TOO MUCH!

I can't even begin to tell you how much is going on! I seriously long for the days when it was just school that was hard. Throw in some teenager antics and life, I feel like, is nearly impossible to handle.

Yeah math is hard. Yeah chemistry is hard. Yeah it has been difficult to balance everything, but I would MUCH rather try to balance school and normal home life.

It all started the last week in September. I got a call from the school saying there was an altercation with Nae and another student and I needed to come get her and talk to the vice principal. Dirty and I jump into the car, totally shocked that Nae had gotten into a fight. Once we got all the details, it turned out that Nae had defended herself. Granted, she didn't do it in a timely manner and instead of standing up for herself IN the moment, she waited until lunch. We have always taught her to defend herself, we never made it clear to do it AT the time. She knows now, as does Zilla. So, she was suspended for a FULL week because of the aggressiveness of her actions and the other girl was "only" suspended for 3 days. We felt grounding her wasn't the way to go so we gave her many talks and went about our business. Her nose was pretty swollen and by Monday when the swelling had gone down, we noticed it was crooked. Dirty took her to the hospital while I went to class. Sure enough, it was fractured. SON OF A BITCH! And of course, the only ENT in our network was out until November and we needed to get her nose fixed BY the 10 day park of the injury, otherwise she would have needed a FULL rhinoplasty. I take her to the only ENT in our area and he suggested surgery. It is only called "surgery" because she was going to have to be put under and it will be done in an actual operating room. This was all on a Wednesday. The surgery/procedure had to happen BY Monday, otherwise, real surgery was going to be the only way to fix it. Of course, our insurance didn't feel the need to jump right on the request to have an out of network doctor do something, that would have made things far too easy. Friday afternoon/early evening, I FINALLY got the call that everything was a go. Thank you universe! Monday we all wake up at the ass crack of dawn and drive to the hospital, get her nose fixed and then go home. She missed the next week of school because her nose was so fragile and if she got bumped again, her nose could cave and obviously we didn't want that. So, that's 2 weeks off of school, so far. She was doing her homework and I was in contact with her teachers the whole time.

The Monday she goes back to school, she goes to hang out with her friends and I get a phone call from the kid's mom saying the 2 were involved in a car accident!!!! Nae is fine and her son probably has a broken hand. We go to the hospital AGAIN to pick her up and find out what the fuck was going on. I wasn't aware she was in a vehicle with this kid, not only was she NOT suppose to be in his car but she told me he had fell and broke his hand that way, via text messages. I was pissed, Dirty was angry but chalked it up to her being a teenager. His way of thinking was that when he acted up as a teenager, he got all his freedoms and EVERYTHING taken away and it didn't matter, he just got more angry and acted out more. I never did this kind of shit as a teenager, so I was allowing him to make the final decision on punishment. Ahhh so cute how naive I was! So, instead of grounding her for the rest of her life, we decided to go with the "you almost DIED today" route. Which is true, I saw the condition of the vehicle after the accident and had there not been airbags, I would be telling a COMPLETELY different story. That is a very scary thought! And on that hasn't been far from my mind since I got the phone call. So yeah....scary.

We kept her home from school on Tuesday because she was pretty sore and banged up from the accident. therefore, she wasn't able to get into any trouble on Tuesday. Wednesday, we found out that on Monday, she wasn't just late to class, but she ended up missing the last 2 periods AND is failing one of her classes. I try to direct Dirty on how to approach this, but he's just so convinced that "coming down hard" on her wasn't the right way to go. I'm telling him "we've given her a lot of freedoms and I think we need to reign her in". He keeps going to the whole "if my parents had just talked to me instead of punished me and took away all my shit, I think it would have been better", finally I have to blurt out that our daughter is having sex and is not making good choices right now. He proceeds to freak the hell out, rightly so and wants to ground her for the rest of her life. I try to tell him that we can't ground her for having sex, but we do need to get her back on the right track. She gets home and we all talk and she gets lectured for 2 hours, informed that she is grounded and she isn't allowed to leave the house unless she's going to school. Her friends were allowed to come over to help her finish up any homework they are doing together, but they do not leave the house. We also informed her how close she came to dying, we even brought up the guilt factor and asked Zilla what he was thinking when we had to run to the hospital to get her. He cried and said 'Nae I was so scared, I thought you died, please don't die!" SOOOO sad! She cried harder and they hugged, it was cute and sweet. The rest of our evening went on, we were a happy little family and Dirty and I are patting each other on the backs for such great parenting. But...no.

