It went.....

We went over to my in laws on Sunday to help out with some chores they needed done. Since my FIL had his surgery, my MIL has had to do more around the house and outside of the house. She bribed us with a dinner of shrimp friend rice of we came over and raked the backyard and Husband cleaned out the gutters.

It would give us time to have the conversation we wanted to have with them and also the children would be able to spend some time with Nana and their grandparents. We got there, talked a bit and got to work. We didn't really want to have any type of conversation with the children in the mix. We usually discuss our decisions with Nae. Depending, of course, what the conversation is about. When it comes to situations that would affect her, we'll discuss them with her. She won't get to have the final say, but we will give her a chance to give us her opinion. Nae is 11, but she's very mature for her age. that kid misses NOTHING! And we've learned in the past, that if we keep things from her, she finds out anyway and ends up asking us, or gets the wrong information and freaks out about it. If we keep her in the loop, then she has all the information and we can see how our decision would affect her.

Once we were done with our chores and dinner, the children were off playing, we talked to my MIL. We told her that taking care of Nana wouldn't work for us. As much as we want to do it, there is just no way for us to do it. We outlined all our reasons, from having just the one vehicle, to having Zilla in after-school care. It just can't work, there is no way it could! Maybe if we had another vehicle, it would work, but not right now. Husband is better at this then I am. They're his parents and he has no problem telling them "like it is". He told them flat out "we gave you a solution, 2 as a matter of fact, but you chose not to take them. They may have not been the perfect solutions, but we were willing to help you out and you said no. That was your choice. This is ours". My MIL took it fine, I think she knew it wouldn't work. My FIL was a bit different about it. He kept saying there was a way for us to do it. He has the attitude that if it benefits him then, there's a way for it to be done. Basically, he's an asshole. Him and I haven't seen eye to eye on a lot of things in the past 15 years. I use to hold my tongue when I disagreed with his opinions, now I tell him exactly how I feel. He isn't use to it. He's a bit old fashioned and for a woman to be talking back to him...well lets just say he isn't use to it.

For now, that subject has been put to rest. The next one that's up for some heated debates is Christmas, they want us to go over there from December 26th to January 2nd. They want to go to the cabin and they want us to care for Nana while they are gone. We don't have anything going on during the time. There's no school, nobody has work to go to and we could do it. But, it's the day after Christmas and the children won't really want to leave the house after they just got a bunch of new toys and such. Husband and I talked and we thought that maybe we could do it from the 27th on. I don't have a problem with being over there for the new year. Sometimes I go out either before midnight or after. I'm always home in time for the ball to drop. It isn't a big deal for me to not go out, but it is a big deal for me to leave our house when the children don't have school. It's their vacation, do they really want to spend it at their grandparents' house where they have any of their "stuff"? Is it fair to them to do this?

Husband and I have talked about this a lot on the past few days and we are still undecided. We kind of feel that they always ask us to do this kind of stuff because our situation is "perfect". Before I was the only one without a job. I work at home doing all the house stuff, but I don't get paid for it. I almost feel like they are taking advantage of our choice for me to stay home with the children. I'm still a bit undecided about doing this. I do want to spend time with Nana and be able to spoil her like I usually do, but I also have to think of my family. I have to think of the break from school. Nae might want to spend the night at her friend's house, but if we are an hour away and something happens, it'll take us that much longer to get to her. She can't really have any of her friends come over because there's nothing to do at my in laws' house. Plus the children have to be quiet all the time. They can't run around the house there like they do here. There really isn't anything for them to break here, there...there's something to break in ever room. I can't afford to replace something they break over there! I'm sure I'm over thinking this and our kids aren't heathens. They don't run all over our house all the time, but we do have the occasional wrestling match. And my house is never quiet. There is always something going on.

I guess we'll see if my MIL can even get the time off of work to do this. If she does, we'll have to come to some kind of compromise. I just don't think it's fair to spend a week over there, when we could be home and the children can have their stuff with them. I just don't know what the right choice is here. We'll have to talk and think it over, some more *sigh*

One more time and then I'm DONE...

One more whine/ bitch fest about my in-laws and then I will stop. I do love my in-laws *and not because I have to*, but sometimes...they get on my nerves. Lately that's what they have been doing.

