HELP!

I seriously need some advice here. Even just your thoughts anything, just give me SOMETHING!

Nae is finally the teenager I have dreaded having. She stayed the night at her friend's house last night and they decided to sneak out of the house. They got caught by the cops and had to call us to get her at 2:00 in the morning! Thankfully we didn't have to go get her at the police station but at the school they were at, but STILL! She's grounded from her phone, her computer, her iPod, and her friends for awhile, not sure exactly how long, a month maybe? We just don't know! We've never had to do this before with her, she's always been a great kid. We want to make an impact on her that this shit isn't going to fly, but also we don't want to punish her TOO much. Not sure if there's such a thing as "too much" at the moment, but I just don't know what's the appropriate punishment. My thought was she would get her phone when she went back to school on Monday, but Dirty thinks if she gets grounded from it, that's it. I didn't agree with him until I read her facebook messages. Her and her friend were sneaking out to go see a boy. Apparently he left his door unlocked so they could get in? That's what I'm getting from the messages, I could be wrong, but I doubt it. As if that's not bad enough, she sent that message this morning from her iPod when she was grounded! She doesn't know I read her messages, neither does Dirty. I just read them. When I asked her why they were sneaking out, her answer was "we wanted to know what it was like to sneak out". That's a bullshit answer, I knew that even before I read her messages. Now I have confirmation of it, so I just don't know what to do with this information.

Any thoughts, advice, anything would be appreciated. I'm at a loss as what to do here. I know she's a good kid and teenagers do stupid stuff, but I don't want this to become a normal thing nor do I want to lose her.

Who's The Real You?

I was asked this question by someone on Twitter a few weeks ago. My answer always was "I'm many things. Although you won't know the real me on Twitter." For me, Twitter is my place to be fun, silly, talk obscenely, drink wine on Friday nights at #wineparty, be inappropriate, sexual, emotional, supportive, flirty..all sorts of things. Its my place to bitch about my sister and her dogs coming for Thanksgiving, it's my place to say whatever the hell I want. My blog is for that as well, but this blog is more the emotional, softer side of me. The place where I'm more vulnerable, where I let my guard down and actually show others that I am not a cold hearted bitch, that I do have feelings and they do get hurt and I do in fact cry. Not many people know that I cry, even less have actually SEEN me cry. Not that "this is such a happy moment" cry, but the "ugly cry" where your face gets all contorted into odd shapes you could never recreate unless you were in the "ugly cry" state. I've thought about changing up my blog because it is SO damn depressing but I can't. I don't want to not write about something because it's depressing and just be happy all the time because I do enough of that in real life, I need to let it out somewhere. That somewhere is here. Obviously everything I write isn't going to be depressing, but if so? There's nothing wrong with that!

As far as knowing who I am, I still don't know. I know that I'm a wife, I'm a mother, I'm a daughter, a sister, a student, a friend, and a bunch of other things but who do I see myself as? That's what I don't have the answer too. I do know that I am stressed to the maximum and am SO overwhelmed! I have SO much on my plate that I feel like I'm drowning and I don't know what to tackle first. I am the only source of income and when we are broke, I feel responsible. I do the laundry, so when someone doesn't have something, I feel responsible. Same thing goes for the cleaning of the house, dinners, and everything else. I am responsible for WAY too much and I am beginning to not care about anything. I was in such a funk Tuesday, on the brink of tears all day long because I was feeling the "I don't give a fuck" feeling. This feeling is synonymous with my dark hole of depression. I don't want to go back there, even just the thought of being there makes me have a bit of a panic attack. I ended up talking to Dirty about it, thanks to Danielle who made me promise to talk to him, and he helped me a lot. We came to the conclusion that I am so scared of being depressed that I sort of make myself depressed. Its a vicious cycle and I'm not sure how to stop it. I need to balance these emotions and tasks and am unsure how to do that. I do know that asking for help is HUGE, as is reaching out and while I'm not perfect at it, I'm doing better. There are just some things I have no control over and continuing stressing about those things, isn't doing me favors. On the other hand there are things that I do have control over and that's where asking for help comes in. I'll feel better if I let go a little bit. I'm tying. That's the best I can do.

Another thing that has me going is the situation with my older sister. After I wrote my letter, my dad got her address and said I could send it to her. He suggested I leave out the part about her dad and I agreed. It was a low blow and it was just mean. I didn't need to physically send it to her because she tried to add me to Facebook. That is a little to close and I do NOT want her access to pictures of my kids or my life. She made the choice to love her drugs instead of her family despite us trying to help her. That was her choice, not mine. So I ended up sending her my letter via Facebook and it wasn't well received. Not that I expected anything less, I just didn't expect the shit storm it caused. She didn't reply to me personally, but she sent it to our other siblings and my dad. One of my other sisters sent me a reply basically telling me that I am a spoiled judgmental brat who lives in a  fantasy world. It was not nice at all and frankly, took me by surprise. I didn't expect anyone to remember the events the way I remembered them, but I thought maybe they'd see some of it my way? I don't know exactly what I expected but it was as hell wasn't what I got. The sister I sent the letter to did not reply to me, but she replied to my dad, which really pissed me off. I wrote the letter, if she had something to say about it, and she did, she should have sent it to me. According to her, Dirty is a lazy, controlling piece of shit who wouldn't watch his own kids so I could see my mom when she was sick. She also said that my kids are her niece and nephew and when they get older she will have a relationship with them if they want it. They won't, I've raised them better then that.

She is also confused as to why all of this is coming out now. She blames me for her son hating her and is not taking ANY responsible for anything. I knew she wasn't going to take any responsibility for anything, but I wasn't aware I was to blame for her son hating her. The best part of this whole thing? Is when she said "if and when I decide to get clean, that will be my business". She just admitted to still being on drugs! Knowing that, does she really think I want to have any sort of relationship with her? Or have my kids anywhere near her? I don't know what it's like to be addicted to drugs, so I can't relate but she HAS to know that I will not let her around my teenager! I just wish I could shake the shit out of her and allow her to see what she is doing to this family, even living a state away. She is STILL effecting our lives and I just want her to go away! I had hoped for some sort of closure after sending the letter but it's only frustrated me more. She'll never get it and I need to realize that and let it go.

In better news, my birthday is tomorrow and I plan on have a great day! I will not be grumpy, stressed, and will be happy! I will also let my family spoil me with adoration because dammit I deserve it!

She Would've Been 68 Today

Its been almost 5 years, still can't believe it! Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday and then again sometimes it feels like it was so long ago. So many events have been celebrated without her, how can we celebrate without her? How is it possible that I'm still breathing and living? How did I move into my house without her helping me with my kitchen, without her making spaghetti? I can't believe I did it.

This morning I woke up feeling ok, I knew what day it was but I was determined to make it a good day. Then Facebook happened and my sister and my dad posted a video and my friend sent me a message saying she remembered and was here for me. After that, everything kind of turned into a blur and the whole breathing thing became difficult. I really did NOT want this to happen today, clearly I have no choice, but still! I just wanted to have a happy day while remembering her and eat cake. So when I reminded Dirty what day it was, he suggested I stay home and just have a day to myself. I protested a bit because I feel like I should be productive one of these years on her birth and death day, but this year isn't going to be it. Maybe next year, or maybe not. We'll see.

So far this morning, I've cried a few times, made a cake, got SO much support from everyone and listened to her song and cried some more. I just want the pain to lessen a little bit more. In time I suppose.

Happy birthday mom, I'll raise my glass to you tonight, sing you happy birthday, and eat some cake all the while thinking about what a great mom you were and are. Thank you for the 30 years you gave me. They were perfect in every way, just like you.
Love and miss you!

Dear Sister

My dad won't let me call her, he thinks it won't do any good. So instead I'll write her a letter here and vent to my dad and Dirty about how I feel, despite them knowing and feeling pretty much the same way.

Dear Sister,
As much as I don't look at you as a sister anymore and don't think that word fits you, calling you a "meth whore" right from the beginning will not only stop you from reading this letter. And I NEED you to read this letter.

When I was little, I thought you and the rest of my older siblings, were SO cool. Y'all got to go to the park by yourselves and went to a big school. Y'all didn't have to have mom and dad take you everywhere. Soon, however I realized how not cool you all were. Tim was old enough to have a job, but never worked. Lori was old enough to work and of course didn't, either. You were suppose to go to school, but you were always skipping. You three were always downstairs doing your thing, while Lil Sis and I were upstairs playing Barbies or listening to music. When MY dad would go on his business trips, he would always bring you guys something back too. But that was never good enough for you. You were bound and determined to make him feel bad when he got home for whatever reason. While you never harmed Lil Sis or myself, it was very clear you didn't like us. The good thing is we were too young to realize it and still looked up to you three.

