Apr 27, 2010

Negativity Breeds Negativity

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
I don't hold the key to happiness nor do I know what it is. What works for some, might not work for me and vise verse. What I do know is that if someone walks around with a cloud of doom hanging over their head and blaming everyone else for their depressing life, they can't be happy. Yes, we all have life issues we deal with, but generally we do our best to slap a smile on our face and get through the tough times. There are certain circumstances that make us fall into a hole of nothing but blackness, but speaking from experience, it's noway to live life. When I was depressed last year, it took me awhile to get out of it. Once I opened up my heart and mind to my family and friends, I was able to come out of it pretty quickly. That's not to say it was easy or a walk in the park, it was hard and it royally sucked! Even while I was in the midst of my depression, never had it occurred to me I could blame someone else for my problems. Wasn't even aware that was an option!

I don't say this to brag about my awesomeness or to say "if you just do as I do, you'll be oh so happy!" I say it because I know someone who I swear loves to live her life in a constant state of pity. She'll say things like "I have no friends. People only call me when they need something. never to just hang out". She'll blame others for things or put herself into situations that she KNOWS will make her life miserable. She never says no to anyone, despite not wanting to do the favor. She really is a piece of work. I can't figure out if she has this view on life because of her age or just who she is. I try to reason her attitude with all sorts of things while I try to help her out. The problem with trying to help her out is that it drains me. Not to mention she doesn't want my help, she just wants to whine and complain. I swear it's what feeds her. She makes horrible choices but will not take responsibility for them.

I've tried many times to talk her though bad relationships and reason with her about things, but nope it doesn't work. Now I just let her do her thing and move on. Yesterday she was upset because she had no friends and nobody would answer her calls or text messages. When she told me that her cousin's wife told her "we're going to spend some time together, it's been a really long time since we've gotten to spend any amount of time together", she got pissed off! She said she is starting to dislike her cousin's wife for this reason. I tried to tell her that they're newly married and it's hard being married to someone in the military, give them some time. Didn't work. When she was complaining about not having friends, I suggested she find different friends. Friends that aren't ALL about going to the bar and getting shit faced, nope, didn't work either. She actually told me "would you just let me whine and feel sorry for me?!" ".....*blink blink* ummm k?" So I did just that, didn't make her feel any better but it wasn't my problem anymore since she made it very clear to me that she isn't wanting to fix her problems, she just wants to whine about them.

This combined with the revelation I had about leading by example lead me to the conclusion that some people just like to wallow in their gunk. I will not feel guilty for staying positive and not allowing negativity to taint my life. I've done my time in the depression hole and I like things out of the hole MUCH better. I can NOT and will not go down that road again. Selfish? Perhaps some will view it as such, but my choice all the same.

This does not mean I won't give advice or help a sister out when she needs it, because I totally will. I'm patient and I love deeply and will do everything in my power to make one feel better, but there comes a time when I hear myself saying the same things over and over again to the same person. When this happens, it means it's time for me to move on. Not cut that person out of my life, but direct my energies elsewhere.

7 friends have commented:

Sheliza on April 27, 2010 at 10:21 AM said...

Honey this is sounds very good advice and I know 125% how you feel. I am going through this with my sister. She came by my house this morning to inform me that she is getting evicted and had to raise a large sum of cash by this Friday to avoid it. Still she makes excuses. She always plays the blame game and never takes a look in the mirror. I am so fed up and I truly believe that if it was not for outsiders, my life would be drama free. Hang in there and keep being a positive person ;)

Anonymous said...

I see a LOT of this lately. Especially with some people on the internet. You try and be supportive and help them out, but they don't want to hear what you have to say they jsut want to complain about how shitty their life is. My saying "Someone's always got it worse" That's how I look at things when my life gets rough!

Sorry you're dealing with stupid people!!

Kristin on April 27, 2010 at 7:53 PM said...

Great advice. I've had people like this in my life and, it took forever, but I finally figured out I couldn't do anything for them.

Jamie on April 28, 2010 at 10:48 AM said...

This is all so true. I have been doing a lot of reading lately on relationships and keep coming back to one point. I am the one responsible for making myself happy, not my husband. Even though we are having problems in our marriage is not a reason to be unhappy in my life. I still need to find and do things that make me smile.

Now I just need to remember all that!

Anonymous said...

There are a lot of people that love to complain. I do it myself when I’m in the deep end of a black hole. My daughter will pull me out of it telling me to find something nice one thing. Then she has me laughing.

There are those people who live to whine, and complain. They feed off the energy of others –if that makes some sense- I hope it does.

Others like to internalize everything.

I love reading your Blog I learn something new about you and about myself. I need to laugh more. Have a wonderful day!

Quiet Dreams on April 29, 2010 at 11:53 AM said...

I think it's really great that you've realized what is going on with this person and have decided how best to handle it.

Flying Monkeys on May 18, 2010 at 3:10 PM said...

I think there's an Eeyore in all of us, it's just that most of us have a little Tigger in us too. I'm glad you found some boundaries that work for you.

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