Hy husband's grandmother *Nana* is old. She's had a stroke and isn't very mobile. She isn't very difficult to take care of, for me, but I can see how she would be difficult to care for. When we stay with her, she's very agreeable and does what I ask of her and such. I've never had a problem with her at all. That might be because I'm not pushy when it comes to her naps and I tend to spoil her.

Husband's parents decided to have my MIL's parents move in with them a few years ago. Nana had a stroke and it was hard for Papa to take care of her. When Papa passed away almost 3 years ago, it got more difficult. She was more active, then she is now, but it was still hard on my MIL and FIL. We would go over there and stay for a weekend every now and then so they could get away. I didn't mind "taking care" of Nana, I actually enjoyed it. She would ask me a lot about my mom, but I knew she didn't mean any harm. She was just wondering how I was doing with her passing.

Things are a bit different now. Nana can't walk and is getting more difficult to care for. My FIL had surgery on his shoulder, so he isn't able to take care of her like he use to. My MIL works full time and is tired when she gets home from work. It's almost like she has children again. She has her husband to take care of as well as her mother. I can see how it drains on her and stresses her out.

We've tried to talk to them about us taking over the care of Nana. We gave them a few options. They weren't the most ideal of options, but we were willing to do it to give Nana a chance at an enjoyable life. No matter how long she has left. One of our options was that MIL and FIL could move to the cabin they own in Sunriver and we would move into their house and take care of Nana. We we've been willing to do this for years. Before Zilla even started school, is when we talked to them about this. It would benefit both families. We would have been closer to Husband's job *at the time* and the children could go to school at the same school Husband went to when he was a child. My in laws would have been able to actually retire and enjoy their house in Sunriver. They didn't like this idea. They never gave us a reason, they just said "NO" and that was the end of that discussion.

Then during the summer, we stayed there for a week to care for Nana. It went well. It was a bit rough on the children since they didn't have their normal activities around to keep them occupied, but on the whole it went well. I was able to sit with Nana and care for her and yes, I spoiled her. We all enjoyed our time. We talked to my in laws about our family moving in with them. Not the most ideal situation, but once again if it were to help Nana, we were willing to do it. This was before we registered the children for school and we able to move. The children would have been in a good school district, it was closer to Husband's job, I would have been able to care for Nana and my in laws could come and go as they please. It wasn't perfect, of course, but it would've worked. They didn't like this choice, either. They weren't rude about it, but they declined our offer. So we went about our lives. We registered the children for school, moved and got Zilla into an all day program for school. We were "stuck" now. There is NO way we can just up and move NOW. I will not do it!

Now that things are very difficult for my in laws, with my FIL's surgery and Nana needing to be cared for more, they want our help. Except their help is not conducive to our family. They want me to go there every day from 9am-1:30pm. That would be a nice job IF we didn't live an hour from them or IF we didn't only have one vehicle, IF gas prices weren't high, OR the children didn't have to be in school around the same time.

I can't even imagine all the stress that would ensue if Husband and I decided to do this. The mornings would be very hectic and the afternoons, even more so. There would be NO family time and there would be A LOT of driving. Not to mention an unhappy mommy/wife and a very clingy 5 year old boy. As much as I love our dear Nana and would love to care for her, I can't see it happening. It makes me angry that my MIL would even ask me/us. She knows what it's like to work and have children. She knows the stresses it causes to have a crazy schedule. Why would she do this to me/us? Is she forgetting how much drive time it takes to get to their place from ours? Is she forgetting about the traffic that we'd have to drive through at those times during the day? Does she realize we'd have to put Zilla in an after school daycare program if we/I chose to do this?

Thankfully Husband is on board with me on this. Thankfully I'm not feeling "obligated" to do this because I'm the only one in the family who doesn't have a "job". I really hope she will actually listen to us when we go over there and talk to her tomorrow. I hope they realize we did try to help out a few months ago, but they didn't care for our suggestions. I don't want to be rude, but at the same time, we did try! We really wanted to do this a few months ago. Now, it just isn't feasible. I wish it were, I really do, but it isn't.

WOOOHOOO my dad is HERE!

