Mar 22, 2010

Yep, I Still Have Issues.

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I am determined to organize this house during spring break! I've done a pretty good job, too. There is no school for the kids, or myself and NO doctor's appointments at all this week! So I can actually start on a project and finish it! Sadly, this excites me.

I started on my kitchen yesterday and I found the perfect home for my beloved Kitchenaid and our slicer. We don't use them very often, but they still need to be out! They're cool appliances that are meant to be on the counter, dammit! Plus I've LUSTED over a Kitchenaid for years and sometimes I like to just stand in the kitchen and look at it. Now that my hand is pretty much healed, other then needing to work that damn tendon, I can do a lot more thins around the house. Anyway, the kitchen looks pretty and I think everything has its place, which is nice.

Today was the hall closet. It really isn't a closet, it's more of someone wanted a closet so they cut out a space in the wall, tossed some shelves in there, but no doors. It's interesting, to say the least. But it works for towels and such. The only problem is that things get tossed in there or someone else besides me (yeah right) does laundry and doesn't put the towels away nicely. I'm not OCD (sadly), but I do like the towels too look orderly when they're on the shelves in there. OK getting off topic..in the closet is the box I have of some of my mom's things. Things I can't throw away, such as nail files (I know weird), the program from her funeral, and the memorial fliers we made. There's also the jammies she use to wear before she was in the hospital that she gave to Nae. Nae wore them for awhile, but the have a hole on the seem on one of the legs and I can't sew. I also have a bouquet of flowers I made from all the flowers that were sent to use for her funeral. These things I've held onto since she died four years ago and I'm OK with having them. I feel it's healthy for me to have them and I don't open the box often because I just cant. I've opened it up once a year since she died except for this year. I'm not ready to open it this year, not yet. Maybe soon?

As I was cleaning off the shelves today I had to take the box down, as well as the rest of her things. They were dusty and the flowers are falling apart. I don't like those jammies getting dusty and I don't like the flowers falling apart, either. But I don't know what to do with them. I don't have a memory box, I need one but I don't have one. I did look for one today and I had to stop. Typing in the words "memory boxes" was just a bit much. I did look at a few, but didn't find what I'm looking for. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, but I know I'll find it when I see it. Just like the urn I bought, I knew it was prefect as soon as I saw it. Well, as perfect as a container for my mom's ashed could be. I'll keep looking, but I don't think I'll be able to do anymore searches. I'm healthy but I'm not THAT healthy...yet.

I'm also not healthy enough to have a conversation about death and wills. Dirty and his mom had a conversation about that Saturday. He wanted to know what their wishes were for their belongings and such. Which is good, he wants to honor his parents' wishes, but I can't deal with that, so I just walked away. Just like that, got up and walked into the other room. they continued to talk and probably thought I was being rude, but I don't care to talk about this subject just yet. I know I'll need to have the exact same conversation with my dad soon, but..no..just no. I can't even THINK about not having my dad around anymore, nor can I think about Dirty's parents not being around. His mom has really been there for me since my mom died and we've gotten a lot closer in the years. It's just not something I want too or can think about it right now. Maybe some day or when I have no choice, but right now I do have a choice and my choice is no thanks.

I don't look at this as not healing or healed, because I don't think I'll EVER be healed, but instead I look at it that I know myself. I know what will make me feel sad and I avoid those situations. It's who I am and what I do ;o)

10 friends have commented:

Mrs. Gamgee on March 22, 2010 at 7:11 PM said...

Knowing your limits is a good thing. I'm certain that there will come a day when you will be able to have that conversation with your Dad, and when you will be able to do something permanent with your Mom's belongings. Until then, perhaps your hubs could just ask your Dad if he's made a will, just to be certain. Your Mom's things will still be there next month or a year from now. When you are ready.

Mrs. Gamgee on March 22, 2010 at 7:13 PM said...

One other thought... your Mom's things. Is it possible for you (or someone else) to put them into a rubbermade container? Just to protect them?

dreamsofquiet on March 22, 2010 at 7:50 PM said...

You won't get "over" it, you'll just learn to live with it better. Hugs, hugs, hugs.

30SomethingandCrazy on March 22, 2010 at 8:04 PM said...

Oh sweetie...you're not rude. And if they know you at all (and I assume they do after so long) they know it's still a kind of sensitive issue for you. If not? Fuck em.

LOVE you!!

SassyCupcakes on March 22, 2010 at 9:03 PM said...

I have a heap of cheap of red file boxes from Ikea that I keep special stuff in. It's not a great system, but they stop things getting dusty and I like that I can't pick the box with my grandma's stuff from the box with our wedding stuff. 'Cause I'm a bit crazy. Maybe you could get something like that for now until you find what you want.

CanadianMama on March 23, 2010 at 6:42 AM said...

No I think it's healthy to hold onto that stuff. I think anyways! I've never been there so I can't say for sure but I know that my mom still has some of my grandma's stuff and she passed away over ten years ago.

I remember when my grandpa went to a home and they sold their house. It was about three years after my grandma died. My mom and her sibs were clearing out the house and were all fighting over grandma's stuff. When my mom found my grandma's nighties she smelled them and was thrilled because they still smelled like her. I'm pretty sure she slept in them for a long time too.

Glad you are getting some cleaning done - can you come to my house next!!

Marie on March 23, 2010 at 6:58 AM said...

I would also suggest a rubbermade container in your mom's favorite color for now. I think keeping your mom's stuff is fine. Later you will look at them as a treasure and hopefully not a sadness. Glad your finger is back to normal ;)

Raelene on March 23, 2010 at 10:09 AM said...

I have a "mom box" as I like to call it. I have her jammies she wore in the end too, her purse/wallet, some other items of clothing I loved her in, her memorial programs (about 150), every card she ever gave me (that I could find), and so many more things. I don't open mine often either, but I like that I know it's there in case I do want to see. She used to be a used book horder as well and since she passed I went and got them all, and I have a whole little corner in my bedroom beside my bed that has her books, a few pictures of her and her urn.
I think you just do what you feel is right for you. Anything to help you feel any better is completely acceptable. That's just what I think.

PS. I LOVE clean houses, totally makes me happy too. Giddy even :)

kimbosue on March 23, 2010 at 11:10 AM said...

HUGS as you sort through all this...

Danielle on March 23, 2010 at 12:33 PM said...

I agree that it is perfectly healthy to have those things! Just like people keep photo albums, it's the same concept! I would think about storing them in something airtight tho, like many have suggested. Only because you don't want your memories to get dirty and ruined!!!

PS. I want a KitchenAid mixer too!!! Even if it's just to look at!!!!

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