Sock It To Me, Bitches!

Oh how much do I/we LOVE Kym?! I can't speak for anyone else, I was once told it was rude, so I'll just say that I love Kym! I think I might have a wee bit of a girly crush on her. Don't get scared Kym, I won't stalk you in real life, just from my computer.

She is coordinating a sock exchange! How fun! Back in the day, I LOVED socks. The funkier the better. Some how I lost my love for funky socks. It might have been while working outside the home or maybe I just spent that money on other things. Like rent, car insurance, dumb grown up stuff. Slowly the sock love has been creeping back into my heart. I have a few funky pairs that I wear and love em SO much. Plus seeing the pictures of funky socks on different blogs, got me wanting some funkies of my own. What better way to get a pair of funky socks, then to participate in Kym's Sock-It-To-Me Exchange? The best part is; I get to pick out a pair of socks for another blogger AND send em to her! That's SO awesome! If you're interested in, go check out Kym's blog and read up on it or click on the badge to the side. It's going to be SO much fun!

Wooo Look at Me go!

Somewhere along the line, some how, I grew up! Not only did I make the choice to face the facts and deal with the fact that my mom is dead. I, sadly, know this now. It's still a process, but I'm going through it with my eyes open and I'm no longer running from the pain. It helps, who knew my therapist, husband, friends and family were right? So, there was that. That made me grow up a bit.

And then I decided to start exercising. At first it sucked A LOT. It still sucks, but it's getting easier. I've even upped my workout to 40 minutes. I still find myself wishing Bob a slow painful death when I have to do ANOTHER push up, but not as much as I did before.

It may have been the exercising thing, or the "my mom is dead" thing, but the choices I've made lately aren't the same choices I would have made this time last year. I went to a friend's birthday party last night. My designated driver said he didn't want stay out late, so we were only staying until midnight. I was apprehensive about going because a few of our friends tend to cry when they start drinking and I can not handle it. They talk about dead boyfriends, grandmothers and parents and such and I can't deal. I'm not that far into this acceptance process not to be affected by it. I go out with my friends to get away from my thoughts. So, when they start crying, I walk away. Yes, it's not very kind or compassionate, but I don't cry very often and I sure as hell don't cry in public, if I can control it. So, to have a time limit on this evening was perfect for me.

As the night wore on, we were having a really good time. No tears! I had a few martinis, friends had a few beers and we were celebrating a birthday! It was a lot of fun! Then came midnight and my DD didn't want to leave. But I did. He was having a good time, and didn't want to leave. I wanted to stay too, but I kept thinking "I want to work out in the morning and I don't want to be tired and/or hungover". I was very shocked at my train of thoughts. Normally I'd throw caution to the wind and have a grand old time closing the bar down and downing a few more drinks. But not last night. I was home WAY before the bar closed. I came home a little tipsy, and snuggled into my bed happy as a clam to be next to my husband's warm body. I'm a grown up, now.

Mostly, nobody really understood my want not to leave. I'm not sure I really understood it until today. I just know that in order for me to get to the place I want to be, I need to make different choices. I need to realize I can't fix my friends' problems. I can't change their moods or outlook on life if they don't want them to be changed. I can't continue to think about everyone before myself. I have to know exactly who I am and what I want before I try to tell someone else that they are making the wrong choice. Even if it's just my opinion.

Slowly but surly I'm getting there. I feel like I am SO close to being there, that I can taste it. This could all be a false alarm or it could be The real Thing. Even if it is a false alarm, it will prepare me for The Real Thing.

I'm conquering all my mountains and some day, soon hopefully, I'll be the trailblazer I so badly want to be. In the mean time, I'll accept my grown up badge, thank you very much :D

Can We PLEASE Pull together?

Kym is asking for a little help. I won't go into her tale because I can't do it justice, but if you haven't, go over and read at least ONE of her posts and you will be hooked, promise.

Her latest entry is, as always, funny and honest. She needs some support, but also she needs meds for her journey to help Chance and Apollo. Please, if ANYONE knows anyone who has something that she is asking, PLEASE email her and give her your info.

She is in need of the following :

4500 units Follistim
Lupron (to total two 2-week kits)
70 (seventy) 0.1 mg Vivelle dots (at least)
20 cc progesterone in ethyl oleate (at least)

I have witnessed this community rally for others, can we do it again? If you aren't in a position to give meds, go give her some support, if you haven't already. Basically, Kym rocks and I would love to see her, Chance and Apollo's dream come true.

I think I'm a Bad Friend

Generally, I'm a great friend. I try to listen and give advice if asked. I usually give my opinion, but am always supportive of the other persons decision. I've always said "I may not agree with your choice, but that doesn't mean I won't support you and your choices". Lately though, this has been a bit more difficult.

One of my best friends has just broken up with her girlfriend. Her relationship with her girlfriend has caused her to put out friendship on the back burner many times. I've accepted this because it makes my friend happy to be with this woman. This woman and I do not get a long. It's gotten better, but I would never call us "friends". I've tried so many times to take the high road and be kind to her, but she really does not like me. I believe, she's jealous of me. Not of who I am, but what kind of friendship I have with my best friend. When I have a friend, they mean a lot to me. I enjoy spending a lot of time with that person. So, the girlfriend was jealous and tried to put a wedge between my friend and I. It worked for awhile, until my friend realized what was going on.

The relationship they have is not healthy. It's not just my opinion, but it's a fact. Her g/f controls her and she allows herself to be controlled. Her g/f calls her anytime of the day, tells her to get her some food and she goes and does it. It's a very unhealthy relationship, to say the least. But it isn't my relationship. It's my friend's. It's none of my business to pass judgment on their relationship. All I can do is be supportive and be here when my friend needs me. I've done my best to not talk badly about her g/f when she talks to me about their problems or whatever. I've really done my best to be kind and give support when needed. I've even gone so far as to invite her g/f over for dinner or to do something with us. She always declines, but I figure if this person is going to be in my best friend's life, then I better just suck it up and kill her with kindness. Which was working rather well. I'd hold my tongue when I felt I was about to say something unkind. I'd detach me personal feelings and try to be as neutral as possible. I've even gone so far as to give my friend advice on why her g/f acts the way she does.

Well, they broke up a few weeks ago. Usually they get back together in a matter of time, but g/f doesn't want to have anything to do with my friend. Although, I feel bad for my friend because obviously she's sad about all of this, I just can't bare to give her any type of emotional support. I've done it so many times and gotten nothing in return but hurt feelings on my part. They brake up, we become close friend again, they get back together and I'm nobody. It really hurts my feelings to put so much emotional effort in making her feel better when it's not getting returned to me.

