Strength

****HA! I spelled "strength" wrong. Fixed now. Damn this club hand...lol****

I haven't been feeling very strong as of late. It's really easy, for me, to feel quite weak the past month or so. Since I injured my hand, I've had to ask for help with just about everything. Dirty has to wash my hair, help me put on my robe, get dressed, pretty much everything. Because of all of this, I haven't felt very strong at all.
As I was getting caught up on all my blogs, I saw all these "strength" pictures. Lindsay was hosting a Friday photo challenge. The first assignment was to take a picture of strength. I wanted to join in the fun, but I couldn't see anything that could be viewed as strong. I thought about taking a picture of my club hand, but that's not strong. I could take a picture of myself, but like I said, I haven't been acting very strong. Take a picture of Dirty? Yeah, but then he would've wanted to know what I was doing and going through the whole explanation would've been met with a blank stare. Then I woke up this morning and saw my new laptop..........
That means strength to me! It means I can work on my essays for school, ALONE! I can go into my room, be alone and work on my online class. This laptop, that I picked out all by myself and paid for with the money I'm earning for school, IS my strength. I may not feel very strong right now, but having this laptop means I can still do a few things of my own AND by myself.

This may not have been what Lindsay had in mind when she thought about this, but I don't think she'll mind ;o)

on the road to recovery

my typing will be WAY worse then it was before, sorry about that. before i was able to use my right hand to hit a key here and there, but that is not the case for awhile.

like i said, surgery went well. it took him an hour longer then he had thought. apparently, correct me if im wrong, (i was pretty doped up when dr talked to me) the cartilage grew a bit of bone. that's what got stuck, but he removed it. no more stuck finger EVER! he did give me a few more stitches then he had planned and had to go deeper, as well. he did not have to cut on the top of my hand like he was afraid of. i have 7 stitches on my palm, plus a few internally. the stitches aren't coming out until the 9th and i can't change the dressing for a week. so, im guessing recovery is going to be awhile. hopefully the pain will subside and i'll be able to do SOMETHING.

im being a very good patient and staying on the couch. which is a lot easier since my laptop came today *YAY* im asking for things i need and taking my pain meds when i need them. i was given VERY strict orders to not "act tough". the only problem is, the vicodin makes me VERY tired and dizzy. tomorrow we're gonna try more food before i take them and see what happens.

thanks again for thinking good thoughts and sending them my way. i appreciate them so much!

Surgery

Surgery went well. Dr cut me more then he thought he was going to so I have quite a few stitches. BUT I can BOTH make a fist AND straighten my finger! YAY!

Annnnd We're Off!

Thank you SO much for the well wishes and good vibes! Not only did I find much comfort in them, THEY WORKED! Not for me, but that is alright. Nae is better! We took her to the doctor Wednesday and she was released to go back to school. YAY!!! Apparently when your doctor doesn't catch something he should've you get rock star treatment and MANY apologies later. The whole office apologized to Nae and myself many times and we weren't in the office for hours. Which was nice, obviously but I still wish her doctor would have done a blood sample to check for mono when her strep test came back negative. I'm just glad that I pestered them enough times before we took her to the ER that they now know I wasn't just some over protective neurotic mother. She still needs to have an ultrasound of her spleen to make sure it's not enlarged, but that's just a precaution. That doctor won't be taking any more chances, at least with us! So good news there! I'm SO relieved! She was one SICK kid!

I went to my surgeon Tuesday and he injected me with that lovely "numb juice" right! into! my! joint! *shudder* It didn't hurt after the first "stick", but WOW did it feel WEIRD! He was hoping he could loosen us the knuckle and it would "pop" back into it's correct place. It did not *sigh* So, that means surgery is scheduled for Wednesday at 9:15am. That really sucks! I really want to get this fixed because I can't continue on like I have been for the last 3 weeks. I'm really not looking forward to the pain or recovery time.

Apparently he's going to put a screw in my knuckle (that's the part that's freaking me out) for about 3 weeks, let everything heal, then go back in and take it out. That's the plan anyway, we really aren't sure because he has never seen this type of injury before. He use to work at a Shrinner's hospital for crippled children and he has NO idea what is going on in there. I kind of feel bad for the guy. he seems just as frustrated as I am. Maybe he'll write something up in The Journal of Medicine and we'll be FAMOUS! I don't need credit for being a freak of nature, but I will take my surgery free of charge ;o) It's almost like I'm the teacher and he's the student, so in reality he should be paying ME, right? Just a thought...