As I got older, I could see what type of person you were. Not just you, the others as well. I know Tim stole MY dad's camera, I know he also stole my necklace that Dirty gave me when he was in the Navy. I've also heard that you and Lori treated MY dad like shit. Which, btw, I will NEVER understand because he is the most gentle man in the world. He came into your life when you were 5, basically rescued you and our mom from an abusive man, yet you treated him like shit almost every day. It was and is not his fault your dad was a douche bag. It is also not my fault that we have different fathers and mine is a better man then yours could ever be.

Anyway when you had your son, we really had a connection. We spent that whole summer before together, it was so fun! We planned, shopped, and laughed so much. Then the newness of having a baby wore off and the reality set in. You got a job, so you said, and were gone more then you were home. Mom, dad, Lil sis, and I raised him while you were working. Granted I don't know what it's like to be a single mother and I could be wrong here, but I doubt it. I don't think you were working, I think you were out with your friends while all of us tended to your baby. Then you changed because you met Scott. You two got married and had a great life, on the outside. On the inside there was a lot of drinking, drugs, and infidelity. It wasn't ALL your fault, I'll give you that but it wasn't all his fault either. Once you left him, everything went to hell. You went off your God damn rocker! You left your son with Dirty and I for 2 days, we had NO idea where the fuck you were, nor did we have his asthma medication. Thank God you have an amazing family, if not, I don't even WANT to think what would have happened to that sweet innocent blue eyed little boy. You did have great timing and picked great people to leave him with. Dirty and I didn't have children yet and mom and dad were able to watch YOUR son, so between the 4 of us, we did a damn good job.

When I got pregnant with Nae you were very judgmental and condescending, you couldn't BELIEVE I was pregnant so young. When I told you the first words out of your mouth were "is this a joke?!" Really? I wasn't really THAT young and I had been with Dirty for about 3 years at the time. Anyway, that's not really a big deal, compared to everything else you've done. The conversations Dirty and I had about parenting because of you are what made us the parents we are today. I guess I should thank you for that, but I won't because I shouldn't have to learn how NOT to be a parent from my own sister.

What has pissed me off the most is when I had to tell Nae that she wasn't allowed to spend time with you anymore because of your drug use. You had borrowed mom and dad's car and didn't bring it back when you were suppose too. Mom and dad got pissed off, rightly so, and you all got into it at Nae's 3rd birthday party. Mom and dad took it downstairs so as not to upset Nae but the damage had already been done. From that point on, Dirty and I decided you weren't going to be spending ANY time with Nae. The conversation we had to have with YOUR niece was horrible. 10 years later, I can't still remember her words and the look on her face. She was devastated that she couldn't spend time with her "Tante Tricia" anymore. After that conversation Dirty and I had with her, we vowed to keep you and your shit far, far away from her and any future children we might have.

After we had Zilla, we allowed you to come over to see him because you had gotten your shit together, for the moment. Then mom got sick and we all rallied together as a family to help dad and make sure dad could get to the hospital or the nursing home to see her. When that became just TOO much for you to do, you thought stealing their car would be a good idea. Classy move. But my favorite? Was when you basically stole from my dad while our mother was in the hospital dying of cancer. Yep, that was pretty low of you. It was then and there I realized, or rather, it became more obvious that you will never change. So when we had to make the decision to take mom off life support, you were bawling and freaking out, I, your LITTLE sister by 7 years stood up and took charge. I did everything from telling the nurse our decision to buying the urn. I didn't do it for you, I did it for MY dad. I did it because it's what needed to be done and I am OK with it. I don't want you to say thank you, nor do I want a pat on the back for doing what family does for one another. I just want you to know how every one of your fucked up decisions have effected every one's life as well.

Going through mom's jewelry was hard enough, but you telling me most of it was "costume jewelry"? That was IT! We kind of got into it that night, but I still held my tongue because we were in my dad's house holding and looking at his DEAD wife's jewelry. Going off on you would have only made things worse for him, even though you totally fucking deserved.

I could go on and on for pages upon pages but rehashing all of your fuck ups won't make them any better. It won't serve any other purpose other then making you feel bad, which is a bonus, but it won't last for long. I know you too well. So let me say it simply so you don't get confused.

I don't want you in my life. I don't even CARE if you get clean and want to make amends, I will not accept it. Yes I know family is suppose to be there for each other all the time, well I'm breaking that rule. I don't want your poison anywhere near me or my children. Yes, MY children, not your "babies". You don't even KNOW Zilla and haven't seen either of them in YEARS. Even if I were to leave out my children and my husband, there would still be my dad. I don't want you anywhere near him, either. But mostly this is for me. If I never speak or see you again, I will be just fine with that. Harsh? Probably so. Mean? Oh I am sure of it. But ask me if I care? The answer is no. You have hurt me, Lil Sis, mom, my dad, and everyone else too many times for me to take the chance on you again. There is TOO much to lose. I will protect this family till I die and if that means writing you off, I'll do it with a fucking smile on my face. Trust me on this Tricia. Stay away!

~Your little sister that once thought you did no wrong, but now knows the truth.

So Pissed!

I don't even have the words for how pissed off I am. All I know is that I am shaking with rage and I would love to direct this anger at the person that deserves it, but I don't think it will do any good at all.

Before my mother met and married my father, she was married to a complete asshole. An asshole that beat her, wouldn't allow her to nurse her babies, one that cheated on her, plus many other horrible things. In that marriage they had 3 children together and one he brought from a previous relationship. Every single one of those children are fucked up. They've all been in jail, were or are doing drugs, stole and manipulated both my parents. They blamed my mother for leaving their father. They blamed my dad for everything and anything they could think of. There is a 7 year gap between the youngest child of that marriage and myself. That's a very large gap, but there was a time when we were close. Not anymore. In fact, I am not close with ANY of them at all. If I never speak to any of them, it will be too soon.

I could go on and on about all the horrible things my older sister did to my parents but I don't have that kind of time and frankly there is just TOO much to say. I will say that when my mom was in the hospital, DYING of cancer, my older sister took their car to do something and sold their handicapped sticker. She stole jewelry, money, their checkbook, my money, she lied about being raped, just to name a few. I'm sure you get the picture. She is NOT a nice person. It may be the drugs that are helping her do this shit, but that's only an excuse. She's been a user (of people) since I can remember.

Since we moved and my dad came into his money, shes popped back up on our radar, weird right? She's asked him for money because she needs food and OF course she isn't doing drugs anymore, so the money isn't for drugs. What the fuck ever! Nobody believes your bull shit. The worst part? Is she is making MY dad feel bad.

He went to California with my Lil Sis and they were going to meet here, my dad even paid for a bus ticket for her, but she made excuses to not show up. One of her excuses was that it was raining and she couldn't get to the bus station. Oh? Really? The rain prevents you from getting to the bus station? I get that you live in California and probably aren't use to the rain like we are here in Oregon, but I promise you, it wasn't enough to keep you from your father and little sister. But whatever, clearly it wasn't important enough.

The latest news is that she texted my dad tonight and said "daddy I'm desperate, I need to get out of here". She wants to come here! Uhhh no. Apparently she has some court date but is willing to miss that "just to come home". Well her "home" isn't here anymore. Not because she left us and didn't contact us for years after my mom died, but because she is a person I don't want in my life, sister or not. This isn't only just about me, its about my kids, Dirty, AND my dad. I am SO sick of her using my dad for her benefit. She treated him like shit when he never did anything wrong. He never treated her differently. He didn't treat her like she wasn't his blood, he accepted her. Even when she stole from his dying wife. He still treated her like he would me or my Lil Sis.

I'm SO tempted to call her and tell her to get the hell out of our lives. She has never done any of us any good by being in it. I know that's harsh, but it's true. I've been hurt by her before, but that pain has been replaced with anger. And I will protect my dad and my family in any way I feel the need too. And if that means giving her a call, I'll do just that.

Let The Healing FINALLY Begin

Its been almost 5 years since my life changed forever. Its been almost 2 years since I finally stopped running away from the pain. Its been a long time since I've felt anything but pain. It feels like I am on the road to healing, or maybe closer to actually BEING healed.

After spending some time with my thoughts and feelings about my mom being here, in my house, I am OK. It's good that she's here, I accept it. I accept her death, now. My heart knows that she won't come back and I won't be able to physically see her again. This doesn't mean that I won't have moments of sadness, but after this weekend, I feel OK. I think my soul has healed a little. Nothing can ever heal the part of my soul that was damaged the day she died, but I know I can soften the sting a bit.