Part of me doesn't understand why she's so upset. her g/f treats her like shit. She's even admitted it! She said "I'm having 'get shit on' withdraws. I miss my g/f". All she does is hole herself in her room. She doesn't eat dinner with us, she NEVER returns my text messages, she hardly ever talks to me anymore, and when I ask her to do something, she'll either not answer her phone, or decline for some reason or another. I know I need to be supportive, but I guess I just don't know how, anymore. So, I've just kind of let her be. I've allowed her to do her mopey thing and have her pity parties without acknowledging them.

On one hand I feel like I'm being a horrible friend when she's clearly in need, but how much do I give of myself to her? I know depression, I honestly do. I've been there many times. There's been many times when all I wanted to do was sit on the couch and wallow in self pity, but that's because MY MOM DIED! I know I can't compare the two, because her feelings are different from mine and she probably is feeling like someone died. But I can't keep on doing this. I can't keep up with her mood swings and try to help her when she won't allow me to help and I can't give all myself to her when all is well, I'll just get tossed onto the back burner again.

If anyone has ANY advice for me, I'd GREATLY appreciate it. Feel free to call me an asshole for not being as compassionate about her feelings as I could, because I kind of am. I just want her to be my happy friend again, or something close to that.

Exercising

Lets talk about exercising, shall we? I'm going to be completely honest here and very snarky, mostly because I do NOT like to exercise.

I go for runs about once a week. I enjoy my runs, I really do. I go at my own pace, I walk when I'm feeling winded, I listen to my music. It's all about my mental health, when I go for a run. Yes, it benefits my physical health, too but that's not my main reason for doing it. It relieves stress for me.

So since I've realized that my new "skinny" jeans are a bit tight and my "fat" jeans aren't just tight while I'm raging with PMS, I decided I should up my exercise a bit. I go to our on demand menu and scroll to the exercise part. I pick one that has cardio, I know that for me to lose some of this weight and get strong, I need to get all sweaty and gross.

It really wasn't that hard, honestly. yes, I wanted to punch Jillian Michaels in the face and I truly believe she's the devil, but it was doable for me. I'm doing my workout, panting like a dog that's about to die and cursing Jillian, but I'm doing IT! There are few moves, I chose to do as a lower impact routine, but I was still doing them. I was feeling pretty good about myself. A little smug, even. That was until a few hours later and my legs HURT! My muscles were SO sore. My ass muscles, my thing muscles, ALL of my freakin muscles hurt. All I could think of were those contestants on The Biggest loser. THEY had to get up and do it AGAIN, the next day! I, on the other hand, had the option of not turning on the TV and sitting my sore body on the couch. As much as I wanted to do just that, I turned the TV on. Mistake, BIG mistake. If i thought i was panting like a dying dog the first time, this time, I WAS the dead dog. I couldn't do any of the moves, that's how sore my body was! I wish I was over exaggerating, but I'm not. I wish I could tell you "oh it's really not that hard, anyone can do it". I couldn't finish the whole routine, which was only 20 minutes. I took a few days off and tried it again. It was a little easier but still hard.

Life happened, kids got sick, husband got sick, and I wasn't able to do it for about a week. I returned to it Friday and it was easier. I did a different one, but it was still cardio. It was Bob from The Biggest Loser and I liked him better. I didn't feel the need to stab him in the throat with a rusty spoon, I'm look at that as a plus. I felt pretty good until later in the evening.

I got up to do something and OH MY GOD! My ass and things hurt like hell! My legs were so shaky, I was afraid I was going to fall. I was wincing and grinding my teeth when I had to step up on the ONE step that's in our house. And fall I did!

We had to go to lunch with my in laws and I was walking around the house getting everything together and BAM! I totally fell on the ONE step that's in our house..lol I can't even tell you what happened. I was walking one second and the next I was on the floor confused and laughing so hard.

I get that these muscles I have, haven't been used before, so of course they are going to be sore. But how the hell am I to continue making myself healthy if it hurts so bad to just move. I'll do my best to keep doing these exercises because obviously I can get results. I've seen the show and I know it works. I just wish it didn't hurt so bad. If it's suppose to be good for you, it shouldn't hurt.

I know this exercise rant is being fueled by PMS and I'll be better in a day or two. I might not even want to stab Jillian and Bob, but at the moment, those two are on my list. Watch out!

*picture found via google

Show and Tell: Memory Box

For Show and Tell this week, I decided to get a little brave. I have a box containing cards, letters, and the like from my mom's funeral. I've mentioned before that this box lives in my hall closet. I walk by it every day, sometimes I look at it, but generally I walk by it without looking at it.

I don't think I'm to the point in my journey to acceptance, to have this box in my room or out in the open. I don't think I am ready to have that box within my reach. I've looked into this box a few times. Sometimes it's to put something in, I want to keep as a remembrance. And sometimes it's to look through the papers in the box. I looked at it in January when I got home from church, on the anniversary of her death. I, of course, cried my eyes out like I do every time I look into that box.

Every time I open that box, I lose my breath. I have to remind myself to breath. I have to take a deep breath. I sit on the bed and I look and read through every thing in there. I read the poem we picked out to go over her picture on her memorial booklet we had at her funeral. I read the cards I got from people wishing me well after her death. I look at her picture, and I cry. It's so hard to look at that box, but SO much harder to look IN that box. It brings back the day she died and it beings back the day of her funeral. It makes my heart to break to realize that all these questions I have, will never be answered by MY mother. Yes, I have a MIL, but it's not the same. Yes, I have my father, but once again, it's not the same.

It's a small and unassuming box, but to me, it's whats left of my mom. I hope one day, soon maybe, I will be able to have a shelf in my house and be able to put it up on there. I kind of feel bad that it's just sitting in a dark closet that holds towels and such, but for my mental health, it can't be out in the open. Not right now, at least.

Go on over to Mel's blog and see what everyone else is bring to Show and Tell.

Honesty Times Three

OK, So I did this awhile back and tagged a few gals and I got tagged back, three times! I'm not sure if I have 30 honest bits of information ya'll don't know about me, but lets try. I'm really going to try and dig DEEP.

Here's the low down:
1) Choose 7 blogs that you think deserve this award. Since, I've done this before and tagged 7 bloggers and got tagged back, I don't know if I've read a blog where they haven't done this. I'll continue to look, though.

2) Link the 7 bloggers you choose and leave a comment saying you gave them the award.

3) List at least 10 honest things about yourself.

Thank you to Kimbosue, Suessgirl, and Alicia who tagged me.

Here goes nothin'

1: I trimmed my own hair a few weeks ago. I needed a hair cut BADLY, but really want to get my nose pierced and felt like I shouldn't do both. Now, I can get my nose pierced :D

2: I'm afraid that when I do get my nose pierced I'll look like an old chick trying to look like a young chick. I'll likely chicken out.

3: My arm pits sweat A LOT. Gross, but true. My body changed somewhere along the line. But I rarely have body odor.

