Mar 14, 2010

Round Two, But With a Different Ending

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Last year when I hit rock bottom, spiraling down into the depths of depression, it was because something had triggered it. Something I didn't realize until Dirty and I talked about it. I didn't want to admit he was right at first because I felt like a horrible person. My trigger was a friend's wife got jealous and he had to stop talking to me.

This guy and I aren't like BEST friends nor have we known each other since childhood, we're just friends. For some reason we just clicked when we first met. He's a funny guy, totally gets my humor, and was one of the few that was actually there when I was running from the pain of my mom's death. He's a lot like Dirty, they both know me better then I know myself. Our relationship (for lack of a better term) consisted of text messages, beer at the bar, or coffee, totally casual. Apparently his wife didn't know we were friends and when she saw a text message from "Princess" (me. A nickname I've had since Dirty and I started dating) she freaked OUT! I could be blamed for being friends with a guy who's wife didn't know, true. But it's HIS life and marriage, not mine AND not my place to pass judgment. In order to save his marriage, our friendship had to end. I totally get that and told him as much. I'd do the exact same thing.

A few days later my whole world went colorless. I couldn't figure out what the hell happened. I was walking along my merry way and then all of the sudden, I couldn't see colors anymore. I was sad, missed my mom, and was a permanent fixture on the couch. Once Dirty said this all started because Hanks and I couldn't be friends anymore, I got defensive. There was NO way I'm THIS sad because a friend of mine who isn't THAT important in my life said we can't hang anymore! "What kind of person does that make me?" I seriously questioned EVERYTHING! I questioned my marriage, my feelings for Dirty, my feelings for Hanks, my mom's death, myself, everything! I wondered if I had some serious feelings for Hanks that I didn't know about. It wasn't easy but I told all of this to Dirty. I felt if something was going on with me, he had to know. This is our future! He took it well, probably because I was so pathetic and crying and knew exactly what was going on. He let me spill my guts and then told me, that and Hanks "breaking up" was just a trigger. "You two are friends, you guys text and hang out, it's a loss, even if it's a small one. But this is triggering the feelings of your mom's death." Well hell! I didn't even think about it that way and why would I? My mind was just blank and I felt so dead inside.

After months of being depressed and going through all my crap, I came out on the other side. I fought my way out of that black hole and fought HARD! I won the battle, maybe not the war, but I OWNED that battle!

During the summer Hanks and I reconnected. Once again, I didn't question anything and just went about my life. We'd occasionally text and such but never saw each other. When my dad and sister were here and went out, they bumped into him. Hanks recognized them because my sister looks a lot like me, said hi and passed along hellos to me. It was like old times after that encounter. His texts cracked me up after my surgery, or it was the medication, but both Dirty and I were laughing at them. He answered a few questions I had about school and such. Once again, totally casual. Then we went out the other night with a few friends. It wasn't a planned get together, but we ended up talking all night and drinking beer with our friends. It was fun and I thought maybe we'd be able to be friends again, but no.

Apparently he got home later then he was suppose too and his wife checked his phone and saw my number in there and got pissed. Rightly so, I might add. I'd get pissed too if I saw some random bitch's phone number in Dirty's phone. I don't understand her dislike for me, but whatever. It's not my marriage and some people may feel threatened by their spouse having friends of the opposite sex. It was his choice not to tell her that we're friends and he needs to deal with all that. It just sucks that he and I can't be friends and that he just can't say "Beautiful Mess and I are just friends!" But once again, not my life. My marriage is different then a lot of others and what works for Dirty and I may not work for someone else. That's cool, I get it.

So this time, this "break up" scared me a little. I know last time was a trigger for all the emotions I was running from, but I'm still a little gun shy. I talked to Dirty about it and he really calmed my fears. While I don't feel the same way I did last time, I'm still a little bummed out about it. I really REALLY do not want to fall back into the hole I fell into last year, that fear is what's causing my over analyzing of the situation. When Dirty and I talked he convinced me I'm a lot healthier then I was last year and assured me that won't happen. He's right, I AM stronger then I was last year. I dealt with a lot of emotions and feelings last year that had NOTHING to do with Hanks.

Now that I know where I stand and I know that I don't have some crazy weird feelings for another man, I feel OK with Hanks and I not being friends. I'm sure I can be blamed for a lot of this, after all I was friends with a married man who's wife didn't know about me. I'm sure some wouldn't agree with my choices, but in my defense, it really is/was innocent. At least on my end. I can't speak for Hanks, but from what I can tell, it's innocent on his end too.

13 friends have commented:

Sunny on March 14, 2010 at 4:09 PM said...