In the mean time, I'm going to take it easy and do my BEST to be a better patient. Dirty is getting very frustrated with me because I'm doing too much. I try, I really do, but then I think "oh it's just stirring the noodles for a LITTLE while, not like I'm making something that needs to be stirred CONSTANTLY." So I do it, then Dirty sighs and tells me go to sit and I get very defensive. It's been less then fun here in the Mess household. But I promise to try my best to ask for help *crosses heart*

I did get my hair washed today *ahhhh* and cut. Oh that felt so nice! All I had to do was lay my head down in the sink and then my hair was magically washed and cut. Thinking about doin it every day. Not the hair cut, but the washing of my hair, FOR SURE!

Thank you again for the well wishes and the kind words, I truly appreciate it!

Will That Be All?

**update** MRI shows the tendon is where it's suppose to be. I have an appointment with the surgeon on Tuesday to go over the results. The radiologist could only tell me that it was not that tendon. Not sure if that's good news or bad. I would think fixing the knuckle is easier then fixing a tendon, but I really have no idea. Feel free to correct me if I'm wrong. I've refrained from doing any Google searches, so far.

Dirty took Nae to the ER last night/ this morning and I followed shortly thereafter. She does NOT have strep but DOES have mono :o( Her throat is not closing up because it isn't her tonsils that are swollen like we had thought, it's her glands. Apparently we caught it fairly early and she doesn't have an enlarged spleen or liver, but we do need to watch out for those.

We got home at 5 this morning and she is doing OK. Not great but OK. We do know why the antibiotics weren't working now! I'm a little bit frustrated/confused that her doctor didn't test for mono after looking at her throat.Wouldn't he have been able to see that it wasn't her tonsils and it was her glands that were causing her so much discomfort? Any thoughts? Thanks for all the love and well wishes! I can't even tell you how much they mean to me!

Soooo....went to the surgeon this morning. I am not even going to pretend I was a big strong girl, because I SO was NOT! I was quiet all morning long and just wanted to do anything BUT go to that appointment. I didn't anyone to go with me because I knew I was going to lose my cool at some point and freak FUCK! Actually, that's not true, I did want Dirty to go with me, but Nae is STILL! REALLY! sick and I didn't feel comfortable leaving her by herself or with anyone but him or myself. I had lil sis drop me off and I walked into that office trying not to let anyone see how terrified I was. I almost pulled it off, too.

Surgeon checks out my finger, very gently. Good news is the tendon is where it should be. Bad news is I dislocated my knuckle...(sorry Quiet Dreams, I know you're cringing) When I dislocated the knuckle it went back in, BUT it went it twisted. Surgeon said think of it like a knee cap. EEEWWWW *shudder* that's gross! Then he asked me the most beautiful question ever! "How about we numb everything up and I can try to see if I can fix it?" If I could have gotten away with kissing him, I would have! He did that and worked it pretty good, still nothing. He wants me to go for an MRI in the morning to make sure that's what he thinks it is. The only way to fix it? Oh that would be surgery *sigh*

When he and the nurse said that, I couldn't hold back the tears any longer. I was biting my lip, taking deep breaths, all of it and still tears were escaping. I'm not scared of the surgery itself, but I am worried about the recovery time and the cost. This surgery is EASILY going to cost me $10,000. Ummmm I don't have $10,000 laying around.

I left the office holding backs sobs searching for a bathroom. When I found one, I raced in there, locked the door, dropped to my knees and lost IT! I was sobbing pathetically into my lap. I didn't know what else to do. Once I gained some sort of composure, splashed my face with cold water and did my best to not start crying again so I could leave the bathroom. As soon as I got myself together, I went down to the hospital's billing office.

Good thing is, they have a program for uninsured ER visits and I qualify. All of these doctor visits are all considered emergency because of that visit. Hopefully I'll be able to only pay a small percentage of the surgery.

Now we just need to figure out what's wrong with Nae. Dirty just took her to the ER because her breathing didn't sound good when I checked on her. I think the swelling in her throat is getting so bad, it's closing up. I'm not going to think of worst case scenarios as I wait for a phone call from him. Please send Nae lots of good thoughts!