4: I think Kanye West is a total douche bag, but I really like his music.

5 I am a horrible when it comes to mopping my floors. I detest doing it, so I usually bribe someone else to do it.

6: Every time I watch Grey's Anatomy, I cry. Every. Single. Time!

7: I was 2 weeks late for my period in December, got a little scared/excited, only to find out I was having a miscarriage. I didn't tell anybody but my husband.

8: I miss my dad so much, but every time I talk to him, I put on my "big girl panties" on and tell him all is well in my world.

9: I've taken my wedding ring off at the bar to get free drinks. It didn't work as well as having it on, weird. I did tell my husband about it, though.

10: I love asking random people random questions. My favorite one is to ask men what age they were when they lost their virginity. More often times then not, it's around 14-15 years old! WHAT?!

11: I rock out when I'm doing laundry.

12: I just started having the type of nightmares you have to convince yourself it was just a dream, in December. Now, I have about one a week.

13: If my phone rings and I don't have the number in my phone, I won't answer it. So if ya'll call me and I don't answer, leave a message.

14: I text so much in a day, that I usually have to delete my text messages twice a day. My phone will only hold about 300 texts messages. that includes sent and received.

15: I am IMMENSELY proud of my friend S. She's one of my heroes! Love ya, girl!

16: I can be very shallow.

17: I was a pre-school teacher for years. I loved those kids like they were my own. When I left, I cried and cried. I still think about those kids, sometimes.

18: My husband thinks I'd make an excellent nurse because he says I'm a really caring person. I think he's just trying to get laid ;o)

19: The wallpaper on my phone is a picture of my best friend and I at my birthday party.

20: I am addicted to chap stick. I have a tube in every room in the house, plus 3 at my desk and 4 in a bag in my room. Oh that reminds me, I need to put one in our car.

21: I don't drive. I know how, but my license is suspended.

22: Most of my friends are flakes.

23: NBA All Star weekend and shark week are 2 of my favorite times of the year.

24: I really want to go to South Africa and swim with sharks, seriously.

25: I grew up in a very snobby/rich town. I live in a farming town now and there was an emu walking down my street the other day! His name is Elmo and I want him to be my pet.

26: I'm horrible at eye brow up keep. I'll tweeze the middle, but I can't bring myself to tweeze the upper and lower. OUCHIES!!!

27: I have no idea what I'm going to bake for Pay It forward and I am terrified the gals won't like it. But I'm going to try to make it yummy, girls!

28: I have no patience for people who bring drama to themselves and then whine about how their life is just SO horrible.

29: I also have no patience for people who get drunk and then start crying at the bar. I have been known to walk away.

30: I often put my foot in my mouth and say the wrong thing.

WHEW, I did it 3 times!!! Holy crap! If you read to the end and don't want to rip your eyes out with a rusty spoon, I commend you! I really don't think any of the blogs I read, haven't done this. So, this is what I'm going to do...if you haven't done this and want to, let me know!

I Want to be a Trailblazer!

Not one of the NBA Trailblazers. Although, now that I think about it...it might be fun to be on their team. Watching Blake toss up his 3 point shot, seeing Alderich shoot a free throw, watching Oden going up for a rebound, watching Pryzbilla block a shot from another team, or watching Roy shoot a winning basket at the buzzer! Ahhh yes and then sitting there while their all breathing heavily and dripping with sweat from running up and down the court *dreamy sigh* Yes, that would be fun times, but since I'm not very good at basketball, I doubt I could be on the team. Maybe in my next life?

I want to be the kind of trailblazer who can help someone with what I've gone through. Eden, wrote a post about it and I realized that I want THAT! I would really love to be a person who someone can look up to, should they ever be in my position. I would love to give them advice and the right answers. Right now, the best I can do is, "take care of yourself" and "don't run away from it. It'll only catch up with you". Who doesn't know that already?! Hell, I knew that before my mom died and I did it anyway!

I know to get to that point where I can maybe, possibly lead others to a state of acceptance, I need to get there myself. Maybe me wanting to be a trailblazer is part of this journey. I won't know until all is said and done. I don't know if I'm any closer then I was a few weeks ago, but I'm feeling the lows and the highs. That's huge for me!

Yesterday was a low. The weather was beautiful, but I just couldn't feel it. I couldn't feel the sun inside me. All I felt was sad and tired. I took a few cat naps on the couch, but I was still so tired. I kept wondering why I was so sad. What happened to make me sad? What shifted to make me go from happy to sad? I was totally over thinking it. I was over analyzing it and still came up with no answer. Finally around 10:30, after waking up from yet another snooze on the couch, I went to bed. I fell sleep right away. Apparently napping all day, makes me more tired? Husband thought it was because I was sleeping TOO much. He said my sleep cycle is off. I still went to bed. I just wanted my comfy bed and SLEEP!

I woke up this morning and felt good. I wasn't tired and I didn't have to fight the urge to stay in bed until the very last possible minute. I got breakfast and coffee and I still felt good. The sun is shinning and I can almost feel it! I got Nae off to school and I wasn't in a rush. I did my exercises this morning and it felt good! So maybe I just needed to give myself the day to feel tired? Maybe I needed to allow myself to be sad just because I felt sad.

I didn't tell anyone what was wrong with me, I just kept saying I was tired. Which was true, but I could have elaborated on my feelings. I just didn't feel like sharing it, though. For some reason, I wanted to keep it to myself. I wanted to hold my sadness around me and snuggle into it like a blanket. So, that's what I did. I didn't fight it, I didn't pretend I wasn't sad. I just was.

Today, I'm glad I gave myself that day to be sad. Right now, I think it was a good idea. Maybe if I continue to allow myself these days, I'll be the trailblazer I so baldy want to be. I can't help heal anyone else, if I don't help myself first.

Frustrated!

When we found out Husband was going to get laid off and lose our insurance, I did the responsible thing and got insurance for my kids. It was state insurance, but they were covered. I didn't care what I had to do, as long as the children would HAVE insurance. It's important, obviously.

Apparently our state decided to get fancy new cards. That's great! So, instead of getting two new insurance cards every month, we'd have just one. Less paper work and less things for me to keep track of. AWESOME! The problem with this is that, nobody knows what type of insurance we have. I don't know if it's an "open" plan or it's a specific plan that only certain doctors will take. I've called every doctor's office in town and NONE of them takes our insurance. I've called an office in a different town and they only take a certain type that I will find on the top of my card. I looked, it wasn't there. So, I'm assuming it's not the kind they take. I called a different office in ANOTHER town and they do take the state plan, ONLY if it's an "open" plan. Which again, I should find on the top of my card. I looked it wasn't there, either. A few calls later to the state office and no calls back, I'm at a loss as to what to do.