Saturday I went to the coast with Peaches and her roommate. We had a great time shopping, laughing, and getting poured on. We got a little bummed when neither of us could find a purse at Coach and decided on a whim to get tattoos! At first I didn't want a tattoo, I wanted to get my nose pierced. The more I thought about it, the more I did want a tattoo. I wanted to get a tattoo for my mom. Not a memorial tattoo per se, but something that means something to me. Nothing huge but something simple. I had thought about getting a lung cancer ribbon, but then Peaches asked me "wouldn't you rather get something that reminds you of your mom rather then of her death?" She made a really good point. I need to remember her and not her death. Her death does not define her life, no matter what caused her death. She and her life are more then lung cancer and the strokes.

So....I got a tattoo on the inside of my left wrist. It's on the small side and I absolutely LOVE it! It's perfect. I got an outline of a forget-me-not, one of her favorite flowers and one that's always reminded me of her. I might get it colored in later, but as of right now, I am 100% happy with it. I feel very at peace with my decision, I feel settled. It was the right thing to do.

Last week was a very emotional week but I think I made HUGE progress. I'm very proud of myself for facing these blocks and going past them instead of allowing them to hold me back. I did do some crying Saturday night, but it felt good to let those tears out. I never feel good crying, but I did after I got home. Best part? My dad approved! I thought for sure he was going to hate it, but he really likes it!

I did good!

Today Was THE Day

Since my dad moved in, I've been wondering when my mom's ashes were coming. I had mentioned it to him before and he never really gave me a definite answer, nor did I press him for one. Apparently the day was Tuesday when he came back from Lil Sis' house. Although......I wasn't aware of this until this morning when I was downstairs talking to him. I was sitting on the floor petting the dog and ca, talking to dad, I look over at the coffee table and there it is. My mom's urn. The one Dirty and I bought and I held in my lap from the crematorium to the church the day of her funeral. I couldn't breathe, let alone finish my sentence. I stammered a few "ummms" and "uuuhhhhs" and finally finished whatever I was saying, which now I can't really remember. I didn't get up and run upstairs, but I excused myself before I started to cry. I still can't cry in front of my dad, the look on his face will break my heart, I just know it.

I was texting Danielle and told her what I just saw. Let me just tell you how amazing she is! She said all the right things and handled my grief and shock great! Seriously, I can't thank her enough. I know it's really difficult to handle another person's grief. You never know what to say and always question if what you said was right or not, but Danielle? She has always been great, especially today. She told me to breath and encouraged me to talk to Dirty. And I did just that.

My voice was shaky as were my hands and I really was having a hard time catching my breath but I told him what was going on. Having my mom here now, as physically as she can be, is rough. I can't really pretend that all of this didn't happen when there is hard core evidence that she is dead. All I have to do is go downstairs and see her urn. She's here.

I'm a little shell shocked but I know that I am OK. This is the last step for me. The last step in true acceptance of my mom's death. Right now, in this moment? I am sad. I miss my mom so much right now that it hurts. But I can also look at it that we are all together again, as a family; just like Dirty said. I haven't lived with my parents in years, and I never thought I would again. If I had thought about it, I sure wouldn't have thought this is how it was going to be, but it is what it is.

So far I've told four people (thank you Heather for your love) and while it isn't any easier each time, I feel my heart open a little each time. Every word I've typed I get a little more light into my soul. I've lived in the darkest place for so long that the light can be blinding and scary for me. It's a slow process but I know that moving to the warmth of the many that love me is what I need to do. I NEED that warmth, I NEED those kind words, warm hugs and the encouragement that this is right. The hiding and being scared isn't. Yes, the books tell you that talking to your family and friends is a very good thing. Hell even my therapist said that too, but I just couldn't let go and give my fragile soul to others. I felt the NEED to protect myself from more pain, despite KNOWING the people that I am talking about (YOU) will not hurt me.

I'm falling into the arms of love and basking in the warmth. There will be times when I will run back to my dark place, but I know, now, that I am much happier in the light of my family and friends. I'm taking deep breaths and embracing the helping hand.

Frustrated by the Lack of Information

When Dirty lost his job, almost 2 years ago, I immediately applied for health care for Nae and Zilla. That was the one AND only thing I cared about. There was NO way I was NOT going to have health care for them. Since Dirty was getting fairly good unemployment benefits, I assumed we would be paying something. Turns out, we didn't have to. Oregon has a program that every child gets health care benefits no matter what. BONUS! I wasn't concerned about health care for us, just the children. When I broke my hand, health insurance would have been nice, but because I am a college student, I qualified for grants to pay for surgery, doctor's appointments and physical therapy. That was HUGE, because my surgery ALONE was almost $10,000...EEK! Anyway, because Dirty was unemployed and I wasn't working or going to school at the time, we were able to get some food stamp benefits. That helped out a lot, even though it kind of sucked, the reality of it.

I started school last year and was told that loans aren't considered income so I didn't have to report that to them. When I went in for my yearly intake appointment last week, I told them anyway. I should've told them before, but it would have effected our benefits in OUR favor, so I didn't get in trouble for it. When I DID tell them I was going to school full time, I was told that I won't be included in the benefits unless I had a part time job or was in the federal work study program. Didn't make ANY sense to me, but OK? My case worker told me to bring in information on the work study program and he could include me in the benefits and we would be able to get insurance and maybe more food stamps. I wasn't in a hurry to give him the paperwork because the jobs don't get handed out until October 15, so I had no idea if I had a  job through the school or not. I thought I was doing the right thing. Plus? We don't actually need more benefits, we're doing well with what we have. I didn't want to take anything that could be used for someone else. I'm aware the state doesn't work like this, but it didn't feel right to ME, and Dirty agreed. I was wrong :-| I got a phone call Friday from my case worker telling me I needed to give him that information and until I did so, our application was suspended. What...WHAT?!

He made it sound like it wasn't a "required" document, but then his phone call stated differently. I got the information and turned it in as soon as I got out of class on Friday. After talking to some people about all of this, I find out that I might qualify for cash benefits because I am a full time student and Dirty isn't working. I found this out through OTHER people, not from someone who works for the state. Shouldn't this have been information offered to me before? When I asked about it, I was told that this particular benefit is only for women who are in a life threatening situation or a family that has had their house burned down, etc. That is NOT the correct information! I am a full time student and ANY full time college student qualifies for this benefit. Apparently it's been around for awhile, because a few people have told me about it after I started asking around.

So, this morning, I filled out MORE paperwork for this cash assistance. As I was in the office talking to yet ANOTHER case worker, I see a lot of information on free health care and dental clinics for adults. There are at least 5 clinics in the area that either have hours where they take patients who don't have insurance or a clinic specifically for people who don't have health insurance. I also saw information on low cost medication for people without health insurance. I KNEW NONE OF THIS! It would have been great information to have when I broke my hand or even before. Just in case Dirty or I got sick and needed to go to the doctor. Right now if one of us gets sick, we have 3 choices; we go to the ER and have to pay a $200 detectable PLUS whatever the ER visit costs  OR we suck it up and hope it isn't anything serious that needs antibiotics, or we can treat with home remedies. Why wasn't I given this information when I signed up the children for state insurance? They asked me if I had insurance, I told them no and they put our names in a lottery for insurance, but we didn't get picked. Maybe they could have given me a packet in information with all these names and numbers so we could go to the doctor if needed instead of going to the ER and paying an extraordinary amount or even not paying it at all (because the ER is EXPENSIVE)?

This all just seems SO back-ass-wards! Not to mention the fact that there are SO many more options for people on food stamps then just going to the grocery store and buying food there. Farmer's markets take food stamps! And so do some crop share programs, as does Costco. Once again, I didn't find out any of this information from the state, I got it from one of my professors last term.

In this state, if you're on WIC, (I have no idea about other states, since I live in Oregon) you have to go to some classes to make sure you're feeding your baby the right foods, help with breast feeding, and general care of your new infant. Granted, taking care of a baby is important and a lot of women need that, but shouldn't that be the same for the food stamp program? Shouldn't there be a class you have to go to and LEARN who takes food stamps and what foods are healthy and aren't? It seems like a no brainer, but there are people out there who don't KNOW! These classes could teach people how to eat and buy healthier foods, maybe even a cooking class? I'm sure I'm probably being a Polly Anna about this, but if there's funding for certain programs, there should be "how to" classes to go along with them?

It feels like if I wasn't going to school and neither Dirty or myself were working, we would be getting a lot more help, through the state, but because that's not the case, I'm having to DRAG information out of other people. So, because I am trying to do the right thing, I am having to jump through hoops while the woman down the street with a truck load of children and no job, gets everything handed to her. I can totally see why people use the system, it's so much fucking easier!

