Yep, I Still Have Issues.

I am determined to organize this house during spring break! I've done a pretty good job, too. There is no school for the kids, or myself and NO doctor's appointments at all this week! So I can actually start on a project and finish it! Sadly, this excites me.

I started on my kitchen yesterday and I found the perfect home for my beloved Kitchenaid and our slicer. We don't use them very often, but they still need to be out! They're cool appliances that are meant to be on the counter, dammit! Plus I've LUSTED over a Kitchenaid for years and sometimes I like to just stand in the kitchen and look at it. Now that my hand is pretty much healed, other then needing to work that damn tendon, I can do a lot more thins around the house. Anyway, the kitchen looks pretty and I think everything has its place, which is nice.

Today was the hall closet. It really isn't a closet, it's more of someone wanted a closet so they cut out a space in the wall, tossed some shelves in there, but no doors. It's interesting, to say the least. But it works for towels and such. The only problem is that things get tossed in there or someone else besides me (yeah right) does laundry and doesn't put the towels away nicely. I'm not OCD (sadly), but I do like the towels too look orderly when they're on the shelves in there. OK getting off topic..in the closet is the box I have of some of my mom's things. Things I can't throw away, such as nail files (I know weird), the program from her funeral, and the memorial fliers we made. There's also the jammies she use to wear before she was in the hospital that she gave to Nae. Nae wore them for awhile, but the have a hole on the seem on one of the legs and I can't sew. I also have a bouquet of flowers I made from all the flowers that were sent to use for her funeral. These things I've held onto since she died four years ago and I'm OK with having them. I feel it's healthy for me to have them and I don't open the box often because I just cant. I've opened it up once a year since she died except for this year. I'm not ready to open it this year, not yet. Maybe soon?

As I was cleaning off the shelves today I had to take the box down, as well as the rest of her things. They were dusty and the flowers are falling apart. I don't like those jammies getting dusty and I don't like the flowers falling apart, either. But I don't know what to do with them. I don't have a memory box, I need one but I don't have one. I did look for one today and I had to stop. Typing in the words "memory boxes" was just a bit much. I did look at a few, but didn't find what I'm looking for. I don't know exactly what I'm looking for, but I know I'll find it when I see it. Just like the urn I bought, I knew it was prefect as soon as I saw it. Well, as perfect as a container for my mom's ashed could be. I'll keep looking, but I don't think I'll be able to do anymore searches. I'm healthy but I'm not THAT healthy...yet.

I'm also not healthy enough to have a conversation about death and wills. Dirty and his mom had a conversation about that Saturday. He wanted to know what their wishes were for their belongings and such. Which is good, he wants to honor his parents' wishes, but I can't deal with that, so I just walked away. Just like that, got up and walked into the other room. they continued to talk and probably thought I was being rude, but I don't care to talk about this subject just yet. I know I'll need to have the exact same conversation with my dad soon, but..no..just no. I can't even THINK about not having my dad around anymore, nor can I think about Dirty's parents not being around. His mom has really been there for me since my mom died and we've gotten a lot closer in the years. It's just not something I want too or can think about it right now. Maybe some day or when I have no choice, but right now I do have a choice and my choice is no thanks.

I don't look at this as not healing or healed, because I don't think I'll EVER be healed, but instead I look at it that I know myself. I know what will make me feel sad and I avoid those situations. It's who I am and what I do ;o)