Aug 19, 2009

Hello Grief...

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
It's been a long time since I've had those thoughts creep up on me where I am sad about my mom being dead. I knew that the many changes coming up were bound to bring them up, but yet, I was/am unprepared for them.

I'm finding myself being hopeful then something getting mucked up and then feeling HOPELESS! Change happens and every time something doesn't go "as planned", there is really no need for me to act like Chicken little. That's just really silly. Even though I know this, it isn't preventing me from acting like Chicken Little. The sky is falling and I need to save EVERYONE! But I can't because I'm hopeless. It's a vicious circle that I run around in.

I know my mom is proud of me for making the strides to go back to school. Even though I seem to have met every firckin road block there is, I'm still forging ahead. It all boils down to the "What If" game I so love/hate to play.

What If mom hadn't died, would Little Sister have moved to Bend?

What If mom hadn't died, would dad being having as much trouble getting to his doctor's appointments?

What If mom hadn't died, would I still loathe to leave the house without the family in tow?

The last one is what I'm still struggling with. I know that it is OK to leave the house for a few hours and do whatever I need to do sans family, but I can't seem to talk myself out of it. I'm going to the beach with Roomie and a friend of ours and my first thought was "Nae has 2 friends coming over, I can't leave the house!" Husband saw the look on my face and HEARD the wheels turning in my brain and said "go, we'll be fine. The girls will entertain themselves and Zilla is playing over at the neighbors. Go, have a good time."

He's basically pushing me out the door because if left to my own (lack of) decision making skills, I'll stay home. This happens every time I try to do something on my own where I need to leave town. Shit, this happens when I go to the grocery store without the family. WTF?!

I hate leaving them, but I hate more that I can't. It's not that I feel the house will crumble if I leave, what if something happens and I'm not here?! That's the part that scares me so much. That's the part I'm terrified of. Something would happen just as easily if I'm here, too. But for some reason I feel more control if I'm here.

If I'm feeling like this now, how will I feel when I'm going back to school for hours a day? I can't screw up this chance to go to school just because "something MIGHT happen". That is not an option!

It's time to put on my big girl panties, face this fear and MOVE the hell on, already!

Step 1: Take a shower and stop stalling by blogging.

Step 2: Calm the hell down!

Step3" Go and have fun! For the love of Goddess, relax!

I sure hope that these feelings of sadness and hopelessness are just a part of the grief and not me going crazy. I do miss my mom and think about her all the time. Usually it's with a fond memory and a smile on my face. Lately it's with deep breaths and holding back the tears. UHG this sucks!

21 friends have commented:

seussgirl on August 19, 2009 at 4:32 PM said...

I'm sorry you're struggling. Would it help to always take the time for hugs and kisses and goodbyes, even if you're just going to the store? Not to play up to the fear, but to just know that they know you love them, no matter what.
Thinking of you!

Mugsy on August 19, 2009 at 5:54 PM said...

I got your big girl panties right here! Ease up on yourself a little, would you? You're making a big change. Period. And from everything I know, your hubby is wonderful and fully equipped to take care of the family while you step away for a few - or several hours. It'll be okay.

Sunny on August 19, 2009 at 7:41 PM said...

I'm so sorry you are missing your mom. :( I don't know how that feels, but I see how my mom grieves my grandma, and it's heartbreaking.

It's great that hubby is helping you get over the hump and leave the house for yourself. That's exactly the right thing to do, even though it's hard.

Kristin on August 19, 2009 at 7:43 PM said...

You are not going crazy sweetie. It's all part of the process. You can do it my friend. I have faith in you.

Kristina on August 19, 2009 at 8:13 PM said...

OH the what ifs. Someday, I'm going to what if myself to death. One of the (many!) shitty things about death is that every time there is a change in your life, good or bad, you want that person there. And when they're not, their absence feels raw and new again. Thinking of you.

Busted Tube on August 19, 2009 at 8:49 PM said...

Lots of good wishes to you as you struggle with this... It is so hard. I know I worry that if I don't worry enough about something it'll happen- is that the feeling you have about going places without your family? In my case it's all about fear and control. We don't really have control and we're strong enough to conquer the fear, but it sure doesn't make it easy! Big hug to you!

Jenn on August 20, 2009 at 5:38 AM said...

My sweet friend...I am sending over my LARGEST set of big girl panties for you!!! (just the kind of friend I am - wink wink)

Change is so scary...and for you to keep forging ahead in the midst of it is so awesome!

I am really proud of you!

Your grief journey is just that....YOURS. Know your mom is with you along the way though...of that I am sure!!

HUGS

SS on August 20, 2009 at 6:42 AM said...

Hope you're feeling better soon! I'm sorry you have to go through these periods and hope that you're feeling more secure very soon- maybe once the school thing is up and running!

