Sep 18, 2010

New Day, Different Emotions

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
The comments from my last post? AMAZING! Thank you ALL so much. I truly value each and every one. As always, every word made me feel tons better.

Dirty was gone for most of the day helping his dad cut down a tree, we opted not to go because the children would have been bored. Dealing with bored children at my in-laws house didn't sound very appealing in the least. Instead, I took a nap (YAY) and the three of us cleaned the house. I also got to watch Mamma Mia and cried through most of it. I don't know why but that movie makes me cry happy and sad tears. Anyway, since Dirty was gone all day, I was able to reflect on my mood and our fight from last week. I thought about my post and the beautiful words that were left in the comments. I realized that it is OK to feel overwhelmed by everything, including a move that is suppose to be positive. Also? Dirty was gone from 7AM-3PM and the "OMG I haven't heard from him all day, he's dead" thoughts didn't start until 1:00. PROGRESS!

I did talk to Dirty tonight, after he started the conversation with me. I'm STILL not quite to the point where I can start off a deep conversation about what's going on inside my head. I'm getting there, though. I told him how I'm scared of being depressed and getting to where I was before. The more I thought about it and talked to him, the more I think it's the FEAR of being depressed then actually BEING depressed. I may have been going into that dark place or it may have been just another wave of grief. Or  maybe the two are the same? I'm not sure and I don't think it matters. What does matter is that I (along with a lot of support and help) got out of it the first time and I can do it again.

I use to never have a problem with change, but apparently that has changed. A lot has changed since the day my mom died. Every new event that happens in our life is always peppered with thoughts of "mom should be here". From small things to big things, mom should be part of them. She should have been the one helping me put my kitchen together, I shouldn't have had to do it by myself. But the reality is that she isn't here experiencing them with us and there is nothing I can do to change that. My feelings are my feelings and there is nothing wrong with having them, no matter how long it's been since she died. I'll, most likely, never get over her death. Am I even suppose too? I doubt it very much.

This is my new reality and even though its been almost 5 years, it's still so new. I don't know how to live a life without my mom in it. I'm a slow learner, but at least I'm learning?

6 friends have commented:

Miss Ruby on September 19, 2010 at 12:16 AM said...

No, I don't think you're ever supposed to get over losing someone you loved ever so much, regardless of what relationship you had them be it, lover, partner, friend or family.

Your last line is spot on - you learn something every day, whether you're aware of it or not, sometimes it's something big other times it's something so small it doesn't seem significant but it is.

As everyday passes, it will bring with it a little more peace. Will there ever come a day where you feel complete peace? No probably not but I think there are very few in this world who are at complete peace with their lot in life. And besides, if you reach that state of complete peace - what else is there left to strive for?

In my "opinion" and "experience" the first step is admitting that hey perhaps you're not coping, that hey perhaps you're not as happy as you "should" be [but then WHO has the right to tell YOU how happy you SHOULD be anyway?] and then go from there.

Life becomes easier, when you work with your "issues" rather than around them.

But above all that, so you're not perfect, welcome to the real world honey, no one is, I know I'm far from it! And yet despite that imperfection - YOU ROCK! You rock in every way imaginable and I H-A-T-E that you live so damn far away from me!!



Quiet Dreams on September 19, 2010 at 8:33 AM said...

I definitely can relate to that "fear of depression worse than the depression" thing.

So many hugs for you. I didn't know your mom, but I think she would be very proud of you.

Kristin on September 19, 2010 at 9:41 AM said...

You never get over it when you lose someone you love. The pain recedes and it becomes more of a dull ache than a throbbing pain but it is always there. Lots of {{{hugs}}}

kate on September 20, 2010 at 8:48 AM said...

Sometimes I think it's hardest to talk about depression with the ones that are dearest to us. I can't even begin to really delve in to the depths with H-- It's like I just love him too much to lay that burden on him.

Anyway, yes, we never truly get over the loved ones we've lost, especially one as close as our parents. And yes, entering times of change often brings a lot of sadness to the surface, that our loved ones aren't there to experience the change with us. Thinking of you...

JJ on September 20, 2010 at 7:34 PM said...

Ive told you how proud I am of you for ALL that you are getting done--and being the best YOU for I hope those scary thoughts of depression stay far from you--you deserve to be in the LIGHT. Sending you big hugs!

Andrea on September 21, 2010 at 9:05 PM said...

The hardest thing for me, is letting myself feel bad. I think as mothers, wives and often times as women we are expected to hold everything together. I say let yourself grieve as much as you need to. Now finding time and space for that, well I have not figured that one out yet. So if you come up with any ideas let me know. :)

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