Thursday one of my friends saw Nae walking home from school SMOKING a cigarette! She and her friend get home and I ask them what they were doing on their way home, I gave Nae every opportunity to come clean, she didn't. She gave me some bull shit story. I asked my friend if that's what she could've seen, hoping SO hard it was. It wasn't, apparently Nae had been smoking for a full block, so her story of "I was just holding it for so and so" was not true. Weird, I know. So after getting the real story from my friend, we confront Nae again and she comes clean. Pissed off once again. She got ALL her stuff taken away. No TV, no cell phone, no stereo, and no PS2...its all gone! She also has to ride the bus to and from school, no hanging out after school with her friends. Last weekend was the first weekend of her sentence and it was hard. It sucked for everyone. I don't like being mean and neither does Dirty, no matter how much we know it's for her own good. It still sucks!

Now, we just don't know what to do. We can't ground her forever, although that does sound pretty sweet, but there is going to come a time when we have to allow her to make her own decisions, no matter how stupid they are. We haven't even reached the one week mark and Dirty wants to cave. Thankfully we both want to cave at different points, so hopefully, there's no chance of caving. I just don't know exactly how to go about this. I'm not the great parent I was, I feel like an idiot now. I'm embarrassed, disappointed and pissed off! If only I knew for sure she had learned her lesson. If only.....

Its Been Awhile....

So...hello there! Clearly I've been super busy. I had math last term, as many of you know, and while I worked my ass OFF, it didn't end well. I didn't fail it, which is good, but I didn't get a C either. I got a D..OUCH! Apparently trig isn't my thing. I even asked and begged for help, but for some reason I was behind in the understanding from day one. The good thing is that when I retake it, it'll be mostly a review. Hopefully the second time around, I'll be able to pick things a bit easier and quicker. This term isn't as busy but still busy. I'm taking a technical writing class, which I love but it's tough! We have a research paper due at the end of term that's going to be about 10 pages long, SINGLE spaced. ACK! Of course I picked a difficult and controversial topic, embryo donation, but so far, I've gotten quite a bit of information. We'll see how all this pans out. I'm hoping for an A in the class and if I keep up the work I've been doing, I'll do just that.

The kiddos are doing well, too. Nae has been ungrounded for over a month now and not once has she screwed up! I'm really hoping that she learned her lesson and realized how stupid she was acting. I highly doubt we're at the end of all the insanity, but I know we can get through anything. Zilla is just as crazy as he's always been. That kid's energy level is through the roof! He also has a bit of an attitude, that I am consistently adjusting for him. I'm told this is normal, I have my doubts. Personally, I think he's trying to drive me crazy, but that's just me.

And NOW for the heavy shit. I'm pretty sure my dad has a girlfriend or something. Not sure what to call her because I think it's mostly online and phone calls. I don't know how they "met" or anything like that. I do know that they have talked on the phone a few times and post things on Facebook that make me want to throw up and scream. It sounds silly, me overacting over an "online" thing, but this is all new for me. I don't know how to act or if I have any reason to act a certain way. I haven't talked to him because I don't know what to say and I don't really want to talk to him about this. He deserves to me happy and if he is, that's great! I'll get over it, I'm sure, even if it turns out to be "something".

Right now, I'm just trying to be honest with my emotions and with myself. Ahhh how I love these little doses of reality.