My week has been a bit crazy. Since my dad was coming one would think that it was busy because I was scrubbing floorboards and cleaning toilets, nope! One would be wrong if one was thinking that. I was cleaning, yes, but not a deep cleaning. Just the normal laundry, kitchen, straightening up stuff. I was busy trying not to fall over, most of the week. I had an ear infection that was making me nauseous and gave me the worst headache ever! I get them all the time, so I knew what I needed to do. First of all keep the damn q-tips out of my ear! That's hard because it feels so gross that I HAVE to clean it. It just makes it worse. Second of all, take Advil or Excedrin every 4 hours. That did the trick. Oh and sleep! I did a lot of that. Mostly because there was nothing else to do. If I walked around, I'd either fall or stop every few steps to keep the bathroom in my view. I woke up yesterday feeling TONS better. Just in time to go get my dad, YAY!!!

He and my sister live in Sisters, which is about 3 hours away. So he takes the shuttle bus from Bend to Portland. We usually pick him up at the VA hospital or my aunt's house. We picked him up at the hospital and took him home!

We got home about an hour before we had to get the children from school and were able to spend some time together. We sat and talked on the couch and he told me all about whats going on with my lil sis and my cousins and such in Sisters.

Once the children got home, it turned into a mad house. They were jumping all over him getting his attention. Mostly Zilla, he's always excited to see his Opa. Nae is excited to, but she's too cool to jump up and down on Opa's lap. 11 year olds act like this, that's what I was told anyway.

Seeing my dad with the children and in my home is a bitter sweet moment. I am happy to have him here and I always wish he could and would live with us, but it makes me miss my mom that much more. When he is here, it takes little to nothing to bring a tear to my eye and that really frustrates me. I know it's "normal", but it just needs to be gone.

Tonight we're going to watch the Blazer game and hope they win AGAIN and have a beer or 2. I hope veryone enjoys their weekend! I will!

Support?

My in laws are kind of snobby. They believe in doing things the "right" way. If it isn't done the "right" way then, it isn't done.

When we were pregnant with our daughter, my MIL gave me ALL kinds of unsolicited advice. I know that's her job, but this is our baby. She already had hers, she doesn't get to pick out the name of our child. Nor does she get to tell me how to raise our child. I'll accept any kind of advice, but not criticism.

When we found out Nae might have been sick when she was born and/or possibly not live for very long, we made a "death plan". It sounds crude, but we wanted to be prepared if the worst happens. We didn't want ANYONE in the room for the delivery and if Nae was sick, we wanted NOBODY in our room. We just wanted it to be the 3 of us. That might have been selfish, but that was what our decision was. MIL didn't agree with this at all! She wanted to be in the room and basically pushed the issue until Husband had to be blunt and a bit rude about it. Of course they were "allowed" at the hospital for the duration, but not in our room for the actual birth.

Thankfully, all went well and they were able to meet their first grandchild. For the sake of our daughter, we decided to forget about the past. It isn't fair to put our opinions on our daughter and interfere with the relationship she should have with her grandparents.

I'm glad we did, even though there have been a few times when we got the advice that we didn't ask for. On the whole, they have been fairly quiet about their opinions. Instead of telling us what to do, she'll ask if she can give us some advice. That's a nice change.

There's been times when they didn't agree with choices we decided to make and make it VERY clear. Such as 4 years ago when we moved in with our best friends. They did not agree with that choice and let us know. It all went fine and our 2 families are still friends and I'm glad we did it.

Now that we are trying to make some hard choices and decisions for our future, where is our support? Where are the phone calls or the emails telling us we're doing the right thing? Even though it may not be the choice they would make, doesn't mean it's wrong.

We FINALLY got our check Friday and did everything with it we planned on doing with it. We paid bills, got all caught up, bought a new/used car and bought our one and only splurge. It's a nice feeling to have all that stuff done. The stress is slowly lifting.

When I mentioned all of this to my MIL, I didn't get much support. Just more questions and more criticism. I'm frustrated. I understand we're not doing things as they would be doing them, but that doesn't necessarily it's wrong. Thanksgiving should be interesting this year.

I blame this all on my dad and my sister. They're the ones who moved to Bend. If they hadn't moved, we could do Thanksgiving at MY house! They're getting it.... ;o)

I am praying for YOU

Since I opened my blog and my mind to the whole blogging world, I have had SO much support. I can't even explain how much I appreciate the comments and the well wishes. I know what it takes to click the publish button on a blog while you're crying. It is a difficult thing to do.

