Dec 18, 2008

Sugar Plums NOT Dancing in my Head

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I'm trying really hard not to let it bother me, but it's getting more and more difficult as the days go by.

It all started Sunday night. Nightmares. I have had a bad dream before, but they never affect me. I'd wake up from a bad dream and realize it's just a bad dream and go back to sleep. But the dreams I've been having are horrible. They are emotional nightmares and I wake up absolutely exhausted. Monday I was a total zombie. I tried to distract myself from my thoughts and play outside and enjoy the snow. that helped while I was doing it, but once all was calm, my brain kicked into overtime and I started thinking about the dream again. Tuesday, the same thing. I took a shot of NyQuil before bed Tuesday night in the hopes it would knock me out and I wouldn't have any dreams. It worked THAT night. But not the next night.

I would much rather be hacked to pieces or running from some "bad guy" in my dream, then dream that my best friend and I were fighting and going into her room and finding a box of all the important things in my life. These dreams are just screwing me up. The box contained everything that was important to me, paper wise. The papers from my mom's funeral, birth certificates, cards for birthdays, love notes to and from my husband, pictures of my family and I, pictures of my best friend and I, things that mean a lot to me, all thrown into a box.

I assume these emotional nightmares have to do with Christmas and not having my mom around and not having my dad with us this year. We normally have him here for Christmas. It will feel very different not having him here this year. It's the first year, since my mom died that he won't be spending Christmas with us.

The frustrating part of it, I feel like I should be done with all this crap. I shouldn't be crying in my friend's car in the Walmart parking lot. I know that's what friends are for, to hold you and help you along during the bumpy times in your life, but come on! It's been almost 3 years! Then I think, physically, yes it's been almost 3 years since she passed, but to me; it's not even been a year. I didn't even begin to grieve for my mom until January of this year. To me, it's still so fresh. To me, I am still very raw with grief. In my mind and my process of grief, this is the first Christmas without my mom. So, it is OK to still be raw with grief. It is OK to be missing her. This will happen for awhile. I know all this, but sometimes I feel like I'm holding onto something I can't hold onto forever. I'm holding onto this cloud of sadness because it's comfortable here. Not all the time, most of the time, I can and am just fine. Then there's the times when I am so overcome with sadness and heartache, I just don't know what to do. The thought of taking a shower is too much work.

Husband is being great with all of this. He wants me to let him in when I'm having a problem. He got a bit upset when I told him about finding the ornament and going into the bathroom. He wants to be a part of this. He thinks it's good for the children to be involved. He thinks that talking about it and crying openly *shudders* will help, not only me, but also the children remember their Oma. I've been telling him about my dreams, I can't really hide the exhaustion from lack of sleep from him. He's being so supportive and is doing his best. He is worried about me, but I don't really know how to make it go away. I guess that's a good thing. If I did make it go away, it would only come back stronger, later.

I guess I'll just walk around like a zombie and try my best to be as present as I can. Oh and obviously, no more NyQuil, since that didn't work. Stupid NyQuil!

I'm reading every one's blogs and commenting, but if I get quiet, ya'll know why.

7 friends have commented:

Marie on December 18, 2008 at 2:08 PM said...

Sometimes our own expectations for ourselves can be the worst enemy we have.

Don't be to hard on yourself and be thankful your husband understands.

The Muser (aka Beautiful Mama) on December 18, 2008 at 7:52 PM said...

Oh, honey. I'm SO sorry. How painful. It makes sense that you'd be grieving this time of year. Be gentle with yourself. I'm sending peace and prayers your way.

Topcat on December 19, 2008 at 2:13 AM said...

Oh poor sweetheart ... look at you, trying to kick yourself up the bum .."It's been three years!.."

Mate ...I've not long got "over" the deaths of my fathers, and that has been 20 years and 24 years respectively. And, you never get "over" shit like that .... especially not your mum.

It certainly sounds like you were very close. I'm so sorry for the bad dreams, and hope they stop .. STAT. Send them down here - I'm all tough and strong for once, I'll sort them out!

Much love.


Mischief Maker on December 19, 2008 at 10:42 AM said...

Love you D. :)

Just Me. on December 19, 2008 at 12:19 PM said...

Sending you lots of hugs..I hate nightmares..nightmares that I can remember for years after that!!!!


ps Thanks for the award!!! You're too sweet! :)

In Due Time on December 21, 2008 at 12:01 AM said...

(((Hugs))) I'll be thinking about you.


Michelle on December 21, 2008 at 11:52 AM said...

I am so sorry. It is so hard to lose a mom. You are in my thoughts and prayers.

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