Aug 23, 2009

A Day FIlled With Emotions

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
Today was a very productive day. The children got new beds and we moved everything out, cleaned under beds (GROSS!), cleaned out closets, got rid of old clothing and FINALLY put the new beds in and their room looks AMAZING! I'm so happy with it. Nae is happy that she has her own space and Zilla is just ecstatic because his bed is higher then it was before.

After that was done, apparently it was time to do the rest of the house? Not quite sure where that idea came from, but it got done. The front room was dusted, organized and rearranged. Our room was cleaned up and Peaches' corner was put in order. We were even able to use an old small dresser for her clothing. And it fits in the closet, so it's all nice and neat. Which, sadly this excited me. I even cleaned the kitchen! I haven't moped yet, but it was swept and the counters were cleaned AND all the dishes are put away. WHEW!

In the midst of all of this, Peaches found out that her daughter disobeyed her punishment and went on the Internet a few days ago. She called her ex husband to make sure he knew about it, which he didn't and to see if she had been taken off restriction, which she wasn't. She was frustrated and didn't know what to do. We kind of got into a heated discussion about it. I'm pretty sure I came across as a bitch. Even though I didn't mean too, I haven't apologized for it, nor do I feel bad about it.

Peaches doesn't know what to do about Niece. She doesn't know how to make her see the path that she is going down. My suggestion was that she goes over to her ex husband's house while he is at work and take Niece somewhere. Not stay at his house all day long, that wold be weird, but there are OTHER things to do with a 13 year old then sit on the couch at your ex husband's house. I also suggested she take her to the park that is right there. They live right in the middle of town, so there are MANY things to do that don't cost money. Or very little money. They could get an ice cream at McDonalds. They could go to Goodwill and look around. There are plenty of schools and parks right there, many things for the two of them to do. Hell there are many things Peaches and her children could do! (she has three) She didn't think any of my ideas were good ideas. She had an excuse for every one! She doesn't have a driver's license, so she would have to get a ride. She gets a ride every where she goes! How is this different?! Her ex husband just moved in wiht his girlfriend and going over to her house would be weird, too. Yes, I agree. But you don't have to stay there! Nope, no go! See? I'm getting all frustrated and bitchy again! This is exactly how our conversation went. I told her Niece needed SOMETHING! She said she'd give that to her in 3 months when she gets her apartment. "OMG it'll be too late by then!" her reply was, "3 months? You think it's going to be too late in three months?!" "PEACHES! Look what has happened in the LAST month!" Then we got interrupted and then she left. She didn't leave because we had our argument, she had already made plans to go to a BBQ *sigh*

After she left, I talked to Dirty and Roomie about it. I am so upset about this. And the worst part is that there is nothing I can do! Niece isn't my kid, I'm not her parent. So, my hands are tied, again! I love Peaches' kids like they are my own. I've known them all their lives. I've spent the last 4 years IN their lives. I was their mom, when theirs moved to a different state. I was their father when he was at work. I WAS their parent. I put a lot of my energy, emotionally and physically into raising them for over a year. And now? Now Niece is going to be a crack head stripper. And there is nothing I can do! All I can do is sit back and watch.

The worst part is that Niece has more potential then just about any other 13 year that I know. She is beautiful. She has this natural beauty that rivals anything a plastic surgeon can do. She has these amazing blue eyes that are so bright and mysterious. She has a NICE body, due to amazing genes. But mostly she is a smart kid! She can pull her grades from an F to an A+ and be on the honor roll without even thinking about it. Everything comes so easily to her, it's sickening, but I can SEE what she COULD do with her life. Instead, I'm seeing what she WON'T do with her life.

When I was talking to Dirty about it, I started crying. I kept saying "If this was Nae and we were divorced and I wasn't in her life as much as I should be, you wouldn't let this happen! I love those kids like they are ours. I can't believe nobody is doing anything!" He said "Hon, they are not our kids. She isn't our child. We can't DO anything. They will see their mistakes someday, but in the mean time, we need and can't do anything."

I know he's right, I really do, but FUCK! It is not easy! This whole situation can be fixed! It's not to late! I can see the answers, why can't they?! What they hell are they going to do when Niece is doing drugs in a year or is having unprotected sex because nobody taught her any better? For the love of God, she's just a baby!

To top this day off, Zilla spilled a glass of water on Nae's baby book and we had to do a quick recovery of all things baby related. Not only did that suck because there will be no more babies coming into our family, but there were cards and letterers in there from my mom. I had to take everything out and make sure everything was dry and so I HAD to read or at least glance at every card. I saw my mom's handwriting and had to close my eyes and take a deep breath.

Damn this sucks! This day was a productive day, but yet, so emotional. And there is NO wine in the house! AHHHHH! Guess I'll have to take a bath, instead. Which is probably a better idea, anyway....

34 friends have commented:

Erin on August 23, 2009 at 4:19 AM said...

The good news is, that day is over :) Hopefully today will be better.

It must be hard to watch things go wrong with your niece. I hope things get getter.

Fran on August 23, 2009 at 5:53 AM said...