I understand that the doctors don't get as much money for their services on the state plan. I know this because I've worked in a doctor's office. The doctor got about 10% of what he would get on a private plan. I understand everyone wants to make money and needs to make a living and pay bills. I honestly get that. BUT what about these children who have insurance but can't go to a specific doctor because nobody takes that plan? What do I do? Do I go to the ER when my child has an ear infection, and cost the state more money? Wouldn't it just be easier to have more doctors take this plan? Wouldn't that save some money? Somewhere? Obviously, I don't work for the state and I'm not an accountant, it just seems like common sense.

Of course, I'll do what I can to keep my children healthy, but why am I having to run through all this damn red tape when I am TRYING to do the right thing? I'm not taking advantage of anyone. I'm not breaking any laws. I'm not working under the table so my benefits don't get taken away. I am using these services as they were intended to be used. We had something happen to us, so we used these services to help us and our kids.

I've seen people take advantage of the system for YEARS. It disgusts me and pisses me off. All I need is just ONE doctor to take our insurance plan so I can get my kids into the doctor for their yearly check up. Am I asking too much? If anyone has any advice for me on this, I would appreciate it immensely! Or an opinion stating I am not one of those people? Of course, only if you really think that. If you think I'm a dead beat...how about you just not say that. I'm frustrated enough as it is....

Does Your Name Still Fit?

A few weeks ago when Mel did her Friday Blog Round-Up, she asked a question about your blog name fitting you. She asked "What would you do if your blog no longer fit--change your title, change your space, stop blogging altogether, keep blogging in the same space and simply change the topic du jour even if all other aspects remain the same?". Kristin answered the question in her post and decided to change her blog name. This got me thinking, yes I've thought about this for about 2 weeks.

I don't think my blog name will ever not fit me. I think I will ALWAYS be a Beautiful Mess. Not because I'm vain and I think I am absolutely beautiful, but I do know that I am a mess. I interpreted this term "beautiful mess" as that I am an emotional wreak, but on the inside. Very rarely, if ever do I show how much of a mess I actually am. There are times when I let my guard down and show a very select few, how much of a mess I am.

I've been a mess since my mom passed away. That moment in my life, the worst moment in my life, was a life changing event for me. I wasn't ready to lose my mom. I wasn't ready to take her place in our family. I thought we still had years left. She was still young, she was only 62 when she passed away. I/we should have had AT LEAST 15-20 more years with her. I understand the choices she made in her life caused her to die earlier then she should have, but that doesn't make the reality any easier to accept. She accepted it, but I am still a bit mad about it.

Her dying had such an effect on my life because this was the first death I've had to deal with that was so up close and personal. My dad's step dad passed away and that was sad. But it didn't effect me as much as my mom dying. When my aunt, uncle and grandmother *all on my mother's side* passed away, I was sad. I was sad for my mom and their family, but not necessarily for myself. They lived in Michigan, so I didn't see them as much. They weren't a part of my every day life. So when my mom died, it was and is really hard to accept. I'm getting there, but I still have my days.

I picked my blog name because I knew it would always fit. I knew , no matter where I am in my life, I'd always be a Beautiful Mess. There are things, like social networking sites, that I have a different persona. Such as Myspace; there I can be fun and flirty. I can post pictures of nights out with the girls. I don't have to be "prim and proper" like I am on Facebook. All my family are friends with me on Facebook, so that's the place where I tone it down a touch. I'm not a completely different person, i just am not as laid back as I am on Myspace.

On Myspace, I can send my friends inappropriate comments, inside jokes, and be as crude as I want to be. Not on Facebook. On Facebook, my family doesn't know that side of me. They know me as their niece, cousin, or the "good girl" they went to high school with. Yes, I've changed a lot since high school, but that doesn't mean I'm interested to let EVERYONE know that. The people on my Myspace friend's list are a select group and it's always been our "thing" to be over the top crude. I didn't intend on doing this, it just kind of happened, as I was getting requests on Facebook for family. As I got more requests, I decided I'd censor myself a bit. I think it's out of respect for my aunts and cousins. I doubt they want to see the pictures from my birthday party with my shirt that said "no gag reflex" on it. They really don't need to see that. And frankly, I don't want them to see it. It might make family gatherings a wee bit uncomfortable.


***I haven't gotten any emails from ANYONE about Paying It Forward! Seriously, this can't end at me! If I scared anyone away with my description of my cooking, I was only kidding. Well, kinda. It is true that I am not the BEST cook ever, but really I've never killed anyone or even made anyone sick with my cooking. If you REALLY want a crafty something, Kimbosue posted a craft that looks REALLY easy. I seriously think I might be able to do it. So please, someone, ANYONE email me and let me know if your interested..please?***

Gettin Caught up...

Two weeks Alicia posted an entry about Paying it forward. I wanted to participate in it. It sounded like a fun thing to do. PLUS you have a whole year to send something to others. This is PERFECT for me. I am such a forgetful person. I use to not be this way, now I am. Anyway, I left her a comment on her blog and now I'm to pass it on. Here are the rules:

2 wonderful readers will be randomly selected from those who leave a comment on this post, to receive a handmade gift from me within the next 365 days!!!! I think I can stick to this goal. The catch..... you must also be willing to do the same (so you have to have some kinda crafty skill you can share with the world, but really everyone has one of these, a homemade batch of cookies, a card, knitting whatever) and you have to have your own blog to be able to spread this pay it forward love. Get it, get it? Good!

I've admitted to the fact that I am NOT a crafty person. I've done ONE scrapbook, that didn't turn out TOO horrible, but I'm pretty sure I can't make a living at it. I've been taught how to crochet a few times, and I've never quite gotten the hang of it. I can't knit, I've never learned. I doubt that if I was taught, I would be very good at it. I've cross stitched before, but once again, it wasn't beautiful. What I can do, is bake. I can bake cookies, pies, cakes, brownies, and such. I have a few fancy cookbooks that have some awesome recipes in them. I can't promise whatever I bake will be the best thing you've ever eaten in your life, but I can promise you that you won't get food poisoning. I even have 2 recipes for doggie treats, so if you have a doggie that wouldn't mind getting a treat, I can toss that in, too. So, if you would like to join in the fun, you can email me and let me know. Make sure you put your address in the email, so I can send you your goodies. My email is on my profile.

OK, now on the the other thing I neglected all week....

Kristin over at Dragondreamer's Lair gave me an award! WOOO!!!



This award made me smile and get all girly and mushy. I'm always the one who's turning something bad into something positive. My friends have wanted to shove my face in the mud many times, with my rainbows and sunshine, but without it, they would all be so gloomy. I always, well try, to look at the silver lining. For me, it's the only way I can make it through the reality of what life throws at us.

Here are the rules for The Lemonade Stand Award:
1. You must link back to the person you received the award from.
2. You have to nominate 10 bloggers who are deserving of this award!

