I'm Free Of Her Poison

Peaches and I have been in each others lives for a little over 12 years. That's a long time! It wasn't always bad, we had good times, as I stated in my letter to her awhile back. I have always been aware that she was a taker and I was a giver. That's what our friendship was and I accepted that. I would do my best not to let her hurt me, but in the end, I always got hurt. I would LOVE to put all the blame on her, but I can't. I have to assume some of the responsibility, as well. I was the one who chose to stay in a unhealthy friendship because I had the hope she would change. I didn't try to change her, I just always hoped that she would see the light some day. Since she hasn't spoken to me since she moved out, I have never felt so free in my life! I'm not fixing her problems anymore. I'm not listening to her go on and on and ON about her sometimes boyfriend. I'm a little bit hurt that she doesn't see what she did, but I doubt she ever will see. And you know what? It isn't my problem to make her see it. She made the choices she made and I made the choices I made. This is where we stand now. She doesn't reply to my text messages, not that I actually expected her too. It would have been nice to get "you're welcome" when I sent her a text saying thank you for the gifts she got Nae and Zilla, but eh shit happens. No biggie. We have two classes together this term and today was the first one. All I can say is it was awkward! Oh so very awkward. I was nice and said hi to her and she said hi back and that was the extent of our conversation for the two hours.

While I'm a little sad about the turn our friendship has taken I'm more RELIEVED then anything. I know a lot of people have told me that she is not a good friend and while I always agreed, I never did anything about it. Totally different story now. Since we haven't talked in weeks, I feel so free. I'm not stressed out anymore. I'm enjoying things around the house. I'm reconnecting with friends I had lost contact with because I was SO wrapped up in her and her problems. It feels really nice! I take that back, it feels really GREAT!

Because of this whole thing, I've done a lot of thinking about who I am and what I want out of life. I no longer want to worry about anyone but myself. Of course that doesn't mean I'm going to go run away, start up a crack habit or skate on my classes. This just means that I've lived my life for other people for way too long and it's time to live life for ME!

If I want to go out for a drink with the girls or the boys and Dirty is fine with it, I'm going to go. I'm not going to worry about someone feeling left out because he/she has to work and couldn't go. I'm not going to worry about the small group of women who think I'm such a whore because I have the NERVE to talk (and flirt) with a man that is not my husband! Oh the horror! I'm no longer going to listen to the whispers behind my back because I'm not at home with Dirty and the kids. If I want to go to lunch with a good friend who just happens to have a penis, then dammit, I'm going! If I feel like being silly in the store and embarrassing my friend, I'm going to do that too! On the flip side, if I don't feel like doing anything but sit on my couch, that's exactly where I'll be.

This year is going to be the year of Beautiful Mess! This is going to be a great year, I can't wait to see what type of person I'll become and who has chosen to stay with me during this journey. It's going to be very interesting and so very exciting!