I have read many blogs in this time. I have cried while reading, I have prayed for these people and their hearts to heal when I go to bed. I've always prayed for healing in our world, but lately my prayers have had names attached to them. Even if it's just a "blog name".

My prayers may not change the outcome of a situation. They may not make a certain person feel better, but I am still doing it. I won't stop. I believe that somehow that person or those people I am sending our a prayer for will feel it. Maybe they will all of the sudden smile and that is my prayer getting to them.

If I have ever commented on a post and said I am sending out prayers for you and your family, I am doing exactly that. If I comment saying I am thinking about you and sending you a hug, I am doing just that. I mean what I say *type*, never will I not to do it.

There was a time in my life where I needed a lot of prayers and hugs and knowing that there were people whom I've never met doing just that, it did make a difference. It did make my heart a little lighter to know that someone was thinking me and my family.

If your reading this and your heart is feeling heavy and you need a hug or a prayer, you got it! You may not know me and I may not know you, but we are all here to help each other feel a little bit better. If it's something big and you truly can't see the light at then end of the tunnel, you deserve the hugs and/or prayers. If your day sucked because your boss is making you work all weekend long and you had dinner plans, that sucks and you deserve a hug to feel better, as well.

There's been times I've felt lonely even though, I was surrounded by a lot of people. That feeling is a terrible feeling. And if one comment saying you're being prayed for or being thought about will make you feel better, it's what we do as bloggers *in my opinion*

Enjoy your day the best that you are able to at the moment and know you are not alone!

There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel...Part 2

When I went grocery shopping my friend and I did something for another friend of ours. We returned all their cans for them. We were joking and laughing and having a fun time. All was well. My position on having a good day and not stressing was going strong.

When we got back and I checked the mail and there was no check in there, I was frustrated again. Instead of letting it get to me, I just shrugged my shoulders and looked at Husband and asked "what can we do?" He got his paperwork out and called them. Turns out it took 8 days for it to get from Oregon to Idaho! The paperwork got held up in the mail. We didn't take into account everyone mailing in their ballots that week. It might have been a good idea to Fed-Ex it, but hindsight is 20/20, right? The good news is that it is in the payroll department and it IS being processed! Thank Goddess! The guy that Husband talked to said it should be here at the end of the week. So we're crossing our fingers and hoping that he was right. At least we have an answer and the paperwork did in fact get to them. there was a 20 day deadline on the paperwork. We would have gotten NOTHING if they hadn't received in within the 20 day time line.

Our house is a lot calmer tonight. The adults aren't as tense as they were before. The children aren't bouncing off the walls as much as they were before and my head isn't pounding.

Although my great plan of taking the children puddle jumping wasn't as fun as I had hoped. Nae wanted to walk across the creek on the rocks and Zilla thought he could follow her. He didn't take into account that she is 6 years older then him and her legs are a lot longer then his. So he fell in, got all wet and proceeded to cry the whole way home! I did my best not to get frustrated with*he is only 6* and reason with him that, that is exactly what I told him what was going to happen.

Other then that, the day has been blissfully stress-free! I will be so happy when we can move on and stop worry about that damn check. It's kinda gettin old....

There is a light at the end of this dark tunnel...

I woke up this morning *early afternoon* determined not to stress out about something I have no control over. I wanted to be in a good mood. I wanted to take the kids and go jump in mud puddles and have fun with them. I didn't want to be an adult. For just ONE day. Just one day, I wanted to get wet and muddy and be cold because we are wet from our waists down. Just one day, I don't want to think about anything other then "where's the biggest mud puddle". So I am! I did have to do an adult thing and get some groceries, but that is IT!

Now I am off to go find a huge mud puddle with an 11 year old and a 5 year old. It should be A LOT of fun! I just wish we had a decent camera. Oh well, I have my phone. It doesn't take great pictures, but it does take pictures!