Crap!

It looks like I'm headed for surgery. The doc said I did dislocate this damn finger and it did go back into place. That's good! BUT the tendon that runs over the knuckle is not there. He can't be sure but he thinks it's laying on the OUTSIDE of my bone. OUCH! He was pushing up on it and he felt a lot of tension. He didn't want to push too hard because he didn't want to cause me any undue pain or snap the tendon. I told him he could, but either he had to get me a bucket to throw up in or a pillow so I don't hit my head on the floor when I pass out :D Weird he didn't push up on my finger when I hissed.

He put the splint back on and made me an appointment to see a hand surgeon. That appointment is tomorrow *sigh* I'm not as scared as I was yesterday, but still pretty uneasy about the whole thing.

I talked to my math instructor about the possibility of surgery and he didn't seem concerned about me not being able to do my homework. I'm doing the best to not let this whole thing get me down, but to be honest it isn't easy. I'm frustrated that I can't do ANYTHING. I can't cook dinner, can't wash my hair, unbutton my jeans, clean the house, pretty much anything that requires the use of both hands, I am unable to do. I can't even go running because the movement will jostle my hand and it hurts!

I did put a call out for help yesterday and asked a friend to make dinner for us because we're all VERY sick of pizza. That sucked having to ask for her help, but also made me feel good that I had an amazing friend to help me out. Thank you Tracy!

My lil sis, dad and their gang are all here this week. It's nice to be able to hang out with them and have some help around here, but also sucks because I can't do anything I had planned. I was going to make lasagna and pumpkin cheesecake for them, now I can't. Dirty is helping, obviously, but ummmmm...how can I say this politely....DUDE CAN'T COOK TO SAVE HIS OWN LIFE! Hence the reason we've had pizza or breakfast for dinner since Thursday. But not tonight! Tonight we're eating the dinner Tracy made us! Tomorrow, lil sis is going to help me with the stew. Not sure about the rest of the week, but right now, we've got dinner covered tonight. So very thankful that we will NOT be eating pizza tonight!

Nae is still really sick! Her strep test came back negative, and she isn't feeling much better. She's been on antibiotics since Monday afternoon, so we thought she'd be feeling better. Not quite sure what's going on. Does anyone know anything about tonsillitis? She hasn't had a fever but her throat is really sore and she can't talk. I'm having a hell of a time getting a hold of her Doctor. Any ideas would be GREATLY appreciated!

Go BIG Or Go Home!

That's been our motto around here as of late.

I started the year of Beautiful Mess with a BANG! So much so that I somehow became a 21 year old college student instead of a 34 year old one. I went out, had a few beers and lots of laughs on Monday. My class was canceled, so I thought, why not? I begged Roomie to take me out and she did. Then Tuesday, I did it again! Only Tuesday there were a lot more beers consumed and a good bye party for a friend visiting from San Diego. Whom I may or may not have flirted with because I knew it would make people INSANE! I sauntered in around 4am after a delicious breakfast at Shari's and woke up *wink wink* Dirty. I proceeded to tell him about my night in GREAT detail until be called "uncle". Since we had to get up at 6 to get the kids off to school, we decided to stay up. That was SO weird! I wasn't feeling tipsy or drunk, not even tired! I hit my wall around 10am and took my sorry ass to bed. Was totally worth it AND I made it to class and did just fine. Wednesday my dad was in town and what did we do? Go our for some drinks with my friends he hasn't seen in awhile. And who else was there? That guy from Tuesday night PLUS a few gals that are always up in my business. We all sat together and I may have been a little TOO nice and giggly. In my defense, they have been up in my business for YEARS! I just decided to give them all something to talk about. That should keep me off their radar for awhile.

Woke up Thursday feeling totally fine, which is weird! I should have been wreaked, but I wasn't. I even went on my run. All was going well until 15 minutes until I had to leave for class and Dirty had to leave to get Zilla. It was then I decided to be Super Woman and move a BIG box of china into the garage. I grabbed it by hooking my thumbs into the box and supporting the box under the flaps with my index fingers and hands. Yeah...BAD idea! Heard a pop and saw stars. My finger hurt so bad, I thought I was going to throw up or pass out. I ran into the house and asked Dirty to pull it back into place, thinking I dislocated it. OH DEAR GOD I THOUGHT I WAS GOING TO REALLY PASS OUT!!! He was pulling on it and I was screaming like I was being murdered. Apparently he didn't like the sound of my screams in his ear and me biting my arm to stop said screams. Which only gave me a bruise and did not stop my screaming OR the pain.

