Dec 30, 2008
I got a $50 gift card for Victoria's Secret from a wonderful friend for my birthday and since we were snowed in and such, we just were able to go to the mall yesterday. I was very excited to go, obviously. I got to go shopping and it wasn't going to cost us ANYTHING! How can ya go wrong with THAT?! We decided to go and take the children *big mistake* thinking it would be good to get them out of the house. They actually did really well.
We walk into VS and it is PACKED and hot. The 3 of them stood around for a bit but then decided to go to a different store to get out there and allow me time to shop. I picked out my things and was looking for some perfume but couldn't smell anything since everyone in there was spraying everything into the air. I take all my stuff to the counter and give them my gift card, walk out of the store and was immediately on the offensive. I felt that the kids were going to be cranky from having to be patient and Husband was going to be stressed out from having to deal with the crabby children and annoying people in the mall. Instead of waiting to see if the 3 of them were in a bad mood, I put myself in a bad mood to counteract their bad moods. I didn't know I was doing this at the time, it was after we got home and I was crying into my pillow and trying to talk to Husband about it that I realized I did this.
We leave the mall with a "pouty" me *Husbands word NOT mine* and a pissy Husband. He asked me what was wrong and of course in true form, I tell him "nothing". Finally when I couldn't stand it anymore, I try to tell him how the 3 of them totally took my day away from me. All I wanted to do was buy some panties without being "rushed". I seriously felt, at the time, that they were totally being unfair to me. I felt I was robbed of the day I had envisioned in my head.
We get home and I go directly to our room and start to bawl. Husband comes in and tells me I basically kicked him in the balls by saying they took my day away from me. He explained to me how they don't enjoy going to the mall, but we all went so I could spend my gift card. I got so frustrated with him, I totally felt like I wasn't getting to say my piece. What was really frustrating me was that what he was saying was making sense and I was a little bit in the wrong..SHIT! In my head everything I was feeling was right. I was wronged, and I deserved an apology from them. They shouldn't have rushed me. When I eventually got this out, Husband calmly asks me "did either of us go into the store and ask when you were going to be done? Did any of us stand beside you sighing telling you to hurry up?" SHIT! I really wanted to answer him, but the only answered I had was the truth and that was "no" and if I were to say with that, I would be 100% in the wrong. And my nuclear meltdown and my ruined day was nobodies fault but my own. Eventually through tears and the realization that I screwed up, I gave him the answer we both knew was the truth. Then instead of feeling better, I felt worse and started to cry MORE.
I cried because our fun day did not turn out like it was suppose to. I cried because Christmas didn't turn out the way it was suppose to. I cried because I am so over sensitive these days and I'm sick of it. I cried because I had no idea why I was crying. When I blubbered all of this out, he looks at me and says "Babe, it's that time of the year. Of course all of this is going to make you cry and overwhelm you". My response was to get pissed and say "Well that's just stupid! I'm SO sick of this shit. I really am! It shouldn't be like this! I shouldn't be sad for weeks and be in a fog!" He then says to me "Don't you think I think about Papa every day?" "Well yeah, but I don't see you crying every other day and having meltdowns and ruining everything. That's not very fair". He tells me it's because he's a heartless bastard. That got to me to laugh, but I want to be a heartless bastard too! "Why can't I be like that?" His answer is so simple and so heart warming: "Because that's not you and that's not who I fell in love with". *Sigh*
So apparently I'm destined to be overly sensitive for the next few weeks, drive everyone crazy and cry until my eyes feel like they've been replaced with baseballs. That really doesn't sound like my idea of fun. I hate crying and I hate feeling so damn sensitive. I hate feeling so raw. I hate that the tiniest little joke, hurts my feelings and makes me want to cry. I hate all of it, I truly do. Where do I go from here? Hell if I know! I guess I'll just make sure everyone knows how I'm feeling and I hope they have the sensibility to treat me kindly.
I'm usually the strong one. I'm not her right now. I can't fix any one's problems right now. I can't give any of my friends that shoulder to cry on that they may need. I can't offer any gems of advice that I can sometimes pull out of my ass and give to them. I'm sorry friends, but right now I'm in need of YOU. I'm in need of that shoulder. I need to give you some of this weight that is on my shoulders. I need you to help me carry it. Basically, I'm asking for help. This is the second time in my life I've ever asked for help, but it's time for me to do it. It's time for me to stop protecting everyone in my life from the reality that are my emotions.
Is life going to be like this every time the "anniversary" of my mom's death comes around? I sure hope not!