Thank you Kristin for giving me this, I appreciate it and I appreciate you and your thoughtfulness. You're AMAZING!

Now I'm to name 10 bloggers who deserve this award. Just 10?! Sheesh..this might prove to be a bit difficult.
The Muser (AKA Beautiful Mama) over at Musings Musings Musings, Andy over at Today's the day, Suessgirl over at One Day Two day, Jill over at Maybe it's just me, Liv at The Life of Liv, Stephanie at Loving Thee and more, Celia at Breeder Beware, Bec at Crazy Lady Ramblings, Homeywine, because life is life is better with sweetness, and last but NOT least, Dora at ISO the Golden Egg.

WHEW that was tough...hope everyone had a great weekend!

Show and Tell: Pies

When we were living with our best friends, mine taught me how to make pie crusts. She makes them by hand and has her own little tricks. Her pie crusts turn out flaky and delicious every time.

I wanted to make a bunch of pies for our Thanksgiving and Christmas dinners, the year before last. I wanted to make the traditional ones like, cherry, pumpkin, and apple, but I also wanted to try something new. I wanted to try lemon meringue pie. I had never done anything like this before, so it was going to take a few tries.

I made the crusts for all the pies. It took us all day long. Literally, we started after the kids went to school and we weren't done until dinner time. There were so many pies to make. Not only did I tell my MIL that I was going to be bring all the pies, I told my other friend, I'd make their pies too. Apparently, I lost my mind.

After we got all the easy pies done, I started on the lemon meringue pies. It really wasn't that hard. The most difficult part was getting the meringue the right consistency. Oh, and trying not to burn it when I had to brown the top. All the pies turned out delicious and the lemon meringue was a HUGE hit. It is requested now every time we have a family function.

Go over to Mel's site and see what everyone else is bring to show and tell.

Freedom to Marry: Celebrate Love

Today is the last day of Freedom to Marry week. It's been a lot of fun reading what everyone else has blogged about. Go to the OTHER mother's site and read them, you won't be sorry.

I woke up to cards this morning. Not just any cards, but homemade cards! The kids and Husband all made me a card and gave them to me this morning. It was so sweet, and the kids were so proud of themselves.

I enjoyed Valentines day a lot more when I was a kid. I loved getting valentines and passing them out at school. As I got older, it kind of lost it's magic. I think it's a bit over done by the card making people. It's nice, I guess, to remind some people out there to tell or show their loved one how much they love them, but why just the one day? Why not every day?

I'm not the type of girl who needs something expensive, especially on Valentines day. The homemade cards are PERFECT. I'd much rather my husband do something like this, then go out and spend a bunch of money on a diamond. Although, chocolate is a must ;o)

I've had a lot of fun with this series. I'm glad Andy posted it and encouraged others to do it.

I hope everyone has a great day and not just because it's Valentines day, but because it's a Saturday. Who doesn't want to have a GREAT Saturday?!

Freedom to Marry: Something Blue

Today is day 4 of "Freedom to Marry week". It's so much fun to do this and read all the other bloggers doing this. I'm really enjoying it.

The color blue has been a constant in my life. I've always enjoyed the color. When we got our first place together, the kitchen HAD to be blue. The dishes had to have blue in them. The decor was cobalt blue. I had baskets that matched my canisters, that matched my dishes, that matched the little odds and ends that were in my kitchen. To say I was obsessed with blue would be an understatement.

When we got pregnant with Nae, we registered for her swing, high chair, and stroller/car seat combo in blue. We knew we were having a girl, but at the time, I didn't want EVERYTHING to be pink. My mom and MIL were very upset about all the blue, but they went with it. There were a few comments here and there, but on the whole they were willing to accept that Nae wasn't going to be decked out in pink.

Then, we got pregnant with Zilla. Even though we did most of everything at the last minute, there were a few items bought for him. And of course, those items were blue. After we brought him home from the hospital, we painted his room..blue. The lovie my MIL made him, is blue. His crib bedding was blue. He had a lot of clothes that were blue. His bedding is blue now, too.

I don't know why blue seems to be a reoccurring color in our lives, but it is and nobody has complained...yet. Our kitchen is still mainly blue, but I'm not AS obsessed with it anymore. Now, I'm just trying to get it clean and STAY clean. That is something I'm still working on.

Freedom to Marry: Something Borrowed

YAY, day 3 for celebrating Freedom to Marry week. There are many more posts, you're missing out of you don't check them out on The OTHER mother's blog.

I've been thinking about this one all week. I kept thinking "what do I borrow from Husband?" "What can I write about?" I got stuck..and then I realized..my ring!

It isn't something I borrowed from him. It's something he "borrowed" from my mom. It isn't the fanciest of rings, but I love it.

When my grandmother passed away, my mom got some of her jewelry. Most of the jewelry is costume jewelry, but it isn't about the value of the ring, it's how much it means to my family. My mom got this ring and gave it to Husband to give it to me for Christmas one year.

The reason why it's borrowed is because I hope to pass it down to my daughter one day. Hopefully, I will be alive to see it on her finger and it won't be a memory for my daughter. It will mean something to her. She will remember it being on my finger as she looks down and sees it on her finger.

Freedom to Marry: Something New

Today is my second entry during Freedom to Marry week. There are more bloggers doing this and you should check them out.

Since, Husband and I rarely get gifts for each other, I'll tell you what he has been doing for me lately.

When he was working, I wold do all the household/children duties. We made this "deal" when we were pregnant with Nae. Whoever was not working outside the home, does the house "stuff". It's worked out for us. He always did contribute with bathing, diapering, feeding, and picking up children from daycare or school. But the majority of it fell onto my shoulders. I got use to doing it all, and it just became habit, of sorts. I just assume things wouldn't change when he got laid off. I didn't really think about it, I just kind of went with the flow.

I was asked by some friends if I wanted to gout Friday night. I declined because Zilla was sick and I didn't see the need to go out, when he was sick. I didn't talk to Husband about it, I just told my friends I would rather stay home. I wasn't disappointed or anything. Children get sick, nothing we can do about it. If I thought about it in more detail, I would have realized that Husband is MORE then capable of taking care of a 5 year old with a cold.

After Zilla went to be, Husband asked why I didn't go out with everyone. I told him my reasons and he told me there was no need for me to do everything now that he isn't working. It dawned on me, that he was right. He is home now and I don't have to worry about the time he has to get up in the mornings, or if he has to work a weekend or not. I have a freedom to go out on any night of the week, if I so choose.

After that conversation, I've been asking for his help more. Granted, this was like 3 days ago, but that's a big step for me. I don't ask for help very often. I realize, now that he is able to take on more of the responsibilities that he wasn't able to due to his work schedule.

Every time we get through something major or minor, such as this, it makes me realize what type of relationship we have. it's very open, honest, dirty, pretty, but most of all..it works for us.