Short but sweet post for now.

Dear Nae

Things are SO much better. Thank you for all of your advice and kind words. I'm still pretty confused and scared for Nae but overall things are tons better. I want to write her a letter to get it out of my head and then MOVE ON! I feel like I'm dragging this out and we ALL (especially me) need to move on.

Dear Nae,
Hey sweetie, I know 13 is a rough age, hell ALL ages are, but I can respect that this particular time in your life is pretty rough on you. I get that you are confused about EVERYTHING and you just don't understand why we won't let you do certain things while your other friends' parents let them. Yes, we're more strict, but believe me when I say "it's for your own good". It's not just something stupid us parents or adults say. It is the truth. I want you to fly, baby, I really do, but I want you to be safe! That has always been my goal in life, to make sure you are safe. I can't even begin tell you how much I love you and how much you've changed my life in the 13 years you've been in it.

It kills me that I have to let go and let you learn these lessons, but I know I have too. I know in the end you will be a beautiful (inside and out) woman, but right now, I need you to be kind to yourself. Please, be nice to yourself. Treat yourself as you would a friend. When those nasty thoughts pop into your head about your thighs, tell them to go away. When you feel like running away, remember it IS ok to feel that way, we all do, but it's all temporary. Remember when a boy says "don't you love me?" that love isn't conditional. Love is given freely and opening. It's not a bargaining chip to use to get what you want.

Renee, my beautiful mini me. You are perfect just the way you are! Nothing will ever change how I feel about you. I know this crap we're going through won't be the last time, but I have faith in our family, that we'll get through this. On the other side is a different relationship, it'll be a more even one. One where I'm not telling you what to do all the time. One where we will be more equal. I can't wait to share that with you. I can't wait to share the rest of your life with you.

I love you! Pink says it way better than I ever could...this is for you, love.

Made a wrong turn, once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life
Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No, it's all good', it didn't slow me down
Mistaken, always second guessing, underestimated
Look, I'm still around

Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me!

You're so mean, when you talk about yourself, you were wrong
Change the voices in your head, make them like you instead
So complicated, look happy, you'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred...such a tired game
It's enough! I've done all I can think of
Chased down all my demons, I've seen you do the same

Oh, pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're f*ckin' perfect to me

The whole world's scared so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line, and we try try try, but we try too hard and it's a waste of my time
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They dont like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves, and we do it all the time
Why do we do that? Why do I do that?

Why do I do that..?

Yeah, oh, oh baby, pretty baby..!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than f*ckin' perfect
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me
You're perfect, you're perfect!
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less thank f*kin' perfect,
Pretty pretty please, if you ever ever feel like you're nothing
You're perfect to me...

Love,
Mommy
P.S. The part about beer doesn't apply ;o)

God, This Sucks and An AWARD!!!!

First, good news! Kimbosue gave me an award! How sweet is THAT?! Thanks, hon!

Here's the deets, yo:
1. Thank and link back to the person who awarded you the award.
2. Share 7 things about yourself.
3. Award 15 other bloggers.
4. Contact these bloggers and tell them about the award.

Hmmm 7 things...pretty sure y'all know everything about me, but it's been awhile so let's do THIS!
1) I am doing HORRIBLY at math this term. Seriously. Karma is a bitch. It's what I get for being so damn cocky in my other math classes *sigh*

2) I am least talented person I know. I can't sing, can't draw, can barley cook, can sorta dance. The "talent" gene that EVERYONE else in my family has, skipped me.

3) This thing with Nae is really killing me.

4) Zilla slept in my bed last night because he had a bad dream and when I went to wake him up for school this morning, I got all choked up. I am too damn emotional right now.

5) Have a class of death, dying and transition on Fridays is SUCH a buzz kill!

6) My ethics class is my FAVORITE class! I often take the least popular side of the argument just to be a shit. So much fun!

