What If?

I try really hard not to think about all the "what if's". It can make me crazy. Today, however, that's all I can think about.

I went on a walk for about 2 hours and just walked. I listened to my music and thought about the other day when we were in the truck and I rolled down the window and noticed my hands look like my mom's. That thought didn't make me cry, it made me smile. When I didn't break down into uncontrollable sobs, THAT made me feel bad. I knew this day was going to come. Husband and I have talked about it before and we figured it might feel like losing her all over again. It didn't though. It kind of felt neat to look down at my hands and see my mom's hands.

That thought process in my head, lead me to think about what would happen if she were still alive. Would she be helping me clean and organize the new place? Would she be the one whom I called this week when I was in such a bad mood, I stormed out of a store when one of my best friends made some smart ass comment that would have been funny the day before? What IF she were still here? Would they be living in Sisters or would they still be living in Vancouver? Would Zilla know his Oma like his Nana? Would be be able to SEE her instead of looking up to the sky when he talks about her? Would her and my dad come to Nae's volleyball games if she were still alive? Would I have been able to handle Zilla's first night staying at a friend's house as well as I am now? THEN that thought leads to this one...and this one is the one that's so full of my "what if's"

What if we would have never gotten pregnant with Zilla? Would our lives be like they are right now*he's staying the night at a friend's house*? Just an 11 year old girl full of stories about her day at school and no 5 year old boy bouncing off the walls? Would the house feel as empty as it does now? What if I wouldn't have had those 2 miscarriages and actually given birth to those 2 babies? Would we have chosen to not have anymore children after the 2nd child was born? Would that child have been a boy or a girl? Would I be a mom to an 11 year old girl and a 9 year old girl or boy right now?

What if I was never scared of telling people I was pregnant? What would it be like to be my friend who got her nursery ready almost as soon as she was pregnant? What if my pregnancies were "easy" pregnancies? Would we have more children? What if none of my pregnancies were full of words like "genetic counselor" and "death plans" AND a birth plans? What if I didn't have to joke about my uterus being inhabitable and it was just that, a joke and not the truth?

What if that evening ,a few months ago, that Zilla lost me and walked the 2 blocks to our house and didn't make it? What would I have done? Would I have dealt with it like my mom's death and buried it for years? What if Husband and I thought that a marriage is just too much work and went our separate ways 8 years ago? What if Nae was an only child with a divorced mother and father?

It's a wonder how I remember anything on days like these when all these thoughts are running through my head.