I'm frustrated and fed up. I'm not doing ANY of this for myself, I am doing it for my family. So my kids can go to the doctor when they need too. So when they ask me "can you get some yogurt at the store?" I can say "yes, no problem". And when they want to do a sport, I don't have to figure out where that $60 is going to come from. I wouldn't expect anyone to make this easy on me, I don't want it to be easy, but maybe a little forthcoming with information would be nice.

Is this an Oregon thing, or do other states have screwed up "help", too? Am I asking for too much? Should I just shut my mouth and be thankful for what I even have? Which I am, but frustrated as well.

Identity

I am not sure who or what identify with anymore. I have always identified myself as a woman, obviously, because I am one. I try not to identify myself solely on being a mother, wife, sister, daughter or friend. All of those are amazing things to be, no doubt, but I don't want to be known as "Beautiful Mess, Dirty's wife" or "Beautiful Mess, Nae and Zilla's mom". It's not that I am ashamed of being a friend, mother, wife, sister, or daughter, I just feel I am MORE then that. I am also a nursing student, but more importantly I am ME. The only problem is, who is "me"?

Today in psychology class we were talking about wearing masks throughout your life. Sometimes those masks are needed, such as when you're at work vs when you're with your friends. Most of the time, you can't act the same in both places. So when you're at work or with your friends you wear the appropriate mask. Those are, apparently, "healthy masks". I raised my hand and asked "what are unhealthy masks?" I knew the answer already, if I had just sat and thought about it I would've figured it out, but I was too quick to get an answer. Or maybe it was just something that I needed to hear, rather then think. He said "an unhealthy masks is one you wear after a trauma, emotional or physical. Sometimes it becomes second nature and you don't even think about it anymore, it becomes a part of you. Eventually though, your two worlds collide and your unhealthy mask will fall and your healthy mask will prevail." I just laughed to myself because could he be reading my mind or know my situation any more? I mean, really? Trauma? Unhealthy masks? Apparently I am, in fact, a cliche.

So, I'm still wearing my unhealthy mask and right now? That's comfortable for me. I know I can't wear this mask forever and I can already feel my two worlds getting closer and closer. I'm sure they'll collide soon, I don't think it'll happen in days, but within a matter of months, MY mask will overcome the mask I've been wearing since my mom died.

I'm not sure who I'll be after my unhealthy masks falls, but I know I won't be the same "happy go lucky" woman I was. On the other hand, I won't be the "everyone is going to go off and die on me" woman I am now. A combination of the two, maybe? Can the two me's reside in one person? I'm sure they can, but I am a little bit afraid to find out who the new person I will end up being. I'm sure I will still have the same qualities I possessed before, as well as the cautious nature I have now. It will be awfully interesting to see how the people who didn't know me before my mom died react, but I can't do anything about their reactions. I'm sure my family will be happy to see more of the "before me" come back. And the people who don't know me yet will not know the difference. That's the part that blows my mind. Right now my life is split into two categories "the people that knew me before and the ones that know me now". There's never EVEN been a thought of the third part, so I guess that's progress? Once again, only time will tell how all of this will pan out. I'm not ready for the change, but I am ready to start THINKING bout the change.

Maybe the collision of my two worlds won't be as dramatic as I think it's going to be. Maybe, just MAYBE it's a gradual collision and it won't leave me with more trauma. Because frankly? I don't think I can handle anymore trauma.

New Day, Different Emotions

The comments from my last post? AMAZING! Thank you ALL so much. I truly value each and every one. As always, every word made me feel tons better.

Dirty was gone for most of the day helping his dad cut down a tree, we opted not to go because the children would have been bored. Dealing with bored children at my in-laws house didn't sound very appealing in the least. Instead, I took a nap (YAY) and the three of us cleaned the house. I also got to watch Mamma Mia and cried through most of it. I don't know why but that movie makes me cry happy and sad tears. Anyway, since Dirty was gone all day, I was able to reflect on my mood and our fight from last week. I thought about my post and the beautiful words that were left in the comments. I realized that it is OK to feel overwhelmed by everything, including a move that is suppose to be positive. Also? Dirty was gone from 7AM-3PM and the "OMG I haven't heard from him all day, he's dead" thoughts didn't start until 1:00. PROGRESS!

I did talk to Dirty tonight, after he started the conversation with me. I'm STILL not quite to the point where I can start off a deep conversation about what's going on inside my head. I'm getting there, though. I told him how I'm scared of being depressed and getting to where I was before. The more I thought about it and talked to him, the more I think it's the FEAR of being depressed then actually BEING depressed. I may have been going into that dark place or it may have been just another wave of grief. Or  maybe the two are the same? I'm not sure and I don't think it matters. What does matter is that I (along with a lot of support and help) got out of it the first time and I can do it again.

I use to never have a problem with change, but apparently that has changed. A lot has changed since the day my mom died. Every new event that happens in our life is always peppered with thoughts of "mom should be here". From small things to big things, mom should be part of them. She should have been the one helping me put my kitchen together, I shouldn't have had to do it by myself. But the reality is that she isn't here experiencing them with us and there is nothing I can do to change that. My feelings are my feelings and there is nothing wrong with having them, no matter how long it's been since she died. I'll, most likely, never get over her death. Am I even suppose too? I doubt it very much.

This is my new reality and even though its been almost 5 years, it's still so new. I don't know how to live a life without my mom in it. I'm a slow learner, but at least I'm learning?

Internal Dialog

Ever since we moved, maybe before, I've had this internal dialog that goes a little something like this "I don't give a shit" or "Oh really YOU have a headache?! You poor thing, ya gonna make it?" Needless to say, it isn't a nice dialog, not even a little bit. I don't say these things out loud for a few reasons, 1) I'm pissy because I'm tired and 2) going off on whomever is pissing me off at the time isn't going to do anyone any good. I don't even think I'd feel good if I spoke these feelings out loud. I would most likely just feel bad and that's not helpful either.

Since we moved, I feel I've made a lot of sacrifices. Some that are evident and some that aren't. I don't want to be anyone to throw me a party because I gave up on something little, but maybe a little recognition would be nice? I feel like I'm under SO much stress and instead of wanting to deal with the situations that are causing me stress, all I want to do is go to bed. I don't give a shit if there isn't any gas in the car, figure it out. I want to scream and yell at everyone and tell them to go the fuck away and just stop talking to me! I am clearly unhappy and I have no idea why. I should be ecstatic! We have a house, our own house! A place where we can rip up the lawn if we feel like it, paint the walls whatever color we want. We don't need permission to do anything, that's pretty exciting, but there's also the debt that goes along with it. Besides vehicles, we've never had any sort of debt before. We never had a credit card, we never took out loans, so this debt that is looming over me, is driving me crazy. Not to mention school hasn't started and summer term sucked, so there's no money coming in for about 2 weeks. And the bills just keep piling up and up.

Yesterday Dirty and I were talking about my schedule and the classes I am taking are all evening class, not ideal, I agree, but we do what we gotta do. Instead of me taking his suggestions I got my feelings hurt. It totally felt like he was telling me "you fucked up! How are you suppose to take care of me, the children, your dad, and dinner if you're not here?" Instead of me asking him or talking it out, I just shut down. It isn't the first time and it won't be the last. This feels a lot like how I was when I was depressed. When I came to grips with my mom's death, I just shut down. All I did was lay on the couch staring into nothing. I barely made any conversation with anyone, even if I did all the things I was "suppose" to do during the day. I'd get the children off to school, but after that, my best friend was my couch. I felt numb and hopeless, I feel a lot like that right now. I don't know what to do about it. I have NOTHING to be depressed about. We just bought a house! So many people would KILL to be in my situation and I'm depressed about it? That's a little fucked up, don't you think? I honestly have no idea what to do.

Another thing that is frustrating to me is the state insurance the kids are on. I am SO thankful they have insurance, but the hoops I have to jump through really piss me off. I went to my yearly intake appointment and because Dirty isn't working and I'm a student, we get food stamps, which is very helpful and I totally appreciate it, but it is SO back-ass-wards! The kids and Dirty are counted on the report but I don't because I don't have a part time job, nor am I in the work study program through the school. Even though I am a full time student, I don't get any benefits because I am not working....while going to school FULL TIME! I don't get it. So if I weren't going to school, I would get MORE benefits? Dirty isn't working because someone needs to take care of the children and my dad, so i just need to do the same and we'll get more benefits?

