Nov 22, 2008

One more time and then I'm DONE...

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
One more whine/ bitch fest about my in-laws and then I will stop. I do love my in-laws *and not because I have to*, but sometimes...they get on my nerves. Lately that's what they have been doing.

Hy husband's grandmother *Nana* is old. She's had a stroke and isn't very mobile. She isn't very difficult to take care of, for me, but I can see how she would be difficult to care for. When we stay with her, she's very agreeable and does what I ask of her and such. I've never had a problem with her at all. That might be because I'm not pushy when it comes to her naps and I tend to spoil her.

Husband's parents decided to have my MIL's parents move in with them a few years ago. Nana had a stroke and it was hard for Papa to take care of her. When Papa passed away almost 3 years ago, it got more difficult. She was more active, then she is now, but it was still hard on my MIL and FIL. We would go over there and stay for a weekend every now and then so they could get away. I didn't mind "taking care" of Nana, I actually enjoyed it. She would ask me a lot about my mom, but I knew she didn't mean any harm. She was just wondering how I was doing with her passing.

Things are a bit different now. Nana can't walk and is getting more difficult to care for. My FIL had surgery on his shoulder, so he isn't able to take care of her like he use to. My MIL works full time and is tired when she gets home from work. It's almost like she has children again. She has her husband to take care of as well as her mother. I can see how it drains on her and stresses her out.

We've tried to talk to them about us taking over the care of Nana. We gave them a few options. They weren't the most ideal of options, but we were willing to do it to give Nana a chance at an enjoyable life. No matter how long she has left. One of our options was that MIL and FIL could move to the cabin they own in Sunriver and we would move into their house and take care of Nana. We we've been willing to do this for years. Before Zilla even started school, is when we talked to them about this. It would benefit both families. We would have been closer to Husband's job *at the time* and the children could go to school at the same school Husband went to when he was a child. My in laws would have been able to actually retire and enjoy their house in Sunriver. They didn't like this idea. They never gave us a reason, they just said "NO" and that was the end of that discussion.

Then during the summer, we stayed there for a week to care for Nana. It went well. It was a bit rough on the children since they didn't have their normal activities around to keep them occupied, but on the whole it went well. I was able to sit with Nana and care for her and yes, I spoiled her. We all enjoyed our time. We talked to my in laws about our family moving in with them. Not the most ideal situation, but once again if it were to help Nana, we were willing to do it. This was before we registered the children for school and we able to move. The children would have been in a good school district, it was closer to Husband's job, I would have been able to care for Nana and my in laws could come and go as they please. It wasn't perfect, of course, but it would've worked. They didn't like this choice, either. They weren't rude about it, but they declined our offer. So we went about our lives. We registered the children for school, moved and got Zilla into an all day program for school. We were "stuck" now. There is NO way we can just up and move NOW. I will not do it!

Now that things are very difficult for my in laws, with my FIL's surgery and Nana needing to be cared for more, they want our help. Except their help is not conducive to our family. They want me to go there every day from 9am-1:30pm. That would be a nice job IF we didn't live an hour from them or IF we didn't only have one vehicle, IF gas prices weren't high, OR the children didn't have to be in school around the same time.

I can't even imagine all the stress that would ensue if Husband and I decided to do this. The mornings would be very hectic and the afternoons, even more so. There would be NO family time and there would be A LOT of driving. Not to mention an unhappy mommy/wife and a very clingy 5 year old boy. As much as I love our dear Nana and would love to care for her, I can't see it happening. It makes me angry that my MIL would even ask me/us. She knows what it's like to work and have children. She knows the stresses it causes to have a crazy schedule. Why would she do this to me/us? Is she forgetting how much drive time it takes to get to their place from ours? Is she forgetting about the traffic that we'd have to drive through at those times during the day? Does she realize we'd have to put Zilla in an after school daycare program if we/I chose to do this?

Thankfully Husband is on board with me on this. Thankfully I'm not feeling "obligated" to do this because I'm the only one in the family who doesn't have a "job". I really hope she will actually listen to us when we go over there and talk to her tomorrow. I hope they realize we did try to help out a few months ago, but they didn't care for our suggestions. I don't want to be rude, but at the same time, we did try! We really wanted to do this a few months ago. Now, it just isn't feasible. I wish it were, I really do, but it isn't.

14 friends have commented:

Stephanie, Phil, Kayla, Logan & Alex on November 23, 2008 at 2:32 PM said...

I think it's wonderful how much you've offered to help with Nana. That's sad that the in laws seems so insensitive about their request. I hope your talk with them goes well.


Elana Kahn on November 23, 2008 at 6:13 PM said...

I think you're doing the right thing, even though it may be difficult. I do hope things work out with the in-laws!! Here from ICLW.

Topcat on November 23, 2008 at 10:51 PM said...

So how did you go, talking to them? Well, I hope. Sounds like you did EVERYTHING in your power to help out, and try to organise things beforehand, and now you can't just turn your lifeupside down. You have kids. It's not that easy.

I love how you love Nana.


Amy on November 24, 2008 at 10:27 AM said...

I'm sorry you're having to go through these family stresses. It's good your husband is on board with you. I don't think its unreasonable for you to tell them no on this. It's not like you didn't give them different solutions. Good luck!

Sam on November 24, 2008 at 2:22 PM said...

Hmmm, it's a difficult situation isn't it? I think that it is great that you want to help, but I do think that you must be able to help in a way that doesn't affect your own family life.

Kristin on November 24, 2008 at 4:28 PM said...

Stick to your guns sweetie! That kind of schedule would be destructive for your family. Maybe they will be more open to your offers of help in the future.

Mama Bear on November 24, 2008 at 6:52 PM said...

hope everything works out for the best - sounds like you are doing all you can.

IdleMindOfBeth on November 25, 2008 at 11:39 AM said...


I hope that you can all work towards an arrangement that all involved can be comfortable with. Good luck!

Anonymous said...

It's really hard when people don't think ahead when they should. I hate having to try to work around stubborn people. :(

Seriously? - Erin on November 26, 2008 at 7:09 AM said...

Here from ICLW. Sounds like a difficult situation. It must be hard to have to make decisions like that but it is always best when backed up by your partner.

I hope you find a solution that will work for everyone.

Rachel on November 26, 2008 at 1:37 PM said...

I think you are 100% right, and I'm actually amazed at your willingness to help as much as you offered earlier on. You are an angel!

But as you said, now, it would be too hard on your family. Way too hard for you, you'd be exhausted physically and emotionally from the drive and the stress of just getting there and back, etc., etc.

And you know, if you're not happy, no one will be happy.

alicia on November 26, 2008 at 1:50 PM said...

I don't think you are being rude at all. You offered, when it would work for your family and they said no and gave you no reason, so why can't you say no now! It is a sad situation and I am sorry you are dealing with all of this.

I hope they find a solution that works for everyone.

here from iclw

Stacie on November 28, 2008 at 11:22 AM said...

I hope you are able to find a solution that would work for everyone. Glad that your hubby is seeing things your way. How did it go with the talk?


Kymberli on November 28, 2008 at 6:05 PM said...

You are giving and true and kind, and I'm sorry that those qualities are at the crux of drama. I'm anxiously awaiting your update. In the meantime, I've left an award for you on my blog1

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