7) I'm a texting whore! I literally text Danielle all day long just about every day. She says she loves it, but I'm not so sure ;)

Now 15 (!) bloggers to pass this on to. How about we just pass it on to a "few" bloggers. I think 15 is a bit too many.

Danielle because she puts up with my insane amount of texts and dramatics. Love ya girl!

The fabulous and beautiful Miss Ruby! You should go check out her blog, she just revamped it and it looks AMAZING!

The funny Sass and not ONLY because she's wearing hammer pants but also because she's my slutty wifey <3

Jamie because she needs a little pick me up right now.

Jules because she NEEDS a reason to blog, clearly! And since I've had a few posts in a row, I can nag her.

We Have Angel Wings because she didn't get to see her little one today because she was released from her RE to her OB! Great news, but she obviously wants to see her little bun. 

OK, 6 will do! If you want to do this, JUST DO IT! Let me know so I can pop on over and read what ya got.

Alright now to the "God, this sucks" portion of this post. My weekend was full of tears, texting friends, talking to anyone that would listen and getting a lot of great advice and support about Nae. I know she's 13 and all of this is going to happen, but I feel like she's going down a path she isn't ready for. I have never had a problem with her having friends that are boys, but if she's willing to lie to us to go over to a boy's house? That's sending up HUGE red flags in my mommy brain. We never checked up on her before because we never had a reason too. Of course there was meeting parents before she'd stay the night at a friend's house, but she had a lot of freedoms. I never went through her messages or emails, I never wanted to actually. More importantly, I felt like I didn't HAVE too. I trusted her. I've had many conversations with her about language, about sex, about EVERYTHING! I also know that the things kids are doing these days are A LOT different than when I was her age, but that doesn't mean it's still OK!

I went through her messages last night and it sucked SO much! I did not want to do it at all! I knew I had too, but that didn't mean I liked it. I felt like I was going through her diary, it was awful. Her and I had a talk after and I was very calm despite finding out some things that were a bit disturbing. There were a lot of tears on her part and lots of loving words coming from me. She, of course, has body image issues. I told her that it is normal to feel this way and validated her feelings while telling her how much I loved her. I don't think I'm being a "softy", I do think this is a tricky place to be in our relationship and the way these conversations go could effect our future relationship, so I'm trying to be stern, yet showering her with love. I'm honest with her about her punishment by telling her she's going to be grounded for awhile but also telling her that we can fix this but it is up to her. She lost our trust and it's going to take a long time to get that back. I really do not think she understands the impact of her choices yet. I don't even know if she should at 13. All I know is that this is a BIG deal and I do feel we're dealing with it appropriately, even though she might disagree.

I also think I may be over reacting a touch. I know I am taking it WAY too personally and I shouldn't, but I can't help it. A friend told me yesterday this "she's lying because she knows what she's doing is wrong. You're a good mama!" That made me feel better because I feel like SUCH a failure. I feel like I've done everything "right" and I think that's why this came as such a shock. I am questioning everything I'm doing. Am I going out too much? Should I quit school? Does she need me more? Am I being to easy on her? Where did I go wrong?! Am I setting a bad example for her by having a glass of wine? These thoughts are killing me! I just don't know what to do, or even if there is ANYTHING I can do! I'm staying strong, when she's around. When she isn't, I'm a mess of these awful swirling thoughts and worry.

If anyone has any advice or words of encouragement, I'll gladly take them! Personal experience from when you were young, something a friend went through and how it was dealt with, ANYTHING, I'm seriously at a loss. All I ask is that you PLEASE don't attack my mothering, I feel enough of a failure as it is. Thank you!

What Happens Now?

Nae has turned into a full fledged teenager and I am so upset, crushed, hurt, and scared.

She lied to us yesterday.

She was ungrounded for exactly 5 days. What. The. Hell?!

