I am feeling very overwhelmed and very frustrated these past few days (which is why I'm sounding like Chicken Little). It isn't helping that I've missed two math classes and am now getting a B in class. Granted, it's only one percent away from an A and I have time to make it up, but I NEED a 4.0 again this term. Not for any other reason then to prove to myself I can do it even while going through all this crap with my hand.
I was so excited to take off my bandage today! I've been looking forward to this since I woke up in the operating room and I could move my finger again. I'll admit I cheated a little and Dirty and I took it off at midnight. Technically that's still Tuesday, but yeah I cheated. I was really nervous because I thought the gauze was stuck to my stitches. I unwrapped it so carefully and took off each layer, slowly. I've never had stitches before this, so I really had no idea what to expect. I got to the last layer, and VERY carefully took it off. It came off fairly easily and it didn't hurt! I was looking at my hand it while it looks gross, it's not as bad as I thought it was going to look. He made a "Y" incision that goes out toward the side of my hand. Hard to explain, plus I didn't get that good of a look at it because I PASSED OUT!!!!! I was not feeling queasy about seeing my hand and I'm not "afraid" of blood, or so I thought.
I did see spots, but I'm an expert at fainting since I became a pro at it when I was in high school. Usually when I would see spots, I close my eyes and breathe, then I'm fine. That didn't work this time. Dirty didn't realize I had passed out because we were sitting on the couch and my chin was resting on my chest. When he heard me making weird noises, he realized what had happened. He lifted my head and I sort of came too and FREAKED OUT! I seriously felt like someone was trying to kill me and I was fighting for my life. Once he got me laid down and I stopped swinging at him, I cried HARD! I was so confused and scared. I kept hearing his voice telling me to breathe, but all I could do was cry and ask him what happened. Finally I calmed down, stopped crying, and got my breathing under control.
Dirty thinks I had a bit of a panic attack, combined with sitting crossed legged and my heart rate increasing, my brain needed blood. I'm sure he's right, but now all I can think of is; "this is the second time I've passed out at the sight of blood, do I need to rethink being a nurse?" I don't know. I'm confused, frustrated, and feeling defeated.
Normally I can power through things and still get stuff done, but when I can't even take a shower by myself, it's getting hard to power through this. I know I'm strong, but right now I don't feel very strong. I feel like giving up. Giving up on what, though? I don't really have anything to give up on. It's not like I'm training for anything that I've just realized is too hard. Maybe I'm just feeling sorry for myself.
This is all temporary and I'm sure I'll be much better once the stitches come out. It's just right now, I don't want to fight. I just want to give in to whatever that's holding me. I won't give in, though!
So, my question is...was it "normal" for me to pass out? Do I seriously need to reconsider being a nurse? This is the second time it's happened now. The first time being when Zilla cut his toe open and I had just got out of a hot bath. Now, that just seems like an excuse. I've never been the type think blood and guts are gross. Have I changed? UHG! I can't stop thinking about last night, now. I'm terrified the path I chose needs to be change.