The first 7 or so years of my marriage, I was blissfully unaware that marriage was work, constant work. Not bad work necessarily, but work nonetheless. After our first big fight around the 7 year mark, we realized we need to communicate better and raising children, trying to get pregnant and careers, are important but not as important as spending quality time with each other. Even if it's just a walk down to the corner market by ourselves. Time together is a must!
Ever since then, we've had a few ups and downs, but on the whole they were always resolved with an "I'm sorry" or something to that effect. This weekend was different. This weekend, Dirty packed some clothes, took the keys to the old car and left (he's back now). I was torn between helping him pack and wanting him to stay. By the time he actually packed his bag yesterday, we had been fighting since Friday. We hadn't been fighting as much as we weren't talking to each other. Except for yesterday, there were A LOT of word exchanged yesterday and some of them not so kind.
He was angry with me because I've been "bitchy" since we moved. And while I'd love to deny it and say he's wrong, he isn't. Since we moved, I have been very pissy. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I don't feel settled here, yet. I don't know if it's because NONE of our appliances are hooked up and we STILL don't have the fridge or dishwasher, or because I haven't slept well since we moved. I get woken up at least once a night by the puppy or Zilla wants to wake up EARLY or something is going on. I just haven't slept and no sleep makes me a VERY bitchy lady! I already did the newborn-wake-up-every-2-hours thing, I was NOT aware I was going to have to do it again with a puppy! It's bull shit and the fact that NOBODY told me? Not cool at all, people!
Anyway, we also realized yesterday that there are some issues on my end that I need to work on (there are some issues on his end too, but this is MY blog and MY space and if I have things to fix, this is where I get to fix them). He said when he asks me "what's wrong" and I don't tell him and he KNOWS something is up, it hurts him. He asks because he wants to help, this all sounds WAY too familiar. We went through the same crap after my mom died. I finally broke down into a puddle of tears and told him, "I can't tell you anything! I can't tell anyone anything! I don't confide in anyone!" And there it is, y'all! The root of all our problems for the past 4 years, I can't let anyone in because I don't want to feel the way I did when my mom died. I can't go through that again. Also, the whole Peaches being a spoiled brat and our friendship not being what it use to be didn't help much either. Once again it happened with my old roommate, I treated her fairly and she didn't do the same. In reality she did the exact opposite of treating me fairly. So, that's three people that I've let in and now they are gone. That makes me not want to let anyone in and not be vulnerable, to anyone.
Dirty said it hurts his feelings and makes him feels as if I don't trust him when I say "I'm fine" and I'm not. I get that. I would probably feel the same way, so I promised to TRY to open up. This isn't going to be easy for many reasons, some of which I already stated but also because I hate whiny people! I seriously can NOT stand people who do nothing but complain. It really makes me stabby and twitchy. I'm sure I can open up and not be whiny, least I hope so!
Here goes EVERYTHING.....wish me luck!