It's been a long time since I've had those thoughts creep up on me where I am sad about my mom being dead. I knew that the many changes coming up were bound to bring them up, but yet, I was/am unprepared for them.
I'm finding myself being hopeful then something getting mucked up and then feeling HOPELESS! Change happens and every time something doesn't go "as planned", there is really no need for me to act like Chicken little. That's just really silly. Even though I know this, it isn't preventing me from acting like Chicken Little. The sky is falling and I need to save EVERYONE! But I can't because I'm hopeless. It's a vicious circle that I run around in.
I know my mom is proud of me for making the strides to go back to school. Even though I seem to have met every firckin road block there is, I'm still forging ahead. It all boils down to the "What If" game I so love/hate to play.
What If mom hadn't died, would Little Sister have moved to Bend?
What If mom hadn't died, would dad being having as much trouble getting to his doctor's appointments?
What If mom hadn't died, would I still loathe to leave the house without the family in tow?
The last one is what I'm still struggling with. I know that it is OK to leave the house for a few hours and do whatever I need to do sans family, but I can't seem to talk myself out of it. I'm going to the beach with Roomie and a friend of ours and my first thought was "Nae has 2 friends coming over, I can't leave the house!" Husband saw the look on my face and HEARD the wheels turning in my brain and said "go, we'll be fine. The girls will entertain themselves and Zilla is playing over at the neighbors. Go, have a good time."
He's basically pushing me out the door because if left to my own (lack of) decision making skills, I'll stay home. This happens every time I try to do something on my own where I need to leave town. Shit, this happens when I go to the grocery store without the family. WTF?!
I hate leaving them, but I hate more that I can't. It's not that I feel the house will crumble if I leave, what if something happens and I'm not here?! That's the part that scares me so much. That's the part I'm terrified of. Something would happen just as easily if I'm here, too. But for some reason I feel more control if I'm here.
If I'm feeling like this now, how will I feel when I'm going back to school for hours a day? I can't screw up this chance to go to school just because "something MIGHT happen". That is not an option!
It's time to put on my big girl panties, face this fear and MOVE the hell on, already!
Step 1: Take a shower and stop stalling by blogging.
Step 2: Calm the hell down!
Step3" Go and have fun! For the love of Goddess, relax!
I sure hope that these feelings of sadness and hopelessness are just a part of the grief and not me going crazy. I do miss my mom and think about her all the time. Usually it's with a fond memory and a smile on my face. Lately it's with deep breaths and holding back the tears. UHG this sucks!