Mar 13, 2009

Confused. Hurt. Angry! Betrayed?

Musings of A Beautiful Mess
***WARNING*** this post deals with molestation and you might not want to continue...it isn't pretty. Here is a bit of a back story if you want to know what the hell I'm talking about.

I'm feeling all these emotions, plus a few more.

This weekend my cousins are all in town from California. I haven't seen most of them since my mom's funeral over 3 years ago. I'd like to go see them, but I've chosen not to go. Right now, as of this moment, I don't feel strong enough to go.

I've been asked why we won't be bringing the kids to see my Oma and the cousins. My usual answer is a total lie. Something about school functions, or birthday parties, or someone being sick. I know it isn't right to lie and it's not fair, but at the same time, I am not sure who knows about what Frank did to me and I am not really up to shaking up our whole family.

I'm angry because it seems nobody else knows exactly WHY I'm making this decision. If I'm going to be honest with myself, I'm going to have to say I'm angry at my dad. That is not easy for me to admit. I love my father with all my heart. He is a kind gentle man, who has supported our family for years. He's worked more then one job so him and my mom could give us a good Christmas AND pay bills. He's selfless, compassionate, kind and many more. I could go on and on about my dad. But right now, I'm angry. I don't know if I'm angry at him, per se or if I'm angry at the situation.

When it first came up that my cousins and aunt were coming for a visit, I was very upfront about my children not going to Frank's house. Husband and I talked about it, and there was no way they were going. Even if both him and I were there and nothing was going to happen to them. I am NOT putting my children's' innocence in jeopardy just because I want to go see my family. My dad accepted this and there wasn't any more discussions about it. Until yesterday, that is.

He called me to tell me he was in Lake Oswego and told me that Oma and the other family members really want to see the children. I told him "that's not going to happen". I left no room for a discussion, I just told him like it was. I don't know if his mom and sister were bugging him about it or what, but when he asked me that question AGAIN, I got angry. I talked to Husband about it, more like vented, and we were on the same page.

As the day wore on and i got to thinking about it more, I felt all these emotions I haven't felt in along time. I am confused because I don't know why my dad keeps asking me to bring the kids up there. I'm hurt because I feel like he doesn't "get it". I'm angry at Frank for doing something to me he had NO business doing to a child and causing MY children to miss out on a big chunk of family. I feel a little betrayed because nobody knows about this?! Really?! Nobody knows that Frank is a piece of shit child molester? On one hand I want to go over there and tell everyone what he did to me and hurt him and his family like he's hurt me and mine. Then I calm down and realize that probably won't make me feel any better and it could hurt innocent people.

I have NO idea what my mom and my dad talked about in the years after this happened. So, I have no idea exactly what my dad knows. I've talked to my mom in detail about it, but never my dad. As close as my dad and I are, it's not something I ever felt comfortable talking to him about. But my mom? Oh she got all kinds of ears full. We've talked about it on more then one occasion. So she knew all the details. I can't imagine it was easy for her to hear, but she always understood how I felt. Never once did she question why I'm not going there or why I'm not bringing my kids there. She always accepted my choice. But now that I don't have my mom as a buffer anymore, it's a "big deal". It's hard for me to believe that this is the first time I've had to deal with this since she's died, but it is. It's another smack in the face and a reminder that my mom is dead *sigh* this sucks! On SO many levels.

I've made my decision and I am not going to go, either. I don't feel like I am strong enough to go right now. I just got done talking to Husband about this and he said "I have no doubt in my mind you are strong enough to go and deal with this, but if you don't want to or feel like you can't, then don't go". He's always been amazingly supportive of the situation, even if he doesn't understand it. He also said "every time I've seen Frank, it takes everything I have NOT to punch him in the face". Oh snap! Somebody is angry too! Truth be told, if he did punch Frank, I'd probably jump up and down like a cheerleader *giggle* I feel like maybe it's a cop out not to go, or I'm being weak, but I can't go. I've worked so hard to get to the place I am right now, and I feel that if I go, my mental health will suffer. And I will not have all my hard work go to waste. I've done a damn good job lately and Frank is NOT going to take something ELSE away from me!

9 friends have commented:

Heather and Jase on March 13, 2009 at 1:14 PM said...

No one has the right to try and force you into facing this son of a bitch. Just because your family can turn a blind eye to what was done to you that doesn't make you selfish for not being able to.

I think you're being a responsible mother for not having your children near him. Like you said, even if they were on lock down perverts like this asshole will still find a way.

I just can't believe your father would be around this man if he knew all the details of what was done to you. Maybe he doesn't. If he does then shame on him!

Stand firm! *HUGS*

sunflowerchilde on March 13, 2009 at 2:46 PM said...

OMG, I had no idea about any of that. You are a strong, amazing woman. I think that you should stand by your choices regarding this situation no matter how anyone makes you feel. And you shouldn't have to explain yourself or make excuses to anyone, either. You have your reasons and that's good enough. It's great that your husband is so supportive of you as well.

