Happy New Year, I'm a Theif

*I totally stole this From Aunt Becky. In all fairness, I did tell her I was going to do it*

1. What did you do in 2008 that you’d never done before?

Ummmm, hmmm, lets see......I lost my son. I found him, but I didn't know where he was for almost 10 minutes. THE worst moment in my ENTIRE life!

2. Did you keep your New Year’s resolutions, and will you make more for next year?

My resolution was to be more active.
I totally did that! I've gone on a jog or a walk ALMOST every day. The only time I didn't was when I was sick in July and when we were snowed in for 2 weeks.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Yes, my SIL and BIL had their daughter.

4. Did anyone close to you die?

Nope. I'm not sure I could have gone through that again. I know I'll have to, I just don't know how I'm going to do it.

5. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008?

Peace, I know that's corny, but I truly want some freakin' peace!

6. What countries did you visit?

Unless you count my head, none.

7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why:

May 2

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?

We moved and got rid of our gas guzzling truck! We made a good decision!

9. What was your biggest failure?

I didn't prepare my son for school like I should have.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?

Yes, I was really sick in July.

11. What was the best thing you bought?

My sexy jeans! w00t w00t!!!

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?

My kids'. They TOTALLY rocked their smarts this year!

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?

Besides my own, I would have to say one of my friend's. He didn't make the wisest of decisions.

14. Where did most of your money go?

GAS..UHG

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?

MOVING!!!!

16. What song will always remind you of 2008?

Jason Mraz, Beautiful Mess

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:

i. happier or sadder? Happier, but not by THAT much. I'm not sitting on the couch eating nothing but cookies and nearly getting a divorce. it's a start, yeah?

ii. thinner or fatter? Thinner!!! Oh yeah! Eat something other then cookies and it happens, weird huh?

iii. richer or poorer? Richer. Not because we're making more money, but because it's not ALL going into a gas tank.

18. What do you wish you’d done more of?

Laughing and smiling. Being who I once was.

19. What do you wish you’d done less of?

Crying. Oh how I loath and detest crying!

20. How will you be spending Christmas?

Ummmm, it's a little to soon to think about that. Hopefully I'll be spending it with my family intact.

21. There was no #21. I don’t know why there was no 21.

I’ll make up my own question here, then. Hmmm….

What would cheer you up today?

A hot tub and a massage from a sexy man who doesn't speak a word of English.

22. Did you fall in love in 2008?

Yes, I fell in love with blogging and my reader *sigh*

23. How many one-night stands?

I'm sitting here cracking up! I SO wish I had a juicy story of going to some foreign land and having a one night stand, telling my husband all about it and him giving me a high-five. And then marking that off a a bucket list I don't have. Sadly, I don't. It really is sad, though.

24. What was your favorite TV program?

The L Word, hands DOWN! Love, love, LOVE that show!

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn’t hate this time last year?

Can't say that I do.

26. What was the best book you read?

Eclipse. Totally 100% loved that book!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?

The Mamma Mia soundtrack. I love ABBA and I love ALL the remakes!

28. What did you want and get?

A new car

30. What was your favorite film of this year?

Mamma Mia

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you (optional)?

I turned 33 this year and I partied with ALL my friends and my lil sis and dad! Had a GREAT times, despite me singing into the mic and having no voice. Vodka makes you deaf as well as brave. Woohoo for dirty martinis!!!

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?

Getting the hell over myself!

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008?

Comfortable but wearing heels every chance I got. Especially when picking up the children from school.

34. What kept you sane?

Wine and all the lovely people I have found through blogging. I *big puffy* heart you all!

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?

Jason Mraz, I am obsessed with that man. I wish my one night stand could include him!

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

All of the gay rights issues. Pisses me off to NO end that everyone can't be equal.

37. Whom did you miss?

My mom, of course.

38. Who was the best new person you met?

Everyone whom I've commented on a blog and has commented on mine. It's awesome!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008:

Besides, the cliche "I only turned my back for a second" is true. Life is hard, if it were easy, it's be called a slut and not a bitch. Can't take credit for that one, but I say it so often I totally should!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:

It's okay to dance around it and have it your way
Laugh about it, oh for goodness sake
Don't believe in anything that's keeping you awake

Thank you Aunt Becky for allowing me to steal this from you!

Here's to a GREAT 2009!!

KISSES!!!!!

Our "Fun" Day at the Mall

I got a $50 gift card for Victoria's Secret from a wonderful friend for my birthday and since we were snowed in and such, we just were able to go to the mall yesterday. I was very excited to go, obviously. I got to go shopping and it wasn't going to cost us ANYTHING! How can ya go wrong with THAT?! We decided to go and take the children *big mistake* thinking it would be good to get them out of the house. They actually did really well.

We walk into VS and it is PACKED and hot. The 3 of them stood around for a bit but then decided to go to a different store to get out there and allow me time to shop. I picked out my things and was looking for some perfume but couldn't smell anything since everyone in there was spraying everything into the air. I take all my stuff to the counter and give them my gift card, walk out of the store and was immediately on the offensive. I felt that the kids were going to be cranky from having to be patient and Husband was going to be stressed out from having to deal with the crabby children and annoying people in the mall. Instead of waiting to see if the 3 of them were in a bad mood, I put myself in a bad mood to counteract their bad moods. I didn't know I was doing this at the time, it was after we got home and I was crying into my pillow and trying to talk to Husband about it that I realized I did this.

