Sep 16, 2010

Internal Dialog

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Ever since we moved, maybe before, I've had this internal dialog that goes a little something like this "I don't give a shit" or "Oh really YOU have a headache?! You poor thing, ya gonna make it?" Needless to say, it isn't a nice dialog, not even a little bit. I don't say these things out loud for a few reasons, 1) I'm pissy because I'm tired and 2) going off on whomever is pissing me off at the time isn't going to do anyone any good. I don't even think I'd feel good if I spoke these feelings out loud. I would most likely just feel bad and that's not helpful either.

Since we moved, I feel I've made a lot of sacrifices. Some that are evident and some that aren't. I don't want to be anyone to throw me a party because I gave up on something little, but maybe a little recognition would be nice? I feel like I'm under SO much stress and instead of wanting to deal with the situations that are causing me stress, all I want to do is go to bed. I don't give a shit if there isn't any gas in the car, figure it out. I want to scream and yell at everyone and tell them to go the fuck away and just stop talking to me! I am clearly unhappy and I have no idea why. I should be ecstatic! We have a house, our own house! A place where we can rip up the lawn if we feel like it, paint the walls whatever color we want. We don't need permission to do anything, that's pretty exciting, but there's also the debt that goes along with it. Besides vehicles, we've never had any sort of debt before. We never had a credit card, we never took out loans, so this debt that is looming over me, is driving me crazy. Not to mention school hasn't started and summer term sucked, so there's no money coming in for about 2 weeks. And the bills just keep piling up and up.

Yesterday Dirty and I were talking about my schedule and the classes I am taking are all evening class, not ideal, I agree, but we do what we gotta do. Instead of me taking his suggestions I got my feelings hurt. It totally felt like he was telling me "you fucked up! How are you suppose to take care of me, the children, your dad, and dinner if you're not here?" Instead of me asking him or talking it out, I just shut down. It isn't the first time and it won't be the last. This feels a lot like how I was when I was depressed. When I came to grips with my mom's death, I just shut down. All I did was lay on the couch staring into nothing. I barely made any conversation with anyone, even if I did all the things I was "suppose" to do during the day. I'd get the children off to school, but after that, my best friend was my couch. I felt numb and hopeless, I feel a lot like that right now. I don't know what to do about it. I have NOTHING to be depressed about. We just bought a house! So many people would KILL to be in my situation and I'm depressed about it? That's a little fucked up, don't you think? I honestly have no idea what to do.

Another thing that is frustrating to me is the state insurance the kids are on. I am SO thankful they have insurance, but the hoops I have to jump through really piss me off. I went to my yearly intake appointment and because Dirty isn't working and I'm a student, we get food stamps, which is very helpful and I totally appreciate it, but it is SO back-ass-wards! The kids and Dirty are counted on the report but I don't because I don't have a part time job, nor am I in the work study program through the school. Even though I am a full time student, I don't get any benefits because I am not working....while going to school FULL TIME! I don't get it. So if I weren't going to school, I would get MORE benefits? Dirty isn't working because someone needs to take care of the children and my dad, so i just need to do the same and we'll get more benefits?

When I was there I inquired about gas cards and cash benefits, I was told that I needed to be in the "JOBS" program or be in an immediate emergency situation. "So, looking at colleges to get my nursing degree doesn't count?" "No, you would have to be actively looking for a job". Wait, what?! How does THAT make any sense? Granted I'm not in DIRE need of either of those, though they would come in pretty fucking handy right about now, but shouldn't, as a student, one get SOMETHING? I'm not one for asking for a handout and if it weren't for Nae and Zilla needing to be insured I wouldn't have ever stepped foot into that office, but now that I have, I don't like the way things are ran at all. *sigh*

All of this combined with whatever is going on with me means I am not doing well. I am confused, bitchy, defensive, and honestly, probably having a glass of wine too early in the day. Not like with my morning coffee, but at 5:00. That's early for me. I'm not getting drunk or anything, but by 5, I am SO ready for a glass of wine and the relaxing feeling it gives me. And I don't do a damn thing all day to be stressed out over! If I'm feeling like this now, what happens when school starts in 2 weeks? Good grief, I am a mess...again!

6 friends have commented:

Miss Ruby on September 16, 2010 at 11:20 PM said...

Oh honey, reading this left me with a heavy heart...

I totally get everything about this post but especially this line:-

"I have NOTHING to be depressed about."

because honestly I get told that all the time and hey maybe the people who tell me are right but yet I can't shake it, I'm not happy and I'm still unsure why and what's making me unhappy.

I wish you nothing but peace my friend, you so deserve it along with oodles of happiness but as I've learnt the hard way, it can't be forced. When it's ready it will arrive, until then I'm happy to hold you up, we can support each other.

Lots and lots of love my friend and super squishy huggles from Down Under!


My name is Andy. on September 17, 2010 at 2:54 AM said...

{{{{HUGS}}}} the stress of moving, school, and life can be so overwhelming. Can you take a few hours just for you? Grab a book and head to the park? Just do something special for you. I bet it will help!

Hang in there.

CanadianMama on September 17, 2010 at 6:49 AM said...

But it's okay to be a mess sometimes! And after the year you've had it seems like it's about time. You've had so many changes and good or bad they are changes. And change is hard!

Also, you yourself said it was hard having your dad move in with all his stuff and your mom's stuff. I bet that has gotten to you a bit too.

Give yourself a break...and some time! You are intuitive and you aspire to be healthy. You will figure it all out and get there soon!

Love love!!

Quiet Dreams on September 17, 2010 at 12:11 PM said...

There's a reason that moving is on those lists of "most stressful life events." It's fucking stressful.

I also find that when I have stress in one area of my life (for example, moving house) the stress levels in other areas tend to creep upward (example, interpersonal relationships). Things tend to snowball for me.

As for the "shutting down," that may just be how you deal when you are overwhelmed. I go into a cave. Some people lash out. It's just how we deal. That doesn't mean you're crayzee or that the people who lash out are.

My last comment will be about how you seem to be evaluating your progres/current mood/level of stress and are finding yourself lacking. I do this all the time. I'm thinking about writing a post about it. You are ok. You will be ok. Just because today you're stressed, doesn't mean you will be a mess when school starts.

I have been answering this from my perspective because, well, that's all I've got. If I got something wrong about you, feel free to cuss me out in your head in one of those little internal dialog things you've got going.

And I think you're really fantastic, and, well, if _I_ think it, that's all that matters, right? (smoochies)

Kristin on September 17, 2010 at 12:29 PM said...

Oh honey...if you look at those scales that psychologist use to rate stress, you have hit a LOT of the major stressors in your life. Try to remember to take a deep breath and don't take it personally that the aid rules are so fucked up. {{{Hugs}}}

Anonymous said...

Hi. I was talking to you on twitter tonight, (@randaroopoo) and had to check out your blog. I hate the freaking hoops that you have to jump through to get basic help. We went through all that last year and only managed to get help for two months...I don't get how crack heads can get more help then we did! They apparently can jump through the hoops better.
I also hate that they just seem to be judging you the entire time.
Anyway I hope that it gets better. I know it's easy to say this and I've heard it before too. But it will get better. Keep your head up no matter how hard it is to hold it up.
Okay now to check out the rest of your posts!!

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