When I was there I inquired about gas cards and cash benefits, I was told that I needed to be in the "JOBS" program or be in an immediate emergency situation. "So, looking at colleges to get my nursing degree doesn't count?" "No, you would have to be actively looking for a job". Wait, what?! How does THAT make any sense? Granted I'm not in DIRE need of either of those, though they would come in pretty fucking handy right about now, but shouldn't, as a student, one get SOMETHING? I'm not one for asking for a handout and if it weren't for Nae and Zilla needing to be insured I wouldn't have ever stepped foot into that office, but now that I have, I don't like the way things are ran at all. *sigh*

All of this combined with whatever is going on with me means I am not doing well. I am confused, bitchy, defensive, and honestly, probably having a glass of wine too early in the day. Not like with my morning coffee, but at 5:00. That's early for me. I'm not getting drunk or anything, but by 5, I am SO ready for a glass of wine and the relaxing feeling it gives me. And I don't do a damn thing all day to be stressed out over! If I'm feeling like this now, what happens when school starts in 2 weeks? Good grief, I am a mess...again!

These Things Happen

The first 7 or so years of my marriage, I was blissfully unaware that marriage was work, constant work. Not bad work necessarily, but work nonetheless. After our first big fight around the 7 year mark, we realized we need to communicate better and raising children, trying to get pregnant and careers, are important but not as important as spending quality time with each other. Even if it's just a walk down to the corner market by ourselves. Time together is a must!

Ever since then, we've had a few ups and downs, but on the whole they were always resolved with an "I'm sorry" or something to that effect. This weekend was different. This weekend, Dirty packed some clothes, took the keys to the old car and left (he's back now). I was torn between helping him pack and wanting him to stay. By the time he actually packed his bag yesterday, we had been fighting since Friday. We hadn't been fighting as much as we weren't talking to each other. Except for yesterday, there were A LOT of word exchanged yesterday and some of them not so kind.

He was angry with me because I've been "bitchy" since we moved. And while I'd love to deny it and say he's wrong, he isn't. Since we moved, I have been very pissy. I'm not sure why, but I think it's because I don't feel settled here, yet. I don't know if it's because NONE of our appliances are hooked up and we STILL don't have the fridge or dishwasher, or because I haven't slept well since we moved. I get woken up at least once a night by the puppy or Zilla wants to wake up EARLY or something is going on. I just haven't slept and no sleep makes me a VERY bitchy lady! I already did the newborn-wake-up-every-2-hours thing, I was NOT aware I was going to have to do it again with a puppy! It's bull shit and the fact that NOBODY told me? Not cool at all, people!

Anyway, we also realized yesterday that there are some issues on my end that I need to work on (there are some issues on his end too, but this is MY blog and MY space and if I have things to fix, this is where I get to fix them). He said when he asks me "what's wrong" and I don't tell him and he KNOWS something is up, it hurts him. He asks because he wants to help, this all sounds WAY too familiar. We went through the same crap after my mom died. I finally broke down into a puddle of tears and told him, "I can't tell you anything! I can't tell anyone anything! I don't confide in anyone!" And there it is, y'all! The root of all our problems for the past 4 years, I can't let anyone in because I don't want to feel the way I did when my mom died. I can't go through that again. Also, the whole Peaches being a spoiled brat and our friendship not being what it use to be didn't help much either. Once again it happened with my old roommate, I treated her fairly and she didn't do the same. In reality she did the exact opposite of treating me fairly. So, that's three people that I've let in and now they are gone. That makes me not want to let anyone in and not be vulnerable, to anyone.

Dirty said it hurts his feelings and makes him feels as if I don't trust him when I say "I'm fine" and I'm not. I get that. I would probably feel the same way, so I promised to TRY to open up. This isn't going to be easy for many reasons, some of which I already stated but also because I hate whiny people! I seriously can NOT stand people who do nothing but complain. It really makes me stabby and twitchy. I'm sure I can open up and not be whiny, least I hope so!

Here goes EVERYTHING.....wish me luck!

Taking The High Road

I always try to take the high road, I may not ALWAYS succeed, but the majority of the time I do. People look at me as weak when I take the high road. I've gotten asked "doesn't that piss you off?!" Well of course it does, but going off on someone rarely fixes the problem, usually makes it worse. I'd much rather be patient and allow things to fall into place then get all worked up about it and potentially say or do something stupid.

When Peaches and I got into our stupidest fight ever, I took the high road. It wasn't easy because it would have felt SO good to just yell at her and tell her how immature she's acting and to grow up, but it would've done me no good. I probably would've gotten a headache from yelling at her and lost my voice. I know my words would have not been thought over, so why bother? I'll just be nice and wait for the universe to show her what real life is. When Dirty and I get into arguments, I always take the high road. I'll walk away and not push his buttons to get him to speak, it never works anyway. Things weren't always like that, there was a time I didn't realize he needed some time to chill out and not talking to me for a while is his way of cooling down. I get it now, despite me thinking it's immature, it's his way. Not my place to say it's right or wrong.

After moving, things hit the fan with our old roommate and once again, I took the high road. I am saddened by the way things turned out, but I know I didn't do anything wrong. I did my best to make our living situation benefit her, but it takes more then one to make a compromise work. I know she isn't taking the high road because she has said things to my family about my and Dirty. Personally, I think this is a low blow, but there's no stopping her. She doesn't see it as being wrong, she sees it as talking to her friends about how horrible her roommates were to her. I told my sister and dad that I don't like what she's doing, but not because she's taking behind my back but because she is putting them in a position to defend me. That is what I have a problem with. If my family wants to be friends with her, I don't really care. However, she should have some manners and not put my lil sis and dad in that position, that's not very cool.

End of Summer Term

You all have been with me through this whole year of school and have been the best supporters EVER! I wish I could do something super all kinds of exciting for each and every one of you, but sadly, I'm not rich (yet). But what I can offer you is the truth. I've never once lied to anybody on my blog. I've told y'all about the deepest darkest hole I was in when I was depressed about my mom's death. I mentioned Dirty's anxiety and never once did I get a comment telling me to grow up or get over something, you all have been SO amazing. And for that, I will confess to you that summer term SUCKED! Seriously sucked! I really enjoyed my psychology and health class, but typing and sociology, not so much. I WANTED to love sociology as much as I loved the other 2, but I couldn't. I could not grasp the theories or the theorists. I studied for every test and never once did I get anything above a C. I was so frustrated because I wanted SO badly to do well in this class and have everything stick, but it never happened. I ended up with a C in the class. The first time I've gotten a C in anything, in my college career, and I'm OK with it. I don't know if I'll take it again or not, but a C is what I got. It is what it is. I honestly did my best, that's pretty much all I can do.

Now typing is a completely different thing. I didn't struggle in this class because I can't type, obviously I can. I can actually type pretty fast. Getting the "home keys" down was a pain in the ass, but eventually I got em and ROCKED that class. Or so I thought....reading the syllabus is rule number ONE to succeed in college and guess who didn't do that? Yeah, that would be me. I was so focused on getting through the chapters and getting it over and done with that I didn't realize that all the work had to be turned in BEFORE finals week. So when I went to turn in my work the Monday of finals week and was told "I don't accept work the last week of term", I knew right then and there I failed the class. I screwed up, it's nobody's fault but my own, I own that. I got my first F and it feels just as shitty as I thought it would. I'm upset with myself, but also I know that beating myself up over it isn't going to change my grade. The best I can do is take it again in the fall or winter and get an A in it and hope that the ONE F on my transcripts won't screw up my chances of getting into the universities I want to get into to. Any thoughts?

The good thing about this is that if I'm going to fail a class, failing a one credit class is the way to go. It didn't even effect my GPA much, my GPA went from a 3.76 to a 3.70...so if I'm going to put a positive spin on this whole thing, that's going to be it.

So, yeah...that sucks, but life isn't over and I know it's my fault and I can do better and I will.

OUR HOUSE!

 The back deck and our housewarming gift from Dirty's parents.

 The front room and our new couches. Love them, SO comfy!

 The landing to the front door. Don't love the color of the stairs or the linoleum, but that'll change in time.

 Where the stove WILL be in a few days. Thank GAWD for the grill, otherwise we'd all be eating pizza. It is NOT easy not having a range to cook on.

 The ugly curtains that are coming down as soon as I have new ones. I can't even describe how much I don't like these. We have them in the front room too.

 My kitchen ;o) Love the counter tops, they're stone. So easy to clean and match the floors nicely.

 The pretty floors we have in the kitchen and the dinning room. We are ALL in agreement that we HATE the cabinets, but once again, all in time. We'll be here for awhile, so no hurry.

 Our bed, where the magic happens, yo! Notice the no headboard or foot-board? Classy!

 The master bathroom! Not so much in love with that cabinet, but we haven't figured out what to do with it yet.

