was a "specialist" in this area of my body. During the visits I would get a certain question EVERY. SINGLE. TIME! And every time I got this question, I'd get pissed off! That question was "Have you been tested for an STD?" Apparently PID can be caused by a few STD's that are left untreated. At every appointment, I told them I was married and in a monogamous relationship, but still they ask me this question. I understand why they're asking me the question, but is it too much to ask for them to look in my damn file?! I know it's there! I k now it's there because when I was in the ER the FIRST time, she nurse asked me the same question. I told her, "oh if you do those tests and they come back positive, you're gonna want to talk to that guy right THERE" and pointed at Husband. He didn't think it was funny, but I think I made my point. She did the tests and they came back NEGATIVE! Yeah, so no STD's for me. After being asked this question a BUNCH of times, I told my Dr that I don't have an STD, just PID. He kind of chuckled at me and said, "you don't ALWAYS have an STD when you get PID, sometimes having a vagina is enough". I should have gotten that in writing, because it would have been helpful 10 years later...

So in July when I went to the ER and the nurse told me I had PID, again, I was frustrated because I knew what was coming. I knew it was going to be Dr's appointments full of that question. And sure enough...when I called for a check up after I had finished all my meds, I got it.

I called the office and told her "I was diagnosed with PID and just finished my meds and needed an exam to make sure the infection was gone". Her first question was "did your partner get tested as well?" I was prepared for this question, so my answer was BRILLIANT! I said "He doesn't have a uterus, so, no he didn't get tested" She transferred me to a nurse. I immediately told the nurse that I was diagnosed with PID, but did NOT have an STD. She was one of the few that new the two didn't always go hand in hand...thank Goddess!!!

I understand the reason for the question, but I don't understand why they're so many inattentive people in health care. I don't understand why nurses and doctors can't read a file, skim it even. I don't expect every doctor I see to know my EXACT history, but maybe the important parts, like if I've had an STD test and not to ask me every single time I'm in their office.

I doubt a measure on my ballot will change this particular health care issue of mine, but maybe for more int he future. I do think it is important for doctors and nurses to read files. I k now I read them when I worked in the field and all I was, was a receptionist! I did get to wear scrubs though, so I LOOKED like I was important, when really all I did was answer phones...hehehe

I am grateful, I really am!

It's no secret it's been a rough year for me. I did a lot of things this year I had to do, but never wanted to do. Now that the year is coming to a close, I'm finding that I'm being kind of a whinny bitch. I don't want to fall into a hole of depression, but at the same time I don't want to tramp all these emotions down. So my solution is to look at what I am grateful for. I do have a lot and I don't always have to dwell on the negative. Focusing on the positive doesn't mean I am not paying attention to my sadness, it just means that I am looking at it from a different point of view. So here I go...

I am grateful for my family. Even though times aren't as easy as I thought they were going to be, they are looking up.

I am grateful that Zilla is FINALLY catching up with the other children in his class.

I am grateful that Nae is getting almost all A's in her classes. Only one B.

I am grateful that my sister is living with my dad and will continue to do so.

I am grateful that I can look down at my hands and remember my mom without crying.

I am grateful for our new house.

I am grateful that I have the opportunity to go for walks around my house and look at all the beautiful tress and scenery around the pathways.

I am grateful that my children have insurance and can go to the doctor if/when needed.

I am grateful that I got to spend some time with my best friend last week.

I am grateful that I am able to email one of my best friends to plan an outing in the coming weeks.

I am grateful for this blog and all the amazing woman I have met through having this blog and making it "open".

And finally, I am grateful for myself. I can do what I put my mind to. No matter how small it may look to someone else. It matters to me and that is important!

What If?

I try really hard not to think about all the "what if's". It can make me crazy. Today, however, that's all I can think about.

I went on a walk for about 2 hours and just walked. I listened to my music and thought about the other day when we were in the truck and I rolled down the window and noticed my hands look like my mom's. That thought didn't make me cry, it made me smile. When I didn't break down into uncontrollable sobs, THAT made me feel bad. I knew this day was going to come. Husband and I have talked about it before and we figured it might feel like losing her all over again. It didn't though. It kind of felt neat to look down at my hands and see my mom's hands.