Poor Dirty and my dad are standing around while I'm on the floor rocking back and forth in pain not knowing what to do. Dirty had to go get Zilla from school and my dad can't drive. I somehow call Rommie and ask her to take me to the ER and I call Peaches telling her to tell our math instructor I won't be in class that day. Not sure how I did that, but I did!

I get to the ER a few minutes later acting crazy. I'm doing everything I can think of to distract myself from the pain. I'm attempting to text people, telling Roomie to make jokes, ANYTHING to keep my mind off my finger. None of those things really worked, either. We finally go back and see a doctor and get X-rays done. The X-rays don't show anything broken or our of place. They have NO idea what the hell I did to my finger. All we know is that I can't move it up and if anyone gets close to it, I whimper. I even asked the doc to knock me out if he decides to move it up to splint it. He took pity on me and didn't touch it. THANK YOU DOC!

He did call an orthopedist who was just as stumped as he was. They had no answers for me. Nobody had ever seen anything like this before. So, they put a splint on it to support it and wrapped it. I got some pain pills and a number to call in the morning to make an appointment with the orthopedist.

I've been doing my best to type, write and do normal things like brush my teeth with my left hand, but it hasn't been easy. This finger/hand HURTS like a bitch! My appointment is tomorrow and I am TERRIFIED! I'm afraid of the doctor touching it and him telling me I need surgery or something horrible. My game plan is to take a pain pill before my appointment and PRAY it's just dislocated and he can pop it back into place and it'll feel SO much better. If not.....well we'll deal with that when and IF it comes.

To top it all off, poor Nae is SO sick! We took her to HER doctor this morning and she has strep. The kid hasn't been on antibiotics since she was 6 months old. She's on a big dosage now to make up for lost time.

It's go big of go home around here! If ya'll have any spare good thoughts, Nae and I could really use them.

Testing...trying to figure out this whole blog from ue phone invention. What will they think of NEXT?

I'm Free Of Her Poison

Peaches and I have been in each others lives for a little over 12 years. That's a long time! It wasn't always bad, we had good times, as I stated in my letter to her awhile back. I have always been aware that she was a taker and I was a giver. That's what our friendship was and I accepted that. I would do my best not to let her hurt me, but in the end, I always got hurt. I would LOVE to put all the blame on her, but I can't. I have to assume some of the responsibility, as well. I was the one who chose to stay in a unhealthy friendship because I had the hope she would change. I didn't try to change her, I just always hoped that she would see the light some day. Since she hasn't spoken to me since she moved out, I have never felt so free in my life! I'm not fixing her problems anymore. I'm not listening to her go on and on and ON about her sometimes boyfriend. I'm a little bit hurt that she doesn't see what she did, but I doubt she ever will see. And you know what? It isn't my problem to make her see it. She made the choices she made and I made the choices I made. This is where we stand now. She doesn't reply to my text messages, not that I actually expected her too. It would have been nice to get "you're welcome" when I sent her a text saying thank you for the gifts she got Nae and Zilla, but eh shit happens. No biggie. We have two classes together this term and today was the first one. All I can say is it was awkward! Oh so very awkward. I was nice and said hi to her and she said hi back and that was the extent of our conversation for the two hours.

While I'm a little sad about the turn our friendship has taken I'm more RELIEVED then anything. I know a lot of people have told me that she is not a good friend and while I always agreed, I never did anything about it. Totally different story now. Since we haven't talked in weeks, I feel so free. I'm not stressed out anymore. I'm enjoying things around the house. I'm reconnecting with friends I had lost contact with because I was SO wrapped up in her and her problems. It feels really nice! I take that back, it feels really GREAT!

Because of this whole thing, I've done a lot of thinking about who I am and what I want out of life. I no longer want to worry about anyone but myself. Of course that doesn't mean I'm going to go run away, start up a crack habit or skate on my classes. This just means that I've lived my life for other people for way too long and it's time to live life for ME!

