Jan 5, 2010

I'm Free Of Her Poison

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Peaches and I have been in each others lives for a little over 12 years. That's a long time! It wasn't always bad, we had good times, as I stated in my letter to her awhile back. I have always been aware that she was a taker and I was a giver. That's what our friendship was and I accepted that. I would do my best not to let her hurt me, but in the end, I always got hurt. I would LOVE to put all the blame on her, but I can't. I have to assume some of the responsibility, as well. I was the one who chose to stay in a unhealthy friendship because I had the hope she would change. I didn't try to change her, I just always hoped that she would see the light some day. Since she hasn't spoken to me since she moved out, I have never felt so free in my life! I'm not fixing her problems anymore. I'm not listening to her go on and on and ON about her sometimes boyfriend. I'm a little bit hurt that she doesn't see what she did, but I doubt she ever will see. And you know what? It isn't my problem to make her see it. She made the choices she made and I made the choices I made. This is where we stand now. She doesn't reply to my text messages, not that I actually expected her too. It would have been nice to get "you're welcome" when I sent her a text saying thank you for the gifts she got Nae and Zilla, but eh shit happens. No biggie. We have two classes together this term and today was the first one. All I can say is it was awkward! Oh so very awkward. I was nice and said hi to her and she said hi back and that was the extent of our conversation for the two hours.

While I'm a little sad about the turn our friendship has taken I'm more RELIEVED then anything. I know a lot of people have told me that she is not a good friend and while I always agreed, I never did anything about it. Totally different story now. Since we haven't talked in weeks, I feel so free. I'm not stressed out anymore. I'm enjoying things around the house. I'm reconnecting with friends I had lost contact with because I was SO wrapped up in her and her problems. It feels really nice! I take that back, it feels really GREAT!

Because of this whole thing, I've done a lot of thinking about who I am and what I want out of life. I no longer want to worry about anyone but myself. Of course that doesn't mean I'm going to go run away, start up a crack habit or skate on my classes. This just means that I've lived my life for other people for way too long and it's time to live life for ME!

If I want to go out for a drink with the girls or the boys and Dirty is fine with it, I'm going to go. I'm not going to worry about someone feeling left out because he/she has to work and couldn't go. I'm not going to worry about the small group of women who think I'm such a whore because I have the NERVE to talk (and flirt) with a man that is not my husband! Oh the horror! I'm no longer going to listen to the whispers behind my back because I'm not at home with Dirty and the kids. If I want to go to lunch with a good friend who just happens to have a penis, then dammit, I'm going! If I feel like being silly in the store and embarrassing my friend, I'm going to do that too! On the flip side, if I don't feel like doing anything but sit on my couch, that's exactly where I'll be.

This year is going to be the year of Beautiful Mess! This is going to be a great year, I can't wait to see what type of person I'll become and who has chosen to stay with me during this journey. It's going to be very interesting and so very exciting!

19 friends have commented:

GeekByMarriage on January 5, 2010 at 8:14 PM said...

I am soooo happy you finally booted her out. She was toxic to your well being and happiness. People like that are selfish and don't care who they step on as long as it's all about THEM 24/7.

I will drink to your freedom!

Flying Monkeys on January 5, 2010 at 10:26 PM said...

You go girl! I'm happy that you feel so free.

I'm a flirt and my husband knows it. Have fun!

Mrs Bee on January 5, 2010 at 10:27 PM said...

WOOHOO!!

Go Wifey!!

Totally cheering for you!

xx

WiseGuy on January 6, 2010 at 12:09 AM said...

I am glad that you are finally free of Peaches....it is high time she lived her own life, and took charge of it, and it was high time, she let you live yours.


Move on and stay strong!

'Murgdan' on January 6, 2010 at 2:42 AM said...

Good for you! So excited for your new year! Wishing you the best of everything!

My name is Andy. on January 6, 2010 at 3:28 AM said...

cheers to the Year of Beautiful Mess!

You deserve it!

Quiet Dreams on January 6, 2010 at 7:54 AM said...

What an amazing feeling to get rid of toxicity in your life! I also know that feeling of relief (even mixed a bit with grief) for not having to walk on eggshells for someone.

You have grown so much in the past year. You should be really proud of yourself.

IF Optimist, then... on January 6, 2010 at 10:14 AM said...

So glad that you are now coming to a new balance in your life that includes some extra joy and happiness especially for you. Let your wonderful personality bloom, don't waste your life on someone else's drama. Gah, did I mention how much I hate that stuff? I raise my glass of orange juice to the year of Beautiful Mess. CHEERS!

Kristin on January 6, 2010 at 10:43 AM said...

Good for you! Have a wonderful time.

Dolli-Mama on January 6, 2010 at 2:21 PM said...

Good for you! I am so glad you are sticking to your guns! Good luck in the year of you!

JamieD on January 6, 2010 at 5:50 PM said...

What a wonderful revelation. You are deserving of some Beautiful Mess time.

YAY!!

tomi on January 7, 2010 at 2:20 AM said...

Enjoy!

I had to do the same to a friend because of all her negativity and she wasn't very happy about that but oh well.

I just find it really funny at how some people will think one is a harlot when they speak to someone else who is not their partner. argh.

Chayce's Momma on January 7, 2010 at 7:51 AM said...

SOOOO happy for you!!! You should focus on yourself and you should not feel guilty about it! You deserve to have some "you time". It'll be a GREAT year for you!!!

kate on January 7, 2010 at 8:04 AM said...

I'm so happy for you. I had my own "friend divorce" about a year ago, and it really is miraculous how much better life can be without a shitty person weighing you down. I lost weight, finished a degree, got the courage to finally keep my RE appointment, got pregnant, with TWINS-- the good stuff keeps coming, and I know that in part, this is because I was willing to cut that toxic person out of my life. I see great things on your horizon!

Alana on January 7, 2010 at 4:51 PM said...

Yay, Dani! Cheers to you and your new year. :)

Coffeegrl on January 8, 2010 at 11:14 PM said...

How painful. How bittersweet - the relief and the sorrow. It sounds like you did the best thing for you (and maybe for her in the end). Change is so hard isn't it?! Happy 2010. Sounds like you're off to a happy and healthy start!

Parenthood For Me on January 9, 2010 at 8:55 PM said...

This sounds awesome. I have come to the realization that life is way to effing short to be so consumed with other people's problems or what they think of me. I know me. I know what I want out of life. I know that I want to be happy and fulfilled. Go you!

Bec on January 10, 2010 at 6:04 AM said...

This is going to be a great year for you - To be honest Im glad she's slowly getting out of your life, if she wasnt contributing anything positive then you needed to cut ties.

CanadianMama on January 12, 2010 at 7:27 AM said...

hands down, favorite blog to read these days! It's so amazing to watch you grow!!! you? are amazing!!!!

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