Freedom to Marry: Something Old

This week is Freedom to Marry week. Andy posted an entry about it, asking others to join her and The Other Mother to blog about the "olde" wedding traditions.

Here's what to do:

Each day next week, post to your blog or facebook page something on these topics, according to the "olde" wedding tradition:

Tuesday, Feb. 10... Something Old
Wednesday, Feb. 11... Something New
Thursday, Feb. 12... Something Borrowed
Friday, Feb. 13... Something Blue
Saturday, Feb. 14... Valentine's Day: Celebrate Love

You can post a photo, a memory, a poem, some music, or a combination.

We don't have many pictures of Husband and I together because our hard drive took a crap and all of our pictures are now on a thumb drive and various DVD's through out the house. So, I'll tell you how we met.

I was working at Fred Meyer counting bottles. It was my first job and I sucked horribly at it. He was working there as well and said the first time he saw me he did a double take. Apparently he had a girlfriend at the time, but there were on the outs. When they broke-up, he asked me out. I was so nervous to go, I didn't know what to wear or what to say. I hadn't been on many dates.

We went on our date and had a great time. He took me to see a scary movie. His thinking was that I'd get closer to him. He was right. I was almost in his lap during the whole movie. After the movie we went and had some coffee at Shari's. We talked and had a great time.

Our next date didn't go as smoothly as the date before. We went out to get something to eat, really casual. I wasn't feeling too well, but I did my best to hide it. I completely failed at this! As we were getting into his car, I was feeling a little light headed. By the time we got to my house, I had passed out. He took me out of his car and carried me into my house. My parents FREAKED out! Here was a boy they barley knew carrying their daughter into the house and she was barley conscious. My dad shot up and ran to the door with a look of murder in his eyes. That was Husband's account of the events, I don't remember much since I was in and out of consciousness. He told my parents he didn't drug me , nor were we drinking, and that I had just **passed out.

My parents were a bit un-trusting of him for along time. They eventually came around and here we are, almost 16 years later. It's been a bumpy road, but I wouldn't trade any of the bumps for anything.

**I wasn't eating because I was young and dumb and thought the best way to lose weight was not to eat. I hid this from my parents for a long time, this was the beginning of the whole anorexia BS we went through.

100th post, WOW!

100 posts. 100 times I've clicked "publish post". A few of those were pretty scary. I almost didn't click that button. A lot of those posts were having to face a reality I didn't want to face. A reality I thought I already had faced. I had a blog on Yahoo that I dealt with a lot of what I was feeling during the time my mom was diagnosed with cancer and then died. When I switched from there to here, I didn't really intend on rehashing the whole "my mom is dead" issue. It is a fact of my life, but I really thought I was over it. Now, I realize I will never be "over it". Now, I realize I am closer to acceptance then I was. I guess I should feel good about that, but I don't.

Accepting the fact that my mom is dead, makes it real. It makes it so that I can't fool myself into thinking otherwise. I can't just run away from these feelings. I can't hide them. It's been easier since I've opened that steel door and allowed those feelings to come over me. I knew it was good for me, but it took me a long time to open that door. Now that the door is open, I'm healing. It's a slow process and sometimes I get scared and want to shut that door again. For instance, I went on a runt he other day. I wasn't feeling stressed out, or cooped up, I just wanted to run. I was listening to my music and then I started crying. I have no idea why I was crying. I wasn't listening to a sappy song and I wasn't thinking about anything in particular. I had to sit down and catch my breath. I was hyperventilating, I could barley walk to the bench that was a few feet away. I took a few deep breaths and knew I was going to lose this battle of keeping these heart breaking sobs at bay. So, I just sat and let them come. Thankfully, I was alone and nobody had to witness me crying into my hands on a bench. Once I was done, I just got up and continued on my run. A bit slower and a bit more careful, but I kept going.

I came home very confused. I didn't' understand where this cry came from. I didn't understand why this cry had to come out. As I was cooking dinner, I thought more about it. I thought maybe it wasn't a heart breaking cry. Maybe it was a heart healing cry. Maybe this cry had been in there for awhile, but I wouldn't allow it to come out. Maybe, just maybe, my heart needed to get rid of that last bit of the painful, almost 3 years, of hiding in order for me to heal. I don't know exactly what type of cry it was, but I'm looking forward to the future and the healing.

The future can be a very scary place for me. The future I see, sometimes, is sitting in church at my dad's funeral, alone. Not that I won't have anyone round me, but I won't have my parents there. I don't live that fear everyday, but it is a thought that likes to run through my head every now and then. But the future doesn't have to be all gloom and doom and full of dead parents. It can be full of laughter and happiness. There are many days of laughter ahead of me and the people I share my life with. I will do my best to enjoy those days to the fullest and try not to think about the "whens".

Thank you to those of you who have read and commented and allowed me to push through this fog of sadness. I've been in and out of this black hole many times, but when I come out, it's because I know there are others rooting for me. There are others who care and they show it in emails and comments. Thank you doesn't seem enough, but trust me, I do thank you.

Show and Tell: Past, Present, and Future

PAST: It all started in the 70's. My mom and dad met, dated and got married. The picture of them was taken on their wedding day, June 14, 1975. I remember looking at those pictures when I got old enough to do the math and would point to her stomach and say "there I am". She didn't like that much. She was about 3 months pregnant with me when they got married. The both look so beautiful and happy in this picture. I love looking at them. I love the typical 70's style my dad's got going on with his hair and 'stash. There was never any doubt in my mind that my parents loved each other. I know my dad misses my mom terribly, but he is going on as best he can. He still wears his wedding ring and has my mom's wedding ring on a chain around his neck. Their love is still so true and deep, even though he is living the rest of his life without her.

PRESENT: I was a junior in high school when I met my husband. He was going into the navy and we didn't really want to start anything to serious. It didn't work. We dated for a month and then he left to spend two years in the navy. It was a short duration in the military, but it was long enough for us. There were months of not seeing each other, week of not talking to each other, but lots of letters and lots of tears. I, honestly, don't think we would have gotten to know each other as well, if he hadn't joined the navy. Although, I hated those 2 years, I am very thankful we were put into that situation. He has given me the strength to go on when I didn't think I could. He has always been the one to talk me off the ledge and tell me I can and will do "this". Whatever "this" is. I will always remember the day we went to the funeral home to talk about what our plans were, after my mom died. There were papers to read and sign. The funeral director was very kind and understand, but of course, the papers needed to be read and signed. I couldn't read them, I could barley think. My little sister could read them, neither could my older sister. My dad couldn't see well enough to read them, so that left my husband. He took the papers and read every word, out loud, to us. I know it wasn't easy for him because ALL of us were sobbing. When he got to the difficult part about my mom's remains and what our choice was, he stumbled a bit. I know he didn't want to have to read that, but it had to be done. And he did it. He read those words for my family. He did a wonderful thing for us. He was and is my rock. We've had our rough spots, but there has never been a time in our relationship where I questioned our love for each other.