Heated Debates

The election caused a lot of people to talk about their own opinion. I'm always up for a good debate. Even if I know there is no point in my side of the debate. Meaning, I won't change the other person's mind. Which, of course, is fine. Just the spirit of the discussion can be fun. However, I do have a few rules when debating. Such as: I will NOT debate with you or have any type of controversial discussion with you when alcohol is involved. That's just asking for trouble. Also, if you're a simple minded ignorant asshole, I will not have a debate with you, either. I'm all for having a difference of opinion, but you do not get to thrown down the "N" bomb, nor do you get to tell me my views are wrong because I am a woman. That's just ignorance, not to mention insulting.

So, after reading this article, my friend and I started talking. I thought that this program was GREAT! There's an organization that will allow embryos to be put up for adoption in our small town. My friend totally disagreed with me! I was shocked because my friend is very pro-life! There is no wiggle room in her mind when it comes to this topic. We don't talk about it much because her and I have a difference of opinion and she gets very upset and emotional when we talk about it. So, it's just one of those things we agree to disagree on.

Her argument was that "there are children that need homes in our world, why can't people just adopt them?". To which I agree, but I tried to explain to her that it isn't that easy sometimes. I honestly, don't think she knew what she was talking about. I don't mean to say that as a snide remark, I say it because she said "so there's just babies kickin' in the lab?" "Ummm sweetie, they are frozen! They don't grow anymore because of that." Is what my reply was. I tried to keep it simple for her, not because I think she's dumb, but I honestly think she didn't understand! So her and I continued to talk and discuss and she got frustrated and we stopped talking about it.

My problem with how this discussion went was not our difference of opinions, but because I really think she got mad when I didn't see her view. I did my best to see where she was coming from and did my best to give her the facts of the article, but she just didn't "get it". I think her lifestyle has something to do with this. She's a single woman in her 20's who hasn't found herself, yet. She thinks she needs love to be happy and not lonely. She doesn't look at what she has around her and who is in her life and is just happy with that and herself.

I'm aware that her and I have different views on many things. I am ok with that, but I really want to talk about this with her again. I'm sure that's me glutton for punishment, but I want to understand where she is coming from. I want to know why she feels this isn't "right". I don't want to change her mind, although that would be awesome, I just want to understand. We'll see if I have the balls to open this can of worms with her. It could be fun, or it could go terrible wrong and we'll end up in a screaming match.

Unexpected gifts

I have no idea what I expected after clicking "publish" after pouring out my fears and insecurities on my last post. That's not true, I didn't really have any expectations. I was scared though, so scared. I didn't think I would get any "hate" comments, nor did I think anyone would judge me for making the decisions we/I made. What I got was an amount of support that made me cry. I got some "you did the right thing" and "I've been in your shoes before" comments and it was a good feeling. Of course, not because it happened to another person, but to realize that there are other adults who've come upon hard times and had to seek assistance from the government or the state. It doesn't make me feel good, but at the same time, having food in the house is more important then me feeling like an ass. It's something small, but when my son asked for raisins to have in his lunch and I was able to go to the store and get them, I knew it was the right choice.

So, thank you to everyone who read and sent me a comment. It made me feel less alone and less like a terrible person. That sounds a bit dramatic, but I did feel like an ass that first day I use my card to pay for our groceries *sigh*. I can't say "thank you" enough or tell you how much it meant to me to read all those comments. If there were another word that meant more than "thanks", that's the word I would use.

Just a few minutes ago, Husband and I were out front and I saw a cat by the truck. I clicked my tongue and it walked up on our porch and let us pet it! The cats around here are skittish and haven't let us get near them, much to Zilla's disappointment *and mine*. Not this cat, it walked right up to us and curled around our legs. It was a fluffy gray cat with a half crooked tail. Too cute! It was soft and was purring the whole time we were petting it. I sat down on our wet porch and let the cat crawl into my lap. It was so sweet and so soft. I wanted so badly to bring it into the house and snuggle with it all night long. After Husband went in, I sat there petting and playing with the cat for about 15 minutes. When it jumped off my lap and off the porch, I had a moment of sadness. I wanted that kitty to be mine. Then I looked back at it and said "thank you for letting me pet you and making a rough few days totally worth it".

Thank you to all my new blogging friends and thank you to that cat. Without either of those gifts, today would have ended on a crappy note. Instead I am once again, thinking off all the things I have and not about that stupid God damn check that hasn't come.....yet!

Sometimes

I know we made the right decision to have Husband get laid off. The expense in gas, wear and tear on the truck, not spending time with the children were all factors in this decision. It was the right choice for our family.