Hello Beautiful, I wanted to thank you once again for stopping by my blog. We don't seem to ever have an easy run at things. Sending you much love, Fran

ICLW

Gabby on August 23, 2009 at 6:44 AM said...

wow - what a day! i agree, one of the hardest things is giving people suggestion, after suggestion, good suggestions, and having them be ignored.. wanting so hard to help, and not being able to..

agree with erin.. at least the day is over!

here's wishing you a better day on sunday!

We have Angel Wings on August 23, 2009 at 7:36 AM said...

Oh sweetie - it is always one thing or another isn't it?

I'm so sorry that you're going through all of this. I agree with Erin in the fact that the day is over and today is a new day.

I hope that the sails on your sailboat get straightened out so your sailboat can sail smoothly.

Love you D.


T

Bec on August 23, 2009 at 8:54 AM said...

I feel the same way about my nieces and nephews, and I havent been as heavily involved as what you have. So very frustrating...

Sounds like a very emotional day - you definitely need to get some wine into the house!

Busted Tube on August 23, 2009 at 9:27 AM said...

Sounds like a really full day!
I'm sorry you're going through this with your niece- the teenage years are tough ones!

Kristin on August 23, 2009 at 9:30 AM said...

What a maddening, frustrating, emotional day. {{{{Huge hugs}}} and I think it's wonderful that you care so much (even if it does make it tough for you).

JamieD on August 23, 2009 at 9:32 AM said...

Yes! Go straight to the bathtub - do not pass go, do not collect $200.

That is so frustrating about Niece. Especially when you are so close to their family yet, really have no say in any decision making. Which, you should (in my opinion) because you have her best interests at heart and are really ~trying~ to make something good happen for her.

Side story - A couple of years ago, I drug Hubby to a transvestite cabaret in Las Vegas for dinner. We've been to Vegas a lot and always do the same things over and over. I wanted to do something different and if it made Hubby a little uncomfortable - even better!
Anyway, our waiter/waitress called himself/herself "Dirty Diana" but told us we could call him/her Dirty. By the end of the night, Dirty had gotten pretty sweet on Hubby and probably would have taken him home if he/she could have!
Everytime you talk about your Hubby as "Dirty" it makes me smile!!

Sunny on August 23, 2009 at 3:15 PM said...

What an amazingly difficult situation you are in with Niece. :( This is her FUTURE at stake, and to watch her parents fail to step up to the plate... it's really heartbreaking. But hubby is right, your hands are tied as far as how much you can step in. Speaking up when you can, and praying that her mom will listen. I'm certainly hoping she will!

MoonNStarMommy on August 24, 2009 at 5:39 AM said...

I'm sorry you had such an emotional day. Those days are just draining. I have a 13 yr old, so I can understand the frustration. It's hard. Especially when it's a family member or friend and your hands are tied.

I have a friend, who I have been friends with for 10 years now. She is in an abusive relationship. Her oldest son is now 19, and he was (obviously) 9 when we met. She had a 3 yr old daughter, and eventually had another son during our friendship. From the day we met (or as soon as I felt comfortable enough) I told her she had to get our of her crazy marriage or it would have the worst affect on her kids. She, of course, didn't listen. 10 years later her oldest son is in an abusive relationship and had a son (rumor is another one on the way) ... his girlfriend treats him like crap. He in turn treats his mom like crap because that's what he sees his Dad do, but he also goes to her for advice. Her daughter is going to end up with a man just like her Dad and go through the same cycle, she talks down to her mom and calls her names that her Dad does (she's 13 now) ... and her youngest son (now 8) calls her all the names in the book like his Dad does and tells her that he doesn't have to listen to her, etc. She's talked about just leaving and walking away from everyone. I can't help but get on her sometimes and point out the fact that every thing I told her would happen, has so far. I can only hope these kids somehow wake up and stop the cycle somehow, but I don't think it'll happen. In addition to all that, she has 2 other kids she doesn't have custody of, and doesn't know who the biological fathers are of a few of them because he cheated on her so she felt it was payback to cheat on him.

It's hard to sit back and watch other people make the wrong choices for them, for their kids.

Happy ICLW to you and thanks for stopping by my blog :)

Deb on August 24, 2009 at 9:48 AM said...

Getting things organized and clean makes me feel good too. Unfortunately, life doesn't always clean up as easily as a house.
Just remind Niece that you love her and that you are there for her if she needs you. That's about all you can do.

Eve on August 24, 2009 at 12:04 PM said...

I'm sorry things are stressing you out today. Hang in there!!! You have such a big heart, and you are so caring for others.

Thanks SO much for all the supportive comments you've left me these past few weeks. I've been a terrible mutual blogger, but I want you to know that I'm lurking and thinking of you often!!!!!

Caitlin on August 24, 2009 at 12:22 PM said...

((((HUGS))))

Damn, I'm sorry for the frustrating day. I would feel the same way if I had a niece doing those kinds of things. I'm close with my cousin's kids and felt the need to step in when I caught the oldest stealing.