We leave the mall with a "pouty" me *Husbands word NOT mine* and a pissy Husband. He asked me what was wrong and of course in true form, I tell him "nothing". Finally when I couldn't stand it anymore, I try to tell him how the 3 of them totally took my day away from me. All I wanted to do was buy some panties without being "rushed". I seriously felt, at the time, that they were totally being unfair to me. I felt I was robbed of the day I had envisioned in my head.

We get home and I go directly to our room and start to bawl. Husband comes in and tells me I basically kicked him in the balls by saying they took my day away from me. He explained to me how they don't enjoy going to the mall, but we all went so I could spend my gift card. I got so frustrated with him, I totally felt like I wasn't getting to say my piece. What was really frustrating me was that what he was saying was making sense and I was a little bit in the wrong..SHIT! In my head everything I was feeling was right. I was wronged, and I deserved an apology from them. They shouldn't have rushed me. When I eventually got this out, Husband calmly asks me "did either of us go into the store and ask when you were going to be done? Did any of us stand beside you sighing telling you to hurry up?" SHIT! I really wanted to answer him, but the only answered I had was the truth and that was "no" and if I were to say with that, I would be 100% in the wrong. And my nuclear meltdown and my ruined day was nobodies fault but my own. Eventually through tears and the realization that I screwed up, I gave him the answer we both knew was the truth. Then instead of feeling better, I felt worse and started to cry MORE.

I cried because our fun day did not turn out like it was suppose to. I cried because Christmas didn't turn out the way it was suppose to. I cried because I am so over sensitive these days and I'm sick of it. I cried because I had no idea why I was crying. When I blubbered all of this out, he looks at me and says "Babe, it's that time of the year. Of course all of this is going to make you cry and overwhelm you". My response was to get pissed and say "Well that's just stupid! I'm SO sick of this shit. I really am! It shouldn't be like this! I shouldn't be sad for weeks and be in a fog!" He then says to me "Don't you think I think about Papa every day?" "Well yeah, but I don't see you crying every other day and having meltdowns and ruining everything. That's not very fair". He tells me it's because he's a heartless bastard. That got to me to laugh, but I want to be a heartless bastard too! "Why can't I be like that?" His answer is so simple and so heart warming: "Because that's not you and that's not who I fell in love with". *Sigh*

So apparently I'm destined to be overly sensitive for the next few weeks, drive everyone crazy and cry until my eyes feel like they've been replaced with baseballs. That really doesn't sound like my idea of fun. I hate crying and I hate feeling so damn sensitive. I hate feeling so raw. I hate that the tiniest little joke, hurts my feelings and makes me want to cry. I hate all of it, I truly do. Where do I go from here? Hell if I know! I guess I'll just make sure everyone knows how I'm feeling and I hope they have the sensibility to treat me kindly.

I'm usually the strong one. I'm not her right now. I can't fix any one's problems right now. I can't give any of my friends that shoulder to cry on that they may need. I can't offer any gems of advice that I can sometimes pull out of my ass and give to them. I'm sorry friends, but right now I'm in need of YOU. I'm in need of that shoulder. I need to give you some of this weight that is on my shoulders. I need you to help me carry it. Basically, I'm asking for help. This is the second time in my life I've ever asked for help, but it's time for me to do it. It's time for me to stop protecting everyone in my life from the reality that are my emotions.

Is life going to be like this every time the "anniversary" of my mom's death comes around? I sure hope not!

Conversations

The night started off innocently enough. My roommate *Fluffy* got off work, wanted to have a few beers and bought me a bottle of my favorite wine so I'd be more willing to drink with her and have a fun time. We invited a friend *Eric* of ours over, with him he bought MORE wine. In total, we had a 12 pack of Coors Light for my roommate and a few bottles of wine for Eric and myself.

We opened a bottle of red, sat it on the table and all started talking. Before we knew it, we had finished THAT bottle of wine PLUS half of another..oops. My plan was to have a few glasses of wine and go to bed around midnight. I failed miserably at this, by the way.

The three of us were sitting at the kitchen table talking about all kinds of stuff. We eventually got on the topic of marriage and children. My roommate is gay. She isn't quite sure if she is, hasn't really admitted it to anybody but 3 people, but she is. Our other friend that was with us, he's just turned 30 and doesn't have a steady girlfriend. We're trying to tell my roommate that she needs to be happy with herself before she can find her "one". Eric, is completely OK with who he is and where he is in life. He looks at his life as complete and adding a woman to it would be amazing, but it isn't what he needs to make himself happy. I value him for this PLUS so much more. I love this man so much. He is so smart, witty, fun and always has great advice. We're trying to tell my roommate that whatever her fantasy life is, she needs to be happy with what she has right now. Yes, by all means continue to look for that special someone who will make you happy, but also live in the present. Stop living in the future you don't have. Of course, we said it a lot nicer than I just typed it. My roommate is a very sensitive person and gets her feelings hurt very easily, so we chose our words very carefully. She was talking to us and we didn't want her to feel like we didn't care, because we do! A lot!

As she was drinking her beer she starts talking about her sister who is going to have a baby. They've been preparing for this baby since Sister found out she was pregnant. They had the crib up, the bedding all put IN the crib, the stroller, ALL of it was complete. I was horrified. Noway, no how! I mentioned how we didn't get Zilla a crib until he was 6 months old and that was a Christmas gift! We got a cradle from my parents for Nae when I was pregnant with her, but other then that, we didn't really get anything for Zilla until we had to. So to have the baby's room all set up was astonishing to me. Oh to be that innocent again.