FUTURE: I don't know what the future holds for us, nobody knows. I do know, no matter what happens, we will be OK. There will be ups and there will be downs. I hope that I can be strong enough for my husband during the downs. I hope I can be strong enough for my family during the downs. I hope I can be strong enough for MYSELF for the downs. Most importantly, I hope we can all rejoice in the ups. I hope the downs don't overshadow any of the ups. I'm going to do my best to live in the moment and rejoice the ups.

Go and check out Mel's blog and see what everyone else is bringing to class. So many interesting stories.

It is What it is

When I was 11 or 12, both my parents lost their jobs, one right after the other. They had just bought a house about a year before. My younger sister and I were both going to private school. They made the choice to keep us in private school, expensive private school, and sold the house. We had family in the same town we lived in and we moved in with them. I don't remember much about that time. I don't remember us struggling, or feeling like my life was turned upside down. Our parents did their best to keep us children out of the "adult stuff". What I do remember about that time is an Easter Sunday when my uncle did something to me he shouldn't have.

My parents were always talking to us about people being inappropriate. We had always had open discussions about this topic. So, when it happened to me, I knew what he was doing was wrong and that I had to tell my parents. Which is exactly what I did. I don't remember feeling like it was my fault, or that I did something to cause this. I just knew that I needed to tell my parents.

I can't imagine what was going through their heads when I told them. The family we were staying with was my dad's sister. Her husband is the one who did this horrible thing to a child, THEIR child. I honestly, don't remember the discussion. Whether I blocked it, suppressed it or what. All I know is that we moved out the very next day.

My parents chose not to talk to the police. They're thinking was that it would be more harmful/traumatic for me if they did. I don't blame my parents for the choice they made. I can't imagine the choice being an easy one to make. I can't say I would make the same decision or not, if I was in their place. I believe, it's a choice one has to make if they find themselves in that situation. I just hope that I am never faced with the choice they had to make.

My dad did go up to his BIL with a few choice words. My dad is a gentle man, has a huge heart. I've heard his cuss MAYBE 5 times in my whole life. He always has a kind word for someone and never holds a grudge. He kills em with kindness. So, when I heard (years later) that he told my aunt's husband "stay the fuck away from my daughter". I was shocked.

This has effected my life in ways, only someone who has been through something similar, can imagine. It's effected my sex life, it's effected the way I raise my children, it's even effected my marriage. It's caused me to be an over protective parent, it's caused me to be a more sexual person, but mostly it's caused me to be scared for my kids of something similar happening to them. For years, I lived with this as being tainted. Certain things would freak me the fuck out and cause me to hyperventilate. Going to the OB would cause me to panic. Only female doctors and NO male nurses. I would always have a nurse in the room when getting an exam. My poor husband always had to be in the room, as well. He'd have to hold my hand while I would freeze on the table. We would have to tell the doctor before hand what I went through and I would most likely be freaking out during and after the exam. It got really bad when I was pregnant with Nae. I regressed by years when I was pregnant. I had to give up a little control when I had her because the only doctor that was on call was a male. Now, that I think back, I think that was the beginning of my taking control over this.

For years, I would do everything possible to not run into my aunt's husband. I wouldn't go to family functions when he was there, I wouldn't step foot into their house. NEVER. Even after I had Nae. It got really difficult after that, it got harder to stay away. One year we were at a house warming party for a family member and I thought he wasn't going to be there, so we went. Husband didn't want to go, so I went with my parents. Nae was about 5 or 6 months old. After a bit, HE showed up. I didn't know what to do. I knew Nae was safe. There was no way I was going to leave her alone. But was I going to be OK? Was I going to be able to be in the same house as he was in? Then something happened. I had just got finished changing Nae's diaper and got up to throw it in the garbage. A family member was holding her. I go into the kitchen, literally 10 feet away. I hear her cry a strange cry, I run back to her and HE is holding her. I walk up to him, take her away and look him in the eye and tell him "you keep your FUCKING hands off my daughter. Don't you EVER touch her again". And I walked away. We left right after that. That was step 2 in my getting myself back from him and his evil deed.

A few years later, we had family in town from California. I hadn't seen my cousin in a long time. She had just got married and was on her honeymoon. I really wanted to go and see her and meet her new husband, but they were staying at my aunt's house. My aunt who is married to the "man" who did this horrible thing to me. I knew my parents were going to be there, so if I did go, I'd have my safe net there. I was at work and didn't have Nae that day, so I could go if I wanted to. But did I want to go? I sat in my car at the light. I could go left and go home, or I could go right and see my cousin. I went right. I was not going to let HIM dictate my life anymore. I wasn't going to not see my cousin and her new husband because this bastard was there. He was not going to take anymore from me then he already had. I was taking my life back and there is not a damn thing he could do about it.

Once I made this decision, I felt totally fine. I was calm, I was not freaking out, it was the right choice to make. I park my car, take a deep breath and walk up the driveway. I walking into the house, look right at him and said "hi Frank". I gave him a look that said "I'm not scared of you anymore. I know what you did to me and you can fuck off." It was a very empowering feeling for me. From then on, I've been totally at peace with the whole thing. It's still a part of me, but it doesn't cause me as much pain anymore.

The problem now lies in family functions. There are a lot of family functions we have missed because I will NOT bring my children to their house. I don't care if the chances of "something happening" are little to none, I'm not putting my children in that situation. It was bad enough that after my mom's funeral, we all went to my aunt's house. And my daughter had to step foot into that house. I won't do that again. I'm sure upon hearing the choice we made that day, people will judge me. Those people can judge all they want. It's a choice my husband and I made. I'm not defending my actions or choices to anyone. Nobody has ever said anything of that day. Most likely my daughter being in that house was the least any one's concerns. It was my mom's funeral and all.

I've gotten comments from others that it would be OK if we went to a family function with the children. "Nothing will happen". Ummm they don't know that. Nobody can predict whats going to happen. Nobody can tell me not to worry.

This is all being brought up because in March, my aunt and cousins are coming into town for a few days. I haven't seen anyone since my mom's funeral. It would be nice to see them when a family member hasn't died. It would be nice to sit and talk with everyone and not be numb from grief and shock. I don't know where they are staying. I don't know if they are staying with my aunt and the asshole or if they are staying with my other aunt and uncle. It just pisses me off that my children don't get to see their cousins because of this "man". It really makes me mad. I don't feel guilty that my kids don't know their cousins, I'm just pissed off. I know there is nothing I can do. I know I am doing the right thing by keeping my children safe by not bringing them around this person. I don't regret the choice I have to make. It just really pisses me off that I HAVE to make this choice. Just because some douche bag couldn't keep his hands off an 11 year old girl. It is what it is and there's nothing I can do about it.

