There, I said it! I've been in a funk lately. Obviously...the last few posts have been all dramatic and full of whinnying. I've been trying to figure out exactly why I'm in a funk and I finally realized it. I miss my mom. Plain and simple.
The "anniversary" of her death was January 15 and I wasn't able to do anything for it. We were in the ER with Nae the night before, had to get an MRI on my hand on the 15th, and my grandmother had just had a stroke and my dad and sister had to go see her. I wasn't able to go because I wasn't sure how contagious mono was and didn't think it would be wise to spread that around my grandma. Thankfully my grandma pulled through and we just celebrated her 92(!) birthday, Saturday.
I am still pretty sensitive about my hand, although it is getting better. But I know that if my mom were still alive, she would be at my house cleaning and taking care of me. She was always my go-to person when I needed some extra attention and love. We all have one of those and they usually end up doing just what you needed. Right now, I want my mommy. I want to lay my head in her lap while she strokes my head and I cry. I want her to just let me cry and not try to fix it. I just want to be the one who's taken care of, just for a little bit. Not that Dirty hasn't done a great job, because he has, it's just not the same. My friend Tracy has been amazing and I can't thank her enough. She's listened to me and hugged me and said "I know" at just the right times. But again, she isn't my mom.
I know I will get through this and it's just another step in the process of acceptance, but this want or need to have my mom right now, is overwhelming me. It's hard for me to look at the big picture when all I can think about is "if mom were here...". I just don't know who to turn too. I can't really go to my dad, plus he lives 3 hours away. I don't have a close aunt who can fill in. None of my friends' moms are like my mom was. I know I can go get a "mommy hug", but as for the crying and hair stroking, I don't know where to go. I don't think anyone can be a substitute for my mom, nor do I want one per se. I'd just like a warm comfy place to lay my head and let my tears fall. I want that comfort and protection that only my mom's lap can offer.
Once again, this whole feeling has caught me off guard and I'm left reeling from it. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know where to place them. I've recognized them and cried because of them...maybe that's all I can do. Hopefully the dreams I've been having of my mom will be less taxing on me and more comforting. Guess that's the best I can do for now.