I'm sorry to hear that Hanks is out of your life again, but I'm so glad that it's not a trigger for you this time. You are definitely much stronger and healthier, and with a good perspective on the situation.

Personally, I don't blame you at all for the situation. We are all adults and have to take responsibility for our selves and our relationships. Dirty obviously knew about your friendship, he was reading texts -- you went about it a completely healthy way. I think it's horrible that Hanks didn't tell his wife. I really can't say how I'd feel about my hubby having female friends because he doesn't have any, but I know I'd be absolutely FURIOUS if he didn't tell me about one. Even though there is nothing to hide, the fact that Hanks is not honest with his wife and she's jealous does not spell good things for them.

Sheliza on March 14, 2010 at 4:40 PM said...

Well I am so happy you made it out of the abyss! As far as wives checking cellphones...bad idea. It just is and I speak from experience. Some of us are just not as secure as others. It's hard when your spouse is texting (as innocent as it may be)with another woman. It just is. I'd be pissed too but then again I have learned to not look at the cellphone EVER. I hope you two can be friends again and if not, life will still go on. I hope you stay well :)

tomi on March 14, 2010 at 4:58 PM said...

I'm sorry to hear that this had to go the way it did. I'm glad you can see the light of it.

I just feel bad that because one spouse wasn't honest enough and the other seems to be so jealous easily - it makes one wonder how they are going to get through.

xoxo tomi

Mrs. Gamgee on March 14, 2010 at 5:15 PM said...

It's sad that you had to go through that not once, but twice. My first thought, honestly, was why didn't he say anything to her about it the second time around, knowing that she was of a suspicious nature? (and I don't mean that in a bad way, just that he should know how she would handle it if she found out on her own again).

I'm glad that you are able to see this situation in a healthy light, and recognize that you are in a very different place than you were a year ago.

Raelene on March 15, 2010 at 7:04 AM said...

Sending you the biggest squishiest hug.

kimbosue on March 15, 2010 at 7:19 AM said...

So sorry for all this hot mess. But my question is, if Dirty and Hanks can be friends, why can't you and Hanks' wife be friends? Why can't all 4 of you meet and greet? Get the initial over with, then maybe she won't be so jealous?

Danielle on March 15, 2010 at 9:52 AM said...

It's always upsetting when a friendship can't be because of something you have no control over.

I hate to say it, but I'm totally the "wife" in a similar situation. However, the girl that I have told my fiance "her or me" about has a HUGE crush on my fiance and always has. She has not gotten the hint that he hasn't responded to her texts in almost 3 years and continues to try to contact him! Unreal.

I think in your situation tho, it's completely harmless. I hate when people say guys and gals can't be friends. There's no reason they can't!!!

SS on March 15, 2010 at 3:00 PM said...

Hi- sounds like you are in such a better place now, but sorry you had to lose a friend. You know what I love about you? You TOTALLY respect the wife's perspective, for that, and many other things, you ROCK!

Sassy Pie on March 15, 2010 at 5:43 PM said...

You know love, I had a similar situation with a friend of mine. He's one of my best friends, and has been since middle school. We hang, we're very close, and it's not unusual to see us cuddling or something like it. It's only about the friendship, and luckily Erf knows and is secure enough not to mind.

But said friend got married years ago, (against my sage advice) and his wife went through his phone and deleted EVERY FEMALE NAME from his phone. Including relatives. Yeah, she was a psycho. He would email me, and she'd flip because he'd call me darlin' or sweetie.

Luckily they divorced, but sometimes shit happens. And this trust issue his wife has will work itself out one way or the other. Just don't shut yourself off to re-connecting. :) I'm sorry that it's happened, but I give you long-distance hugs. :)

CanadianMama on March 17, 2010 at 8:37 AM said...

That Dirty sure is a smart guy! Glad you have him :)

Gerardine Baugh on March 17, 2010 at 7:35 PM said...

Hanks needed to tell his wife right away, maybe the four of you could have gotten together for coffee.. Sounds like he has a problem in his marriage not your problem!
I would have gotten depressed too. That was one too many people to lose. I can feel your pain with this situation. Friends are hard to find, real friends even harder.

You are very luck you have Dirty to talk to.

Flying Monkeys on March 19, 2010 at 2:18 PM said...

I wonder if she would have had such an issue with it if he would have been honest about his relationship with you in the first place, and then second place. I think I would be pissed too if I were her. She doesn't know you for Eve, and he's keeping you a secret? Twice. Not a good combo. Not your fault but not a good combo.

I hope you're doing better this time.

Jamie on March 19, 2010 at 6:16 PM said...

Can I just say I love Dirty? You guys couldn't be a better match. It is so awesome that you know each other so well that he can see these changes in your life and know how they affect you when sometimes you don't even realize it.

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