Sep 30, 2010


Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I am not sure who or what identify with anymore. I have always identified myself as a woman, obviously, because I am one. I try not to identify myself solely on being a mother, wife, sister, daughter or friend. All of those are amazing things to be, no doubt, but I don't want to be known as "Beautiful Mess, Dirty's wife" or "Beautiful Mess, Nae and Zilla's mom". It's not that I am ashamed of being a friend, mother, wife, sister, or daughter, I just feel I am MORE then that. I am also a nursing student, but more importantly I am ME. The only problem is, who is "me"?

Today in psychology class we were talking about wearing masks throughout your life. Sometimes those masks are needed, such as when you're at work vs when you're with your friends. Most of the time, you can't act the same in both places. So when you're at work or with your friends you wear the appropriate mask. Those are, apparently, "healthy masks". I raised my hand and asked "what are unhealthy masks?" I knew the answer already, if I had just sat and thought about it I would've figured it out, but I was too quick to get an answer. Or maybe it was just something that I needed to hear, rather then think. He said "an unhealthy masks is one you wear after a trauma, emotional or physical. Sometimes it becomes second nature and you don't even think about it anymore, it becomes a part of you. Eventually though, your two worlds collide and your unhealthy mask will fall and your healthy mask will prevail." I just laughed to myself because could he be reading my mind or know my situation any more? I mean, really? Trauma? Unhealthy masks? Apparently I am, in fact, a cliche.

So, I'm still wearing my unhealthy mask and right now? That's comfortable for me. I know I can't wear this mask forever and I can already feel my two worlds getting closer and closer. I'm sure they'll collide soon, I don't think it'll happen in days, but within a matter of months, MY mask will overcome the mask I've been wearing since my mom died.

I'm not sure who I'll be after my unhealthy masks falls, but I know I won't be the same "happy go lucky" woman I was. On the other hand, I won't be the "everyone is going to go off and die on me" woman I am now. A combination of the two, maybe? Can the two me's reside in one person? I'm sure they can, but I am a little bit afraid to find out who the new person I will end up being. I'm sure I will still have the same qualities I possessed before, as well as the cautious nature I have now. It will be awfully interesting to see how the people who didn't know me before my mom died react, but I can't do anything about their reactions. I'm sure my family will be happy to see more of the "before me" come back. And the people who don't know me yet will not know the difference. That's the part that blows my mind. Right now my life is split into two categories "the people that knew me before and the ones that know me now". There's never EVEN been a thought of the third part, so I guess that's progress? Once again, only time will tell how all of this will pan out. I'm not ready for the change, but I am ready to start THINKING bout the change.

Maybe the collision of my two worlds won't be as dramatic as I think it's going to be. Maybe, just MAYBE it's a gradual collision and it won't leave me with more trauma. Because frankly? I don't think I can handle anymore trauma.

8 friends have commented:

Miss Ruby on October 1, 2010 at 2:26 AM said...

When the two worlds collide - which they will do, they always do[!] - you will handle it, you will handle it with grace, with courage and your fighting survivor spirit. Why? Because you are YOU and you rock.

You're a survivor, a fighter and a beautiful person with a gorgeous heart.

When those two world collide my friend, I promise to be here ready to support you in anyway I can.


WiseGuy on October 1, 2010 at 4:58 AM said...

Even if they collide, I want you to come out a winner.

We wear masks, and cloaks...several at the same time!

Mrs Bee on October 1, 2010 at 8:09 AM said...

You will still be a beautiful, kind and caring person...
Just stronger and wiser.

The rest, will fall into place.

And like Rach said, I'll catch you when you fall.

Much love wifey.

Danielle on October 1, 2010 at 12:38 PM said...

I think we all wear masks for one thing or another. Just like at Halloween, masks do not change who you are inside, they just disguise it for the time being. You are a beautiful, strong, caring person and getting rid of those masks will make those characteristics stand out more! The people who truly care for you will not judge you, they will stand by you no matter what!!! xoxo

Quiet Dreams on October 1, 2010 at 8:06 PM said...

I think another word for "unhealthy mask" is "coping skills." Sometimes the way we cope is healthier than other times, but it's all about working through the trauma.

You are still working out your "new normal" since your mom's death. Many hugs.

Jamie on October 3, 2010 at 8:11 AM said...

I don't think there will be a collision. I think you'll continue to grow and change until you realize that that mask doesn't fit anymore. And you'll just toss it without even looking back.

To quote Miss Ruby (because I couldn't have said it better myself), "You're a survivor, a fighter and a beautiful person with a gorgeous heart.

Soge shirts on October 3, 2010 at 4:25 PM said...

You just got to hang in there and take everything day by day. As you survive each day you will go stronger and continue to learn. You seem to have a great sense of humor and a great family even if not everything is exactly perfect. The two masks can merge into a dynamic strong woman but you must believe that you can handle things as they come.

CanadianMama on October 4, 2010 at 6:30 PM said...

From reading you over the years I don't think your still wearing that mask. I think you took it off a while ago but you put it back on sometimes when things get too tough. And that's okay - you are getting there!!

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