She asked me if I got pregnant again, would I do things differently. I said "hell no! I wouldn't even tell anyone I was pregnant until I was 6 months if I could help it." Her response was "even me?" Her feelings were hurt. Not only is she my roommate but she is my best friend, as well. I tried to explain all the things we went through with Nae and then the miscarriages and then the years it took us to get pregnant with Zilla. I've mentioned all of this to her before, but I don't think she thought I wasn't serious? I'm not sure what she thought when I've told her how having children and being pregnant doesn't agree with me. I don't get that "pregnancy glow". I barley make it to term, and there's usually some kind of trauma involving weeks of hospital stay, crying into the couch for hours and bed rest.

She knows I go crazy when I'm pregnant and I get all emotional and I'm very overprotective of my children, but I don't think she can grasp what happens when I get pregnant and stay pregnant. She's never seen me pregnant. We met a few years after Husband and I had Zilla and I had my tubes tied. She asked me the question I hate being asked. She asked "If things were different, would you have more children?" That's a loaded question and one I don't know how to answer. I can't imagine a pregnancy without all the tears. I can't imagine a pregnancy without a death plan as well as a birth plan. I can't imagine a pregnancy where I wasn't hospitalized for preterm labor. I can't imagine a pregnancy where all goes as planned. So, my answer was "I have no idea. I can't answer that as I have no idea what is would be like to have things be different. The 4 times I've been pregnant, they turned out less then normal".

After that heavy conversation that I don't like to talk about sober, much less drunk, we got on different subjects. More light hearted topics. We talked about politics, how amazing our friends are and how much we miss Minnow. We talked about the basketball game, normal stuff. By then end of the night/morning, it was almost time to get the children off to school. OH SHIT! It was 6am and I hadn't gotten to bed yet and I was pretty drunk..OOPS Eric, stopped drinking awhile ago and went home. Fluffy had already gone to bed. I laid on the couch until my alarm went off. Woke up Husband and went to bed. He got the kids off to school just fine and I woke up at noon with a massive hangover.

That was my first time pulling an all-nighter and I can tell you right now, it will be my last. It was not worth it! I'm sure I'll eat my words someday, but as of right now...no thank you. It was a good time, I had a nice time talking and laughing with my friends in my house, but I doubt I will be doing that again. And that was 2 months ago!

I told both of them "if it was possible for me to get pregnant and have that "surprise baby" you all wouldn't know until I had no choice but to tell you". Eric understood my need for privacy, but Fluffy

SUCCESS

YAY my dinner turned out awesome! It looked good AND tasted good. I put the ham in the oven around 1pm, covered it all nice and tight and left it alone for about 2 hours. When I took it out it was warm, but it wouldn't have been good if I had kept it out. So I brushed on the glaze and put it back in the oven unwrapped for about 10 more minutes. I got the potatoes ready to put in the oven, as well as the yams. Everything was ready to go in there. I took out the ham and wrapped it up nice and tightly and out it back in the oven while the potatoes cooked so it wouldn't get cold. Once I started to smell the juices that leaked into the pan burn, I took it out, but kept it covered in the foil. Once the potatoes were done, I put the yams in there to heat up. Oh the house smelled SO yummy! The ham smelled delicious, as did the yams! Everything got done at just the right time and as I was taking everything out of the oven and getting ready to set the table I remembered the Christmas place setting I had gotten from my aunt 2 years ago, but haven't used yet. I ran into the garage and grabbed the box, took out the plates and cups and washed them all and set the table with my pretty Christmas plates! I was SO excited!

Everyone ate their food and I got compliments all around. I was awfully proud of myself for making dinner without help and doing a damn good job of it!

Christmas this year was pretty tough and I'm glad it all got done and everything turned out fine. Since we had that snow storm and couldn't get out of our driveway, I had to do all the shopping on my own with my friend who has a truck while Husband stayed home with the children. I was going non-stop for about a week. Christmas Eve was the worst. We didn't get to bed until 3am. I was EXHAUSTED come Christmas evening. I was having fantasies of our bed. Ahhhhh I do love my bed.

Thank you for all the support and encouragement. Because of all the faith you all had in me, I had faith in myself and dinner was a success..YAY!!!

Sharing the Christmas Spirit

Sassy at Cupcakes and Conundrums wanted to know what type of things her readers do for Christmas. What kind of traditions we have and such.

We usually do Christmas with the extended family anytime between the weekend before Christmas and Christmas eve. We go to my in-laws house and have a buffet style dinner there and open gifts and such. It's really low key over there, but it's a lot of fun and SO relaxing! Since my best friend taught me how to make pie crusts from scratch, I usually bring the pies. I do the traditional cherry pie and pumpkin pie and then I throw something in there that nobody will expect. One year I made a chocolate mousse cheesecake and it was SO yummy! That one didn't make it home. Last year I made lemon meringue pie. It turned out really good and everyone loved it!