WiseGuy on August 20, 2009 at 7:18 AM said...

Add chocolate to the list.

Nothing fills the void of a dead parent.

I know you are strong. And you have to think of how much your mother would love to see you grow and blossom even further. She won't be happy to see you sad.

You have to trust your kids, and your husband is so cooperative. You will do it. I am sure.

Good Luck.

And Chocolate, girl!

Suzy on August 20, 2009 at 7:21 AM said...

I'm so sorry you're missing your Mom. i miss my Dad like crazy. And sometimes enough that I feel like I'm crazy.

Hope you get through it and enjoy some time away.

Chayce's Momma on August 20, 2009 at 10:03 AM said...

I have the EXACT feelings you do, but for no reason at all. I am terrified anytime I have to leave my baby home, with his dad or anyone else. I am OK with taking him to the sitter, because I KNOW where he is and what he's doing all day, but leaving him for an evening while his father and I go out, I constantly have a sickness in my tummy. I'm terrified of something happening.

You're nowhere near crazy!!!

sunflowerchilde on August 20, 2009 at 10:58 AM said...

I'm sorry you're going through this. I can tell you're a strong woman, and I have faith things will get better.

becomingwhole on August 20, 2009 at 1:15 PM said...

Hugs.
I think you're doing great.
I'm really proud of you.

JamieD on August 20, 2009 at 4:48 PM said...

I think you already have your big girl panties on. Knowing there is a problem and being able to pinpoint it is always the biggest step.

School ~will~ be tough, but I think you have hurdled past the hardest part by starting the enrollment process. Maybe the delay until spring is destiny's way of helping you take baby steps.

You are so very strong and you will do it!

Phoebe on August 21, 2009 at 11:38 AM said...

I wish it were easier. Grief has a funny way of coming and going in waves. I've noticed too that when everything is going great, BAAM, grief is back. I hope you have gotten out of the house by now, LOL!!

Kathy on August 21, 2009 at 9:12 PM said...

Grief is such a difficult, draining, emotional and healing process. The "what ifs" are so hard too... We wouldn't be human if we didn't question and wonder about what might have been. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

Thank you for your kind and thoughtful words on my blog. Hang in there. (((HUGS)))

ICLW

P.S. I know I have been to your blog before, but it has been awhile. So I wanted to comment on how beuatiful your design is. Before I read a word just seeing the bright colors and beautiful design brought a smile to face. Thank you! :)

The Unproductive One on August 21, 2009 at 9:24 PM said...

Its interesting that you bring up that you're struggling with your grief again because the past week I've just STARTED to struggle with mine for the first time and I'm telling you it feels like I've been hit by a mack truck!

I think you're very brave venturing back into study but then it doesn't surprise me that you are because you're suck a rockin chick that you kick ass at anything that you do, you'll do fine and you know you will. A bit of self doubt is to be expected!

Love to you my friend

Rach
xxxx

ICLW

Flying Monkeys on August 24, 2009 at 5:20 PM said...

I think it's a huge step that you go even when you're 'nervous'. I don't know if that goes completely awar or not, I do it too but I'm getting better. For me it's the fear of not getting a last "insert 9000000000 things here' and then pepper those with what if I could be the one who could stop "it" (whatever that is) but only if I don't leave? It's a hard internal dialog to break, I wish you great luck. I think school can will go a long way in that for you. It's really only a short time to be away and we are not responsible for everything. It's good to have time by yourself, for yourself.
I'm sorry about the grief sneaking it again, it's a b!tch that way. ((hugs))

Celia on August 24, 2009 at 6:44 PM said...

You know lambchop, I am afraid every time my husband gets in his car that he will die. A two minute trip or a two hour trip- I think the same thing. Be careful you could die. I think that after experiencing terrible loss we are just very aware of all that we could still lose. And that makes us cling harder. It isn't good or bad, it is just us. Our life shapes us. People who have not been touched by loss ( can you believe there are people like that?) just see the world differently. I think it will get easier for you in time, knowing you feel this way is half the battle.

many kisses to you.

A Mom in Jacksonville, FL on August 27, 2009 at 5:34 PM said...

I agree with Celia...I think IFers deal with a different mindset.

I also like Seuss' idea---maybe playing up the "goodbyes" a little would make them easier for you??

Hugs!

caitsmom on August 29, 2009 at 6:34 AM said...

I loved your steps! I could really hear your voice. Reminds me of a bit of the first Matrix, you know when Trinity runs from the bad guys and falls down some stairs and she knows if she stays on the ground it will be bad very bad, and forces out these words, "Get UP." And then she does, and so will you! Peace.

BTW I'm in full stalling by blogging mode this AM. : )

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