She wanted to go over to her friend's house and told Dirty that her friend's step-mom was home and his dad was going to be home around 1:00. Dirty thought it was a little strange that she made a point of telling him that her friend's dad is going to be home at 1:00. (Side note: this is a boy, yes but not a boy friend. She's been friends with this boy since 2nd grade and has been over there many times to hang out). We took her over there and Dirty told Nae he wanted to see a parent wave at us, she went to the door, came back to the car and said "his step-mom is in the shower", Dirty said "OK, we'll just wait". Oh man! You should have seen the look on her face! She paled, her eyes got a little shifty, and I'm pretty sure she was sweating. After a few minutes Dirty asked her if there was even an adult there, her answer was no and she knew it the whole time. WHAT?! I seriously lost my shit! Not for ONE second did I think she was lying and knew this kid's mom wasn't home. That was the last thing I expected, even after her sneaking out last month. I was so shocked, Dirty was pissed, Nae was crying, and Zilla was like "hey, what's going on", kid is so oblivious. We took her phone away, AGAIN, she's lost any privileges she had, and she's on chore duty. Good part is, my house has never been so clean, bad part is, my heart is broken.

Sneaking out was bad enough, but I sort of understand. Who doesn't want to go out at 1:00 and see what it's like? It is pretty thrilling. Of course, I didn't tell her that because she disobeyed the rules and broke a law. So, she was punished, This? This feels differently. I don't know if it's because she JUST got out of trouble from her antics in December or what, but I am taking this one hard. I feel like I'm losing her. I am questioning every conversation we've ever had, wondering if she was telling me the truth. If she lied about this, what else has she lied about that we didn't know? Has she had alcohol, done drugs, had sex? She's told me no, but I don't know what to believe anymore.

When my niece lied about almost being abducted by a stranger, it was for attention because her parents were getting a divorce. That kind of shit is expected and understood when a huge upheaval happens in a family, but we haven't had any sort of upheaval to make Nae think she needs attention. Dirty and I do the right things. We talk to her about her day, we listen to her, we have family dinners and all of us converse about the day, we joke with her, we have family movie nights, we give her some space, so I have NO idea what the hell is going on with that kid! We don't go out and leave the children alone for hours at a time, she doesn't have to raise her little brother, nor does she have a laundry list of chores to do because we're too lazy to do them. Seriously, this isn't your typical teenager needs attention and is acting out.

I am just so confused, hurt, and scared. I don't know what to think or do. I know I am taking this very personally but I don't know how else to do it. I know I'm a good mom to her but what happens now? Where do we go from here? I feel like I lost my little girl and I don't know how to get her back or if that's even possible.

I'm not a stupid mom. Naive? Very! Which is why I didn't think she was lying to us. I don't even know how long it is going to take for her to win our trust back, but it won't be any time soon. In the mean time, I have no idea what to do. I know I'm probably being all over dramatic about this and I know it could be SO much worse, but the thing is, I don't WANT it to get or be so much worse. This is bad enough.

She's FINE!

I didn't want to post an update on Nae until we got a definite answer from someone who didn't study only a term of the heart. We took her to her follow up appointment on Monday and he confirmed that her heart looked great. No structural problems, no irregular heart beats, all is good! WHEW good news! We did find out that her blood pressure is on the lower side of normal, so she just needs to make sure she's NOT locking her knees and is aware if/when she gets tunnel vision. And if she does start seeing spots or gets tunnel vision, she needs to LAY DOWN! That way she won't smack her face on the floor and get a pretty bruise on her face and a concussion.So all is well there.

I know a lot of bloggers have posted already about Wise Guy and her little Lola but I just can't NOT post as well. I know from reading a lot of blogs that this loss has hit us all very hard. I know it has hit me very hard. I cried many tears when I learned that Lola was on a ventilator. I sent out texts to various bloggers and we all sent TONS of love. But we were SO hopeful! So much hope. Come to find out that Lola passed away was a HUGE blow to me. I cried, I asked why, I was in disbelief. The first words that came out of my mouth were "NOOOO!" I felt and still kind of do feel betrayed, I just don't know why. Not that knowing why would make any difference, but still! I didn't know what to do with these emotions. I, of course, cried, said a prayer for Wise Guy and her family, but what can I do with these emotions? I went to her blog and I read all her comments that so many people have left and it made me feel a little better. There are NO words that can describe the pain Wise Guy is going through, but I HAVE to believe she can feel the love we are all sending her. So, that's what I'm doing. I am sending Wise Guy all the love I have. In addition to that, I am also sending love to everyone else that knows Wise Guy.

