Sometimes I feel dark and murky like the water in that picture, other times I feel green and springy like the clover.
I did have one dreamless night. Ahhh it was nice to wake up feeling a bit rested. I don't know if it was because the day before was a really rough one and I was just to exhausted to dream, or I just got a break.
We got a huge snow storm Saturday. Friday night we went to the grocery store to get some food so we could eat, of course. We also got all the fixings for Christmas dinner. As I walked over to the freezer to grab a ham, I realized I had no idea what the hell I was doing. I haven't cooked a holiday meal without supervision before. I've never even picked out a ham before! I'm standing there trying to keep the tears from spilling over looking at the hams, not knowing which one to pick. I turn around and laugh and tell Husband "I have no idea what ham to pick, I don't know what I'm doing". I'm not sure if he heard the panic in my voice or was just wanting to get out of there as fast as we could, but he said "just pick whatever one". I go back to the freezer, walking very slowly, like the hams were going to jump out and attack me. Thankfully there were 2 ladies buying hams, too and helped me choose a ham. They told me which one to buy and which on NOT to buy. The one in my hand was the one NOT to buy. It may be less expensive, but it's full of fat, apparently. As a 33 year old woman, should I know this already? I shouldn't feel so lost buying a freaking ham!
We got through the rest of the shopping trip without anything else happening. I did my best to keep the tears at bay until I got home. I was concentrating on getting the groceries bought and getting the hell out of that damn store with those God forsaken hams.
We got home safely and put the groceries away and I collapsed into Husbands arms. Actually his chest. I laid my head on his chest and cried. We went into the bedroom and I told him what happened at the store. Why I was so freaked out over the ham. "This is the first meal I am going to cook with out my mom here or your mom here to help me out. What the hell am I going to do?!" He was great about it. he just let me cry, let me get frustrated and reminded me that this is going to happen and it's OK.
I was in a fog for the rest of the evening. I took a snooze on the couch for about an hour and felt a bit better after. When the kids went to bed, I just sat on the couch and stared at the T.V. I didn't see anything, just sat like a zombie. When we finally went to bed, I collapsed. Husband held me and I just slept. I slept a dream free night.
When I woke up Saturday, I still felt foggy and on auto pilot. I went about my business all day, but don't really remember much of it. Finally around 8 or 9 the fog lifted. I was listening to my ipod and had a certain song on repeat. I listened to it over and over and over again. I listened to every word of the song. I listened to it until I could make sense of it. It happened, the song clicked with me and it was the last 2 lines that did it.
The song is Beautiful Mess by Jason Mraz. Tha last 2 lines that made me come out of my fog is..
"And we tore our dresses, and stained our shirts
But it's nice today, oh the wait was so worth it."
I don't think I'm at the point that the wait is over, but sometimes, I feel like it is. That's a start. I'm not as strong as I was before my mom passed away, but I'm getting stronger then I was last year. I don't know who I will be when I get through the worst part of the pain of losing her, but hopefully I'll be close to who I was before that day in January.
Only time will tell....