Christmas Eve we would go to my parent's house. It was pure insanity. It wasn't "Jerry Springer" insanity, but not far from it. My older sister would be there with her boyfriend-of-the-week and her son, my little sister would be there with her boyfriend and their 2 kids and then there would be Husband, myself and our 2 kids. My mom would completely spoil the grandchildren. If they wanted to eat a cookie before dinner, they could. She always spoiled the grandchildren but during Christmas it was bad. Once dinner was devoured, the presents were next. At first we would try to be civilized about it, but then it just got to be too much. We would let the kids play "Santa" and it was all downhill from there. Although it did take less time.

Since a lot has changed the past 3 years, our traditions have changed as well. Christmas day is still for the immediate families. At least ours is. We don't travel on Christmas day or the day after. Those 2 days are down time for my family and our children. We still do a family dinner with my in-laws, though. I doubt that will ever change and I'm OK with that.

This year will be my first year making dinner. Every other year, it was usually done for me. At my home, but I was never responsible for it. I'm sure it will turn out fine, if not..we got hot dogs ;o) I think it's time to start making traditions for my little family, so that's what this year will be all about. It's a new beginning for me and my family. I'm nervous and excited.

Snowed In

When your backyard looks like THAT ^^^^CRAZY CRAZY SNOW!!^^^^
You go into the front yard and make snow chicks! I have ALWAYS wanted to have enough snow to be able to make a snow chick, complete with bikinis and towels. We even gave them breasts by putting snowballs in the tops..HA!

It's been a rough 8 days, but we're doing our best to make the best of it. It's a bit difficult for me being "stuck" in the house with all these thoughts running around in my head, but I'm doing pretty good. I'm getting un-medicated, dreamless sleep and fairing pretty well. I just wish I could strap on my beloved New Balances, grab my ipod and go for a run. Since I can't, I am doing my best to keep my spirits high. It hasn't been that tough, actually. Since The fog lifted, I've been doing fairly well. I hope it stays this way. Last year wasn't very fun. Being depressed and making myself be present for Christmas isn't my idea of fun. I'm doing my best to prepare for the fact that there will be no mom this year and my dad won't be here this year with us. I think I'm doing the best I can.

I wish everyone a great Christmas and Holiday and I hope everyone is safe and sound tucked away in your homes.
HUGS to all!

In and out of the Fog

Sometimes I feel dark and murky like the water in that picture, other times I feel green and springy like the clover.

I did have one dreamless night. Ahhh it was nice to wake up feeling a bit rested. I don't know if it was because the day before was a really rough one and I was just to exhausted to dream, or I just got a break.

We got a huge snow storm Saturday. Friday night we went to the grocery store to get some food so we could eat, of course. We also got all the fixings for Christmas dinner. As I walked over to the freezer to grab a ham, I realized I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I haven't cooked a holiday meal without supervision before. I've never even picked out a ham before! I'm standing there trying to keep the tears from spilling over looking at the hams, not knowing which one to pick. I turn around and laugh and tell Husband "I have no idea what ham to pick, I don't know what I'm doing". I'm not sure if he heard the panic in my voice or was just wanting to get out of there as fast as we could, but he said "just pick whatever one". I go back to the freezer, walking very slowly, like the hams were going to jump out and attack me. Thankfully there were 2 ladies buying hams, too and helped me choose a ham. They told me which one to buy and which on NOT to buy. The one in my hand was the one NOT to buy. It may be less expensive, but it's full of fat, apparently. As a 33 year old woman, should I know this already? I shouldn't feel so lost buying a freaking ham!

We got through the rest of the shopping trip without anything else happening. I did my best to keep the tears at bay until I got home. I was concentrating on getting the groceries bought and getting the hell out of that damn store with those God forsaken hams.

We got home safely and put the groceries away and I collapsed into Husbands arms. Actually his chest. I laid my head on his chest and cried. We went into the bedroom and I told him what happened at the store. Why I was so freaked out over the ham. "This is the first meal I am going to cook with out my mom here or your mom here to help me out. What the hell am I going to do?!" He was great about it. he just let me cry, let me get frustrated and reminded me that this is going to happen and it's OK.

I was in a fog for the rest of the evening. I took a snooze on the couch for about an hour and felt a bit better after. When the kids went to bed, I just sat on the couch and stared at the T.V. I didn't see anything, just sat like a zombie. When we finally went to bed, I collapsed. Husband held me and I just slept. I slept a dream free night.

When I woke up Saturday, I still felt foggy and on auto pilot. I went about my business all day, but don't really remember much of it. Finally around 8 or 9 the fog lifted. I was listening to my ipod and had a certain song on repeat. I listened to it over and over and over again. I listened to every word of the song. I listened to it until I could make sense of it. It happened, the song clicked with me and it was the last 2 lines that did it.

The song is Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz. Tha last 2 lines that made me come out of my fog is..
"And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it."

I don't think I'm at the point that the wait is over, but sometimes, I feel like it is. That's a start. I'm not as strong as I was before my mom passed away, but I'm getting stronger then I was last year. I don't know who I will be when I get through the worst part of the pain of losing her, but hopefully I'll be close to who I was before that day in January.

Only time will tell....

Sugar Plums NOT Dancing in my Head

I'm trying really hard not to let it bother me, but it's getting more and more difficult as the days go by.

It all started Sunday night. Nightmares. I have had a bad dream before, but they never affect me. I'd wake up from a bad dream and realize it's just a bad dream and go back to sleep. But the dreams I've been having are horrible. They are emotional nightmares and I wake up absolutely exhausted. Monday I was a total zombie. I tried to distract myself from my thoughts and play outside and enjoy the snow. that helped while I was doing it, but once all was calm, my brain kicked into overtime and I started thinking about the dream again. Tuesday, the same thing. I took a shot of NyQuil before bed Tuesday night in the hopes it would knock me out and I wouldn't have any dreams. It worked THAT night. But not the next night.

