Jan 29, 2011

What Happens Now?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Nae has turned into a full fledged teenager and I am so upset, crushed, hurt, and scared.

She lied to us yesterday.

She was ungrounded for exactly 5 days. What. The. Hell?!

She wanted to go over to her friend's house and told Dirty that her friend's step-mom was home and his dad was going to be home around 1:00. Dirty thought it was a little strange that she made a point of telling him that her friend's dad is going to be home at 1:00. (Side note: this is a boy, yes but not a boy friend. She's been friends with this boy since 2nd grade and has been over there many times to hang out). We took her over there and Dirty told Nae he wanted to see a parent wave at us, she went to the door, came back to the car and said "his step-mom is in the shower", Dirty said "OK, we'll just wait". Oh man! You should have seen the look on her face! She paled, her eyes got a little shifty, and I'm pretty sure she was sweating. After a few minutes Dirty asked her if there was even an adult there, her answer was no and she knew it the whole time. WHAT?! I seriously lost my shit! Not for ONE second did I think she was lying and knew this kid's mom wasn't home. That was the last thing I expected, even after her sneaking out last month. I was so shocked, Dirty was pissed, Nae was crying, and Zilla was like "hey, what's going on", kid is so oblivious. We took her phone away, AGAIN, she's lost any privileges she had, and she's on chore duty. Good part is, my house has never been so clean, bad part is, my heart is broken.

Sneaking out was bad enough, but I sort of understand. Who doesn't want to go out at 1:00 and see what it's like? It is pretty thrilling. Of course, I didn't tell her that because she disobeyed the rules and broke a law. So, she was punished, This? This feels differently. I don't know if it's because she JUST got out of trouble from her antics in December or what, but I am taking this one hard. I feel like I'm losing her. I am questioning every conversation we've ever had, wondering if she was telling me the truth. If she lied about this, what else has she lied about that we didn't know? Has she had alcohol, done drugs, had sex? She's told me no, but I don't know what to believe anymore.

When my niece lied about almost being abducted by a stranger, it was for attention because her parents were getting a divorce. That kind of shit is expected and understood when a huge upheaval happens in a family, but we haven't had any sort of upheaval to make Nae think she needs attention. Dirty and I do the right things. We talk to her about her day, we listen to her, we have family dinners and all of us converse about the day, we joke with her, we have family movie nights, we give her some space, so I have NO idea what the hell is going on with that kid! We don't go out and leave the children alone for hours at a time, she doesn't have to raise her little brother, nor does she have a laundry list of chores to do because we're too lazy to do them. Seriously, this isn't your typical teenager needs attention and is acting out.

I am just so confused, hurt, and scared. I don't know what to think or do. I know I am taking this very personally but I don't know how else to do it. I know I'm a good mom to her but what happens now? Where do we go from here? I feel like I lost my little girl and I don't know how to get her back or if that's even possible.

I'm not a stupid mom. Naive? Very! Which is why I didn't think she was lying to us. I don't even know how long it is going to take for her to win our trust back, but it won't be any time soon. In the mean time, I have no idea what to do. I know I'm probably being all over dramatic about this and I know it could be SO much worse, but the thing is, I don't WANT it to get or be so much worse. This is bad enough.

6 friends have commented:

Kristin on January 30, 2011 at 10:22 PM said...

{{{Hugs}}} and prayers hon. It will get better.

Anonymous said...

Damn those teenagers! Hope things get better for you. Just know in a few years, she will be your BFF! :)

ps I gave you an award on my blog!

Danielle on January 31, 2011 at 12:29 PM said...

I want to say "it will get easier" but I'm not sure that's true.

Just know you guys are great parents and you are doing everything right! She is a teenager and testing her limits. By being strict with punishment you are showing her she can't get away with these things.

CanadianMama on January 31, 2011 at 5:04 PM said...

I had the same kind of parents you and Dirty are and I too did stupid shit. It wasn't because I was trying to get attention; it was because I was a stupid teenager. You aren't doing anything wrong!!

But, eek! Broken trust indeed. Thankgoodness you trusted your instincts and waited!

ps. Love how Zilla is so clueless haha!

like.thunder on February 1, 2011 at 11:39 AM said...

I sort of feel your pain. My mom raised me pretty much on her own, and she's the closest person to me and I love her to bits, but during grades 9-10, we fought ALL the time. I ran away, lied, talked back, did all the horrible teenage things that my mom definitely didn't deserve and did not bring onto herself.

Looking back on it, there was no real reason for my behavior and now I feel disgusted with how I acted back then. My mom has done nothing but been the best mom ever, and acting out - well I guess it was part of my growing up. It was really tough, but it passed.

As a parent, I think there's only so much you can do, no? You can't always control your kid, she has to learn from her own mistakes. I think back then I didn't realize how much I was hurting my mom by doing the things I did. In my eyes, she was simply being controlling and mean, not someone who's going through her own struggles while trying to put me on the right path.

I hope everything works out for you.

Quiet Dreams on February 10, 2011 at 10:56 AM said...

I'm so sorry. No advice here, but I know you will get through this.

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