Moving was also the right choice for our family. I haven't quite got all the calculations worked out, but I'm pretty sure it's cheaper living here. If not, the extra money is well worth the benefit of not having to take care of 3 other children and another grown man.

We were responsible and saved money for the move in costs. Husband signed up for unemployment ASAP. We got insurance for the children, so they wouldn't be without. We got Nae a cell phone since, we wouldn't be 2 blocks away from her school and she wanted to play volleyball. Once again, the right and smart choices were made. So we thought...

I do believe the universe hates us, or maybe just Husband. I think he has bad karma and is getting God smacked left and right. Only his God smacks aren't only felt by him. They are felt by ALL 4 of us. Maybe more, depending on whom I'm whinnying to that day.

When the unemployment told us the date for our first check, we planned on it! We naively believed what they said when Husband talked to them. Well that day came and went and WEIRD, no check. Apparently the lady misspoke and we wouldn't get a check until the NEXT week. Well shit, we kind of planned on having that check THIS week.

Thankfully, there are resources in our community that I was able to use and all was well. Thankfully I/we have an amazing support system of friends who will and did come to my aid when I'm worrying about how we're going to get through the next week with $20 in our pockets.

So, as much as I didn't want to do it, I did. I walked into the Department of Human Services with my head held high and told them I needed help. I knew it was something that had to be done. I knew I wasn't an "less" of a parent because I was asking for assistance. Maybe my friend was right when she said "you doing this, is what makes you a good mom". I filled out the paperwork was assigned a caseworker and got my benefits. I thought for sure I was going to feel like a looser doing this, but strangely, I didn't. It was the right choice to make.

Good thing I did make the decision, because even though we have gotten our unemployment, the severance check hasn't come, yet. That check they said was going to be here within 30 days of Husband's last day of work, still has not showed up. We did get the paperwork and filled it and sent it off the very same day, still...no check.

There is nothing I can do about any of this. All I can do is pray and hope that all will be right soon. In the mean time, things are rough. Husband and I are tense. The children are tense. As much as we'd like to shield them from the stresses we are feeling, that isn't possible. My daughter isn't dumb. She knows what's going on, I wish it were different, but it is what it is. All of these are out of my control.

What I do have control over, is how I am handling all of this. I didn't let my ego get in the way when I easily could have. I am not snapping at anyone because I/we are stressed. I can worry till I turn blue, but that won't make any of it better.

What we do have is food in the house, heat to warm us up if we're cold, a beautiful creek to walk down and feed the ducks if it gets to be too much to stay in the house. We may not be where I thought we were going to be, but it could be worse. We have each other PLUS many friends and family members. We can be thankful for "the small" things such as, Zilla getting ALL green Bee's last week for good behavior. We can be thankful for Nae being honest with us when she failed a test, but is still betting a B+ in the class. We can be thankful that in spite of the money issue, we can still have dinner together and play "eye spy" and laugh when Husband "cheats" and one of the children gussies correctly. These aren't small things actually, they are HUGE things!

Money doesn't make anyone happy, yes it can make things easier, but not happy. We will be fine in a few days, this I know to be true. In the mean time, it'll be tough, but not impossible to think clearer.

Proud, Speechless, Excited and so much more

I ROCKED my vote today, literally. My friend and I dropped off our ballots and the whole city was a buzz with excitement. I texted all my friends this morning and wished them a happy election day. I sent silly comments to some of my friends on myspace. It was such an exciting day, for me!

We drove down to the court house. My armed with my ballot and our other friend's ballot, her with her ballot. We dropped them into the box and it was awesome! I cheered with her and with an Obama supporter. It was a few moments full of simplistic joy, laughter, light-heartedness, fun jabbing, and a HUGE moment of be so proud of myself and this country. We joked that if I didn't have our other friend's ballot with us, then each of our votes would have canceled each other's out. In our little house, Obama won. Much to my friend's disappointment. Then, of course, we went to Starbucks and got our coffee.

As the day wore on and everything was being counted and tallied and it became clear who our new president will be, it was surreal. My children were jumping around cheering for our new president, even though they don't quite understand the impact of it. Nae understands more then Zilla, of course. But still, have those 2 be excited for something that didn't involve a video game or a computer screen was pretty exciting for me, as their mom.