If I want to go out for a drink with the girls or the boys and Dirty is fine with it, I'm going to go. I'm not going to worry about someone feeling left out because he/she has to work and couldn't go. I'm not going to worry about the small group of women who think I'm such a whore because I have the NERVE to talk (and flirt) with a man that is not my husband! Oh the horror! I'm no longer going to listen to the whispers behind my back because I'm not at home with Dirty and the kids. If I want to go to lunch with a good friend who just happens to have a penis, then dammit, I'm going! If I feel like being silly in the store and embarrassing my friend, I'm going to do that too! On the flip side, if I don't feel like doing anything but sit on my couch, that's exactly where I'll be.

This year is going to be the year of Beautiful Mess! This is going to be a great year, I can't wait to see what type of person I'll become and who has chosen to stay with me during this journey. It's going to be very interesting and so very exciting!

A Great Man

This handsome guy (who I got my looks from, btw) is A Great Man! He's probably the kindest man I know and the best dad ever! He's been through the wringer, but always comes out smiling. I don't remember him ever being mad or upset about the way life seems to love to screw him over. He lives life to the fullest and has taught me to do the same.

Things started to go downhill for him when I was around 12 years old. Him and my mom both lost their jobs and had to sell our house. Even during the move, he would always make the best of things. Since they were "older" it was hard for them to find a decent job again. When he finally did, years later, he lost his eyesight due to diabetes and had to retire early. My mom went back to work and took care of them. They were doing pretty good until my mom got sick and then passed away. Even through everything that surrounded her sickness and death, my dad was amazing. He went with her to appointments, visited her every day when she was in rehab and occasionally stayed the night and slept on a VERY small, uncomfortable chair. He never complained about taking the bus or a cab to see her, he just did it. He took care of her, helped her with her exercises so she could walk and talk again. When she came home, he and Dirty were talking about building a ramp for her wheelchair. Then she passed away and things were never the same, obviously.

He's been doing his best to keep his head above water with hospital bills pouring in, making sure my lil sister didn't make TOO many stupid decisions, and taking care of his own health. He wasn't feeling to well a few months back, but thankfully his kidneys are functioning just fine. Even though he was spilling some protein. Because of his diabetes and such, they had him tested for Agent Orange. That was in May :-| He hadn't heard anything from anyone for MONTHS! The only thing he knew was that when everything was done and he was tested positive, he would get an extra certain amount a month and it would be retro-active. We low-balled it and thought he'd get MAYBE an extra $500 a month and a check for a few thousand. But we still had no idea when this was coming or what was going to happen. Thank you government for all the available information.

He was notified that he did test positive for Agent Orange and would be receiving benefits because of this. Of course there was no date to notify him WHEN this would happen. So he waited, and waited. He finally got notice on Wednesday as to how much he was going to be getting a month. It wasn't what he was expecting, he told me. I was so bummed for him, I just wanted him to catch a break! I wanted SOMETHING to go right for him, just once! He then told me he will be receiving an extra $2,000 a month! That's HUGE! I was so happy for him, I started to cry. I started to do the math in my head and said "so you got like a $1,400 check, right?!" His response was "no, I didn't. *pause* Try like $47,000" I completely lost it right then and there! I couldn't hold it in any longer, I bawled like a baby. I was so happy for him and so excited that he was able to pay his bills and such and not have to worry about if his electric bill was going to be too high. Then he dropped a bomb on me. He told me he mailed me a check. I was stunned and told him I didn't want him spending his money on me, it's HIS! He's the one who fought in Vietnam, not I. He EARNED this money! He was crying too, when I said all of this, so it was hard for each of us to understand the other, but I think he said "it's alright. This is ALL of our money." I disagree and will do my best not to allow him to spend any of it on me. I just want my dad to be happy and be able to turn his heat on without having to worry.

He's looking into buying a house HERE, by ME! I hope he can do it. Not only for me, but for him too. He needs to be closer to me. It's time for my lil sis to share him. She's had him for years, it's my turn now.

I have questioned if good things do happen to good people a few times because it seems as if my dad gets shit on by life a lot, but not anymore! I think I just needed to have more patience and open my eyes a little bit more. He's a good man who truly deserves this. It won't make the pain of him losing his wife any less, but it will make his life easier. For that, I am thankful.