Not Feelin It

My birthday is on Friday and I usually LOVE my birthday! I start planning for the party in January and start a countdown in September. I am totally a kid when it comes to my birthday. I drive EVERYONE crazy with my countdown.

For me, my birthday isn't about presents, it's about bringing all my friends and family together. In the past we have had a tradition of going to Hooters for dinner and then to a bar for a few drinks and dancing. I wear my crown and have 2 changes of clothes. I'm SUCH a brat when it comes to my birthday. It's a lot of fun.

Last year, my sister and I had our birthdays together. Our birthdays are 4 days apart. Our parents wasted NO time in having the second child, we are a year and 4 days apart. GOOO mom and dad!!!! We did the usually dinner thing at Hooters and met all of our friends at the bar. The bar is a meeting place in the middle. Her friends are all in Portland and all mine are in the town I live in. It's right in the middle, not too much driving for anyone.

This year...totally different and it's driving me crazy! My sister and my dad have this "big birthday bash" party planned but instead of it being in the middle, they want to have it in Bend. Bend is at least 3 hours from me. To get to their house, we have to drive over the mountain in snow and ice. Then find a place to stay that has room for all who intend on going. There are a few problems with this. First of which, I don't have a vehicle that I trust driving in the snow and ice. We don't have our truck anymore, we have a Saturn. No 4 wheel drive. None of my friends are going to want to drive in the ice and snow to go hang out with a bunch of people they don't know. But the biggest "problem" with all of this is that I can't leave my family to spend the weekend with my dad and sister.

It's an irrational fear, I know this, but it's still a fear. Ever since my mom died, I can't bear to leave my family. It's not that I don't trust Husband to "watch" the children. Of course, I do. I can't leave and go out of town, anymore. Every time I do, even if it's the next town over, I have a panic attack. I can't but help think about the "what if's". What if something happens? It's going to take me that much longer to get home. What if Husband gets hurt and the children are scared and can't get a hold of me? What if one of the children gets hurt and I'm not there? I know that me being home or at least in town isn't going to stop anything from happening, I still can't do it.

The other day, Husband suggested I stay home and take a few hours to myself while they go to his parents and do the chores. I was appalled! I said "no way, am I going to stay home while you guys go to your parents!". He thought I was just being nice and was wanting to help out, but truthfully, they would have been 45 minutes away from me and I got all sweaty and panicked just thinking about it.

Husband and I talked about this last week and I told him my fears and he gave me some good advice, but I'm just not ready to take it. He said I needed to talk to him about it, if a situation arises and I want to go out of town. "You shouldn't let this hold you back". Yeah that sounds like a great idea, but I won't do it. I just can't bear the thought of something happening to one of them while I'm gone. Obviously, I can't bear the thought of something happening when I'm around, but it's easier not to think about it when we're all together. He also mentioned that before my mom died, my parents were my "security blanket" and now that she isn't here anymore, I'm using Husband and the children as a "security blanket". It makes sense, I'm very close to my sister and my dad, but a lot closer to Husband and the children.

I'm not sure what to do about this whole "fear" I have. Normally when I have a fear, I force myself to get over it. But this is a little bit different then fearing a certain animal** or guns. I know I'll have to talk to my dad about this and tell him that I can't go to Bend, but I don't know how to word it. I don't know how to make the words come out of my mouth so that he'll understand. BLAH!!!!!

So my birthday is the day after tomorrow and I'm excited about it, but I'm also not. I almost wish my cold would hang on a bit longer so that I don't have to deal with any of the BS. Yes, that's the chicken shit way out, but I'm passive aggressive *shrugs shoulders* it's who I am and what I do. I'll get over that one of these days, I'm sure..

**I use to be deathly afraid of giraffes for years! I just got over that fear a year and a half ago. I'm weird, what can I say? ;o)