I'm so so so sorry that you went though that and that you're still having to deal with it.

SS on March 13, 2009 at 6:41 PM said...

I am so sorry that you've had to deal with this situation in your life. And I know you don't want to bring your children in to his house. But honestly I don't want YOU to have to go into that house. Even if you didn't have children I would hate for you to have to see him. I am sorry your dad doesn't seem to recognize that this is a ridiculous request. Maybe he doesn't understand.

You are doing what's right for you and what anyone in your situation would do. You are a strong woman to have to deal with this family secret.

seussgirl on March 14, 2009 at 5:04 AM said...

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with all of this and the added pressure from your dad on top of it. You absolutely have the right to make the choice not to go there.

Is there any way to see the rest of the family somewhere else? Invite them over? Go to lunch? Find a way to not see him?

Thinking of you!

CappyPrincess on March 14, 2009 at 10:49 AM said...

I think you hit the nail on the head when you said you don't know what your mom and dad talked about and how much, if anything, he knows. From everything you've said about your dad, I have a hard time picturing him pressuring you into a family get together if he knew what a slimeball Frank was.

I'm glad hubby is supporting you in your decision to stay away, but I hurt for you that you are still bearing the shame of Frank's actions. EVERYONE in the family ought to know what that SOB did to you!(And again, I'm guessing from previous statements that they don't have a clue). Why you should you have to hid it like it was something sordid that you did?

Stand firm in your decision to protect yourself and your children. The rest will work itself out eventually.

Hugs for you!

Deathstar on March 14, 2009 at 1:39 PM said...

You're doing for your children what you wish could have been done for you. That is, not putting them in a situation that could be harmful to them. Of course, in your case, it certainly wasn't intentional, but knowing what you know now, it's perfectly understandable that you don't want them to not even breathe the tainted air, so to speak.

I think what is so galling is that you are put in the position of having to make the hard choices. You are the one that is missing your aunt and your cousins, you are the one that has to make up the excuses, the lies. You are the one that carries the ugly truth like a bomb. And that is infuriating!!!! YOU are not the guilty one, you are not the perpertrator, but you are the one that has to carry this around with her just to "keep the peace" so to speak. YOU are not to blame and that's the real crime - that you have to be the bearer of this secret. GRRRRR!!!!! Perhaps your father needs to be a father again.

JamieD on March 14, 2009 at 2:36 PM said...

I'm so sorry for what you've gone through and what you continue to go through.

You have to do what is right for you and for your children. I'm shocked your father doesn't understand this and shocked the rest of your family isn't aware of the situation. If no one knows, it makes me wonder who else has suffered by him.

Sending you thoughts of strength and peace . . .

Liv on March 15, 2009 at 1:51 PM said...

I can understand all of your feelings. I know you said that you're not sure if you are angry at your father or if it's just the situation. I think not only is it both - it's one in the same.

Although your father is a wonderful, caring and thoughtful man, (whom I wish I could have had a father like) I'm sure deep down you are angry with him for not exposing Frank for the disgusting pig that he is. I think that your father thought the best thing (given the circumstances) was to "sweep everything under the rug". Of course after he told him to never lay an f'n hand on you again. But, because there was no police report filed this had to remain a family secret. And the burden of that secret has fallen squarely on your shoulders. You choose to keep the status quo out of respect of the innocent family members you do care about. But that is a big burden to carry.

I think you made the right decision by not participating in family events that he attends. It is a shame that you have to also ex-communicate the other family members too. But, if that's what it takes to keep your family safe that's what it takes. It's just one more casualty of that person's terrible choice to have harmed you.

I'm not sure if this is possible, but perhaps you can give a single invitation to the cousins or your Oma to meet for pizza or something so they can see your kids. But, you call the shots. Don't be afraid to say I want to spend time with you but not him. No need to give details as to why. But, if it means that much to you to see the good family members - that might make you feel better. Again, it may not be possible and maybe we can just wish he gets hit by a bus. :o)

I believe your father continues to bring this up because in his mind beyond that time many years ago, he hasn't had to "deal" with this. Your mother took on that role. So, it probably took everything he had not to take the man out and beat him to death. And he probably left those feelings behind in that house because it was just too painful to bear. Not that he's forgotten per se, but pretending like everything's okay is probably his coping mechanism.

I'm sorry that you and I have to be in this awful, awful boat. I wish the world could swallow up all the child molesters and never spit them back out. But, you are doing a great job and if your family is only the family you stay connected with, then that is just the way it is.

Much Love,
xoxoxo

Stacey K on March 19, 2009 at 2:41 PM said...

Late in joining this discussion I know, but i am anyway.

You are right in your resolve to keep the kids away from him. It's hard for me to imagine that your dad knows and still wants the kids there. So many families want to hide the truth because then maybe it isn't so.

I am sorry for your pain and amazed at your strength. Far too many people would let their family bully them into allowing the kids to visit. You have the strength to stand by your choices.

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