I sat on the couch and watch Barack Obama speak and I was impressed! I got the chills, I was a bit teary, it was a very moving speech. I was so proud to be a part of all of this. I am proud that our new president has a heritage that I can relate to. I am proud to say that he lived in a country that my family is from. Presently and in his/our past. It's pretty amazing!

My only wish is that his race wasn't an issue. I wish people could look at someone for who they are, not what they look like or who they want to spend their lives with. That's the only part of all of this that upsets me. I'm a Polly Anna like that.

I am excited for the future of our country. I can't wait to see how this story unfolds. For the moment, I congratulate Barack Obama on his win.

This is my pledge to ME!

I found this picture on my computer after Nae was using it. She put it on her myspace page and I couldn't be more proud of her!

I have never made a secret of the fact that I have had issues and sometimes still do with my weight. However, I am ALWAYS using it as a lesson. Not just with her, but with everyone that knows me. I don't diet, I don't go for jogs or walks to lose weight. I do it to stay healthy and BE healthier.

I realize that my body has changed since I've had children and gotten older. It happens. I will NEVER be 100 pounds again. If for some reason I am, it will be because I am sick and not because I want to be that weight. 100 pounds might be the "right" weight for my height, but I don't like it. I would much rather be curvy then have my bones stick out of my body.

So my pledge to myself is to go for a walk or a jog every day, but NOT to lose weight. It is to make myself feel better. When I come back from a run, I feel energized, I feel good, I feel less stressed. All of these things are GOOD things. If my legs get tones in the process and my tummy gets smaller, then that's an added bonus. I am doing this to feel better mentally, feeling better physically is a good thing, but not my sole goal.

I hope to be a role model, not only to my daughter, but to my friends who are unhealthy but choose to do nothing about it. Maybe, JUST maybe they will see me go every day and be inspired to be active. Not because they think they need to lose weight, but because it WILL make them feel better about themselves. And, I am ALL for feeling good about yourself!

Today is day one, I can AND will do this!

It went well!

Doin it the way my family would have!

I went on a walk this morning/afternoon and it was beautiful. The paths were covered in a carpet of leaves. Everything was beautifully colored in the colors of fall. It was hard to turn around and come home because everything was so peaceful and nice to look at.

I did get out of the house. My friend and I went to a few stores in town and window shopped. We were being our silly selves and I embarrassed her a few times. Good times had by all, especially me!

I bought a cake mix, frosting and a bottle of wine. When I got home, I made dinner and started my cake. After the cake was in the oven and baking, I opened up my wine. After it was cooled, I frosted it and we all sang happy birthday to Oma.

Zilla doesn't really remember my mom, which is both a blessing and a curse. Sometimes he gets why she isn't here and sometimes he doesn't. He and Nae sang while looking up. That was really sweet and kind of made me tear up a touch.

I did talk to my dad and sister and they were keeping busy today, just like I was. Whether that's healthy or not, I'm unsure, but that's what we did. So, all in all it was a good day. It was a bittersweet day, but hopefully things will keep going well for the 3 of us.

Happy Birthday, Mom!

She would be 66 today. We would have either sent her flowers or picked up some on the way over to see her and my dad. We would have most likely done it on Saturday, as they would probably still be living in Vancouver and that's a 2 hour drive BOTH ways for us.

Since she isn't here to celebrate this day with us, I am going to do my best to celebrate it for her. The past 2 years I have done something to celebrate the day, rather then crying all day. The first year Nae and I got a package of Hostess cupcakes, put a candle on the top and sang happy birthday to her. After we ate the yummy chocolate cupcake, we shared stories about Oma that made us happy. It was a moment with tears and laughter. It was sweet.

Last year, I didn't do the cupcake thing, but I did take a walk and wish her a happy birthday. I Think Nae and I had a candy bar, chocolate of course. Last year was tough for me. A lot tougher then the first year.

This year, I'm not sure what I will be doing. I've had a few moments of silent tears. That's frustrating for me. I don't want this to be a day of sadness, I want it to be a happy day. A day of celebration, but I know that if I hold it in, it will be worse.

So I think I will go to coffee with my friend and just do my best to celebrate this day!

Happy birthday mom, I love you and miss you more then I can ever say!