I would much rather be hacked to pieces or running from some "bad guy" in my dream, then dream that my best friend and I were fighting and going into her room and finding a box of all the important things in my life. These dreams are just screwing me up. The box contained everything that was important to me, paper wise. The papers from my mom's funeral, birth certificates, cards for birthdays, love notes to and from my husband, pictures of my family and I, pictures of my best friend and I, things that mean a lot to me, all thrown into a box.

I assume these emotional nightmares have to do with Christmas and not having my mom around and not having my dad with us this year. We normally have him here for Christmas. It will feel very different not having him here this year. It's the first year, since my mom died that he won't be spending Christmas with us.

The frustrating part of it, I feel like I should be done with all this crap. I shouldn't be crying in my friend's car in the Walmart parking lot. I know that's what friends are for, to hold you and help you along during the bumpy times in your life, but come on! It's been almost 3 years! Then I think, physically, yes it's been almost 3 years since she passed, but to me; it's not even been a year. I didn't even begin to grieve for my mom until January of this year. To me, it's still so fresh. To me, I am still very raw with grief. In my mind and my process of grief, this is the first Christmas without my mom. So, it is OK to still be raw with grief. It is OK to be missing her. This will happen for awhile. I know all this, but sometimes I feel like I'm holding onto something I can't hold onto forever. I'm holding onto this cloud of sadness because it's comfortable here. Not all the time, most of the time, I can and am just fine. Then there's the times when I am so overcome with sadness and heartache, I just don't know what to do. The thought of taking a shower is too much work.

Husband is being great with all of this. He wants me to let him in when I'm having a problem. He got a bit upset when I told him about finding the ornament and going into the bathroom. He wants to be a part of this. He thinks it's good for the children to be involved. He thinks that talking about it and crying openly *shudders* will help, not only me, but also the children remember their Oma. I've been telling him about my dreams, I can't really hide the exhaustion from lack of sleep from him. He's being so supportive and is doing his best. He is worried about me, but I don't really know how to make it go away. I guess that's a good thing. If I did make it go away, it would only come back stronger, later.

I guess I'll just walk around like a zombie and try my best to be as present as I can. Oh and obviously, no more NyQuil, since that didn't work. Stupid NyQuil!

I'm reading every one's blogs and commenting, but if I get quiet, ya'll know why.

THE DECEMBER ARCTIC BLAST OF 2008!!!

The first picture on Sunday before "The Big Cold Front" hit us...
This was taken the next morning, Monday. It snowed all night long. We had a beautiful blanket of snow. We played in it a bit last night when it was still snowing, but there wasn't this much on the ground!
I let the children convince me to take them out and we walked down to the creek to see it is was frozen over yet. It wasn't AND there were ducks there! It was so beautiful! Can't see the ducks in this picture though. They were at the other end of the pond and my fingers were getting cold from trying to get a picture of them.




Don't you just love how the news channels put a title to everything?! Maybe it's just ours. Maybe it's because Oregon doesn't ever get much excitement. Yeah The Blazers are doing great, but all anyone wants to talk about are the years they were "The Jailblazers". We hardly ever get snow or really bad weather, except for rain. Well as of a few days ago we HAVE SNOW!!!! A lot, even. Schools have been closed. They were closed Monday and for Tuesday. That means that there will be children all over this state begging their parents to go outside. Their parents take them out, only to come back in in less time then it took to get said children dressed. It's cold out there. Not only cold enough to snow, but also we have an "arctic wind" blowing in the north. We're talking temps in the teens tonight. BBBRRRRR

We'll be in the house with the blinds open looking at the snow and drinking our hot chocolate. Mine with a shot of Kahlua ;o)

I'm honored!

I Heart Your Blog from Kymberli

To claim this most prestigious of prizes you have to answer a meme of sorts, this one with one word answers. You also have to pass it along to SEVEN other bloggers. And so:

1. Where is your cell phone? Desk
2. Where is your significant other? Here
3. Your hair color? Brown
4. Your mother? Heaven
5. Your father? Bend
6. Your favorite thing? Life
7. Your dream last night? Sex
8. Your dream/goal? Success
9. The room you're in? Living room
10. Your hobby? Blogging
11. Your fear? Unknown
12. Where do you want to be in six years? Here
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. What you're not? Bored
15. One of your wish list items? Boots
16. Where you grew up? Oregon
17. The last thing you did? Typed
18. What are you wearing? Jammies
19. Your T.V.? HUGE
20. Your pet? Slow
21. Your computer? Amazing
22. Your mood? Content
23. Missing someone? Mom
24. Your car? Life saver
25. Something you're not wearing? Socks
26. Favorite store? Coach
27. Your Summer? Great!
28. Love someone? A lot!
29. Your favorite color? Pink
30. When is the last time you laughed? Earlier
31. Last time you cried? Monday?

Passing it on to:

1. Cassandra at Baby Smiling in Backseat. Her posts are full of emotion and I look up to her because she's an amazing woman.

2. Marie at Where is that Specal Water. Her posts always make me laugh, cry, and soemtimes scratch my head. She's witty and so honest!