Wise Guy, we love you and we'll be here for you always and forever. Lola is in our hearts and that will never change.

Oh! Why Hello There!

Well, look at that! It's been quite a long time since I last wrote here. So much has happened, both good and bad. Let's see...Nae is still grounded, she's awfully happy about that too. She does, however, have her phone and computer back. She was allowed to go over to her friend's house without Dirty or myself last weekend, she was good and didn't do anything stupid (that we know of) and came home on time. She says she's learned her lesson, but she's 13, so I highly doubt it. I'm, sure she's sorry (that she got caught) and is scared shitless. Both are good. As of right now, she is earning back our trust and as we see fit, she'll get her privileges back. She is taking her punishment very well. No slamming of doors, no telling us she hates us or any of that. She's a smart kid, she knows she screwed up. So yeah, that's good! YAY Nae!

So the bad is that I did send my older sister the letter. She didn't take one word I said as anything but an attack. Not only did she share the letter with the rest of our siblings, she also told anyone who would listen that it was my fault that she doesn't have a relationship with her son. Ummm actually, no, not true. She doesn't have a relationship with her son because she does meth every day(!), not because I said something to him. But, once again I can't control her reactions, all I can is control mine. Which is what I did. I did not reply to her email, no did I try to defend myself to anyone. It's frustrating but you can't argue with crazy, or drugs addicted crazy.

Another good thing that happened was on Saturday. It was the 5 year anniversary of my mom's death and I did GREAT! I didn't cry, nor did I spend the whole day in bed. I didn't even have the urge to want to stay in bed. I WANTED to see the day and I wasn't faking it, either! That was pretty cool. It was very strange knowing what the day was and not bawling, but it felt good. I was trying to explain to Heather and Danielle how it felt and they said they got it, hopefully they did. I was and am very proud of myself. I never though that day would come. It did!

Another bad...once again with the teenager, but this time she didn't do anything wrong. She passed out at school on Friday and Dirty had to go get her. She said she started seeing spots during PE and went into the locker room and passed out, smacking her face on the floor. Once she came to, her battery had come out of her phone and she was trying to put it back in, standing up (because she hasn't learned that you shouldn't stand up) and passed out again. Once again, smacking her face on the floor. We think she might have hit her head on the lockers on the way down because she had a bump on the top of her head, as well as a swollen cheek and a bruised eye. Poor kid. She was pretty shook up and confused. She doesn't remember anything while she was out, obviously, and that scares her. We took her to the doctor on Monday and he ordered a full panel blood test. they took 2 vials of blood and are checking her for EVERYTHING! He also wanted her to have an echo cardiogram, which is on Thursday, and while I know he's being overly cautious because this isn't her first time passing out, I'm still freaking out. I was totally fine with the whole situation until I called the hospital to pre-register her. Now all I can think of is "what if"...not good!

I'm sure it's nothing and this is all to rule out the structure of her heart being "abnormal" but STILL! My little 13 year old is going to get an ultrasound of her HEART on Thursday and that sorta kinda freaks me out! I keep going back to when I was pregnant and they said there was a shadow on her heart. I keep wondering if we should have pushed harder to get it rechecked after birth or if we should have done something more the first time she passed out in 5th grade. Not a good place for my mind to go. I'm, once again, the strong one for Dirty and Nae but on the inside I am pretty scared. If y'all could spare some good JUJU to Nae, i would really appreciate it.

Talk to ya soon! I miss you all!