Sep 6, 2010

These Things Happen

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
The first 7 or so years of my marriage, I was blissfully unaware that marriage was work, constant work. Not bad work necessarily, but work nonetheless. After our first big fight around the 7 year mark, we realized we need to communicate better and raising children, trying to get pregnant and careers, are important but not as important as spending quality time with each other. Even if it's just a walk down to the corner market by ourselves. Time together is a must!

Ever since then, we've had a few ups and downs, but on the whole they were always resolved with an "I'm sorry" or something to that effect. This weekend was different. This weekend, Dirty packed some clothes, took the keys to the old car and left (he's back now). I was torn between helping him pack and wanting him to stay. By the time he actually packed his bag yesterday, we had been fighting since Friday. We hadn't been fighting as much as we weren't talking to each other. Except for yesterday, there were A LOT of word exchanged yesterday and some of them not so kind.

He was angry with me because I've been "bitchy" since we moved. And while I'd love to deny it and say he's wrong, he isn't. Since we moved, I have been very pissy. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I don't feel settled here, yet. I don't know if it's because NONE of our appliances are hooked up and we STILL don't have the fridge or dishwasher, or because I haven't slept well since we moved. I get woken up at least once a night by the puppy or Zilla wants to wake up EARLY or something is going on. I just haven't slept and no sleep makes me a VERY bitchy lady! I already did the newborn-wake-up-every-2-hours thing, I was NOT aware I was going to have to do it again with a puppy! It's bull shit and the fact that NOBODY told me? Not cool at all, people!

Anyway, we also realized yesterday that there are some issues on my end that I need to work on (there are some issues on his end too, but this is MY blog and MY space and if I have things to fix, this is where I get to fix them). He said when he asks me "what's wrong" and I don't tell him and he KNOWS something is up, it hurts him. He asks because he wants to help, this all sounds WAY too familiar. We went through the same crap after my mom died. I finally broke down into a puddle of tears and told him, "I can't tell you anything! I can't tell anyone anything! I don't confide in anyone!" And there it is, y'all! The root of all our problems for the past 4 years, I can't let anyone in because I don't want to feel the way I did when my mom died. I can't go through that again. Also, the whole Peaches being a spoiled brat and our friendship not being what it use to be didn't help much either. Once again it happened with my old roommate, I treated her fairly and she didn't do the same. In reality she did the exact opposite of treating me fairly. So, that's three people that I've let in and now they are gone. That makes me not want to let anyone in and not be vulnerable, to anyone.

Dirty said it hurts his feelings and makes him feels as if I don't trust him when I say "I'm fine" and I'm not. I get that. I would probably feel the same way, so I promised to TRY to open up. This isn't going to be easy for many reasons, some of which I already stated but also because I hate whiny people! I seriously can NOT stand people who do nothing but complain. It really makes me stabby and twitchy. I'm sure I can open up and not be whiny, least I hope so!

Here goes EVERYTHING.....wish me luck!

8 friends have commented:

JJ on September 6, 2010 at 12:53 PM said...

Such a hard thing to admit when we are in the wrong, isnt it? Im sorry it has been tense-but we are here to cheer you along as you all move forward. ((hugs))

Dolli-Mama on September 6, 2010 at 2:53 PM said...

Marriage is very hard work. I am so proud of you for putting the effort in. I know you will do everything you need to do, even though it isn't easy.

Quiet Dreams on September 6, 2010 at 5:26 PM said...

It can be so hard to open up the wound, especially when you have such recent memories of hurting. I do the same thing (but in different ways, probably because I am without partner) with shutting people out mostly because I don't want to admit to MYSELF that I am hurting, AGAIN. Lots of love to you. Many, many hugs.

Mrs. Gamgee on September 6, 2010 at 7:20 PM said...

It's hard to let people in when we've been hurt, but it's something that we need to do (I struggle with this one too in a big way). I will be praying that you and Dirty find your way through this tough time and come out stronger on the other side.

Anonymous said...

You can totally do this and it will make your marriage stronger and happier. *hug* I love your attitude. Sometimes life sucks and it gets hard, but you know it's worth fighting for.

Kristin on September 6, 2010 at 8:29 PM said...

You can definitely do it D! You made the first very big step by admitting partial responsibility for what's been going on.

CanadianMama on September 7, 2010 at 6:55 AM said...

You've gone through SO many changes in the past year it's a wonder there hasn't been more fighting! Good for you for seeing his side and I'm sure it will start to calm down in your house soon!

Big Hugs!!

Andrea on September 18, 2010 at 9:02 PM said...

Sounds to me like they need YOU to be running that office. And to think it is your taxes in there being used to pay their salaries and the assistance they give out. So you have every right to be confused, outraged, and down right bitchy about their ridiculous ways! Hot chocolate got me through a few bad weeks. And a parenting class taught by the most theraputic (I can't spell) instructor I've ever met.

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