25 dirty things I've learned

I've seen a few meme's out there that I've wanted to do. One was airing your dirty laundry anonymously. Cassandra held a contest while doing it. Cassandra got it from Jamie. Jamie did not hold a contest, but both of them were a lot of fun to read. Also Cecily, wrote a post about 25 things she's learned in the last 24 hours. I haven't learned much, in the last 24 hours, but I think if I combine the two, I could come up with a decent blog entry.

1. I've learned that no matter HOW many times I ask my 5 year old to put up the toilet seat, he will forget. And every time I catch him forgetting, all I see is his cute little tushy and him looking up at me saying "Oh sorry mommy, I forgot" and dammit, I can't get mad at him for it!

2. To those whom I cook meals for: you don't get to turn your nose up at my food. Nor do you get to complain that I only make "good food" when you're at work. If you don't like a meal, kindly tell me so. If you'd like me to make something for dinner on a certain night, let me know. I will try to accommodate, but if not...live with it! You're being fed, you shouldn't bitch about it.

3. I've learned that the hole in my heart, left by my mom's passing won't ever go away. There will always be reminders that hurt and in time, those reminders will be less painful, but there will always be a little hole there.

4. Please understand that my position as mother and a house wife are important to me. If you invite me to go out for drinks and my answer is; "sure, I just have to put the children to be first" do NOT give me shit for that. It is my JOB to put them to bed. Sure, their father can do it, but I enjoy doing it. It's our "thing". You may not understand it, but try to accept it. It's been that way since we have become friends, and I don't see it changing anytime soon.

5. I have learned that the cliche "I only turned my back for a second" is a cliche for a reason. It may seem like a poor excuse, but it is the truth. I did, in fact, only turn my back for a second. That day will live in my memory forever and no matter that the outcome was not a nightmare, those 10 minutes or so were. I think about it almost every day of my life and thank God that it ended the way it did.

6. I'm not the only who can empty the dishwasher. It's true! You can do it, too! It isn't gonna kill ya, PROMISE!

7. I've learned that asking for help is very hard for me, but worth it when I can get the words out.

8. Please, for the love of Goddess. Make up your mind! Are you going to stay with him or not? I'll support your decision, just make one already.

9. I've learned that drugs and sex are a topic for discussion in our house often. It really never is too early to talk to the children about it.

10. You ask my kid to "smoke" tea again, and I will have a little chat with you. I don't care if you have a "bad" home life. You do NOT get to come into my house and pretend it's OK to do what you did.

11. I've learned that no matter how badly I want too, I can't make the pre teen girls in my life OK with their bodies. That's something they need to work out on their own. That sucks!

12. When you are in my home, do NOT use racial slurs. My skin may be as white as yours, but have you seen my father and sister?! Plus, it only makes you look ignorant, not funny.

13. I've learned that no matter how sad and heartbroken I am, there is always a pair of arms just waiting for me to run into them.

14. I work out because I'm trying to be a healthier me, don't roll your eyes at me.

15. I've learned that Zilla is a COMPLETELY different child at school then he is at home. I also, wish he was more like "school Zilla" at home.

16. You come up to me, with that look of pity in your eyes ONE MORE TIME and I won't be accountable for my actions.

17. I've learned that there is a huge difference between aquantiences and friends. I wish more people would get this.

18. Take a shower, you stink!

19. I've learned that some people aren't meant to lean on. They only want you to fix their problems.

20. You're a bad liar and can't keep a secret to save your life. That is why I don't tell you anything.

21. I've learned that middle school is just as bad as my friend told me it was. Thankfully, I listened to her and didn't think "oh not my kid".

22. She left you because your a pussy. Grow a pair and stand up for yourself.

23. I've learned that grief is a bitch, but no matter how much I run from it, that bitch will find me eventually.

24. No, I'm not over it. Accept it.

25. I've learned that using a blog name while saying a prayer, is just the same as using the person's real name. The prayer/thought will get to where it needs to be.

Show and Tell: My Obsession

Not only am I addicted to music, specifically, Jason Mraz *dreamy sigh*, but also Coach. Not just the purses, either. I've always have an obsession with purses. The funkier, the better. I'll buy a purse just because I might have something that goes with it. Or because it is just so damn cute, I can't pass it up. It doesn't have to be Coach, but that is my favorite brand of purses.

I can't go to the mall and not walk in the Coach store. I love the smell, the colors, ALL of it! My first Coach purse was the brown wristlet. My BFF got it for my for my 30th birthday. She said I was getting a cheap Christmas present because of it. We couldn't wait until my birthday party, so at midnight, I tore into the box containing the beautiful purse. I love it!

After that, there was no stopping me! I got my second one a few months later. My husband and i were at the mall and we were walking right past the Coach store. I was trying to be a good girl and not go in. He convinced me to go in and bought me a purse. The great part about the whole thing, was it was HIS birthday. He said he wanted to do something nice for me, since I'm always doing nice things for everyone. I tried to protest, I really did. I didn't want him to spend his birthday money on me, but he's just as stubborn as I am. So, we picked out the purse below. It's small, but all my junk fits in it. I was a bit apprehensive about it being mainly white, but it cleans up really well. SCORE!!!
The third purse I got was a gift from my friends when I was really sick in July. One of my very dear friends and his wife were at the outlet malls at the coast and saw this purse and bought it for me. I had no idea they were doing it, otherwise, I would have protested. I doubt I would have won the battle, but I would have tried. He came over one evening and handed me a Coach box. I thought it was a joke. I figured he had gotten a box and put a t-shirt in it or something. I was so wrong. I opened it up and sitting on a bed of white tissue paper was the cute purse below. I was still pretty worn out from being sick, so my reaction was subdued. But him and his wife know how excited I was to receive their gift.


My latest Coach item is the umbrella pictured above. My BFF and her boyfriend bought it for me as a going away present, when SHE moved to Washington! She was really sick the week before she left and I played nurse. I also helped him pick out a ring from Tiffany he wanted to get for her but couldn't find it. It took hours of Internet search and talking on the phone with a gal from Tiffany's, but I found it! So, as a thank you for my hard work and being a caring friend, they got me an umbrella. It's rains here like 9 out of the 12 months of the year, so that umbrella was a great gift. I use it all the time. I love it! Plus it's PINK!!!! I did find a pair of rain boots that match it, and as much as I wanted them, I thought it might be just a tad bit obnoxious to wear them and use my umbrella. I might change my mind if I find them for under $100.

There have been a few purchases of Coach items in between these, but they have been "smaller" purchases. Such as, lanyards, key chains and a little change wallet. I've done a pretty good job, not buying anything from Coach in a long time. I'm thinking it's time to go shopping....

Go and check out what everyone else brought to class, you won't be sorry!