I think it's the motherly instinct we have and you can NOT be faulted for it. You are doing the right thing by caring, and it makes me wonder WTH is going on with Peaches and her ex? Are they both blind to the fact that there needs to be swift intervention? The longer you wait, the more she will think it's okay.

I hope the bath helped ya hun...

Lisa RM on August 24, 2009 at 12:26 PM said...

No, if you love a child, you have a right and a responsibility to help them. I wish I could say how, but I'm not in your shoes. If niece needs help- give it to her. It takes a village, and you're part of her village. I'm sorry you're having to go through all this!

Parenthood For Me on August 24, 2009 at 1:59 PM said...

You care so much and yet you are stuck. Sorry about the heavily charged emotions. Hope today is better.

Clio on August 24, 2009 at 6:25 PM said...

you know what, there are people that don't want solutions to their problems, that's what I found. Some people are just too attached ot the problem and are not willing ot let go. It's very frustrating to try and help them when that's the case, Hopefully some of what you said will in time seep into Peaches brains and she'll make better choices about things to do with niece. Hopefully.
good cleaning though! wow! i always feel great after cleaning, especially when I tackle stuff that has been untouched for a while.
bwt, i did not lock you out of my blog! :O it must have been a glitch of sorts.

Wishing 4 One on August 24, 2009 at 7:59 PM said...

you are just too damn awesome. you always care so much for everyone around you. hoping niece gets all the things she needs from her mom soon. xoxoxoxox oh and yeah for deep cleaning man.

kate on August 25, 2009 at 7:09 AM said...

Sounds like it was a rough day. It's one of those that makes me want to reach into the computer and give Peaches a good hard shake!

But I have to admit, though. I got a little exited for your cleaning, a little vicarious thrill about how great it feels to get everything organized!

Chayce's Momma on August 25, 2009 at 9:15 AM said...

What a tough situation to be in. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. HOpefully people will wisen up. It's hard to trust in other people to handle the things we wish we could handle ourselves!!

T Lee on August 25, 2009 at 9:44 AM said...

Aw, well, at least tomorrow has to be better.

And maybe this is one of those times where you should stick your nose in... maybe just call your niece, or take her out if you can... just so she can see someone cares...?

Poltzie on August 25, 2009 at 3:40 PM said...

Aww big hugs - it doesn't sound like an easy day (or situation) at all!

ps. Who si Roomie? Sorry, that is the end of my questions :)

Belinda on August 25, 2009 at 5:41 PM said...

Dear Beautiful,
Your neice has one great blessing in her life--you. You probably have no idea how important you are--a sane, solid, common sense person who cares deeply. She knows you're there, I'm sure. You can drop her a note to tell her you love her.

Seeing so clearly what others should do and don't is very hard, but you can do so much just by being there and being you.

Thank you so much for taking time to visit and leave a sweet comment!:)
ICLW

Indigo on August 26, 2009 at 8:14 AM said...

You need a good cry, and a hug. (hugs!) You obviously are trying your best, and I thought your suggestions were great, it's a shame that Peaches had an excuse for everything.

About the messy rooms and cleaning, omg, I just put in new floors last week in all but 2 rooms of my house. I am so freaking sick of cleaning. One of those rooms was my 8 yr old daughter's. Why does an 8 yr old save so much crap??

ICLW!

becomingwhole on August 26, 2009 at 1:52 PM said...

I am so sorry. It is so hard to let go and let other people fuck up (or fuck up their kids). I think DirtyHusband (hee) is right on this one.

Deathstar on August 26, 2009 at 3:54 PM said...

Perhaps you could talk to your niece and let her know that no matter what happens, she can always come to you. No matter what. And then be there if she needs you.

Eileen on August 26, 2009 at 10:31 PM said...

You sound like an amazing friend to have. I'm so sorry that you have to stand by and watch the girl destroy her life like that.

*ICLW*

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL on August 27, 2009 at 5:41 PM said...

Geesh....I would be SO frustrated with the Peaches/Niece situation. I admire you for NOT being bitchy. I don't know that I could avoid it. How can her kid(s) not be her #1 priority? Sighs...I just don't get it.

Here's to bubble baths and relaxation!

Mrs. Gamgee on August 27, 2009 at 9:46 PM said...

I hope that tomorrow is better (and that you are able to go out and pick up some wine!).

ICLW

Jen on August 28, 2009 at 11:12 AM said...

Wow, what a day. Sorry that there was no wine at the end. I hope that your niece gets the help that she needs. You are an amazing aunt...I pray that all turns out well in the end.

Thank you so much for the comments on my blog!

ICLW

Michelle@Gotchababy on August 29, 2009 at 3:58 AM said...

Kudos on the productiviness, sorry the rest of the day sucked. It's sooo hard watching things you have no control over--I hope Niece's parents get a clue, and soon!

belated ICLW!

Jaymee on August 30, 2009 at 10:28 PM said...

so sorry that you are in this situation. is there anyway that you can go get niece for lunch or something and just talk to her? maybe this would help. just having an adult that she can talk to may be very helpful. sorry to be giving unsolicited advise.

HUGS!!

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