3. Pam at Just Me. She's an amazing supporter of EVERYONE! She always has an encouraging words and lots of support.

4. Moxie at Moxie Moma. Her pots are funny, thought provoking and deep. She has an opinion and isn't afraid to let you k now it, but at the same time she will hear yours, as well.

5. The Beautiful Mama at Musings, Musings, Musings. She ALWAYS has a post that makes me think. She is truly a beautiful mama.

6 Beth at The Idle Mind of Beth. She's going through some major crap right now, but holding her own. She's a strong woman who has a beautiful soul.

7. Jen at Jenn's Journal. Jen has 2 beautiful boys who keep her on her toes, but she ALWAYS has time to give a kind word to her fellow bloggers AND make delicious cookies. Go check em out! YUM YUM!!!

WOW, that was hard! I went through all the blogs I read and I tried to give out the award to the ones who I felt deserved it and haven't received one before. I hope I did well.

Thanks again Kymberli! I appreciate it!

Needing Some Good Juju

One of my very good friends is going in for surgery on Monday. He's a bit apprenhensive about the whole thing, which of course, I can't blame him for. He needs some positive thoughts and/or prayers. Please, if you would send those his way that would be great! His name is Kevin.
Thank you in advance!

Surprise *smack*

*Sorry for the lack of quality, but it's uhhh colorful?*


Christmas threw up all over my house. And Husband was the leader of the Christmas puke fest.

We got our tree last weekend. He bought a big beautiful tree! We have high ceilings and we finally able to get that huge tree I've wanted for years. I was so excited when we got it into the house. We got out our decorations and lights and it looked so pretty. It had all white lights and a few ornaments. Not too many, just the right amount. I'd sit on the couch and feel like an adult because my terr was finally a "grown-up" looking tree. Then the lights blew fuses and started to get hot. Instead of trying to burn the house down, we decided to take the lights off and get new ones. We found a really good deal on lights yesterday and bought them. We bought colored lights. As much as I wanted to have my elegant Christmas tree, it would be more fun for Husband and the children to have their Christmas tree. I really wasn't all that upset about it. I just wanted lights on our tree.

We get a few more ornaments and Husband throws some tinsel and garland in the cart. Not the nice looking garland you would use to decorate the house with, but the ugly shit from the 70's. I really wanted to be a Grinch and put my foot down and say "NO!!!!", but his eyes were so lit up with excitement, I just couldn't. So I kept my snide remarks to myself when he out not only the silver garland in the cart, but also the red garland! Really? Red garland, REALLY?! So apparently our Christmas tree is going to look like a white trash tree, but whatever. He's happy and the children will be ecstatic when they come home from school and see the tree. God, I'm such a doormat...

So we get home from buying all the white trash garland and put lights, garland and tinsel on the tree. I suggest that maybe we should put some of the garland around the house because silver AND red garland might look a bit too trashy and overdone. You would have thought I just told him he had the smallest penis in creation, the way his face fell. Of course, I felt like an asshole and said "well maybe it won't look that bad. Lets try it". So we tried it and it didn't look as trashy as I had envisioned. It sure as hell wasn't the elegant tree I had a few days ago, but whatever.

Then the children got home and were SO excited that the tree was all decked out, that all my spoiled brattiness were dissolved away. Dammit. They were happy and Husband was happy, so I let it go. I enjoyed the tree through their eyes and it wasn't bad. It was nice.

THEN, husband went into the garage to look for something and found our box of Christmas ornaments and decorations that we thought were broken and/or got lost in the move. I opened the box and there's stuff from years and years ago. Stuff he brought into our marriage, things I did and things we've acquired since. Nae was pulling ornaments and decorations out left and right. Putting things up all over the house.

I see a few things that my mom gave us, but I was ok with it. We put up the choir boys and trays that my mom gave us. Then...IT happened. I reached into the box and pulled out an ornament that reminded me of my mom. It doesn't necessarily have any sentimental value to it. Such as, she gave it to us for a special occasion. It was just one I remember putting on our tree when I was a kid.

I held the ornament and looked at it and started to cry. I really didn't want to put a damper on our family event, so I went into the bathroom and had a little pity party for my mom by myself. Once I got over it, I put the ornament on the tree. I found a nice place for it, toward the back. I didn't want to stare at it and start crying. this move may come back to bite me in the ass, because I could come upon it unexpectedly and be caught off guard. Guess we'll see. It does look nice though. It's glass ornament with a poinsettia on it, so the lights shine through it.

The rest of the night, I was kind of in a funk. I didn't tell anyone what happened. I just kept this little moment to myself. Husband asked if I was grumpy because I was quiet for the rest of the evening, but I didn't reveal my secret to him. I just told him I wasn't in a bad mood. Which isn't exactly a lie. It's just not exactly the whole truth. I'm feeling better today and I must admit that our tree does look good. It looks better when it's dark. During the day it looks a bit over done, but we did have a good time decorating it. That's all that counts.

Did I do the Right Thing?

The week of Thanksgiving when the children had only one day of school, we had conferences and got report cards. Both the children did a GREAT job! We are very proud of them.

When I was talking to Zilla's teacher, I had to keep reminding myself not to look at the numbers on his report card. I have to look at the progress he has made. If I just looked at the report card itself, I would be disappointed. He has caught up with the majority of his classmates, he just isn't at the same level as Nae was when she was in Kindergarten. Those two are completely different and I have to keep reminding myself of that. With Nae, there was never a time when she had "to catch up". Even when she switched schools in the middle of the year. She's always been a good student. It's not that Zilla isn't a good student, he is. He just started off a little behind.

