***WARNING*** this post deals with molestation and you might not want to continue...it isn't pretty. Here is a bit of a back story if you want to know what the hell I'm talking about.
I'm feeling all these emotions, plus a few more.
This weekend my cousins are all in town from California. I haven't seen most of them since my mom's funeral over 3 years ago. I'd like to go see them, but I've chosen not to go. Right now, as of this moment, I don't feel strong enough to go.
I've been asked why we won't be bringing the kids to see my Oma and the cousins. My usual answer is a total lie. Something about school functions, or birthday parties, or someone being sick. I know it isn't right to lie and it's not fair, but at the same time, I am not sure who knows about what Frank did to me and I am not really up to shaking up our whole family.
I'm angry because it seems nobody else knows exactly WHY I'm making this decision. If I'm going to be honest with myself, I'm going to have to say I'm angry at my dad. That is not easy for me to admit. I love my father with all my heart. He is a kind gentle man, who has supported our family for years. He's worked more then one job so him and my mom could give us a good Christmas AND pay bills. He's selfless, compassionate, kind and many more. I could go on and on about my dad. But right now, I'm angry. I don't know if I'm angry at him, per se or if I'm angry at the situation.
When it first came up that my cousins and aunt were coming for a visit, I was very upfront about my children not going to Frank's house. Husband and I talked about it, and there was no way they were going. Even if both him and I were there and nothing was going to happen to them. I am NOT putting my children's' innocence in jeopardy just because I want to go see my family. My dad accepted this and there wasn't any more discussions about it. Until yesterday, that is.
He called me to tell me he was in Lake Oswego and told me that Oma and the other family members really want to see the children. I told him "that's not going to happen". I left no room for a discussion, I just told him like it was. I don't know if his mom and sister were bugging him about it or what, but when he asked me that question AGAIN, I got angry. I talked to Husband about it, more like vented, and we were on the same page.
As the day wore on and i got to thinking about it more, I felt all these emotions I haven't felt in along time. I am confused because I don't know why my dad keeps asking me to bring the kids up there. I'm hurt because I feel like he doesn't "get it". I'm angry at Frank for doing something to me he had NO business doing to a child and causing MY children to miss out on a big chunk of family. I feel a little betrayed because nobody knows about this?! Really?! Nobody knows that Frank is a piece of shit child molester? On one hand I want to go over there and tell everyone what he did to me and hurt him and his family like he's hurt me and mine. Then I calm down and realize that probably won't make me feel any better and it could hurt innocent people.
I have NO idea what my mom and my dad talked about in the years after this happened. So, I have no idea exactly what my dad knows. I've talked to my mom in detail about it, but never my dad. As close as my dad and I are, it's not something I ever felt comfortable talking to him about. But my mom? Oh she got all kinds of ears full. We've talked about it on more then one occasion. So she knew all the details. I can't imagine it was easy for her to hear, but she always understood how I felt. Never once did she question why I'm not going there or why I'm not bringing my kids there. She always accepted my choice. But now that I don't have my mom as a buffer anymore, it's a "big deal". It's hard for me to believe that this is the first time I've had to deal with this since she's died, but it is. It's another smack in the face and a reminder that my mom is dead *sigh* this sucks! On SO many levels.
I've made my decision and I am not going to go, either. I don't feel like I am strong enough to go right now. I just got done talking to Husband about this and he said "I have no doubt in my mind you are strong enough to go and deal with this, but if you don't want to or feel like you can't, then don't go". He's always been amazingly supportive of the situation, even if he doesn't understand it. He also said "every time I've seen Frank, it takes everything I have NOT to punch him in the face". Oh snap! Somebody is angry too! Truth be told, if he did punch Frank, I'd probably jump up and down like a cheerleader *giggle* I feel like maybe it's a cop out not to go, or I'm being weak, but I can't go. I've worked so hard to get to the place I am right now, and I feel that if I go, my mental health will suffer. And I will not have all my hard work go to waste. I've done a damn good job lately and Frank is NOT going to take something ELSE away from me!