I am not sure who or what identify with anymore. I have always identified myself as a woman, obviously, because I am one. I try not to identify myself solely on being a mother, wife, sister, daughter or friend. All of those are amazing things to be, no doubt, but I don't want to be known as "Beautiful Mess, Dirty's wife" or "Beautiful Mess, Nae and Zilla's mom". It's not that I am ashamed of being a friend, mother, wife, sister, or daughter, I just feel I am MORE then that. I am also a nursing student, but more importantly I am ME. The only problem is, who is "me"?
Today in psychology class we were talking about wearing masks throughout your life. Sometimes those masks are needed, such as when you're at work vs when you're with your friends. Most of the time, you can't act the same in both places. So when you're at work or with your friends you wear the appropriate mask. Those are, apparently, "healthy masks". I raised my hand and asked "what are unhealthy masks?" I knew the answer already, if I had just sat and thought about it I would've figured it out, but I was too quick to get an answer. Or maybe it was just something that I needed to hear, rather then think. He said "an unhealthy masks is one you wear after a trauma, emotional or physical. Sometimes it becomes second nature and you don't even think about it anymore, it becomes a part of you. Eventually though, your two worlds collide and your unhealthy mask will fall and your healthy mask will prevail." I just laughed to myself because could he be reading my mind or know my situation any more? I mean, really? Trauma? Unhealthy masks? Apparently I am, in fact, a cliche.
So, I'm still wearing my unhealthy mask and right now? That's comfortable for me. I know I can't wear this mask forever and I can already feel my two worlds getting closer and closer. I'm sure they'll collide soon, I don't think it'll happen in days, but within a matter of months, MY mask will overcome the mask I've been wearing since my mom died.
I'm not sure who I'll be after my unhealthy masks falls, but I know I won't be the same "happy go lucky" woman I was. On the other hand, I won't be the "everyone is going to go off and die on me" woman I am now. A combination of the two, maybe? Can the two me's reside in one person? I'm sure they can, but I am a little bit afraid to find out who the new person I will end up being. I'm sure I will still have the same qualities I possessed before, as well as the cautious nature I have now. It will be awfully interesting to see how the people who didn't know me before my mom died react, but I can't do anything about their reactions. I'm sure my family will be happy to see more of the "before me" come back. And the people who don't know me yet will not know the difference. That's the part that blows my mind. Right now my life is split into two categories "the people that knew me before and the ones that know me now". There's never EVEN been a thought of the third part, so I guess that's progress? Once again, only time will tell how all of this will pan out. I'm not ready for the change, but I am ready to start THINKING bout the change.
Maybe the collision of my two worlds won't be as dramatic as I think it's going to be. Maybe, just MAYBE it's a gradual collision and it won't leave me with more trauma. Because frankly? I don't think I can handle anymore trauma.