When talking to his teacher, she told me he knows 40 out of his 54 letters. That's HUGE! When we did assessments, he only knew 2. He knows 38 out of his 54 sounds. Before he knew none of them. That's a BIG jump since September! He's working really hard and it's showing. He needs a little help on his writing, but not any more then any of the other children. She gave me some tips on working with him and I am putting those into play. We might be able to say that he is "average" rather then "behind" by the time winter breaks rolls around.

I mentioned to his teacher that I feel like a new mom. Like I just got home from the hospital and they gave me this baby and I have no idea wtf to do with him. I realize I made mistakes during his 5 years at home. I also realize there is nothing I can do about the past. Of course, that doesn't make me feel any less like a horrible mom when I see how much work it has been for him to catch up with his classmates. I also realize that if I did try to teach him letters and such during the time my mom was sick and passed away, I wouldn't be as good of a mom as I am now. I know that I had to grieve over the loss and playing with my son was what helped me grieve and get to the place of acceptance I am in now. I didn't realize at the time how much he helped me, now I do. Those days that we went on "worm hunts" or walked down to get an ice cream cone, or had a "jammie day" are what helped me get through those long days that I find hard to remember. What I do remember about that time, is those days. Those days stand out like a bright light against a dark background. He saved me from going insane.

Even though I wish he didn't have to play catch up, he is and he is doing amazingly well. His report card saying that he had made the biggest leap out of all the kids, is astounding. He is picking things up fast and is remembering them and putting them into his everyday life. I am proud. What to go Zilla!

Nae's report card was amazing, as well. She made the honor roll! Her G.P.A was 3.86! She was close to getting a 4.0, wow! She is proud of herself and we are very proud of her as well. She thought middle school was going to be very difficult, but clearly, it isn't that difficult.

We get progress reports from her teachers every other week, so we know exactly where she is and if she needs any extra help. She got one last week and we discovered that she is getting a B in science. That's up from the C she was getting the week before because she didn't do well on a test. We weren't upset about the C or the B, we knew she hadn't done well on that test, she told us. We weren't exactly happy with the C, but we knew she could pull it up.

Monday when she came home with her progress report for science her and I had a talk. I told her "getting a B is great and there is no way we would be disappointed with a B, but do you think you can do better? Do you want to do better?" I don't want to "push" her to get straight A's, but at the same time I know she is capable of getting straight A's. She said "I do want to get straight A's and I can do better, but science is hard". I hope I'm not pushing her to get straight A's. I hope this is something she wants and not because she thinks her father and I will be disappointed if she doesn't achieve honor roll status.

I hope I conveyed my feelings on this subject to her correctly. I hope she realizes how easy it was to get great grades and realizes that if she keeps it up, it'll stay easy. I don't want to her think that if she doesn't get straight A's that she will be "in trouble" because that's not the case. We just know that she is able to get them and she should not give up because "it's hard". Even if her next report card is as good as the last one, we'll be ecstatic!

As far as their school work shows, I haven't screwed them up all that much. If you look at their report cards, I'm not doing too bad of a job, actually. They are both happy, healthy children. Of course, I can't take ALL the credit, but I'll take the majority of it. Just not those 2 years that I almost screwed everything up.

*sigh* Grief sucks! It is an all encompassing emotion that takes up so much. I hope I can learn from it and if I have to go through that again, it doesn't take me 2 years...

The Best Birthday Week EVER!!!

THE BIRTHDAY GIRLS!!! *myself and my sis*

I was so good about my birthday this year. Normally I tell everyone every day how many days there are left until my birthday. This year, I only did it a few times. My family and friends were very proud of me. Next year, they won't get off so easily though. I thought I would try out being "mature" for my birthday. It really isn't as much fun as being annoying.

Thursday I went out to dinner with my friends. They made me cupcakes and got me Twilight. I had read it already, but didn't own the book. I had bought the 2nd one when I finished the first and then Husband and the kids got me the 3rd and 4th in the series. Now I have the complete series and can read it again!!! Right now, Nae is starting on them. Dinner was awesome. Great food, great friends, good beer. I couldn't have planned a better night if I tried. I would have been over the moon with excitement if that was the end of the festivities, but my friends and family know me too well, so it wasn't.

Friday, the children gave me the cards they made for me. They were too cute! Zilla even wrote words! Nae and daddy helped, of course, but it was all his hand writing. He's doing such an amazing job! This is the first card he's been able to write on his own. That made it SO much more special. We bought a delicious cake. My sister and dad arrived and once we got them all settled we sang happy birthday to her and I and ate the chocolaty goodness that it was! We did watch the Blazer game, but sadly, they lost to the Celtics. At least it wasn't a blow out and they only lost by 15 points. It was a good game, though.

Saturday, we got our tree and put up Christmas lights. That was VERY interesting. I lost my voice on Friday so trying to yell at Husband and Nae on the roof was interesting to say the least. Plus everyone calling trying to get directions for the party, yeah it didn't go as smoothly as I would have liked. Oh well, everyone had a lot of fun making fun of my lack of voice.