That thought process in my head, lead me to think about what would happen if she were still alive. Would she be helping me clean and organize the new place? Would she be the one whom I called this week when I was in such a bad mood, I stormed out of a store when one of my best friends made some smart ass comment that would have been funny the day before? What IF she were still here? Would they be living in Sisters or would they still be living in Vancouver? Would Zilla know his Oma like his Nana? Would be be able to SEE her instead of looking up to the sky when he talks about her? Would her and my dad come to Nae's volleyball games if she were still alive? Would I have been able to handle Zilla's first night staying at a friend's house as well as I am now? THEN that thought leads to this one...and this one is the one that's so full of my "what if's"

What if we would have never gotten pregnant with Zilla? Would our lives be like they are right now*he's staying the night at a friend's house*? Just an 11 year old girl full of stories about her day at school and no 5 year old boy bouncing off the walls? Would the house feel as empty as it does now? What if I wouldn't have had those 2 miscarriages and actually given birth to those 2 babies? Would we have chosen to not have anymore children after the 2nd child was born? Would that child have been a boy or a girl? Would I be a mom to an 11 year old girl and a 9 year old girl or boy right now?

What if I was never scared of telling people I was pregnant? What would it be like to be my friend who got her nursery ready almost as soon as she was pregnant? What if my pregnancies were "easy" pregnancies? Would we have more children? What if none of my pregnancies were full of words like "genetic counselor" and "death plans" AND a birth plans? What if I didn't have to joke about my uterus being inhabitable and it was just that, a joke and not the truth?

What if that evening ,a few months ago, that Zilla lost me and walked the 2 blocks to our house and didn't make it? What would I have done? Would I have dealt with it like my mom's death and buried it for years? What if Husband and I thought that a marriage is just too much work and went our separate ways 8 years ago? What if Nae was an only child with a divorced mother and father?

It's a wonder how I remember anything on days like these when all these thoughts are running through my head.

BITCHY!!!!

Yep, that's EXACTLY what I am the past few days. I've read on another blog where she uses the term "mean and stabby" and I never really understood it until yesterday! OMG I was so mean and stabby! So mean and stabby, in fact that I got into it with my friend at a store and walked out. But then felt like an idiot because I don't live right up the street anymore and needed to get a ride home. Of course I didn't ask HER for the ride home. I called another friend and she came and picked me up. In my non PMS'y mind I knew I was being irrational and overreacted, but in my PMS induced rage I was justified by saying something not very nice and storming out of the store like a 4 year old *sigh* I fail!

I apologized to her and told her I know I wasn't very nice *not my exact words* and I'm sorry. We hugged and all is well.

Then Husband and I got into it today. UHG, I just feel like strangling someone right now. I'm not sure why. All I know is that if I don't get my hands around some one's throat I might explode. Which, come to think about it, might not be a bad thing for humanity.

Maybe I need to go to the doc and see if having PID in July and an ovarian cyst has something to do with these cramps I've had the past few months....It seems as if they've gotten worse since July. Or maybe it's just stress this month. Who the hell knows! Why does it have to be so damn complicated to be a woman?! I don't get it.

*End Slience*

We are FINALLY moved! The house is AWESOME! I am so in live with the neighborhood and the house. We are getting on a schedule and trying to adapt to Husband not working, but waking up early to take the children to school. We're getting there.

There has been a lot of cleaning and organizing to do. It's really sweet that everyone wants to help, but there is no way that they will get this place "Danielle Clean". It's not that it's trashed, it's just that the baseboards need to be cleaned and the nooks and crannys all need to be scrubbed!

I did take a break today and go for a nice long walk/run. The weather was beautiful today and the path is so peaceful. I am just SO in love with this part of the city. It might have changed my view of this city. I haven't ever felt like it was "home", not it kinda does *crosses fingers*

Tomorrow my best friend is coming to stay with us so she can have a visit with her children. So after she does that, we're getting a bottle *or 2* of wine and having a stay in night. I can not wait! I am SO excited!!!!

Hope everyone is doing well!