The comments from my last post? AMAZING! Thank you ALL so much. I truly value each and every one. As always, every word made me feel tons better.
Dirty was gone for most of the day helping his dad cut down a tree, we opted not to go because the children would have been bored. Dealing with bored children at my in-laws house didn't sound very appealing in the least. Instead, I took a nap (YAY) and the three of us cleaned the house. I also got to watch Mamma Mia and cried through most of it. I don't know why but that movie makes me cry happy and sad tears. Anyway, since Dirty was gone all day, I was able to reflect on my mood and our fight from last week. I thought about my post and the beautiful words that were left in the comments. I realized that it is OK to feel overwhelmed by everything, including a move that is suppose to be positive. Also? Dirty was gone from 7AM-3PM and the "OMG I haven't heard from him all day, he's dead" thoughts didn't start until 1:00. PROGRESS!
I did talk to Dirty tonight, after he started the conversation with me. I'm STILL not quite to the point where I can start off a deep conversation about what's going on inside my head. I'm getting there, though. I told him how I'm scared of being depressed and getting to where I was before. The more I thought about it and talked to him, the more I think it's the FEAR of being depressed then actually BEING depressed. I may have been going into that dark place or it may have been just another wave of grief. Or maybe the two are the same? I'm not sure and I don't think it matters. What does matter is that I (along with a lot of support and help) got out of it the first time and I can do it again.
I use to never have a problem with change, but apparently that has changed. A lot has changed since the day my mom died. Every new event that happens in our life is always peppered with thoughts of "mom should be here". From small things to big things, mom should be part of them. She should have been the one helping me put my kitchen together, I shouldn't have had to do it by myself. But the reality is that she isn't here experiencing them with us and there is nothing I can do to change that. My feelings are my feelings and there is nothing wrong with having them, no matter how long it's been since she died. I'll, most likely, never get over her death. Am I even suppose too? I doubt it very much.
This is my new reality and even though its been almost 5 years, it's still so new. I don't know how to live a life without my mom in it. I'm a slow learner, but at least I'm learning?