Minnow and her boyfriend came into town and the girls all took over my roommate's bathroom to get ready. Poor fluffy Love. Fluffy Love isn't even a little bit of a "girly girl", so to have her bathroom counter full of make-up, hair dryers, straighteners, hair ties and all things girly was a sight to see. Once us girls were all ready and made up, we went to the bar with our party in tow!

We had so much fun! So many people showed up for our birthday. Drinks were consumed, pictures were taken, songs were sang, and presents were opened. My friends totally spoiled me! They rock! Sadly, I decided to torture everyone with my lack of voice on the mic and sang a song. I NEVER sing! I seriously sound like a dying cat when I do. It is best that I don't. But I figured since I sounds like ass anyway, I might as well. It's not like my regular voice sounds any worse, so why the hell not?! As far as I know, nobody got video of me singing, so hopefully everyone is safe from having to hear that again.

Today is my little sister's birthday. I'm so glad her and my dad were able to come and celebrate with us. We had a great time. Everyone made it a very special 33rd birthday for myself and made it a very special 32nd birthday for my sister, as well! We are loved!

For Antigone

Antigone,
You are an amazing woman. I've known you for only a short time, but I can see the stresses you carry on your shoulders and I can see you walk around anyway. You are a brave, compassionate, beautiful *inside AND out*, and loving woman. I am proud and honored to say that I read your blog.

You are a great mother and when your sweet beautiful son is born, you will be able to show the rest of the world what us bloggers know already. I wish you peace and I hope you have a wonderful day. I'll have a cupcake or 2 on your behalf today.

Go over and give Antigone and Perseus little hug, it's her baby shower day!!!!

Also, Yummy Sushi Pants and Awful But Functioning put this together for Antigone. Way to go ladies, you rock!

Not Feelin It

My birthday is on Friday and I usually LOVE my birthday! I start planning for the party in January and start a countdown in September. I am totally a kid when it comes to my birthday. I drive EVERYONE crazy with my countdown.

For me, my birthday isn't about presents, it's about bringing all my friends and family together. In the past we have had a tradition of going to Hooters for dinner and then to a bar for a few drinks and dancing. I wear my crown and have 2 changes of clothes. I'm SUCH a brat when it comes to my birthday. It's a lot of fun.

Last year, my sister and I had our birthdays together. Our birthdays are 4 days apart. Our parents wasted NO time in having the second child, we are a year and 4 days apart. GOOO mom and dad!!!! We did the usually dinner thing at Hooters and met all of our friends at the bar. The bar is a meeting place in the middle. Her friends are all in Portland and all mine are in the town I live in. It's right in the middle, not too much driving for anyone.

This year...totally different and it's driving me crazy! My sister and my dad have this "big birthday bash" party planned but instead of it being in the middle, they want to have it in Bend. Bend is at least 3 hours from me. To get to their house, we have to drive over the mountain in snow and ice. Then find a place to stay that has room for all who intend on going. There are a few problems with this. First of which, I don't have a vehicle that I trust driving in the snow and ice. We don't have our truck anymore, we have a Saturn. No 4 wheel drive. None of my friends are going to want to drive in the ice and snow to go hang out with a bunch of people they don't know. But the biggest "problem" with all of this is that I can't leave my family to spend the weekend with my dad and sister.

It's an irrational fear, I know this, but it's still a fear. Ever since my mom died, I can't bear to leave my family. It's not that I don't trust Husband to "watch" the children. Of course, I do. I can't leave and go out of town, anymore. Every time I do, even if it's the next town over, I have a panic attack. I can't but help think about the "what if's". What if something happens? It's going to take me that much longer to get home. What if Husband gets hurt and the children are scared and can't get a hold of me? What if one of the children gets hurt and I'm not there? I know that me being home or at least in town isn't going to stop anything from happening, I still can't do it.

The other day, Husband suggested I stay home and take a few hours to myself while they go to his parents and do the chores. I was appalled! I said "no way, am I going to stay home while you guys go to your parents!". He thought I was just being nice and was wanting to help out, but truthfully, they would have been 45 minutes away from me and I got all sweaty and panicked just thinking about it.

Husband and I talked about this last week and I told him my fears and he gave me some good advice, but I'm just not ready to take it. He said I needed to talk to him about it, if a situation arises and I want to go out of town. "You shouldn't let this hold you back". Yeah that sounds like a great idea, but I won't do it. I just can't bear the thought of something happening to one of them while I'm gone. Obviously, I can't bear the thought of something happening when I'm around, but it's easier not to think about it when we're all together. He also mentioned that before my mom died, my parents were my "security blanket" and now that she isn't here anymore, I'm using Husband and the children as a "security blanket". It makes sense, I'm very close to my sister and my dad, but a lot closer to Husband and the children.

I'm not sure what to do about this whole "fear" I have. Normally when I have a fear, I force myself to get over it. But this is a little bit different then fearing a certain animal** or guns. I know I'll have to talk to my dad about this and tell him that I can't go to Bend, but I don't know how to word it. I don't know how to make the words come out of my mouth so that he'll understand. BLAH!!!!!

So my birthday is the day after tomorrow and I'm excited about it, but I'm also not. I almost wish my cold would hang on a bit longer so that I don't have to deal with any of the BS. Yes, that's the chicken shit way out, but I'm passive aggressive *shrugs shoulders* it's who I am and what I do. I'll get over that one of these days, I'm sure..

**I use to be deathly afraid of giraffes for years! I just got over that fear a year and a half ago. I'm weird, what can I say? ;o)