 Our sink, don't love the dark counter-top, but there's a Lowe's right down the street ;o)

 Nae's room. It's normally the cleanest room in the house, but she has a friend over and they got all wild and crazy. She has all kinds of fun ideas for her room. Can't wait to see the finished product.

 Zilla's room, by far the messiest room in the house. I swear there is NO way we're going to be able to make him keep it clean. I'm scared of the teenage years..EEK!

 The front yard, this was a few days before we got the keys. They have since taken down the post. We're thinking of putting a tall lamp post there, but we have some yard work to do first. That's Dirty's job.

 The kids' bathroom. It's VERY small but has a nice deep tub that will have to be refinished or replaced in a few years, the color is awful. And the cabinets! What the hell is with the single handle in the middle?!

Part of the backyard. The backyard is HUGE, as is the back deck. We're thinking about getting a big pool and putting it in this area and a hot tub under the deck. Just throwing out ideas right now.

And that's OUR new house. We love it and are looking forward to putting some work into it to make it OURS.

Teaching Lessons

I did take pictures but I can't find the thingy that I put my SD card in to load the pictures from my phone. I think its in the junk drawer, but I'm afraid to look in there because Dirty has been putting EVERYTHING in that drawer. I'll look and take more pictures tonight. I must warn you though...there are boxes and bags still unpacked, not to mention UGLY curtains and paint on the walls. Just sayin...

Anyway, I had to share something with all of you and I just KNOW you will appreciate it! My favorite class this term was psychology, best class EVAH! We ended up having an amazing class discussion about various diseases that could be tested if one was to do IVF. Of course me being the crusader of making at least ONE class discussion on this topic, I was the one who started it and peppered my professor with all my questions. It was going great until this one *deep breath* woman (and I use this term LIGHTLY) said the most insensitive thing ever! It took everything I had not to turn around and smack the stupid right out of her head. But because I know it wouldn't have done me any good, I just took a lot of deep breaths. When I mentioned that I know a lot of people doing IVF for infertility and some doing it for reasons so as not to pass on a disease to their child, the woman says "sounds like natural selection to me". I know, right?! Rage was flowing through my veins, I tell you! Instead of lowering myself to her level, I just mentioned  "I had difficulties conceiving my son and he DOES deserve to be walking this planet just as much as anyone else". Of course you can't change stupid with one remark so I decided to do an extra credit project on infertility.

It was both amazing because I was teaching others who had no idea what infertility was and also I found a lot of information in my family"s history that I didn't know. When I came home from that class, I was so mad! I even texted Geek and Due and ranted and raved to them. Dirty got the brunt of it though, poor guy. He tried to defend her saying "she might have had a bad experience with infertility and is lashing out." And if that were the case, I would have forgiven her, but it wasn't, she was just being ignorant and stupid. Not to mention the fact that she offended me and many of the people that I love so dearly.

When I talked to my professor about my project she said it was a great idea and even though she didn't name any names, she said "it would be good for others in our class to see a side of infertility that not many see." She also counseled a couple of infertile couples during her career and has some friends who have gone through treatments. So the scene was set and I worked on my project for a few weeks and it turned out great. I presented it to the class and of course Stupid (I think that's a perfect name for her) asked what I was doing my project on and when I told her she said "I had issues with that too". OK, so my first impression was wrong, I guess...only it wasn't! She went up before me to present and said she had all FOUR of her kids easily and on "accident". WAIT, WHAT?! Clearly she doesn't know what "infertility" is, or even "sub fertile". I was totally giving her the benefit of the doubt until she said THAT! So when I went up, I made sure I explained what exactly infertility is so she doesn't make that mistake again. I also schooled my professor on a few terms ;o)

All in all it was a very interesting term in that class and I learned a lot. I'm *thinking* I might even minor in psychology, or at the VERY least take some psychology classes. If nothing else, they'll help me with my patients and hopefully be more sensitive to what others are going through. I know it's a HUGE load, but a girl can dream can't she?

Getting Settled

So, we got the house! We finally got the keys almost 2 weeks ago. It's been the craziest two weeks I've ever had in my life! There's been MANY hours of no sleep, a few fights, a few tantrums, and a few "WTF?! Are you serious" moments, but on the whole it's going...well-ish.

The only thing that's sucked, besides not getting any sleep, is moving all my dad's stuff and coming across my mom's stuff. Reality is a bitch, yo! We were unloading the uhaul and came across her leg braces and the bag we brought home from the hospital after she passed. That was not fun. I ran into the bathroom, hoping to make it into the shower before the meltdown started, but I only made it to the bathroom floor. So very glamorous crying on the bathroom floor into a towel that we use to soak up water after we get out of the shower. Dirty came in and let me have my little breakdown and it's been going on and off ever since. Not to mention finals have been this week and we got a puppy. Yeah, no sleep here for me.

My dad has AT LEAST 10 years worth of stuff. Before my mom died, she was the one who made him throw various papers and knick knacks away, he hasn't done ANY of that since before she got sick. Not only does he have years of stuff, he's also acquired MORE stuff. I swear he has 5 entertainment centers and 3 desks, not even kidding! Oh well, we're getting through it, day by day. My lil sis has been here helping, so that's been a plus. I don't think I could handle going through all that stuff, emotionally by myself. I would throw it all away because I wouldn't want to randomly come across it. Reality isn't my strong suit, it's a work in progress.

Having my mom's stuff here is weird, but I'm slowly getting use to it. I don't love it because it still hurts too much, but I'll get there. In the meant time I'm trying to pass my sociology class and try not to kill anyone.

Hope everyone is well. I have a six week vacation starting after my final today and I plan to catch up with everyone!
*HUGS*

An Open Letter to My Haters

Dear Haters,
I am perfectly aware you hate me, BELIEVE me I am. Just because I smile at you and engage you in conversation, does not mean you can go to my friends and talk shit about me because you think I don't know. I do this for a few reasons 1) it's going to piss you off THAT much more. 2) I really don't care that you hate me and 3) I have enough friends that don't talk shit about me, that I don't need you. You see, my parents raised me to be polite even when there's nothing more I'd like to do then rip your eyes out and tell you exactly how I feel. But I don't do this because it won't do me any good, I know there is NOTHING I can do to make you change your mind about me. You can continue to hate me for whatever reason you hate me, but the minute you start saying something about me being a bad mom, all bets are off. Y'all have said it in the past and I've ignored it because really? I'm the bad mom because I go out a few times a month and leave my children WITH THEIR FATHER?! The man who has fathered BOTH my children and I'm STILL married to? I know it's a new concept for you, being married to a man for 17 years and all, but it's true. And all your shit talking isn't going to change that. You're even welcome to call my husband and tell him I flirt with other men if you'd like. Sadly for you, he won't be pissed off because he already knows.I'm just letting you all know so there is no misunderstanding when I go off on you the next time you decide to question my mothering abilities.

Oh and that rumor you all keep talking about? I will neither deny it nor will I confirm it. Why? Because it cracks me up that you think I slept with him. You can whisper behind my back ALL you want and glare at me when I walk into a room, it isn't going to stop me from having a good time. You are even welcome to talk tell everyone I talk to that I'm a thief and all I do is try to scam men for free drinks. They already know! Men know what goes on at bars, they aren't stupid and they don't need you protecting them. Also? I'm a fun person and whomever I talk to will realize you're an ugly jealous person fairly quickly.

Thank you for making my life interesting though. It's never a dull moment when y'all are around.
Sincerely,
Beautiful Mess

Decisions

It is really difficult to find time to blog AND do homework, feels like it's either one or the other. I'm a little ahead in homework, which is why I can blog. I read most of my blogs last night so now I can blog. YAY!!!

I ended up with 2 B's last term! Not OK! I knew I was going to get a B in writing, but I was NOT expecting a B in health. When I went back for summer term, I asked her about my grade and it turns out that she didn't count an essay I wrote. All I had to do was turn that in and she bumped my grade up to an A WOOOHOOO!! That made my GPA go up to 3.92, MUCH happier about that. Although, I do have to give myself props for NOT freaking out about my 2 B's. I was upset, obviously but I didn't end up in the corner in the fetal rocking back and forth crying. I say that's success!

This term is going GREAT! I love all my classes. I haven't even whined once when the weather is nice and I had to go to class. That's a lot of love for my classes!

I think I'm going to make some changes as far as school goes. My plan was to bust through fall term so I could apply to the nursing program in February, but I think I might wait. The nursing program I was going to apply too is really hard to get in and it's only offered every other year, but it's only a 2 year program. I think a 4 year program at a university will benefit me more. It'll be more work and difficult, but I think it will pay off in the end. There are about 3 colleges I want to go too, but I haven't made a concrete decision yet. I'm thinking Oregon State University because I know there are some fertility clinics in the area and I might be able to get to know the people that work there and at least get a toe in the door. But then again Portland State University has an AMAZING nursing program, so I just have no idea. I need to do some more research. BAH! Any advice?

