Family Reunions?

This picture was taken a few years ago. We have a cousins that is a professional clown and she dressed Omi up...SO cute!

Wednesday morning around 11:30, my Omi my (grandma) passed away. She was my dad's mother and had been through SO much, it seems a shame that she's just GONE. I had heard that our family from California were in town over the weekend and they were able to spend time with her and she was having a GREAT day! They got to talk to her, got to hear her laugh, see her smile, wheel her around in her wheelchair, and spend some quality time with her. That makes me happy, VERY happy. I'm so happy that my cousins and my aunt were able to spend that time with her. I am very happy that my dad was in time and was able to spend some quality time with her, as well. It is a gift for all of them.
This was taken the Saturday before she passed away, she was having a good day.

This is a big blow to my family, obviously, but mostly because this is the
first experience my cousins and aunts have with death. When my mom died, it was my dad and lil sis that were hit the hardest. Everyone was sad because they loved my mom too, but it wasn't the same for them that it was for us. Now it's all turned around and I feel horrible for them.

We had the viewing yesterday and I'm still processing how all of my emotions and feelings about it. I was there when my mom died and when my friend in high school who killed himself, I didn't really comprehend the gravity of it. This time, it was..odd, I think. Everyone said she looked peaceful and while I agree she did, because she wasn't in pain, but also she didn't. Nor did she look like she was sleeping. Her face was really relaxed and when I touched her arm she was SO cold. A cold, I wasn't prepared for. I don't regret going to see her, I feel like it was good to say my goodbyes and tell her how much I love her. I just didn't expect her to look so...not there. I am aware I'm not making sense here because I can't find the right words, I just need to get all these words out that are swirling around in my head.

When we were going to the viewing, we were OK. There was an air of sadness in the car, but also a few laughs and jokes thrown into the mix. We didn't rehash our feelings about Omi, nor did we talk about the big elephant in the car that was her death. When we got to the funeral home, all of that changed. We met a cousin there and we all cried and didn't really know what to say. We touched her hair and they all gave her a kiss. After touching her arm, I couldn't give her a kiss. Not because I was freaked out about the coldness of her skin, but because to me it wasn't MY Omi laying on that table. It wasn't MY Omi who would pucker up her lips and smooch me over and over again until she had kissed me no less then 20 times. It wasn't MY Omi who would whisper in my ear that she loves me so much and to take care of "daddy". It wasn't the same woman who I grew up with.

After the viewing all I wanted was to go home and check out. I wanted to sit on the couch and stare at the TV or the wall and let my mind go blank. Sadly, that wasn't an option, we had a few errands to run and I didn't get home until 4 and than we had to go get Nae and get her a dress for the funeral. Which, by the way, is not easy to do at the beginning of spring. NOBODY has ANYTHING that's black. After we got home, I was SO drained I would've given anything for a glass of wine and a moment for my mind to go blank. That didn't happen until almost 9, by that time I could barley keep my eyes open. Lil sis and my dad wanted to go have a drink, but I couldn't, just could NOT do it. My emotions were all over the place and I just couldn't.

I woke up this morning and for that few seconds before I was fully awake, I was confused and thought I dreamed the past few days. Once my mind and heart were awake, I realized the past few days were real and NONE of this was a bad dream, this is our new reality. We'll make it because that's what we do, but it won't be easy.