Round Two, But With a Different Ending

Last year when I hit rock bottom, spiraling down into the depths of depression, it was because something had triggered it. Something I didn't realize until Dirty and I talked about it. I didn't want to admit he was right at first because I felt like a horrible person. My trigger was a friend's wife got jealous and he had to stop talking to me.

This guy and I aren't like BEST friends nor have we known each other since childhood, we're just friends. For some reason we just clicked when we first met. He's a funny guy, totally gets my humor, and was one of the few that was actually there when I was running from the pain of my mom's death. He's a lot like Dirty, they both know me better then I know myself. Our relationship (for lack of a better term) consisted of text messages, beer at the bar, or coffee, totally casual. Apparently his wife didn't know we were friends and when she saw a text message from "Princess" (me. A nickname I've had since Dirty and I started dating) she freaked OUT! I could be blamed for being friends with a guy who's wife didn't know, true. But it's HIS life and marriage, not mine AND not my place to pass judgment. In order to save his marriage, our friendship had to end. I totally get that and told him as much. I'd do the exact same thing.

A few days later my whole world went colorless. I couldn't figure out what the hell happened. I was walking along my merry way and then all of the sudden, I couldn't see colors anymore. I was sad, missed my mom, and was a permanent fixture on the couch. Once Dirty said this all started because Hanks and I couldn't be friends anymore, I got defensive. There was NO way I'm THIS sad because a friend of mine who isn't THAT important in my life said we can't hang anymore! "What kind of person does that make me?" I seriously questioned EVERYTHING! I questioned my marriage, my feelings for Dirty, my feelings for Hanks, my mom's death, myself, everything! I wondered if I had some serious feelings for Hanks that I didn't know about. It wasn't easy but I told all of this to Dirty. I felt if something was going on with me, he had to know. This is our future! He took it well, probably because I was so pathetic and crying and knew exactly what was going on. He let me spill my guts and then told me, that and Hanks "breaking up" was just a trigger. "You two are friends, you guys text and hang out, it's a loss, even if it's a small one. But this is triggering the feelings of your mom's death." Well hell! I didn't even think about it that way and why would I? My mind was just blank and I felt so dead inside.

After months of being depressed and going through all my crap, I came out on the other side. I fought my way out of that black hole and fought HARD! I won the battle, maybe not the war, but I OWNED that battle!

During the summer Hanks and I reconnected. Once again, I didn't question anything and just went about my life. We'd occasionally text and such but never saw each other. When my dad and sister were here and went out, they bumped into him. Hanks recognized them because my sister looks a lot like me, said hi and passed along hellos to me. It was like old times after that encounter. His texts cracked me up after my surgery, or it was the medication, but both Dirty and I were laughing at them. He answered a few questions I had about school and such. Once again, totally casual. Then we went out the other night with a few friends. It wasn't a planned get together, but we ended up talking all night and drinking beer with our friends. It was fun and I thought maybe we'd be able to be friends again, but no.

Apparently he got home later then he was suppose too and his wife checked his phone and saw my number in there and got pissed. Rightly so, I might add. I'd get pissed too if I saw some random bitch's phone number in Dirty's phone. I don't understand her dislike for me, but whatever. It's not my marriage and some people may feel threatened by their spouse having friends of the opposite sex. It was his choice not to tell her that we're friends and he needs to deal with all that. It just sucks that he and I can't be friends and that he just can't say "Beautiful Mess and I are just friends!" But once again, not my life. My marriage is different then a lot of others and what works for Dirty and I may not work for someone else. That's cool, I get it.

So this time, this "break up" scared me a little. I know last time was a trigger for all the emotions I was running from, but I'm still a little gun shy. I talked to Dirty about it and he really calmed my fears. While I don't feel the same way I did last time, I'm still a little bummed out about it. I really REALLY do not want to fall back into the hole I fell into last year, that fear is what's causing my over analyzing of the situation. When Dirty and I talked he convinced me I'm a lot healthier then I was last year and assured me that won't happen. He's right, I AM stronger then I was last year. I dealt with a lot of emotions and feelings last year that had NOTHING to do with Hanks.

Now that I know where I stand and I know that I don't have some crazy weird feelings for another man, I feel OK with Hanks and I not being friends. I'm sure I can be blamed for a lot of this, after all I was friends with a married man who's wife didn't know about me. I'm sure some wouldn't agree with my choices, but in my defense, it really is/was innocent. At least on my end. I can't speak for Hanks, but from what I can tell, it's innocent on his end too.