So, we've been tryin to buy this damn house down the street for 7 months now and we're closer then we've ever been, so exciting! All of our bids are in, signed in blood, itemized just how Fannie Mae likes it. Our Realtor is a dumbass, our 2nd extension was approved but the 3rd wasn't because we asked for an extension until the 10th, apparently that's a weekend and the government doesn't work on the weekends. So we had to put in ANOTHER one, which was approved (thank Goddess) but shouldn't our Realtor know that? Then my dad had to call her yesterday because if the extension wasn't approved by 5pm, we would have been shit out of luck. She never called us, we had to call her. I can NOT wait until I don't have to talk to this woman again, she is seriously dumb as a box of rocks and has NO idea what she is doing. I dislike her.....a lot!

That's pretty much it on my end. Hope ya'll are doing well. Miss you all SO much!

Real Quick....

...because I'm suppose to be studying. Today is my final FINAL!!! Awwww yeah! I have a whole! week! off! before I start summer school. I'm hoping the classes I chose are pretty low key so I will be able to have some sort of summer, if not....oh well. I've had a lot of summers off, it's time to not have a summer off.

As of yesterday, I have an A in two classes. I took my medical terminology final on Tuesday, got an A on it and an A in the class...w00tz! Thursday was my math final and I was crawling out of my skin all day long! I was going over my notes, reworking equations, and freaking out. As I was taking the test my mind went blank, I didn't panic, took some deep breaths and did what I knew and the others came to me. Not as much as I would have liked, but a B+ on a math final is just fine with me. Honestly I could have gotten a D on that test and still ended up with an A, thankfully that didn't happen and I secured a 94%...not to bad, I say!

I'm going to switch topics here real quick because I'd like to know what ya'll think. There is a little boy Kyron Horman, 7 years old who went missing almost a week ago and there is a state wide search for this little guy. He's 7 years old and his school didn't notify his parents he wasn't in class, so nobody knew he was missing until almost 4PM. Obviously there are rumors flying around about his disappearance, but that isn't what I want to discuss. I've heard a lot of talk about blaming his school, his mother, his step mother, and many many others. I can't blame anyone, I don't know what happened to this little boy. What I do know, is that this whole situation is making me sick to my stomach. I can't even tell you how many times I've cried watching the news or reading FB updates. I don't want to turn this into "what if that were my kid", but I also can't help it.

Kyron is about the same age as Zilla and this could EASILY, too easily, be my kid. Not only because of Kyron's and Zilla's age, but because he went missing at school. That almost happened to us not very long ago when we found Zilla in the parking lot at his school. When I raised a stink about it, I wasn't taken seriously. I ended up dropping it because nobody was helping me and Dirty and I just made sure to tell Zilla to stay by the front of the school and be there to pick him up before it got to crowded at the school. We've had many conversations with Zilla about who he's to go home with and who he isn't, especially since he's been asking about Kyron.

The one thing I do know is that the school screwed up, not only with Zilla but also with Kyron. It IS the school's job to make sure the children that attend there are safe. I get it, they have a lot of children, believe me I get that. That doesn't take away the fact that the schools are responsible for the children while they are in attendance there. They are responsible for their safety during school hours and to make sure they have a safe way to get home. If a child walks home, the teachers should be aware of that, if a child is being picked up by a parent or someone else in a vehicle, the teachers should know this as well. The children should have a designated area to wait and if they are 6 years old, they should NOT be walking around the DAMN parking lot. Obviously this is my view on it, but no only because I found my kid almost in the parking lot, but because of Kyron. Do you KNOW how easily it would have been for someone to take my son? Nobody would have know until I couldn't find him. That thought right there makes me want to throw up. Ya'll would be seeing me and Dirty on every damn news channel begging for my child to come home. I don't want that to be me or my life, obviously. But the similarities are just TOO close for me to just ignore them. Here's where I need your help, I need you to tell me if this thought is a rational one or if I'm overacting. I want to write the principal at Zilla's school an email. I want to tell him the reason why I freaked out on them December was because bad stuff can and DOES happen to children. I want to tell him that the way his school does pick up is ridiculous, its unorganized and nobody knows where they belong. I'm almost tempted to have someone who isn't on Zilla's pick up list to get him from school, but I'm pretty sure that would just back fire in my face. I already shot myself in the foot one time, don't really need to do it again. All I want is for the principal that his school is immune from this shit because it isn't. Just because we live in a small city doesn't mean we don't have perverts living here, because sadly we do. All I know if something happens to one of my kids and the school could have done something to prevent it, ya'll are gonna see my on the national news...

So do you think I should write the email or am I over thinking this whole thing? Be honest, brutally even. OK, I'm off to study for my final. I will be back later and read through and comment on blogs! OMG I am SO behind. Miss ya'll!
*HUGS*

Let's Have a Little Chat, Shall We?

WHEW has it been awhile since I've been here! And it looks SO different! Thank you Heather for revamping my blog. I love it! It's been a very busy, crazy, and wild few weeks. School is going well....could be going better but I'm not failing anything, so there's that. I'm getting 3 A's and a B; oddly enough the B is in my writing class. I am having THE worst time in this class. I am NOT a very good persuasive writer, but I've got one more essay to write and I'm feeling pretty good about it. OK enough about that, lets get to the good stuff...

Awhile back I had asked ya'll about sexual fantasies and husbands. Dirty has been picking my brain and wants to know what I'm thinking. Which normally isn't a bad thing, but some things are just for me. Ya'll agreed and so I decided not to tell him EVERYTHING, but just a few things. Since I turned 30 my libido has been THROUGH the roof! (think of a cat in heat) We've been both having all kinds of fun with this the past 4 years or so, but lately? Oh goodness! I don't know if it's that I'm out doing things like school and reliving the college years I never had and taking time for myself or what but things in the bedroom area haven't calmed down and from the way he accosts me when I pass him, it doesn't look like they will any time soon. Which, obviously, I am OK with. Since I love to analyze things, I decided to analyze why we've been acting like he just got home from boot camp. Here's what I came up with...

~My confidence is a lot higher than it was before. I'm not at home all the time doing laundry, cooking meals, worrying about who has to be where and what time. I'm actually out doing things for myself. It may be just going to the school for my math class, but for those 2 hours, all I'm thinking about are equations and the idiot in the back who keeps interrupting the professor. This time is my time. Me time does wonders for my libido, apparently.

~I'm not depressed anymore. Obviously this is a no brainier. Being depressed will do NOTHING for ones libido. Kind of hard to have sex when you're crying and sleeping all the time. Least it was for me. Coming to terms with my mom's death and what it meant for me was one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, thus far, but well worth it.

~Going out with my friends. It could be looked at that I do this too much, but I disagree. I did nothing with anyone for about 10 years after I had Nae and Zilla. I wasn't a hermit, I was just very focused on them and other stuff. The nights when I go out with my friends is just for fun and to let all the stress go from school and home. Even if going out on a Thursday with a friend and his brother (which isn't not a great idea because guys LOVE to play drinking games and I lose) and being hung over the next day is "frowned" upon by others, I don't care. This is my life and I'll get away when I can.

~Spoiling myself. I've been buying myself things that I don't "need" but did it anyway because, dammit I deserve it! Spoiling myself with a new pair of jeans or even a new bra makes me feel good, which makes Dirty feel good, if you know what I mean.

~Getting good grades. This is a confidence things because the 2 terms of getting a 4.0 is all ME, but it makes me feel proud of myself and I'm happy We all know a happy woman means a happy rest of the world.

~My hand isn't broken anymore and I don't foresee any surgeries in my future. Being without pain is always a plus.

I don't have time for everything I want to do, but I am getting better at organizing my schedule and that makes me less stressed out. I'm not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, but I do the best I can.
Spring term ends in 2 weeks and summer terms starts about 2 weeks after that. Hopefully financial (no) aid will hold up their end of the bargain and I'll be able to attend a few classes over the summer and then start again full time in the fall. If not, then I'll be busy painting and organizing the new house. If THAT doesn't happen, we'll figure something out. We should close June 15th, but nothing has gone according to plan, so I'm not putting any money on anything just yet. I'm hoping I'll be back to blogging and reading blogs with some regularity soon. In the mean time, my nose will be stuck in a book studying for my FINALS!

