Feb 15, 2010

I Want My Mommy!

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
There, I said it! I've been in a funk lately. Obviously...the last few posts have been all dramatic and full of whinnying. I've been trying to figure out exactly why I'm in a funk and I finally realized it. I miss my mom. Plain and simple.

The "anniversary" of her death was January 15 and I wasn't able to do anything for it. We were in the ER with Nae the night before, had to get an MRI on my hand on the 15th, and my grandmother had just had a stroke and my dad and sister had to go see her. I wasn't able to go because I wasn't sure how contagious mono was and didn't think it would be wise to spread that around my grandma. Thankfully my grandma pulled through and we just celebrated her 92(!) birthday, Saturday.

I am still pretty sensitive about my hand, although it is getting better. But I know that if my mom were still alive, she would be at my house cleaning and taking care of me. She was always my go-to person when I needed some extra attention and love. We all have one of those and they usually end up doing just what you needed. Right now, I want my mommy. I want to lay my head in her lap while she strokes my head and I cry. I want her to just let me cry and not try to fix it. I just want to be the one who's taken care of, just for a little bit. Not that Dirty hasn't done a great job, because he has, it's just not the same. My friend Tracy has been amazing and I can't thank her enough. She's listened to me and hugged me and said "I know" at just the right times. But again, she isn't my mom.

I know I will get through this and it's just another step in the process of acceptance, but this want or need to have my mom right now, is overwhelming me. It's hard for me to look at the big picture when all I can think about is "if mom were here...". I just don't know who to turn too. I can't really go to my dad, plus he lives 3 hours away. I don't have a close aunt who can fill in. None of my friends' moms are like my mom was. I know I can go get a "mommy hug", but as for the crying and hair stroking, I don't know where to go. I don't think anyone can be a substitute for my mom, nor do I want one per se. I'd just like a warm comfy place to lay my head and let my tears fall. I want that comfort and protection that only my mom's lap can offer.

Once again, this whole feeling has caught me off guard and I'm left reeling from it. I don't know what to do with these feelings. I don't know where to place them. I've recognized them and cried because of them...maybe that's all I can do. Hopefully the dreams I've been having of my mom will be less taxing on me and more comforting. Guess that's the best I can do for now.

19 friends have commented:

Dolli-Mama on February 16, 2010 at 5:34 AM said...

There are no words.

I am sending cyber love your way.

Hugs
Dolli-Mama

Raelene on February 16, 2010 at 6:24 AM said...

I feel like that sometimes too. I have no wonderful words of wisdom but I hope it helps a tiny bit to know that I completely understand how you feel. I miss my mom too. Big hugs to you.

Mrs. Gamgee on February 16, 2010 at 7:45 AM said...

I wish I could do or say something that would bring you some peace and comfort. Perhaps recognizing that this is where your emotional state it coming from is a first step?

((hugs))

Kristin on February 16, 2010 at 9:36 AM said...

Lots of {{{hugs}}} sweetie!

Mischief Maker on February 16, 2010 at 12:27 PM said...

You've got a lot going on! Love you and miss you. Chin up.

Quiet Dreams on February 16, 2010 at 2:47 PM said...

Hugs, hugs, hugs.

I'm so sorry that you lost your mom.

Some more hugs.

edenland on February 16, 2010 at 6:33 PM said...

Oh mate, anniversarys like that are HU-UGE. How much easier would life be if we didn't have feelings? But then, I guess we couldn't feel the good stuff either. ha - there's a whole fricking blog post in that.

I hope you are feeling a smidge better. I bet your mum would have totally been there, looking after you, cooking for you. Sending you some virtual chicken pesto. Because that's what I'm eating right now and if I could cram it through the internet line I would.

XOXOXOXOXOXOX

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) on February 16, 2010 at 7:46 PM said...

Anniversaries are so hard! Sending you love...

Jaymee on February 16, 2010 at 9:02 PM said...

super huge hugs.

you are going the perfect thing, feeling the feelings as you have them and expressing them is often all any of us can do. i am so sorry that you are having to endure this. just remember that there is another side of this and you will find yourself there again. sending you millions of tons of love and hugs.

CanadianMama on February 17, 2010 at 6:50 AM said...

I would feel the SAME way! big hugs - sorry girl!!

Chayce's Momma on February 17, 2010 at 10:17 AM said...

No one can ever replace your momma!!! It's perfectly ok for you to be wanting her and to be whiny, as I told you on Twitter last night, we're femail, it comes with the territory. And don't you worry, none of your blog friends mind!!!! (((Hugs)))

Miss Meliss on February 17, 2010 at 10:19 AM said...

Awwwww!!! I know that feeling... I'm so sorry you have had such a stressful time this past month. :( I'll send up a little prayer that your Mom is able to touch your heart and make you feel better.

So glad to hear your grandmother pulled through and celebrated her bday. That is awesome. Glad, too, that your hand is on the mend...

HUGS,
Melissa

tomi on February 17, 2010 at 4:34 PM said...

Loads and loads of hugs.

xoxo

Kristal on February 17, 2010 at 11:32 PM said...

(((hugs))
I am always here for you... If you need someone to talk to, call or text me anytime. I love you hunni

kimbosue on February 18, 2010 at 12:15 PM said...

(((BIG BIG HUGS)))

IF Optimist, then... on February 18, 2010 at 12:52 PM said...

Your love and grace are a tribute to your mom. I hope that I can be a good mom someday, through your eyes, she is an inspiration. Sending so much love and big hugs to you right now.

Flying Monkeys on February 18, 2010 at 5:52 PM said...

Hugs honey. I'm not sure what to say that doesn't sound cheesy or seems inadequate. I hope you're hand is feeling better and your gearing up to kick some more ass.
; )

kate on February 19, 2010 at 6:42 AM said...

I'm so sorry you're missing your mamma. There's just no one in the world who takes care of us the way our mothers would. Wishing you peace as you continue to heal from your surgery. Take it easy, friend.

Coffeegrl on March 2, 2010 at 4:29 PM said...

I am so choked up right now after reading this. I just wish I could give you a huge hug.
xo

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