Feb 2, 2010


Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I am feeling very overwhelmed and very frustrated these past few days (which is why I'm sounding like Chicken Little). It isn't helping that I've missed two math classes and am now getting a B in class. Granted, it's only one percent away from an A and I have time to make it up, but I NEED a 4.0 again this term. Not for any other reason then to prove to myself I can do it even while going through all this crap with my hand.

I was so excited to take off my bandage today! I've been looking forward to this since I woke up in the operating room and I could move my finger again. I'll admit I cheated a little and Dirty and I took it off at midnight. Technically that's still Tuesday, but yeah I cheated. I was really nervous because I thought the gauze was stuck to my stitches. I unwrapped it so carefully and took off each layer, slowly. I've never had stitches before this, so I really had no idea what to expect. I got to the last layer, and VERY carefully took it off. It came off fairly easily and it didn't hurt! I was looking at my hand it while it looks gross, it's not as bad as I thought it was going to look. He made a "Y" incision that goes out toward the side of my hand. Hard to explain, plus I didn't get that good of a look at it because I PASSED OUT!!!!! I was not feeling queasy about seeing my hand and I'm not "afraid" of blood, or so I thought.

I did see spots, but I'm an expert at fainting since I became a pro at it when I was in high school. Usually when I would see spots, I close my eyes and breathe, then I'm fine. That didn't work this time. Dirty didn't realize I had passed out because we were sitting on the couch and my chin was resting on my chest. When he heard me making weird noises, he realized what had happened. He lifted my head and I sort of came too and FREAKED OUT! I seriously felt like someone was trying to kill me and I was fighting for my life. Once he got me laid down and I stopped swinging at him, I cried HARD! I was so confused and scared. I kept hearing his voice telling me to breathe, but all I could do was cry and ask him what happened. Finally I calmed down, stopped crying, and got my breathing under control.

Dirty thinks I had a bit of a panic attack, combined with sitting crossed legged and my heart rate increasing, my brain needed blood. I'm sure he's right, but now all I can think of is; "this is the second time I've passed out at the sight of blood, do I need to rethink being a nurse?" I don't know. I'm confused, frustrated, and feeling defeated.

Normally I can power through things and still get stuff done, but when I can't even take a shower by myself, it's getting hard to power through this. I know I'm strong, but right now I don't feel very strong. I feel like giving up. Giving up on what, though? I don't really have anything to give up on. It's not like I'm training for anything that I've just realized is too hard. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

This is all temporary and I'm sure I'll be much better once the stitches come out. It's just right now, I don't want to fight. I just want to give in to whatever that's holding me. I won't give in, though!

So, my question is...was it "normal" for me to pass out? Do I seriously need to reconsider being a nurse? This is the second time it's happened now. The first time being when Zilla cut his toe open and I had just got out of a hot bath. Now, that just seems like an excuse. I've never been the type think blood and guts are gross. Have I changed? UHG! I can't stop thinking about last night, now. I'm terrified the path I chose needs to be change.

18 friends have commented:

Kristin on February 2, 2010 at 4:06 PM said...

Nah, I don't think it means anything as far as becoming a nurse. It is vastly different when it's your child or you yourself. I think you will do fine.

CanadianMama on February 2, 2010 at 6:34 PM said...

Ditto to Kristin! I think you will be a great nurse with it's not your or your kids' blood :)

Quiet Dreams on February 2, 2010 at 7:13 PM said...

I definitely think it's different if it's your blood, or your child's. So glad you have some more freedom of movement!

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WiseGuy on February 3, 2010 at 5:54 AM said...

Listen D, I don't think so....but you know what, rather than just venting yourself out here, could you speak to somebody 'in the profession'?

I am sure that nursing needs a lot of skills (that you certainly have) that have got more to do with the ability to care for a person rather than watching bleeds all the time...but talk to somebody 'in it'.

WiseGuy on February 3, 2010 at 5:54 AM said...

...and I am glad that the gauze came off painlessly...I would have roused a jungle with my screaming...

kimbosue on February 3, 2010 at 8:22 AM said...

Glad the gauze came off so easily!

I think you should still pursue your dream. Blood and cuts and such are WAY different when its your own or your kids than just "patients."

Flying Monkeys on February 3, 2010 at 3:15 PM said...

I think it's different when it's your own but it wouldn't hurt to ask someone in the biz.

I hope you're doing better.

Anonymous said...

I wouldn't worry about it.Like others have said its so much diffrent when its your own blood.

Don't stress about your maths you'll bring that grade up in no time.

I think its easy to feel overwhelmed sometimes when your thinking of going into a caring profession. Patients depend on you and the thought of letting them down is scary, (well it is to me anyway) especially when your not feeling 100% your kick ass self.

I think your going to be great and I am certainly not the only one..

Rest..relax..heal..,if it will help put your mind at ease try contacting someone in the profession,BUT I reackon you'll be back to butt kicking in no time wondering what all the worry was about.

Sending much good juju your way...

Ali xX

Jamie on February 3, 2010 at 6:24 PM said...

Don't worry about your math class (you'll make up that 1% in no time!) and certainly don't worry about nursing school.

The previous posts were right - it is ~very~ different when it involves you or your family. My husband and I are both critical care nurses in a hospital that pretty much only does open heart surgery. When my Mom had her heart surgery I was a BASKET case. And everything she went through is what I do for a living - 40 hours week, 52 weeks a year. It is just so different when you are on the patient side.

Besides, the best part about nursing is all of the career options available. You can be a nurse in a doctor's office or for an insurance company and never come within 10 miles of blood or stitches.

Hang in there!!

Anonymous said...

You passed out because it was on your finger and the other time- you were emotionally involved.( well both times you were) You knew the person. You were holding your breath. I have passed out many times; I learned how to breathe when I get stressed, so now I sound like I am hyperventilating slow deep breathes. Not fun! You will be a fine nurse- you feel..
Gerardine Baugh

Sunny on February 4, 2010 at 3:53 PM said...

I really don't know about the passing out / nurse thing... but I suspect it's very different when it's yourself. Hopefully someone else can give you guidance.

But I can totally relate to being overwhelmed, I'm right there with you, girl. I just want to give up and crawl under a rock some days. But we will both get through this and appreciate "normal" life even more at the end. HUGS!

Alana on February 4, 2010 at 5:06 PM said...

Sorry, I've no words of wisdom on this... but I agree with Kristin and the others, I think you're less likely to panic or be grossed out when it's "business" and not family (or self) related. Hugs!

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tomi on February 7, 2010 at 2:59 AM said...

I think nurses just get squirmish at the sight of their own blood so you should be ok.

Glad to hear things are getting better!

(having a quiet moment while little miss is sleeping) xoxo

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Jaymee on February 9, 2010 at 10:46 PM said...

it is always worse when it is yourself or your child! trust me you will be fine. don't give up, this will pass. (((HUGS)))

Miss Meliss on February 17, 2010 at 7:17 AM said...

i'm so sorry i haven't checked in on you sooner... this sounds like it was very scary and i'm sorry you had that reaction.

you know, some people can't handle seeing their own blood, but can see other peoples' and it' not as big a deal... (of course, that's what others said too)

I hope your finger is better...


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