Hanging on by a Thread

I'm trying, I really am and I may even be succeeding...if only on the outside. On the inside, not so much. I'm a truly living up to my name "Beautiful Mess" these past few weeks. Mother's day *sigh* I am not a fan. My first mother's day without my mom was tough, but I dealt with it. And by "dealt with it" I mean Peaches and I made many batches of margarita and we drank them all. Not a very good way to deal with something, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. I didn't cry one time, thank you very much Patron, I was a happy drunk. The next year I didn't want to acknowledge the day at all. I wanted it to be any other day, but that wasn't an option. So I allowed Dirty and the children to do their thing while crying when the children weren't around. Last year was rough too, but a dear bloggy friend organized "OMG You Rock" and I was able to focus my energies on someone else and look forward to open my gift. It worked and the day wasn't so horrible. This year is the exact opposite. I hear or see a commercial for Mother's Day and I get angry. I've even gave the TV the middle finger, I'm oh SO mature.

I know it's selfish but I want to scream at the TV "not everyone wants to celebrate Mother's Day, assholes!" I can't escape the day, no matter how hard I try. And apparently I'm not pulling off the "I'm fine" front I'm trying to pass off. Dirty told me yesterday he wasn't sure what to do for Mother's Day. He knows I want to forget it and do nothing, but can't. I just want Sunday to pass as quickly as possible so I can get out of this damn funk I've been in for two weeks.

I'm not sure what's in store for Sunday. I do know that Zilla has something for me he made at school and I'm so very appreciative he was able to make something for me. He also has a flower to give me, if only it wasn't a mum, that might not make the tears flow so easily. I don't know what Dirty and Nae have planned and I'm really hoping it isn't something huge. I am just not ready to celebrate this day. All the other holidays, I can deal with. Christmas, Easter, Thanksgiving, and all the rest, I can get through without wanting to throw something at my TV or hide in bed for hours, but not this one. Yes, I am SO grateful for my family and the fact that they want to show appreciation for me on this day, despite it not sounding that way. I am perfectly aware there are women who would like nothing more than to have a mum given to them by their child. Right now, in this moment, I can't get over the fact that I can't celebrate with my mom.

I always spoiled my mom on Mother's day. I would get her flowers, a sweet card and something nice. Something that was just for her, something that she didn't have to share with anyone else, something to celebrate her womanhood and how amazing she is. I haven't been able to do that in four years and that hurts, a lot. Thinking about our past mother's days, just makes me sad. Thinking that if I bought her a card right now, she wouldn't be able to enjoy it and I wouldn't be able to see the tears of gratitude in her eyes, that just breaks my heart.

I know I'll get through this and the other side is a nice and calm place to be, but at this moment that place seems very far off. I'll get there, it'll take some tears and some hissy fits, but I'll get there.

Project What If

I debated on posting this all week. I am a HUGE supporter for all my beautiful, amazing Bloggy friends going through infertility, but I always feel like a fake when I say we struggled with infertility, too. Not that our struggles don't mean anything or "count", but what we went through was NOTHING compared to what some of you go through on a daily basis. My biggest fear when joining the ALI group on Mel's blog roll was offending someone who is struggling. That, THANKFULLY, has never happened. Not that I'm aware of at least. I know that the pain of infertility isn't a pissing contest, nor would anyone look at me and say "you don't belong", but still! The thought of offending someone or causing someone pain with my words, makes me want to cry and run away from my blog. I'm a compassionate woman, and I feel horrible for those still struggling. I know that NIAW is an important week to all of us and we (even me) should make infertility something everyone can talk about. I posted a status update on FB and got a lot of support and after reading MANY of the posts, I have decided to do my own.

WHAT IF....

What if I hadn't gotten pregnant with Nae? What would my life look like now?

What if I hadn't gotten an infection in my uterus, thus causing scarring?

What if the scarring hadn't caused my first miscarriage?

What if my mom never told me about hers? Would I know what was happening to my body?

What if I hadn't had my second miscarriage? Would that child been a girl or a boy?

What if I had both those children I miscarried? Would I have 4 alive children, or would we have stopped at two?

What if my BIL allowed us to adopt his son, before I got pregnant with Zilla? Would we have still tried to have another?

What if we had stopped at two? Would the second be just like Zilla?

What if I didn't know my body so well and didn't realize I was having another miscarriage in December 2008?

What would have happened if I was able to carry that child to term?

What if I hadn't made the decision to take charge of my body and have my tubes tied after Zilla?

What if I was able to carry a child to term without medication or fear? Would we have more?

I don't have the answer to ANY of these questions. I do my best not to dwell on the what if's of life, they tend to make me sad. Instead I try to find the joy and beauty in what I have NOW.

Right now I have a family. It isn't the one I saw myself having when I was a child, but its the one that's perfect for me now. 

I vow to make a difference in the way people look at infertility. I will do my best to make people knowledgeable about the subject. I will continue to work toward my goal of being a fertility RN. I will talk about infertility in my classes and educate as many people as I can.

You can read more What If's at Mel's place in her comment section. They are all so beautifully written with such emotion. You can also go to Resolve's website and see what YOU can do to help spread the word.

Sugar Doll

Well that was annoying..apparently Blogger won't let me add pictures to me blog directly from my computer anymore. Anyway....


Kristin gave me an award! WOOOHOOO thanks doll! This is perfect because I have eleventy billion things bouncing around in my head but none of them are related. Here is The Low Down of what I am suppose to do.... I have to say 10 things about myself and then I need to give this award to 10 fellow bloggers


1) I have a secret that I've only told a few people but I'm going to spill my guts here. It isn't THAT much of a secret, but it's huge to me. I want to be a nurse (that's not it) but I don't want to be just any nurse, I want to be a fertility nurse! I believe I have the ability to do it, I'm just unsure of the logistics of it. The closest clinic to me is about an hour away. The biggest hospital for training is almost 2 hours away. I might end up going to nursing school there, anyhow so it might be a doable goal. Only time will tell, but there it is. It's finally out in the open. I'm both terrified and excited!


2) When Dirty has his anxiety attacks, I have to confess I have thoughts in my head that aren't very nice or supportive. I never say them out loud and I know I am entitled to my thoughts, but I still feel bad for having them.


3) When someone else cleans my kitchen, it takes everything I have to thank them. They live here too, why do I need to thank them for cleaning up after themselves?


4) I am a HORRIBLE house keeper! I'm not even exaggerating when I say this, my house is usually a disaster of unfolded laundry and school books laying around. You don't even want to know the state of my kitchen floors and bathroom, it's embarrassing.


5) My children and 13 and 6 and I STILL check to see if they're breathing ever night.


6) I go out with my friends usually once a week and despite being told many times I should stay at home with my family because apparently I'm not allowed to have a life outside my home, I enjoy it and always have a good time.


7) When I do go out with my friends, I am usually with more men than women and sometimes I get a ride from a man(!) Walking into wherever we end up with another man this isn't my husband causes a lot of whispers and I get way TOO much enjoyment out of it.


8) I am LOVING my Human Sexuality class. I've read more chapters in that book than I need to, but it's SO interesting!


9) I've never mowed a lawn in my life! I always told Dirty that I'd mow the lawn if we got a house, looks like I might have to mow a lawn this summer. Which I won't mind because that means WE'LL HAVE A HOUSE!!!


10) I have decided that pay a little bit more for clothing is worth it. I've gotten 2 shirts and a dress at WalMart and all of the have a hole in the seem. ANNOYING!


Alright, now who to pass it on to....


JellieBraden. I met this BEAUTIFUL woman on twitter and her blog is AMAZING, as are her tweets! Go check her out.
WannaBeMom. Another BEAUTIFUL woman I met on twitter. She just started a blog, go check it out! She is a wonderful, supportive friend!
Sass. She is in the dreaded two week wait right now. She could use a lot of distraction, and as always some love.
Kristal. Her oldest just had her 15th birthday, go over and wish her a happy birthday!
Heather. She is having a hell of a week! She told me yesterday that she was so bored, she was thinking about eating her own face. I reminded her how much of a mess that would be, thankfully she changed her mind.
Raelene. Not only is she AWESOME and totally deserves this award, but she lives in an amazing town that rallied for their neighbors. the story is both heartbreaking and heart warming.
Jamie. She needs to be flooded with love right now. Plus she gave me her phone number! I can now stalk her..YAY!!!
Ellen. Obviously she's awesome, but her last post was a cliff hanger! Soooo not cool. hopefully this will get her blogging again ;o)
Gabby! She won't have time to write anything because she just had her babies! Go over and give her a hug!
Katiepie. She is awesome, amazing, AND beautiful. she's going through some MAJOR stuff right now and could use something to make her smile.


Thanks again, Kristin, I really appreciate it!


**not sure why my spell check decided to KEEP the words highlighted, but it did.**
*And now Heather fixed it*